Im eating a Nom yoghurt. What stereotypes do you conform to?

alt q: I've been asked to provide a reference for applebite so she can go mad with petri dishes and stuff. suggestions welcome. What would you write for other betans?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:18, 127 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

*Sympathy Reply*

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:24, Reply)

Thanks, I was getting a bit upset!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:26, Reply)

*there there*

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:28, Reply)

kitty is lazy and high maintenance
I wouldn't trust her to wipe her own arse.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:24, Reply)

"Vipros has watched a lot of QI, and his recall is excellent."

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:28, Reply)

*bows*

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:31, Reply)

I'm only lazy when it comes to doing things for other people
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:31, Reply)

I saw this show about the fattest teens in the world at some point this year.
They didn't wipe their own arses, they pooed themselves in the bed because it was too much effort to go to the toilet. Just picture it, there they are making their way through a bucket of chicken (as a light snack, while exersizing (playing Wii)), and they decide they need to do a poo, so they do, right there where they are. And on the rare times they do make the effort to use a toilet, they get someone else to wipe their bum ! Because their bum is so big, the poo goes on the bum, they essenchally have an extra tunnel where poo comes out off.

HOW GRIM IS THAT ?!?!?!?!
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:39, Reply)

I find it astounding that anyone can get to the stage
where it's too much effort to go to a toilet and you prefer to just shit your pants.

I actually get a bit sick of the columnists who say things like "Being overweight is as much an eating disorder as being anorexic" because that's just bollocks. Being anorexic takes serious dedication, even if it does mean you're a mental.

Being that grossly fat just means being fucking lazy and pathetic, it's not a disorder, it's never having been told to fuck off outside and do some exercise.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:44, Reply)

also, either they can muster the effort to get some food but not go to the toilet
or some other twat is feeding them a fucking load of food.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:48, Reply)

It's usually their mothers
and they say "But I just can't stand to see them go hungry, they get so upset" It's your fucking fault they are like this you disgusting cunt!

And yes, that last comment was aimed at Vipros. It is all his fault.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:50, Reply)

I heard it was Gary Numan's fault

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:51, Reply)

s'true
if he hadn't invented cars they would have to walk to the takeaway
(Bazongaloid, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:53, Reply)

Hahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:07, Reply)

By the time they're able to buy or cook their own food
then it's their own fault. Teenagers are more to blame than their idiotic parents, because they have the choice to say no. They don't because they're pathetic excuses for human beings.
( Kroney, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:12, Reply)

Hang on, you are providing a reference for another person?
So, they are going to be basing their assessment of applebite, on the words of someone who was fired for playing on the internet too much?
(Bazongaloid, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:27, Reply)

Hey, no one is asking for my credibility!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:29, Reply)

in what capacity are you being a referee though?
if it's "pole dancing teacher" then that is ok, I won't be impressed if you are faking it though.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:31, Reply)

I'm putting dance instructor, non specific! I'm going to try and keep the lies to a minimum
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:33, Reply)

that's ok then
although you should say you are her Dance Commander, and then sing the Electric Six song of the same name at them.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:34, Reply)

Why does she even need a reference from you though
surely she can get one from her personal tutor?
(Bazongaloid, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:35, Reply)

I assume she needs an outside reference as well.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:36, Reply)

Haha

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:30, Reply)

she has a passion for her field that is as infectious as the viruses she studies.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:30, Reply)

this is the sort of joke that goes down well in science depts.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:34, Reply)

that and she
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:07, Reply)

None I can think of
Alt Q: Monty is a charming fellow, very friendly, and extremely fastidious. Just don't ever ask how his ex is, you'll never hear the fucking end of it.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:31, Reply)

I'm pretty sure you conform to the fatty stereotype of telling everyone you're on a diet and then eating subway every day
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:32, Reply)

+ a munchy box for breakfast on Saturdays and Sundays.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:33, Reply)

Still not had mine for this month, might not bother with it.
Not til payday, anyway
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:33, Reply)

No-one believes this utter hogwash, you know.
It's up there with your 'Neil Buchanan' lie in the believability stakes.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:49, Reply)

Aside from breakfast this morning, I've only had one or two other subways this year (I think), and they were salads

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:33, Reply)

I am extremely handsome, charming and intelligent, and a natural leader.
I thus conform to the stereotype of the Nordic master race of which I am a proud member.

I feel that lying on references is morally unacceptable, so I'd write those non-committal ones you write for ex-employees who were fucking shit, because you know that if you told the actual truth you'd probably end up being sued.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:33, Reply)

"She's clever enough to know that a meal from Nandos doesn't mean you have to sleep with them, but would probably sleep with them anyway.... comes with two for one vouchers".

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:33, Reply)

Haha
"Regularly devotes her time to voluntary work. Frequently with a BOGOF offer".
( Kroney, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:39, Reply)

Applebite has a definite passion for her studies into viruses
As shown by the constant and selfless dedication of her free time to the local GUM clinic.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:33, Reply)

Roffles
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:38, Reply)

I am a dirty-minded girl with a passion for dreadful wordplay
Think I fit the "classicist" stereotype fairly well. Well, there are an awful lot of us that are like that.

