So our glourious leader
David "Call me Dave" Cameron says there's only one option to save this country, that's to have millions of new companies start up.

He's going to suck anyone off who hires 1000 people in 5 years, what high profit high employment export driven high tech British jobs for British workers type company are you going to form?

Think of me like a Dragon, a bit like Bannatyne but less satanic.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 10:58, 91 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Let's just brainstorm yeah?
There's no such thing as a bad idea?
(PsychoChomp, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:00, Reply)

you know what would be a great idea for the great unwashed?
DICTIONARIES and SPELL-CHECKERS.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:06, Reply)

DICTIONARIES and SPELL-CHECKERS gas chambers
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:30, Reply)

yeah that too

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:51, Reply)

Hiring tea ladies for our office
This would improve efficiency as we spend lots of time making a brew, thus improving performance and providing jobs
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:03, Reply)

I think there is actually a call for having tea ladies with trollys going round the office.
I wonder how much that'll actually cost a day...

Get me some figures
(PsychoChomp, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:05, Reply)

I'd say we lose about an hour a day all told in tea/coffee making
So 5 hours a week for an office of 11. Our company is 130 staff - GO PSYCHOCHOMP!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:09, Reply)

You're talking just over one WTE a day.
So assuming tea lady is quicker than normal people, and that tea lady is cheaper than the people who go off to make tea.
then I think it actually could work, anything around £300-400 a day could actually save money for the company.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:12, Reply)

oh I was going to ask you if you wanted to make a graph for me
If I do are you going to tell me to fuck off?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:21, Reply)

Depends if the graph is some "hilarious" way to call me a rapist or not.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:26, Reply)

*something about standard deviation*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:32, Reply)

I made a graph about you
I thought I'd analyse the qualities you display on here, plus throw in some projected results for various different paradigm changes. It's a bit big, so you'll have to click here.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:49, Reply)

*ginger tea lols*

( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:56, Reply)

You're shit at graphs.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:58, Reply)

I know
But then that was the first graph I've had to make in about 6 years.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:00, Reply)

*emails directors*
Dear bosses,

The internet told me to get a tea lady in. Please fix it for me to drink coffee on demand

Love,
Sportscow
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:30, Reply)

Dear Sportscow,
Thank you for your suggestion, we have discussed this question at length and have come to some conclusions:

1: The companies current budget does not account for any new members of staff.
2: A tea lady would not have th proper Health and Saftey qualifications to make you coffe, we would therefore have to hire a barrista as well.

I am therefore afraid to say that your request has been denied, we love hearing your suggestions though so please do send any other ideas that you might have.

regards

The Boss

PS - you're fired
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:33, Reply)

Dear Mr Sugar,
Since when did you become a director at Fisters? Also, have you seen the shite we have to drink in here? Coffee may be pushing it. More like unidentified hot black liquid

Love,
Sportscow
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:36, Reply)

ROBOWHORES

( broadsword, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:06, Reply)

Wouldn't that put all the normal whores out of work?
You don't want whores out on the street do you?
(PsychoChomp, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:07, Reply)

Yeah, they may turn to prostitution to make ends meet

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:09, Reply)

I think competition in the whore marketplace can only increase productivity

( broadsword, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:10, Reply)

easy to clean a robowhore too
which can only result in less transmission of STDs. Reducing the burden on GUM clinics etc.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:14, Reply)

And drive down costs.
To tell you the truth, if you could actually design a decent robowhore I would buy shares, there's always going to be a market for that shit.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:15, Reply)

I think for the marketing campaign I will use a re-animated Timothy Leary repeating "turn on, log in, spluff out"

( broadsword, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:35, Reply)

Now I'm interested.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:37, Reply)

and maybe a jingle
"Broadsword's Robo who-ores
they're whorily versatile"
( broadsword, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:47, Reply)

I would like to start a purpose built film/computer game studio
As genres merge britain would be a step ahead of the competition in creating immersive comupter games that engaged players with the sort of story telling currently seen in the movie industry.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:22, Reply)

I'm going to open a ladies clothes shop
No, don't worry, I've not gone all Darth on you. This is strictly business.

I'm going to sell ladies clothing, but with all of the size labels replaced with the next size lower, so that an outfit with a size 10 label will actually be a size 12 etc.

