OK. Bit of a sore point chez Davvers today but I am genuinely intrigued.
What was your worst teenage misdemeanour?

Did you get caught?
And what (if any) were the consequences?
Did you learn your lesson?

I thought I was a fairly normal teenage kid but the outrage expressed about mine and SJ's antics suggests not. As a parent myself I need to get a handle on this.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:03, 109 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I got caught smoking a bowl in the park near my school
Got a bollocking, but strangely enough, nothing else.

I also had a big party when I was fourteen and the house got a bit messed up. Got a bollocking.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:06, Reply)

I was a very boring teenager.
Shy, full of low self-esteem and nervousness..............however, I once planned on a small party with a few friends at my mum's agreement. For some reason it was cancelled a few days before but on the night around 30 or 40 people turned up, (this was before facebook etc), trying to get in. My mum was livid, even though I didn't know any of them.
( girlinthehole, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:07, Reply)

I never threw any house parties when I was a teenager
As I'd been to so many of them that had got out of hand. It just didn't seem worth the aggro.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:09, Reply)

^this
no way did I want the possibility of something going tits up in my parents' house
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:12, Reply)

Yeap.
I'd have spent the entire time fretting and asking people to moderate their behaviour. Coupled with the fact I'd have needed to spend the next day cleaning the place, I don't see what is in a house party for the teenage host.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:14, Reply)

banging chicks in your own bed
that's the only thing I can think of.

I was a fat cunt though, so didn't even have that to make me have a party
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:15, Reply)

I didn't even go to any parties when I was a teen.
My dad wouldn't let me, because he was a drug fueled maniac when I was a baby, he tried to keep me from all that. Because teens in rural virginia all smoke PCP.
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:22, Reply)

Do they still? Or have people moved onto meth etc.?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:50, Reply)

I once knew someone that snorted comet.
Trufax.
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:53, Reply)

This sounds like me
I would never have had the confidence as a kid to organise such a thing. Plus my dad was very strict and I would never have got away with it anyway.

Now I'm a dad myself I'm a lot more laid back than my dad was, but my kids know what they can and can't get away with. They're both very popular kids (11 and 13) but are also doing very well academically and are both very sporty. I'm not sure how that's happened to be honest but I think they know enough about drink, drugs, respect etc to know where the boundaries are.

Who knows what the future will bring though.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 31 May 2011, 15:18, Reply)

I've missed this Monters
Synopsis/linky please.

You speak DJ - if I were to tell you that I was at a very goth-orientated wedding on Saturday, and in the context of all the 80s synthpop thought I was well within my rights to ask for True Faith by New Order, and was told by the DJ "Erm probably got it somewhere for you mate, I'll play you some New Order anyway", what does this translate to?

Serious answer please. Not "New Order are fucking shit".
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:09, Reply)

See the last thread.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 31 May 2011, 15:10, Reply)

Or, succinctly put
my stepson has been a sneaky, lying little cunt with no sense of propriety over the weekend whist we were away.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 31 May 2011, 15:13, Reply)

Christ
Just caught up. I have no advice to offer better than your key removal plan I'm afraid sir. My condolences on this extremely disappointing turn of events.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:22, Reply)

he thought you were coming onto him

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:11, Reply)

Oh...
Well that explains EVERYTHING
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:17, Reply)

Yes, everything that has every happened in your life.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:17, Reply)

I thought so

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:21, Reply)

Yeah, it's one of those pivotal moments in time that the Doctor bangs on about

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:24, Reply)

It translates to
'Look I do this for a living. I didn't leave the house with no idea what I was going to play - I have A SET. If New Order is in it then I shall play it – I do not need the help of some drunken spasmo with a ludicrous barnet and sequined high-waisted trousers on asking me for requests like it’s a fucking 1980s roller disco. Why won’t he fuck off? My God! He looks just like that poofter off ‘The Weakest Link’ that I and all my mates were laughing at so much! I wonder if it’s him. Christ, New Order are so fucking shit.’
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:17, Reply)

No it doesn't
The correct answer is much shorter, simpler and less amusing. I can assure you the guy was no more a professional DJ than I am with my once-a-month metal night, and he was openly taking requests. Have another go.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:24, Reply)

oh, you have an actual answer?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:24, Reply)

Yes, the actual translation is
"I'm going to play Blue Monday, more people will dance to that".

