I tire of that thread
Amuse me with tales of japery. What's the funniest thing you've seen in the last week?

Alt: what has left you feeling like Victor Meldrew at the back of a post office queue?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:35, 125 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

The funniest thing I've seen this week?
Errrmmm...I don't know. Top Gear, I guess. Most of the rest of this week has left me feeling like Victor Meldrew at the back of the post office queue.
I don't know which part of my answer is more sad, actually.
(berk, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:39, Reply)

It has been a bit of a cunty week all round, hasn't it?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:46, Reply)

Heh, tell me about it
*sighs*
(berk, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:51, Reply)

The look on Ms Foxtrot's face when I told her I'd accidentally walked in on her sister in the shower
Alt: the fucking weather. Torrential rain in Bournemouth, in July, on the one weekend we wanted it to be nice. And now the start of the first test has been delayed. Fuck. Off.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:40, Reply)

Oh actually, this
the bit about the rain, anyway. I'm so unbelievably fucking sick of it, it's untrue.
(berk, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:41, Reply)

It's untrue?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:43, Reply)

You and me both
Every morning this week I've got up fully intending to go for a run only to be greeted by rain. I'm actually going to get the treadmill out of the spare room tonight. I know!
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:46, Reply)

It's just so incredibly, soul-sappingly depressing
I hate being able to see my breath misting in the air when I cycle in to work, and I hate being sodden when I get there.
(berk, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:48, Reply)

*obvious joke about masturbating on a bicycle*
It really feels like summer's over already, doesn't it? I hate being British at this time of year
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:51, Reply)

there are some sunny bits
stop concentrating on the bad bits
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:53, Reply)

No there aren't
I haven't seen the sun for a full week. The only way to find solace in this weather is if you're a duck. Or a vampire.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:56, Reply)

countduckularlols

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:57, Reply)

It will be the same as every other year, hopefully
and be absolutely glorious in September. If this is the last of the sunshine for this summer then I may very well weep like an orphaned toddler.
(berk, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:54, Reply)

I hope it is glorious in September.
I have things to do.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:56, Reply)

It better be nice when we hit the pier.

( girlinthehole, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:58, Reply)

If it isn't, we can hit Jeff.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:59, Reply)

haha! Good idea.

( girlinthehole, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:00, Reply)

Same here
Going to London for a couple of weeks as Ms Foxtrot has decided that's what we're doing to celebrate her 30th. Musical theatre-tastic.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:58, Reply)

Make sure you treat her nicely (or more nicely than usual)
Turning thirty is a very traumatic time for a girl.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:01, Reply)

She seems spectacularly unfussed by it
Just regards it as an excuse for a big celebration. If she does get traumatised by it, I shall offer all the sympathy she gave me when I was fretting about my big 3-0, namely fuck all.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:03, Reply)

But you should be used to this by now
You've lived there for a long time, you should know it's always raining.

Here in Redhill and London we had a bit of a drizzle and that's about it (heavy rain at night, yes, but then I'm at home so I don't care). I'm so glad we moved down south.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:51, Reply)

'accidentally', eh?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:44, Reply)

Honestly, yes
But you wouldn't blame me if I'd planned it. I actually feel a bit wrong typing that, she is effectively my sister-in-law. Luckily I appear to be surrounded by deviants and miscreants.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:49, Reply)

Is she hot?
Hotter than her sister?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:51, Reply)

Yes and no in that order
You should see their other sister.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:52, Reply)

Funny, that.
I seem to be surrounded by cantankerous old gits.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:52, Reply)

Harsh
Aber's 30, she's not OLD
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:53, Reply)

It's only a short hop from 'cantankerous'
to 'alone and friendless' and 'dead for two weeks before anyone notices the smell'.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:55, Reply)

I think you've just forseen my future.

(berk, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:57, Reply)

I did that
Only one an ex's sister in the bath. Even though it was 15 years ago now, I think I probably still have a clearer image of her sister's naked body in my mind than I do or hers. it was probably burned in by shock, yes, that'll be it.

I'll be in my bunk.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:48, Reply)

bunk rent boy
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:53, Reply)

Alright, Jayne?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:58, Reply)

Phhoaar see any minge?

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:53, Reply)

She saw a tit.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:57, Reply)

I wonder if she knows that he wears her soiled frillies

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:03, Reply)

I can't tell you because it's rude.
But the second funniest thing I saw this week was the gayest looking guy I've seen in a long time.

Knee length fitted shorts, tank top, full tan, make up and shades.

Alt: my step-dad is in a bad mood and it doesn't seem to be changing anytime soon. I have to tell him I'm booking two Mondays off in a row soon.
( girlinthehole, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:41, Reply)

I didn't know you'd been to Norwich this week.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:42, Reply)

London innit.

