Morning all
I had a productive evening doing work for one of our sites and also was a good Dad by getting some tickets for Mrs Cow and my daughter to watch Beauty and the Beast pantomime as her Easter present. The sharp eyed amongst you will notice I did not buy a ticket for me. The thought of pantomime makes me ill

What good things have you done recently?

Alt Q:
What naughty things have you done recently?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:01, 106 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I've been sleeping with my ex recently, but I've stopped now, as she's getting feelings again, and as I don't reciprocate them, it seems unfair to continue with the current behaviour
Alt: My ex.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:10, Reply)

*raises eyebrow*
Will this not cause beef either way?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:11, Reply)

Aye, there's going to be a fall out soon
I made it clear last night I'm not interested in pursuing a relationship with her, and that I want to stay friends. She responded with 'plenty of fish in the sea, after all', so I'm not sure how she'll be in the coming weeks...
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:16, Reply)

Plenty of fish
but you still pick her clam, eh?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:16, Reply)

plenty of fish for her.
AA has to take what he can get.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:17, Reply)

A hole's a goal

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:17, Reply)

What are you talking about? He's the smoothest player here.
Before even a girl's first post she already has a gaz from him ! He's everything that Chompy would be if Chompy wasn't instant-friend-zoned and gay-big-brother'd.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:21, Reply)

HAHAHA!!
*clicks hard*
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:30, Reply)

he calls is Shock and Phwoar

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:01, Reply)

Charming and Witty

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:10, Reply)

what kind of key opens the doors in a zoo?
A Monkey.

I just sent this to a girl I find attractive. It's like I don't want to have sex.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:22, Reply)

I'm sure such a joke will drop knickers at 10ft

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:24, Reply)

Is she 7?

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:41, Reply)

For lack of a better term, it's not difficult.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:19, Reply)

at least you stop when she is developing feelings
don't think you are at fault really
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:21, Reply)

she's probably thinking
"I can lure him back in with sex and then ensnare him"

that's typical woman thinking that is
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:17, Reply)

It's a good job you've settled down with someone.
Because you'd be no use dating.
( girlinthehole, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:18, Reply)

I've only ever been on one date.
it was to the pub, I was massively stoned, she had bumped into an old friend on the way to the pub, who happened to be a really hot lesbian. I spent the whole time listening to them talk and imagining them suggesting a threesome.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:19, Reply)

Goodness knows I hope you never split with the Mrs but it would be funny if you did and had to date again.

( girlinthehole, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:22, Reply)

I've changed quite a bit since I was last single
approximately 9 years ago. I think I'd be a bit better at it now.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:23, Reply)

I'm falling at the first hurdle
Of finding someone suitable that I'd like to ask out for a date. As soon as I do though, I'm sure I'll be perfectly fine at failing to ask them out.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:32, Reply)

heh, that's the tricky bit
before my mrs, who I was friends with for 4 years before we got together, I was with a girl who I lived with before going out, prior to that was another girl from the same group of friends, and prior to that the girl asked me out.

we've got past the age where merely getting drunk works as a way of starting a relationship.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:35, Reply)

Aye
Em's started seeing a new fella, who works at the theatre with her. Getting that job has done wonders for her, she's made loads of cool friends, including this boy, and she's not getting messed around by management like she was at New Look.
Considering how shit my Stratford friends have become now they've all coupled up, I need to meet some new people. Which will probably involve moving.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:38, Reply)

that's cool
sounds like you do need to get out. I know your post yesterday was mostly in jest, but there is clearly some truth in it. Get out of there, get down to London and admit your true feelings for TGB
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:40, Reply)

I do admit my true feelings for her
I tell her I hate her all the time.

At the moment I'm trying to cling to reasons not to move, because I can't afford to do so for at least 6 months. Also, I fear losing all my free time to a new job.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:49, Reply)

love and hate are sides of the same coin
also, there's a thin line between them, which I assume is delineated by the edge of the coin.

fair enough though, I wouldn't want to lose all my time to a job. It's bad enough having to do 7.5 - 8 hours a day, 5 days a week
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:51, Reply)

Precisely
Friends who have moved down (in the same Industry) regularly work 12 hour days and weekends, and quite frankly I think that's insane.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:52, Reply)

there's no need for it as far as I can tell
stuff just isn't that urgent. That's the trouble with people, they think their stuff is so important that it must be done IMMEDIATELY! when actually they are an insignificant arseface, this leads to people being made to work stupid hours.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:54, Reply)

Couldn't agree more
And if a job routinely takes someone 12-14 hours a day, then either they suck at the job, or management need to hire a second person.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:00, Reply)

yep!

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:03, Reply)

You are a bit of a pillock.
But I'm sure you're aware of that fact.
( girlinthehole, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:15, Reply)

Young innit
We all did VERY SILLY THINGS then
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:16, Reply)

I'm aware, aye
But for once I'm at least trying to do the right thing!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:16, Reply)

I can't think of anything for either of them
I can only conclude that I have done nothing.

I'll buy my mrs some flowers or a plant on the way home today though. Probably.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:16, Reply)

I bought some daffodils for Mrs Cow at the weekend
as they are her favourite flower (cheap too!)
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:17, Reply)

got her some a couple of weeks back
good value.