Upon returning to my table I told Ms Foxtrot this, and then claimed to be psychic when Blue Monday started up two songs later. She was unimpressed.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:34, Reply)

that makes sense
if I'd known at the outset there was a real answer that is probably what I would've guessed.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:37, Reply)

Fair play to the guy
DJing is a numbers game, you look silly if no-one is dancing. This is where Monty chips in with how he DJed to educate, not entertain.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:38, Reply)

I'm surprised
I would much rather dance to True Faith than Blue Monday. I always thought Blue Monday was massively overated
(Bazongaloid, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:43, Reply)

I prefer True Faith as well
but Blue Monday is more instantly recognisable. To give you an example, which I'm sure you'll appreciate, I get asked for "Walk" by Pantera more than anything else, by far. Is it their best song? No.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:45, Reply)

No, they're asking you to 'walk' as in 'fuck off'.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:50, Reply)

You let me know when you say something funny
so I can be sure to laugh on queue
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:53, Reply)

I would always ask for "Fucking Hostile"
Or "Cowboys from Hell"
(Bazongaloid, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:54, Reply)

Abso-bloody-exactly
Excellent choices both. Not that Walk isn't a top tune.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:56, Reply)

Fucking Hostile is on my randomburn
I'm rather glad it's random, as I would have really fucking struggled to pick a Pantera track to put on there.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:57, Reply)

or "on cue" perhaps?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:56, Reply)

Nope
I'm assuming that Monty's consistent unfunny baiting is lulling us into a false sense of security, preparing for something so fucking hilarious that people will be queueing up for their chance to witness it.

Yes
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:57, Reply)

I'll stand aside and let you hold court with your trademark hilarious asides instead then.
In your own time.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:59, Reply)

No hurry.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:59, Reply)

That was a mite uncalled for
Apologies. Just having a shite day, more easily riled than usual.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 31 May 2011, 16:07, Reply)

I did wonder. I am sorry myself.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 16:11, Reply)

It's fine, I had no plans anyway.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 16:00, Reply)

I go home at six.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 16:00, Reply)

I'm going for a coffee. Back in a minute.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 16:01, Reply)

I think I might go to bed now.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 16:02, Reply)

*makes cocoa*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 16:05, Reply)

No one else is even trying.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:58, Reply)

Blue Monday is the closest thing to a non-shit record they have.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:38, Reply)

Orgy's version is far superior.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:39, Reply)

I was going to mention that

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:42, Reply)

I disagree
But only because I grew up with the original. If my maths serves me right you'd have been the perfect age to appreciate Orgy's cover when released. And it is a belter.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:42, Reply)

I am sure it is.
Not in itself much of an achievement.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:43, Reply)

OK
'Wow! A request for New Order from an openly-gay man! Quelle surprise! I'm going to really mess with his head now, by playing 'Fuck That Shit' by CombiChrist TWELVE TIMES IN A ROW!!!!!'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:31, Reply)

I'm not saying it's not normal behaviour for a 15 year old lad.
But it's certainly disrespectful given the leniency that we've shown him about stuff in the past. Maybe that's the problem. How far do you go with discipline? Too far on the hard side = child will probably rebel massively; too far down the laid back side = child will probably take the piss massively. I always thought we were somewhere in the middle.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 31 May 2011, 15:09, Reply)

We had somewhere in the middle and it did no good whatsoever.
The culture that surrounds the child is as important - if not more so - than how the parents deal with things. We were allowed drink (but not loads), we could have friends round (but no smoking, and no sex under 16), we were trusted with the house etc etc - but we still got high etc and it wasn't my parents' fault at all.

