Off TopicAre you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend.
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rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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I'll be honest, I'm not entirely comfortable telling Monty whether I agree or disagree with his ideas to help his daughterTherefore I ask a simple question, what do you see if you look directly ahead right now?
I can see my monitor, and behind that a colleague's rather impressive pair of breasts. It's a good day.
Alt: What upcoming events are you excited for?
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 14:45,
182 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
RepostThis is what I see.
Alt: I'm looking forward to two birthday bashes this month, plus many more bashes lined up, but the big event is my holiday in Japan in August.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 14:48,
Reply)
Can you pretend to be looking at your phone and take a photo of them?(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 14:48, Reply)
Sadly not, I'm banned from having my phone in the office(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 14:49,
Reply)
Because you're a registered sex pest?Or because everyone got fucking sick of hearing your green day ring tone going off.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 14:52, Reply)
Do you need a licence now to be a sex pest?I shall head down the Post Office immediately.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 14:54, Reply)
Neither, as I'm not sales, and don't have kids or a dog, I'm not allowed to use mine at work(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:06,
Reply)
Basically, it's my way of saying everyone is allowed one, except for me(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:13,
Reply)
Have you not questioned this policy?(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:17,
Reply)
Not worth it, boss will just piss and moan.(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:20,
Reply)
Why don't you just claim you've bought a dog?(
Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:21,
Reply)
Why not?*Pats head*
You can spend all day on here, but can't use a mobile?
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:19, Reply)
I'm very quick with Alt+TabAnd my back is to a wall, so no-one can see my desk unless they're behind me.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:31,
Reply)
What sort of company treats it's employee's like children who can't be trusted to use a phone only when appropriate?(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:08,
Reply)
Bless, does she have to sit at the front of the class as well?(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:16,
Reply)
Only when he wets himself in class.He then has to stand on a chair, IN HIS PANTS.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:20, Reply)
I can see my two screens, one displaying my burgeoning inbox, and the other my shockingly unimaginative responseAlt; I'm looking forward to going and getting myself a coffee in about 20 seconds. Hopefully this will make my brain more exciting for everyone else.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 14:49, Reply)
I'm looking at an erupting volcano lol jk I'm looking at a screen like FUCKING EVERYONE ELSE YOU SPASTIC
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 14:49, Reply)
I did answer this with a sigh, but as I've spent most of the day being mean to AA, I thought i'd cut her some slack(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 14:52,
Reply)
Two screens and desk, to my right is a wonderful panarama of South West LondonALT: 20 week scan tomorrow, I felt the little blighhter kicking last night, weird and wonderful.
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 14:51,
Reply)
Dirty boring office space with a window looking onto a dirty boring engineering space.My mate is coming over from New Zealand next month and I haven't seen her for a few years so it will be fantastic.
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girlinthehole, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 14:53,
Reply)
This Sunday's Irish Parade.100,000 spectators expected, and about 100 floats.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 14:53, Reply)
rows of carsalt: a baby shower on saturday, that's about it
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Lisette von Falcon, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 14:54,
Reply)
You clicked on my linkVALIDATED.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 14:57,
Reply)
i.imgur.com/X63G8.png
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:07,
Reply)
Loving the tabs ;)(
Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:08,
Reply)
Slough.... Please send a rescue party....
Anybody out there reading this, I'm losing the will to live.
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Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:07,
Reply)
This:i787.photobucket.com/albums/yy155/belladonnaanodyne/2011-03-10151131.jpg
Boring.
Alt: Brighton tomorrow!
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:08, Reply)
Right handed person is a left handed smoker?(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:09,
Reply)
Yeah, I can't use the mouse if I have a cigarette in my handsI'm just used to it now.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:11, Reply)
Not from the picture you posted, no.(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:15,
Reply)
Number and Caps lock on.You must be angry on the internet.