Alt: Excellent breasts. Would recommend.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:34, Reply)

Is that for you?

(Bazongaloid, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:36, Reply)

What, the excellent breasts?
Nah, I wouldn't be that arrogant.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:37, Reply)

I would.

(Bazongaloid, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:44, Reply)

You can't.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:45, Reply)

Can I at least look at them occasionally?

(Bazongaloid, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:47, Reply)

There are a couple of pictures of me that I feel I can't put on facebook
they look nice, but I wish someone had told me how much my tits are out. It's almost rivaling the stingray pictures.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:51, Reply)

I know this is a stereotypical response
but please gaz them to me.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:52, Reply)

Hahahaha no .

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:56, Reply)

Booooooo

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:57, Reply)

I second this and add my own "But Why?"

(Bazongaloid, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:58, Reply)

Totally still waiting.

(Bazongaloid, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:01, Reply)

Because you just couldn't take it.
Buy my breasts several drinks then we'll talk.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:02, Reply)

I already have!

(Bazongaloid, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:07, Reply)

Oh yes. I need to get round to buying people the drinks I owe them.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:09, Reply)

Nah, you're alright, I don't need drinks, I have plenty.

(Bazongaloid, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:18, Reply)

What's the classicist stereotype?
filthy sense of humour and a gaping anus?
( Kroney, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:38, Reply)

Pretty much.
Either that or serious and geeky and not a lot of fun. We get a few odd ones.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:45, Reply)

I'm in IT
and I'm grumpy, scruffy and antisocial. Otherwise, dunno. I conform to quite a few male stereotypes, I guess.
( Kroney, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:36, Reply)

stereotypes: I'm a laid back, bearded, guitar-playing, stoner, surfer
will that do?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:42, Reply)

I don't think I'm stereotypicaly anything.

( girlinthehole, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:42, Reply)

Me neither
I look 'punk', but am not a fan of punk music. I more closely fit the geek stereotype though.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:43, Reply)

You look 'cunt' and completely are one, though.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:47, Reply)

You look past your prime

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:48, Reply)

He looks like a man with no ability to handle money.

(Bazongaloid, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:51, Reply)

I have been brought up with expensive tastes
but no ability to sustain them.

:(
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:58, Reply)

It's so cute when you two bicker

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:52, Reply)

Nom and Yop products are getting a lot of press around here lately
*awaits inevitable cock-yoghurt gag*

I dunno about stereotypes. The blindingly obvious one to which I don't conform aside, I'm not sure what else I should be doing according to my (other) main pasttimes of geekery, watching football, working out and obsessing over movies and Battlestar Galactica. Fire away, you shits.

Alt: Bobby has held his own reasonably well on B3ta for several months and is therefore more than qualified to manage a group of children
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:45, Reply)

Talking to your faeces in an 'RAF' manner
is a sure sign of mental decline. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. At least I know you're sitting down.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:46, Reply)

I like this on so many levels
bat mainly "base". Obviously.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:50, Reply)

mainly "base" for the other side, me.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:59, Reply)

That is an excellent use of a grammatical error
You're on form today, sir.

Oh, nearly forgot - 9/10. Best to date.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:01, Reply)

I'm glad you scored that one highly
it was a good effort and deserves reward
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:03, Reply)

I'm nothing if not fair
Your have had low marks so far because they've been shit.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:04, Reply)

I honestly don't think I've deserved any marks at all
I just have this compulsion
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:05, Reply)

I have to judge everyone fairly
Whether the remarks are well-researched or merely reactionary. I'm trying to do my part towards the improvement of B3ta.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:09, Reply)

Fuck off, then.


loljk
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:15, Reply)

You're just fishing for more attention
you screaming queen.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:16, Reply)

Fuck off you slack-jawed cunt
How fucking dare you, of all people, accuse anyone of fishing for attention. That's like Monty advising someone to cut back on the MDs
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:20, Reply)

Thank you.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:07, Reply)

If he holds his own while managing a group of children
he could well find himself on the end of some kind of restraining order.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:47, Reply)

'I 100% recommend Vipros be taken on
as the face of your new Tropicana/Delice de France collaborative campaign. I can assure you wholeheartedly that he is more than up to the job. His temperament and attitude are simply perfect for this role. Just don't ask him to name any wines'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:45, Reply)

+unless they have been mentioned on QI

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:46, Reply)

I have a virtually-full beard for the majority of the year
which I know betrays that I'm fundamentally lazy.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:45, Reply)

I try to conform to no known sterotype
Which is quite common.

Alt: "Please give this waster a job, they really need the money to spend on useless junk and Tayyabs. It may be an idea to restrict Internet access too."
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:45, Reply)

I frequently get told off for not paying attention to my wife
so I apologise and ask her to repeat whatever it was she was saying and then instantly find myself thinking about something totally unrelated, often song lyrics, until she stops talking and then I have to pretend I was listening that time or she gets really angry and punches me, so I end up making some generic comment that will likely fit what she was saying.