They were perfectly nice. It wasn't anything they could do anything about. I'm just telling you this so you don't beat yourself up about it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:12, Reply)

I agree with this.
my parents weren't restrictive at all, most of the bollockings we got were from worry more than anything.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:14, Reply)

it's a tricky one DG
must be disappointing to be in that position.

The lack of respect is the real bastard
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:13, Reply)

It is mate.
If your missus suddenly becomes all broody, despite her current viewpoint, do yourself a favour and sew her fanny shut.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 31 May 2011, 15:15, Reply)

will do

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:17, Reply)

Can you invite me to that as well please.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:20, Reply)

I'll see what I can do

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:25, Reply)

Awesome
You should probably invite CHCB and catface and mrs al too.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:29, Reply)

I don't want to invite Catface
the idea is to stop my mrs getting pregnant
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:34, Reply)

Good point
You should probably make a note on his wedding invitation that he has to come dressed entirely in latex rubber.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:36, Reply)

that's on every invitation

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:37, Reply)

I was going to say just that in the last thread but didn't feel as if I should.
When I was growing up the friends that had the most leniency were the ones that acted up the most, cracking the whip should definitely straighten him out.
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:17, Reply)

But depending on the child,
that may just make them secretive and sly. If you are hell bent on caning it, you're going to do it anyway.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:22, Reply)

truth

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:25, Reply)

That's the point though, right?
If he'd cleaned his fucking mess, they never would've known.
Only a total mug would've left it that way, he obviously thought they wouldn't care. He's wrong, and probably surprised.
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:25, Reply)

heh, good point
if nothing else, he needs to learn that if he's going to be a lying shit then he needs to hide it really fucking well.

Prisons are full of people who haven't learned this lesson.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:26, Reply)

Very much this.
Leaving the evidence lying around was a first mistake of Piston proportions.

I'm off to the quacks now to get the lump on my finger checked out.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 31 May 2011, 15:28, Reply)

I think you'll find it's called a wedding band.
Warning. They are very very expensive to remove.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:33, Reply)

But it my experience, worth every penny.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 31 May 2011, 15:37, Reply)

That is a good point.
My angle would be 'I'm punishing you for being so fucking dim'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:27, Reply)

I have lots to tell on this subject.
1. My parents went out for a Saturday when I was roughly 14. I thought I was on for losing my virginity so I invited my girlfriend round but was a bit nervous so I dealt with this by drinking three litres of Strongbow in about half an hour. I spewed up all over the hall, the stairs, the stairs up to my floor, my floor, my bed and my girlfriend. I did not get any sex. I told my parents I’d eaten too much chocolate (the spew was brown). About five years ago my mother said they didn’t believe it for a second.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:10, Reply)

Strongbow.
You deserve everything you get.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:12, Reply)

Quite.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:13, Reply)

It'll be interesting to see how liberal you are with your daughter
if/when she starts wearing makeup, staying out too late, and associating herself with undesirable types.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 31 May 2011, 15:32, Reply)

I would imagine that I shall be vocal in my disapproval
but soft as shite and a complete pushover in practice. There is some evidence of this already.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:34, Reply)

you got your words mixed up there
you are a practicing, soft, shite-pusher. For which there is evidence etc. etc.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:36, Reply)

I missed a GCSE exam due to misreading of the time table
got a thorough bollocking from the old man for that one, not as bad as the mental bollocking I gave myself.

Got home at gone 3am one New Years Eve, probably around the age of 16, to find my dad and brother in the car just about to come and look for me. I'd been out in a local town and the bus back was full, so I had to wait for another one. Got a huge bollocking for that too.

I've never been caught for any of the bad stuff.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:10, Reply)

I got caught smoking, twice.
Once at school once at home.
I didn't, since I'm still smoking.