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Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:10,
Reply)
Needs more nude reflectionand sharkes and helicopters and lasers and robot dogs
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:11,
Reply)
I was trying, but my screen doesn't reflect.However, I agree completely with everything else you said.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:13, Reply)
I can't sit facing the wall like that, I have the massive fear that someone will sneak up behind me(
Lisette von Falcon, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:18,
Reply)
hahaha sorry, it's a crippling fearI was even hunched on the ground cleaning my dogs cage the other day with my arse in the air facing the door and heard a noise, I don't think I've ever moved so fast to turn around
like there's some psycho out trying to murder me
it's likely I'm the crazy one
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Lisette von Falcon, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:44,
Reply)
Three monitorsThe Animatrix
A 8 port Cisco switch
a Cisco 7940 IP Phone
Two pairs of Oakleys
An A1 size printout of the blueprints for the Millennium Falcon
A backwards clock.
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Peej, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:11,
Reply)
They aren't mineI can just see them. To my left are my sunglasses a pair of Bloc cycling glasses
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Peej, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:32,
Reply)
One sock and a Tesco's finest pizza.
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JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:12,
Reply)
I'll bet The Daily Mail is your only 'friends and family' number.(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:16,
Reply)
I've asked Heather Mills over for a bite to eat.I don't want her thinking I'm taking the piss.
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JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:18,
Reply)
I just discovered I can watch porn on my phone.(
Lisette von Falcon, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:24,
Reply)
The messiest room everAlt: The Inevitable and Upcomtering Disaster (soon to be a blockbuster.) Alternatively then going out on Saturday.
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Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:14,
Reply)
A fucking HSE risk assessment which I found out about this morningand which has to be completed today. Fuck.
I'm going on holiday seven weeks today, woo!
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:21, Reply)
Be nice to the Germans.They don't understand you like we do.
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girlinthehole, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:30,
Reply)
I can't believe you didn't appreciate my very witty comment about this.(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:31, Reply)
I did actually, it got a proper chuckleI read it in the voice of that guy with the shades from CSI.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:40, Reply)
Right!Alt: CombiChrist have finally announced some UK tour dates, and obviously they've scheduled their London and Nottingham gigs for the only two days in July which I can't make, so I'm "looking forward" to a 500-mile round trip to see them in Manchester a few days earlier. This will be two trips to Manchester in the space of a month following a wedding there. I'm concerned. Can you contract "monkey"?
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:21, Reply)
Yep, saw today they're playing LeamingtonSo will see them if I'm still here in June.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:22,
Reply)
How far is that from you?I ask because Manchester was my next choice on account of knowing people there - Leamington's a lot closer to me and therefore cheaper to get to. If you're up for it we could make an incredibly small bash of it
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:27, Reply)
Leamington is about 20 mins away from meAnd yes I would be up for that :)
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:29,
Reply)
I'm still debating moving down to LondonWill make a decision within the next two months, depends on pay rise announcements here.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:34,
Reply)
Oh yeah you did mention yesterday.Three months away yet innit, I'll keep an eye on ticket sales in case we need to act snappy
*imitates crocodile*
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:36, Reply)
Good planI'm sure I could sell mine on if I did get one then move.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:38,
Reply)
You probably couldI on the other hand would be looking for someone who lives within 30 miles of Leamington Spa and likes CombiChrist. A list of one.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:40, Reply)
I'll keep you postedLike I say, I should know soon.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:46,
Reply)
I hope you get the result you're hoping for at work mateIf you move to London we'll end up doing a gig together eventually anyway!
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:54, Reply)
Right, I can't come thenSorry. I'll be in, er, Manchester. At a wedding.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:39, Reply)
I know, ironic that I'm travelling 250 miles straight past youReally sorry honey. I've known these guys ten years.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:45, Reply)
I wouldn't expect you to not go to a wedding even if you'd known them for much less.(
girlinthehole, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:51,
Reply)
Annoying timing thoughFeel free to send me gossip updates throughout the evening
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:55, Reply)
You're not from Manchester!It wasn't Northern Monkey I was worried about catching, my Dad is a Yorkshireman. It was Manc-specific Monkey.
Lots of monkeys in Manchester.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:49, Reply)
Oh yeahAlt: The very bestest part of my year will be InFest in Bradford August Bank Holiday weekend. I am planning to get fucked up in the company of the charming and highly attractive BelladonnaAnodyne.
Is that better?