( girlinthehole, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:43, Reply)

The gayest man I've ever seen was in Naples
He was wearing extremely tight red trousers, a billowy blouse, sunnies, long hair, and a handbag.

And yes, it was a bloke. He had a full face tache and goatee combo.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:48, Reply)

Hang about
You mean getting a tan will make me look MORE gay?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:43, Reply)

Alt: life

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:42, Reply)

don't talk to me about life

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:43, Reply)

Do you have this terrible pain in all the diodes down your left side?

(berk, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:46, Reply)

haha!

( girlinthehole, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:47, Reply)

:)

(PsychoChomp, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:49, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=zC3Tu7zmcPs
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:50, Reply)

I rewatched Tangled the other day
That film is fucking superb.

Alt: The fact that I have to tell my friend to pick me up from down the road, rather than outside work, as my boss is so paranoid about him spying on us, it's simply not worth the shitstorm.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:42, Reply)

My daughter loves that film.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:42, Reply)

Have you seen it?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:44, Reply)

I have after Noel told me to.
It's pretty amazing.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:47, Reply)

Maximus is an awesome character, despite him being a horse.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:01, Reply)

He reminds me of Melman (spelling?) from Madagascgar

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:07, Reply)

no

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:29, Reply)

My daughter also loves it
I have pointed out to her how fucking shit it is and how filthy and knotted and fucking heavy her hair would be but she won't listen.
( Peej, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:55, Reply)

Parental love, right there!
*I thought that too*
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:57, Reply)

I loved it
Even Mark liked it, despite watching it in Spanish.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:31, Reply)

The look on my guinea pig's face while the vet had a rummage round for his nuts
which I suppose makes me a bastard

alt: eating too many biscuits and feeling sick and not being able to sleep
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:42, Reply)

also funny (if I'm being a bastard)
I heard my ex-husband lost his job!
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:45, Reply)

Schadenfreude high fives

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:53, Reply)

*fives*

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:55, Reply)

I'm going to see my ex-boyfriend at a wedding in 3 weekends
We were in good terms, until he started ignoring my emails and I had to find out through another friend that he was getting married. Didn't even answer to my "Congratulations" email.

Now, for some reason, I feel I have to be the most stunning woman at the party. Which is impossible sporting a 6 month baby belly. I know I'll grow out of it and everything will be fine, but it confuses me that I feel like I have to prove something to him at all.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:31, Reply)

You're going to look stunning *because* of the baby belly.
That and the husband, and the happiness. Living well is the best revenge.

But make sure you wear a flattering colour and have your hair did too ;-)
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:33, Reply)

Oh, yes
I'm going for a full hair dresser & beautician session before the party! I'm thinking about wearing red, but it might be a bit too much.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:51, Reply)

Liam running around at his Grandparent's house jumping like a maniac into puddles in his wellies
Alt:
A fucked PC and iPhone on return to work today
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:43, Reply)

What's wrong with the iPhone?
Won't pretend to have the first fucking clue about a fucked PC
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:47, Reply)

iTunes update + iPhone software update + no space = goosed
Fixed now
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:51, Reply)

Excellent use of "goosed"

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:57, Reply)

It is common terminology in our office

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:07, Reply)

If someone loses their rag and whacks their monitor or keyboard,
are they known to be doing a Joey?

(Barton)
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:10, Reply)

It is either "love it" or "smash it"
at the moment in here
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:16, Reply)

I believe that in Scouse slang the two are readily interchangeable

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:17, Reply)

Not seen anything funny this week I don't think.
Alt: not much of this either, I'm actually in quite a good mood despite this week being dull and grey, I'm just lacking much to be in a good mood about.

/boring non-answer
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:45, Reply)

I had to google Victor Meldrew.
Funniest thing was my friend telling me about her academic misconduct for writing "FUCK" on three out of four exam papers.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:46, Reply)

Yesterday, on the train, very funny
this fat man was sat on the aile seat, and a woman ask him to move so she could sit on the empty seat next to the window. He standed up muttering something about why he had to sit on the aisle. For some reason, he bended over to pick something. Now, he was dressing smart clothes, but as if he'd been running for hours. His shirt was out of his trousers. His belt was too loosen and his trousers were far too low. And it seems he wasn't wearing any underwear either. He put all his fat naked ass on the face of the commuter sitting in front of me, who was reading his newspaper and didn't realize until it was too late. The face he made was really, really funny.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:48, Reply)

This has made me laugh like a mong.
I love you.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:50, Reply)

I thought it'd made some of you laugh
I had to stop myself on the train. It was funny and disgusting at the same time.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:53, Reply)

it always is...

(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:54, Reply)

I usually feel too sorry for the unfortunate
to find it funny. But his face was priceless.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:56, Reply)

I rang you last night.