The stuff will be flying out the door.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:23, Reply)

This is genius!
*buys gazillion shares in Fisters - driving home fashion*
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:31, Reply)

if you adopt that tagline
I am definitely in
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:12, Reply)

I was quite proud of that

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:16, Reply)

They all do this already.
It's a well known retail trick. Sorry to disappoint.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:35, Reply)

Christ
You mean my ex-wife was even fatter than I thought? You heartless bastard.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:45, Reply)

She was a right go-er though, eh lads?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:46, Reply)

Aye well good luck with that mate.
She was a right biffer.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:48, Reply)

Yeah, I'm going to tell you so that you can steal my idea.
I'm on to you, you horrible little Herbert.
( Kroney, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:23, Reply)

There must be some way to export our penchant for moaning to the international market?
Or we could employ people to go abroad and teach people how to queue or make proper cups of tea?
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:25, Reply)

What annoys me is everyone in the public sector moaning about cuts
Guess what? the private sector started making cuts two years ago and monsy has continued to be tight ever since.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:28, Reply)

I agree.
those cunts can shut the fuck up. Same with ones going on strike.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:31, Reply)

Alright Hucknall you're getting boring now, we get it, OK?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:31, Reply)

What's monsy, anyway?

( Kroney, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:35, Reply)

A very pertinent question.
What the fuck IS monsy?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:35, Reply)

It's like money, but gay

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:36, Reply)

I believe it is a colloquialism
meaning Monty's Mimsy
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:37, Reply)

Mick Hucknall?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:36, Reply)

OH REALLY??!?!
Of course I fucking knew that, I'm in the public sector and I reserve the right to moan about anything I want, I don't have to bow down to the private sector for approval, to expect me to is fucking retarded.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:32, Reply)

I was referring more to the coverage in the media rather than you specifically

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:34, Reply)

I think the estimates that 28,000 jobs will be going from the police force is worth a bit of news coverage.
How many companies in the UK even have 28,000 employees?
(PsychoChomp, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:39, Reply)

Mine does.

( Kroney, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:42, Reply)

Mine does

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:43, Reply)

And that's after the cuts we made two years ago.
These public sector nonces have such a cushy ride, NakedApe. They deserve a towelling.
( Kroney, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:46, Reply)

They certainly don't deserve their pensions
lazy good for nothing jobsworths the lot of them
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:48, Reply)

And we've become so inured to their utter uselessness
that we don't even expect them to do any work. It's not that they've only started needing to cut jobs two years after the private sector, it's that it took two years for their tax-funded, complacent managers to notice that they were losing money.
( Kroney, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:51, Reply)

admin people in the public sector (ie not medics or teachers)
generally work v easy hours compared to the rest of us in the private sector, eg courts and councils work from 10-4. 10-4?? christ! and they get things like flexi-time, which we'd get laughed out of any private office for suggesting. THEN they have the nerve to whinge about being "busy" and earning a lower wage...

if you don't like it, don't moan, go and get a job in the more cut-throat world where the rest of us have to live. then see how much you feel like moaning about your previous cushty working lifestyle.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:56, Reply)

Sooo 2?

(PsychoChomp, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:47, Reply)

The office commode
Think about the productivity increase if your office drones could be at their desk all day without piss/shit breaks.

Are you an office drone?

Think of the pleasure in taking a massive dump while that annoying bloke from finance is on the phone explaining last weeks figures...
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:33, Reply)

I shall form a company that make slippers for men that aren't shit.
Fucking clean up, I will*.




*Literally. The idea is so shit I'll end up as a bin man.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:43, Reply)

I have slippers with breasts on.
Your move, Monty.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:53, Reply)

NICE ONE!
I bet you also have a 'bra and knickers' cooking apron!!!

You fucking northerners are so hideously common.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:55, Reply)

I have a cow apron

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:56, Reply)

Nope, I'm neither middle aged, nor a retard.
Two things you also hold over me.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:09, Reply)

But you are, by your own admission, common?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:23, Reply)

I don't feel the need to address being called 'common' by someone who lives in a crack den.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:28, Reply)

A Crack den in London will always be far superior to a "normal" house in Middlesborough
or whatever frozen, polluted hell hole you call home.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:35, Reply)

No such thing exists in Boro

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:36, Reply)

Macclesfield, next to 2 very rich towns.
And I live in an old Georgian(?) mansion.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:41, Reply)

The fact that you used the word "rich" proves my point

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:58, Reply)

Fair enough
Feel free to choose your own adjective to describe Wilmslow and Alderley Edge.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 13:29, Reply)

They should be called NIPpers then

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:55, Reply)

Or Slappers

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:22, Reply)

Monty, just letting you know, I got a Yop on my desk and one in my bag.
Yo' yo' yo', mike check, one two, one two.
I got a yop on me desk 'cus yop is best,
I used to be a heroin feind you know what I mean,
Instead of jacking up I shake it up and fill a cup with that yoppy stuff.