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:52, Reply)
Thank you.I think I have a problem anyway Darth. I got a stupidly oversized bag to pack for tomorrow, and used all my Tetris abilities to squeeze everything I want to take in. So phenomenal, in fact, were my packing abilities, I even had a teeny bit of space left over. So I packed 3 more tops. Am I going to look like a mental?
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:56, Reply)
The very first thing he's going to think is"Christ! She's actually moving in! What the fuck kind of possessive mentalist is she?"
Once you disavow him of this notion and assure him that you're going back to Bradford after a few days of fun and fornication, the truth - "I cannot leave home without enough clothing and footwear to keep a branch of Oxfam in business for a month" - will be positively palatable in comparison
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:02, Reply)
I think selling all my stuff might actually solve world hunger.I'm not going to do it though, I like my stuff.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:04, Reply)
I just thinkI would have to sell *all* my stuff to solve world hunger. Someone with a bit more money could do it much easier. So why should I?
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:09, Reply)
I no, rite?But just thinking, right, why are we paying £20-40 million for two chinless oiks to get hitched when the money could obviously be used more effectively to stop people in this country starving?
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:15, Reply)
Oh that's bang out of order*loads trebuchet with early birthday rpesent*
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:23, Reply)
in ordermy phone
a spin dryer
the launderette window
a pack of feral chavlets
a busy road I'm hoping they wander into
a shop selling fluorescent workwear
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:21,
Reply)
Poirot says....'Lighty is living in a bus-shelter'
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JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:23,
Reply)
I'm in a launderette you Belgian buffoon(
The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:25,
Reply)
I'm slightly more masculine(
The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:32,
Reply)
You'd have done better to go with "younger"or "less abjectly horrific"
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:33, Reply)
"more horrific than Dot Cotton"is surely some kind of nonsense phrase.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:36,
Reply)
Like "less funny than Michael McIntyre""more boring than Chompy"
"less popular than Nick Clegg"
I could go all day
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:38, Reply)
I read that as "a packet of feral chavlets" and thought what an interesting name for a snack!
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Lisette von Falcon, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:23,
Reply)
alt: poker at the weekendand then doing the double over Arsenal next weekend. I also just booked a room for Blousie's Bash, woo!
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:24,
Reply)
It'd be like parking your tricycle in an aircraft hangerthat was full of other mens spunk, and AIDS
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:35,
Reply)
An aircraft hangar full of spunk would be quite a sightin a slightly Ghostbusters 2 way. Assume all the spunk was from gay men. Everyone knows they have pink spaff
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:38, Reply)
That would explain your comment about giving a pink pearl necklace the other day!(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:40,
Reply)
Just to return to this point,how long do you think it would take to fill an aircraft hanger with spunk? Cos I'm pretty sure we could sell that as some kind of modern art. Say we put a team of B3tans to work (as if any of us have anything better to do) in shifts around the clock. How long would it take to produce sufficient cock-yoghurt?
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:48, Reply)
This might answer your question:www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkcCYQEKWE0
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:50, Reply)
Don't you remember anything from school?"If it takes one man approximately 100 years to fill a bath with his own ejaculate, how long would it take the same man to fill a volume equivalent to [some large number of] baths?"
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:59, Reply)
The average ejaculation is 5mlThe average aircraft hanger has a volume of X, you do the math
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:52,
Reply)
Three thingsa) X is not a number, I need to know what it represents
b) In this country we call it "maths"
c) Do it yourself, you're good at this or something, aren't you?
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:58, Reply)
Additional:You're just looking for an excuse to watch a number of us masturbate, aren't you?
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:54, Reply)
No, and that brings me to my next pointIn order to fill the aircraft hangar with spunk in time to cash in on its artistic properties before we're all old and withered, it may be necessary, based on the size and capacity of the average human scrotum, to amend the plan slightly, as follows;
+animals
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:59, Reply)
So, you want to watch us masturbate alongside several tribes of randy chimpanzees?(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:01, Reply)
It's at The Staff of LifeWhich Google claims is 20 minutes walk. Better than Hebden Bridge anyway.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:34,
Reply)
It's on a steep hill. I think a taxi back will be advisable.(
girlinthehole, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:37,
Reply)
Local knowledge FTWprobably wisest course anyway, or I'd end up staggering past it in the dark and end up in Burnley...