I was a very very good kid.
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:12, Reply)

My mum used to let us smoke in my room as a teenager.
She said I would do it anyway outside so in my room was ok.
( girlinthehole, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:13, Reply)

I'd been sneaking them since I was 8. Not daily, but any time I went to my friends house.
And my gran died from lung cancer, so my dad was militant about it.
He still yells at me for it, and I'm 28.
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:15, Reply)

I was always well behaved at home
But I was very lazy at school, rarely doing homework, etc etc.

This meant that I didn't get the bollockings, I got far worse - 'I'm not mad at you son, I'm just disappointed.'

That cuts you to the bone. Bollockings were easy to shake off, but those words fucking hurt to hear.

However, I got a bollocking not long after turning 19, which was the final catalyst in me moving out. I'd been dragging my feet up to that point, but afterwards I just didn't want to be in that house.

Then again, I managed to avoid a bollocking aged 16 by being cheeky, and pointing out that while he'd banned my brothers from having house parties, he hadn't banned me. And as for all of the reasons he'd banned my brothers, I'd made sure none of them had happened again.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:15, Reply)

Oh yeah?
I bet Neil Buchanan shat in the goldfish bowl at one of your 'brother's' parties. Jimmy fucking Hill.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:52, Reply)

FART ATTACK!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:54, Reply)

All kids fuck up and make mistakes but this is more about respecting your parents things and earning trust of which would have been plentyful had he done as he was told.

( girlinthehole, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:16, Reply)

This.
there was evidence of someone having gone through the missus' drawers, as her diary was out, and it wasn't when we left.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 31 May 2011, 15:19, Reply)

Oh fucking hell.
Murder the little fuckstains.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:20, Reply)

^this

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:22, Reply)

That's really fucking rude.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:20, Reply)

We know which one it is likely to have been as well
because he does it every time. We can't stand the devious, shifty little pissant and have told SJ as much, yet he still invites him over.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 31 May 2011, 15:22, Reply)

Ban the little shit.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:24, Reply)

He's banned already.
SJ had asked yesterday afternoon if some mates could stay over that night, we said yes and then got home and saw the full extent of what had gone on when he went out for a bit. When they trooped back half an hour later he was told that his friends had to go home, and the reason why.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 31 May 2011, 15:26, Reply)

Don't blame you at all.
Any other privileges being revoked?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:39, Reply)

His "not being whipped in the balls with the buckle end of a belt" privelege is being taken away from tomorrow.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:40, Reply)

Get on the phone to the other parents.
That'll learn 'em all good.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:25, Reply)

My parents went away for about 10 days and I had a 3 day long house party, some people turned up in a limo at one point.
It took 4 days to clean up, someone did a poo on my parent's bed, but they only found out about a year later when it was no big deal.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:22, Reply)

That was me. Sorry about that.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:23, Reply)

4 of my friends who all went to the same school, they called up the next day saying they can't be in because they have food poisoning, "Yeah', dodgy prawns, really sorry"
Then in assembly the following week the head-of-year gave a talk about how food possening takes 24 hours to kick in while they were made to stand up.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:39, Reply)

Same school as eachother, not me.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:39, Reply)

That's not true re food poisoning though, from experience.
I had it terribly once and it kicked in about 7 or 8 hours later.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:46, Reply)

teacher in "talking shit" shocker

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:52, Reply)

It's normally within about 2 hours, if it's more than 24 hours it's unlikely to be food poisoning.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:53, Reply)

Fucking good bluffing from that teacher then eh?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 16:03, Reply)

They slept on a steaming turd for a year!!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:24, Reply)

When you say "someone"
do you really mean you? I mean, if you've had a three day binge, and the house is fucked up and you know it's going to be a bitch to clean, you're not losing anything by doing one extra thing wrong, and seriously, how often do you get the chance to shit on your parents bed.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:25, Reply)

I think I know who did it...
www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2T6YdEcp6w
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:29, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aplm-LSKaIk&feature=related
(Bazongaloid, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:32, Reply)

11/10 your best work possibly ever.
And you've been great lately.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:33, Reply)

Some of the regional variations on this advert are quite amusing.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 31 May 2011, 15:35, Reply)