So I'm fairly stereotypically male.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:46, Reply)

I tried that with a slightly non-generic comment a couple of weeks back
boy did that backfire. I couldn't admit I wasn't listening either, so had to try and convince her that I misunderstood instead.

Was not fun.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:49, Reply)

Yeah, that's always really awkward

(Bazongaloid, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:50, Reply)

I'd say it probably led to the biggest falling-out we have ever had
which isn't saying much as generally we don't argue, but I'm shuddering to remember it.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:52, Reply)

Hmm?
Oh yes, no, I agree with you.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:52, Reply)

"you're right"
is never the wrong response.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:11, Reply)

Unless the question is:
'Do you think my breasts are of uneven size? is one bigger than the other, and if so, which one?'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:19, Reply)

No Monty, because then the response ought to be "your right"

(Bazongaloid, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:21, Reply)

So you're saying your wife has uneven tits?
I'm totally telling on you.

HEY EVERYONE! AL'S JUST SAID HIS MISSUS'S RIGHT TIT'S BIGGER THAN THE LEFT ONE!!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:24, Reply)

that's because when I fuck her I punch her in the left one

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:48, Reply)

POTD, quite possibly OTW.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:49, Reply)

i am high-maintenance and have a very definite taste for the finer things in life
but i buck the trend by paying for it myself and not expecting some man to do it whilst i loll around having fake tans and fake nails and fake boobs and fake hair and fucking the gardener
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:48, Reply)

you don't have a taste for the finer things in life
because at least half of them are made of meat
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:49, Reply)

I'd go with two thirds.
With at least 40% of that fraction comprising bacon and products containing bacon.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:51, Reply)

GET FAKE BOOBS
That would be fucking brilliant, you'd look like you were providing a chest-based sanctuary for abused spacehoppers
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:51, Reply)

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:10, Reply)

I like the way he has his name on his hat in case he losses it, I wonder if his mum stitched it in for him before he started school.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:28, Reply)

She also modelled for the fake tits probably.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:34, Reply)

get real
how many gardeners are actually that attractive?
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:18, Reply)

I'd write one for Lusty
Her patience for dealing with ill tempered geriatrics is unrivaled. Also she makes very good cakes and has awesome boobs.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:53, Reply)

+she also shows beard-wearing gentlemen the respect and awe they rightly deserve

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:53, Reply)

Haha "Lusty has been a part-time carer for an incontinent, abusive, elderly fascist for several months now."

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:59, Reply)

+ she would be perfect for the position of Gaddaffi's carer.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:00, Reply)

I'm not orange, I have a job and I don't nick stuff.
We were all like this in my Nana's day. I blame the government.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 12:55, Reply)

Typical scouser, not taking any responsibility.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:00, Reply)

haha

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:01, Reply)

Alt: PsychoChomp would be perfect for a carer's position
as he is well-versed at explaining things in mind-numbing detail. It is recommended that patients have ambulatory ability, preferably capable of reaching higher speeds than Mr Chomp.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:03, Reply)

"PsychoChomp has long harboured an ambition to work on a coma ward..."

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:08, Reply)

fat american!
alt: Broadsword. He likes breasts. Obviously this makes him fit for any position.
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:09, Reply)

'I believe Mr Foxtrot to be the perfect choice for 'Gok Wan's even gayer sidekick'.
He has already shown aptitude for the role by referring to female B3tans as 'honey' and frequently uses other 'gay best friend' terminology without any difficulty at all. Plus, he's a right fucking shirter'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:14, Reply)

Darth's Utter Bender Roadshow
Coming to a New Look near you soon!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:18, Reply)

8/10
Gets high marks for observation and developing the joke beyond the usual one-sentence gaggery. Not quite as good as the inspired work you put in earlier.

Sorry, Apey, a new bar has been set

Edit: What is this "gay best friend" terminology to which you refer? Cos I don't even know I'm doing it. Genuinely.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:22, Reply)

I'll let you know when you're doing it, with a helpful 'GBFT'.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:26, Reply)

Appreciate it

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:27, Reply)

Like I care what a man who is gayer than He-Man's nipples thinks

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:32, Reply)

7/10
Inventive, but it's hard to know just how gay a 1980's cartoon character's nipples really were
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:35, Reply)

Depends how often he made the 6 year old self lick hummus off them

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:38, Reply)

There's something badly wrong with you, sunshine.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:41, Reply)

And it's all He-Man's fault
I need to see your shrink
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:42, Reply)

I am NOT letting you see me naked in a cold shower.
I can see where this is leading. You disgust me.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:49, Reply)

hummusexual

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:42, Reply)

Dear Sirs
In the unliklely event that the above named tubby ever turns up to work, due to them being crippled with depression and shut-inism, for the love of god don't leave them unattended whilst in the presence of children or the handicapped.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:23, Reply)

PS they smell of wee-wee and 'Red Dwarf'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:27, Reply)

and MEAT

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:32, Reply)

Their specialty is the 'Arnold Rimmer'
Somewhat disappointinly the full act is merely the appendage of a letter to their forehead 0/10
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:32, Reply)