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:45,
Reply)
You would say that, you're from BlackburnWhich is of course fucking delightful
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:00, Reply)
Great.Now I'll be the one that falls asleep early and ends up being drawn on in markerpen.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:54, Reply)
Not if I start drinking early enoughThen I can engage in my usual house party routine of talking bollocks quite insistently at someone for a couple of hours before finding a quiet, comfortable place to sit down and doze off.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:58, Reply)
I am reliably informed that Monty's was not quietyou were quite comfortable though.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:01, Reply)
Yeah, I must admit I'm quite amazed you were able to sleep through that.(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:02, Reply)
BEHOLD! The amazing sleeping woman!The ability to sleep anywhere and through just about anything is my superpower..
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:05, Reply)
Obvious facetious response asideTwo graphs that don't line up. There's no reason why they should line up, it's not as if they owe me any favours or anything, but it really would make my life a lot easier if they would line up.
Alt: The day my graphs line up. Don't know how long I'll be waiting for that one though.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:35, Reply)
Until you learn how to manipulate data to your advantage(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:37,
Reply)
I've triedI've even done the whole "I'm fine" trick when one of them asked me what was wrong...the little bleeders just won't shift.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:40, Reply)
I've flapped my wrists ineffectually at the screen and now I'm fresh out of ideas.(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:40, Reply)
I've even tried making it mega-ginormousAll it did was emphasise how badly they line up. Arguably it looks better if I make it small and squint really hard at it.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:43, Reply)
I'll swap you for this risk assessment form if you like.I'd rather make maths obey me than fill this fucker in.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:51, Reply)
Your offer is temptingThough I'm not sure you'd want me filling in your risk assessment form...I'm a bit of liability, me.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:53, Reply)
You can be a liability all you likeIt's having to fill in a seperate form for each of the cell lines we use that's pissing me off.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:04, Reply)
Oh christ. Suddenly the offer is less temptingBut then...spectra I should know something about, or cell lines I can legitimately know bugger all about? They do say ignorance is bliss...
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:08, Reply)
It gets betterwe use 15 or so cell lines and some of them require two forms and information I have spent all afternoon trying to find.
*weeps quietly*
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:10, Reply)
Bloody hellFor what it's worth, you have my sympathies. (Are cell lines really that dangerous to work with?)
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:15, Reply)
Nopeit's just the HSE making us jump through ridiculous hoops. The risk is virtually nil but we still have to fill in this 7 page cunting form for everything, with a further 10 page form on top of that for some of the cell lines. And that's just the biological risk assessments: we have to do a chemical risk assessment for every procedure we routinely do in the lab as well (ie, lots of them) And they all need to be completed for a week on Monday, on top of all the work I normally do and the work that neesd doing in the lab to ensure that it'll pass the inspection.
Guess who has to sort all that lot out? Fucking muggins here, that's who.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:20, Reply)
this weekend! friday night - drinks in the american bar at the savoy and then dinner at a fancy restaurant
sat morn - manicure and hair appointment
saturday/sunday going to stay with a friend
lovely.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:39,
Reply)
alt Amy new job, just got offered it. its 3hours less a day commuting and an extra 25% salary.
FUCKING RESULT
apologies for the cheery gloat but am chuffed to bits
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zulu eh?, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:41,
Reply)
Nice one.(How long is your commute currently then, if you can lop 3 hours off it?)
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:44, Reply)
bristol to oxfordso about 1h40 each way. I do work from home a day or two a week but still...
New one is about 10mins down the road.
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zulu eh?, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:46,
Reply)
Three , the new job is wanking like a chimp in his bedroom(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:46,
Reply)
See, I'd be scepticalif it weren't for the fact that "reality TV" programmes basically pay people to do this in the name of entertainment...
(, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:56, Reply)
That is a lot less commuting.Well done.
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Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:46,
Reply)
Alt: LOADSI'm going to see Chas and Dave with a sexy London girl, I'm going to see Puressence with a sexy scotsman, I'm going to shout around London like it's 1984 and I'm off to Scotland to frighten my in-laws.
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Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:14,
Reply)
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