I suspect that a potted plant of some kind is the way to go.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:18, Reply)

This^

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:19, Reply)

potted plant Noel's 15"black rubber dildo
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:22, Reply)

That does get around a bit

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:24, Reply)

You forgot this, I think
a
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:24, Reply)

I visited my sis last night who was a bit down just to make sure she was ok.
I haven't done anything naughty for a long time.
( girlinthehole, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:17, Reply)

You are on naughty duty today
EDIT:

I am having lunch with a friend on Friday who is really down at the moment. Her sister died not long ago from a brain tumour and she is very lonely.
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:18, Reply)

What does that mean?

( girlinthehole, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:18, Reply)

It means you have to do something naughty today

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:19, Reply)

I can't be bothered.
I'm a bit hungover.
( girlinthehole, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:20, Reply)

Do it later then

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:24, Reply)

Noel's 15"black rubber dildo
and

Noel's 15"black rubber dildo
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:18, Reply)

I hope you wiped it first

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:20, Reply)

yes I did...


with my tongue
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:21, Reply)

*chunder*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:24, Reply)

Good work there mate
Good things... I bought Ms Foxtrot flowers for no reason other than that she didn't have any and I'd tidied the house and wanted the front room to look nice. Does that count?

Alt: I masturbate almost constantly. I'm masturbating right now. That's why it's taken me so long to reply.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:24, Reply)

That does count, yes
Brownie points.

Alt:
Mindbleach please
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:25, Reply)

Can someone pass Sporty the mindbleach?
I'm busy
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:29, Reply)

You have a hand free
Almost two in fact
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:29, Reply)

One typing
One wanking

How many hands do you think I have?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:39, Reply)

I was merely implying that you have a small cock

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:40, Reply)

I got it

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:42, Reply)

I got it too
But I was hardly likely to indulge you
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:49, Reply)

s hardly likely to indulge you
nt you to worry that I am going to bust your rectum wide open.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:52, Reply)

8/10 and a click
Well earned
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:58, Reply)

woo!

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:04, Reply)

That's my good thing I've done recently;
I've made Vipros' god damn day
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:06, Reply)

you aspire to make my hole weak though

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:07, Reply)

That, if anything, is even better
Not quite a 9, but take a second successive 8/10, a click and the knowledge that you made me officelol despite what is promising to be an absolute shithouse of a working day.

I'd quit now if I were you. You'll never see glory like this again
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:09, Reply)

I'll take your advice

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:10, Reply)

+a +hole

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 30 Mar 2011, 12:45, Reply)

7/10
Porkylips nips in there with a rarity
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 13:12, Reply)

day anus into a pleasure palace for my dirty gay cock
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:08, Reply)

Hmm. 7/10
Only because Vippers has set the bar so high
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:10, Reply)

I realised this as soon as I posted, thanks for the sympathy points

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:11, Reply)

Not at all, sir. Good quality use of the strikethrough
Your previous form works in your favour also
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:14, Reply)

ta muchly, to be honest I haven't finished my coffe and I'm struggling to get going this morning

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:15, Reply)

Needs MOAR e

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:17, Reply)

Point proven

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:19, Reply)

I'm always good
apart from recently, when I was rather enjoyably naughty. *grins*
(berk, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:25, Reply)

hehehe
BUSTED!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:28, Reply)

+ back doors

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:28, Reply)

I thought this went without saying

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:29, Reply)

Eugh, definitely not.
my bottom is southbound traffic only, thanks.
(berk, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:30, Reply)

God no, I wouldn't sleep with any of them.

(berk, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:29, Reply)

Too shit at tennis, the lot of them

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:29, Reply)

It's the scary eyebrows, they do absolutely nothing for me.

(berk, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:31, Reply)

*hides eyebrows*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 9:31, Reply)

*tumbleweeds*
As the pictire competition is for cheese this week:

What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?


halloumi!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:07, Reply)

What sort of cheese can you hide a horse in?
Marscapone
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:09, Reply)

What kind of cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?


Camenbert
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:10, Reply)

What cheese is made backwards?
Edam!
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:10, Reply)

You get a click for services to punnery

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:11, Reply)

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:12, Reply)

How do you eat a dangerous cheese?
Caerphilly
(PsychoChomp, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:15, Reply)

I like this

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:16, Reply)

I wish monty were here to see/hate this thread

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:16, Reply)

What cheese makes a Yorkshireman happy?
Brie

(needs to be spoken in a Yorkshire accent)
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:16, Reply)

Can't; I'm too "home counties" to do a decent accent

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:17, Reply)

*cough*
be reet
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:19, Reply)

that's terrible!

(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:09, Reply)

You love it!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:10, Reply)

do not.

(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:15, Reply)

:'(

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:16, Reply)

Work
I had a massive win at work yeaterday. Saved the firm almost 50m dollars.

Alt: Mrs SYFTS in a nurses uniform in a Southend B & B.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:08, Reply)

Southend? I hope you took your own bedding

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:09, Reply)

Full body condom.
Went and saw Stuart Lee at the Cliffs. Decided to make a weekend of it. Never again!
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:10, Reply)

I swing between thinking that he is a genius and thinking that he is an arrogant self righteous bore

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:11, Reply)

I agree.
He was good this time. Not too preachy.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:14, Reply)

Have you seen his "vomiting into the gaping anus of Christ" bit?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:14, Reply)

Yes.
Fucking funny.

He did a bit about Al-Qaeda not being British terrorists like the IRA. Even though the IRA didn't want to be British. Big round of applause for the IRA etc.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:18, Reply)