Yo' yo' yo', I got a yop on my desk 'cus I know what is best.
I love that last gloopy bit 'cus I don't leave what I don't detest.
Strawberry was the only flavour they had, and it makes me glad, because strawb flave is fab.
If you don't like it I'll kick you like I'm a member of the triad.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:05, Reply)

*signs Gonz up to 8-album deal*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:17, Reply)

Ey yo Gonz with ya Yoplait, you just a top gay
All that dairy you drunk, was Foxtrot’s spunk
You like to give him mad hugs, I prefer the Massive Drugs
So take your yoghurt drink and shove it, you know you’d fucking love it
Right up your ass….I’d rather stick to my grass
IT’S LIKE THAT.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:24, Reply)

BWOOOOOY!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:34, Reply)

The thing is, if they just got rid of the 100s of 1000s of people who seem to have jobs just for the sake of having jobs (and everyone in the NHS I've spoken to knows at least one person like that, but it's never _them_ )
I mean, the kind of people who's job seems to be things like "I know, we could have a poster campaign to tell people not to abuse the staff... on account of people who abuse staff generally noticing posters". Ok, bad example, but you get what I mean.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:00, Reply)

I was reading in the paper today, for everything that is negative in it, there is an oppersistion MP putting the boot in.
For example, one labour MP, some finance dude, was bitching'n'moaning that the barclays dude got £1.6m in bonuses..... yet under his rule, they were getting like £30m in bonuses.

I've come up with an idea, no MP should take home, after bonuses, more than the PM (and the PM's wages should not rise on account of this). I don't see how they can do that, imagine if you took home more than your boss, it's just madness.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:08, Reply)

Bob Diamond of Barclays
Was awarded a £6.5m bonus yesterday. I think it was a cash bonus and didn't include his share options. He is a non-dom taxpayer and pays only £25,000 a year in tax.

My idea would be forced suicide booths for bankers and when they're dead we have a draw for their cash. It could go around the country, a glorious banker murdering roadshow. It'd be standing room only.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:14, Reply)

I was watching a clip from the Daily Show yesterday
showing certain people insisting that bankers had contracts and these were inviolate and therefore they must get their bonuses, and then these same people saying that teachers must be prepared to compromise and renegotiate their contracts.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:25, Reply)

That's right.
The bonus' are contractual, not discretionary.

If you are the employee then you are going to want to get what you are contractually entitled to. I know I would.

Fucking teachers and nurses, sponging off the honest English (not British) taxpayers.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:45, Reply)

Ahh, I couldn't remember if it was 1.6 or 6.5, it was 50/50 there. It's still a hell of a lot less than 33m that the last bloke got.
It's hardly his fault that the country has such loop holes, however, if I was him I'd have to give a fuckload to charties 'cus Karma would really fuck me up big time.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:27, Reply)

If Karma existed

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:28, Reply)

Which it doesn't

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:33, Reply)

Yes it does.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:36, Reply)

You might like to call it "Coincidence" or "Consequence", but it's still the same thing.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:37, Reply)

No it's not
If we're talking about karma in the strict sense that it applies to how your next life plays out, then there's no provable answer as to it's existence.
If we're talking about it being 'something that catches up with you if you do something bad or greedy', then no it is not the same as 'coincidence' or 'consequence'. Plus, the very act of saying you'll do something selfless so that karma rewards you later is a selfish act, thus arguably would get you punished later.
Everything is a consequence of things that happened before, but there is no logical reason to associate any type of mysticism or supernatural element to it.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:42, Reply)

I live in a bubble world with my own faiths and beliefs, please don't try and pop them.
I believe that by the very act of "being a decent/charitable/good/whatever person", the rewards that come from that would be any of a number of things (such as people seeing you're a good person and wanting to hang around you, or help you in the future), but absolutly mostly, is that it makes _you_ be able to feel good about _your_self. That is the reward from doing good deeds.

I was once told that you undo any good you do if you mention charity, I think that's bullshit, because let's say someone was a billionare and gave a few million to restore an old person's home; if he mentions it does the house burn down or something? There is a huge following of the richest people in the western world who are dedicating the _majority_ of their fortunes to helping out others... I bet they feel fucking awesome about that, and why shouldn't they?

If everyone believed essenchally 'what goes around, comes around', which is my very simplistic interpritation of Karma, the world would be a much better place.

I don't believe the karama thing in regards to 'the next life', but that's the good thing about faith and beliefs, like with cooking, you can make it fit your own bill.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:56, Reply)

The only thing that goes around/comes around is the Circle line
and that's not very often
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:37, Reply)

I think he got £20m in share options
That he has to wait 3 years to cash. Tough at the top.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:33, Reply)

The reality is that for every front line role there is an awful lot of backroom stuff that needs to be done.
Hospitals have to have pay role and finance, IT, complaints monitoring, facilities managers, training people, cleaners, biomedical scientists, porters, mortitians, grounds keepers, security, on top of them you need team leaders, clinical leads, department heads and a board. I've missed a bunch probably

Now there is fat to trim out of that system, there always is, but the idea that the majority are unnecessary is just wrong.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:11, Reply)

Nonononononono, not at all, they're all really important, I'm thinking of individuals rather than roles.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 12:35, Reply)