( girlinthehole, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:52, Reply)

Yes, sorry
The train was very late (another train broke in front of ours) so when you rang we were in the middle of rushing to do all the cooking and shopping and stuff. By the time we finished it was already 10 and I thought it'd be too late to call you. It's going to be busy today (another eve of moving out of Worthing) so I think I better call you at the weekend.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:54, Reply)

Ok hon : )

( girlinthehole, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:56, Reply)

it could only be better if he farted

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:53, Reply)

I don't think he did
but he had a sweaty bottom. Very.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:55, Reply)

bleaugh!

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:55, Reply)

alt: I got up early this morning especially to get everything done in plenty of time
made sandwiches, put them in the fridge, performed my ablutions, dressed, grabbed my bag and left.

Got most of the way to work and remembered the sandwiches. :(
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:52, Reply)

fule!
It'll be sandwiches for tea tonight then...
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:54, Reply)

toasties
always toast forgotten sandwiches

"to forgotten sandwiches!"
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:55, Reply)

This made me laugh far too hard

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:01, Reply)

yay
at my wedding I toasted Blackbeard. Come to think of it I don't think I toasted the idiot husband, but I think I got it the right way round, in hindsight
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:06, Reply)

Have this fabulous mental image of you forcing Blackbeard into a gigantic sandwich toaster as your wedding guests look on, bemused

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:17, Reply)

1st click

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:03, Reply)

My keema from last night will do for Friday lunch then
it's going to be an all-sandwich day, looks like.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:06, Reply)

my nephew potty training and pissing all over the fridge door.
alt:my nephew potty training and pissing all over the fridge door.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:54, Reply)

was it your fridge door?
This is important in deciding which category this story falls into.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:58, Reply)

my brothers so it was funny and gross.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:01, Reply)

I saw a little girl get her fingers trapped in a car door

( Peej, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:54, Reply)

How hard did you slam it?

( girlinthehole, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:57, Reply)

Not hard enough it seems

( Peej, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 10:58, Reply)

Bugger
India have won the toss and will bowl first. Strauss is in poor form against left-handers and Zaheer Kahn has cloud cover under which to swing the ball. Hope Trott's in good nick.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:04, Reply)

Sorry google translate doesn't work on gay slang, you'll have to stick to English.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:09, Reply)

This is one of the few times
when I've clicked "I like this" in one of your posts. OK, I hadn't read your name before clicking and now I can't unclick, so I have to admitt that it was funny.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:24, Reply)

Haha!
Thing that has tickled me this week is a player who scored against Spurs earlier on in the week - called Happy Jele!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:06, Reply)

I don't think we're ready

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:49, Reply)

This is funny
www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsaXzP4V1r8
You need sound though.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:07, Reply)

we are now living so far in the future
that the space shuttle is in the past :(
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:15, Reply)

So where is my hovercar then?

( girlinthehole, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:22, Reply)

Have I related the story of a lecture I did about
the digital media revolution that ended with me ranting loudly and jabbing at the computer almost shouting:

"...You wanted the future to give you rocket cars?! THIS IS YOUR ROCKET CAR!"

The students just stared at me as tumbleweed blew past
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:26, Reply)

If you have I haven't heard it, but would like to
assuming that wasn't it of course.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:29, Reply)

oh.

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:29, Reply)

was that the story then?
I think the problem is that your students are too young to get the rocket/hover car reference, it would have worked on people our age.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:38, Reply)

yeah, that was pretty much it
sometimes, for me, the idea of a lecture and a rant blur into one.
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:41, Reply)

*Claps politely*
...if not a little awkwardly as I look around to see no one else joining in.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:32, Reply)

Hmm funny? Not much...
So I'll start with the alt: whilst dropping my son off at school this morning for his last day in reception my (retired) boss phoned me up to have a go at me for not being here, despite the fact that my (not retired) boss had given me permission to do this. Followed by my wife phoning me when I arrived at work to have a go at me too.

As for funnies - a little stoned the other night, I stumbled across an old episode of South Park that made me giggle a lot when they decided that the best person to build a wall around the town would be the guy from the Chinese takeaway.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:23, Reply)

Why does your ex-boss
or your boss have your phone number? That was your first mistake.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:26, Reply)

It is a useful way for them to be able to contact me.
Unfortunately it is open to abuse.
On the plus side, the postman has just brought me two new LPs and tonight I shall be dining on some fine South Indian cuisine, so things are looking up.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:30, Reply)

If it's your personal phone
you don't have to give them your number.

Indian food is always good. But not to spicy for me, please.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:33, Reply)

Of course you do

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:33, Reply)

I'm so glad I don't work for you Rory.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:39, Reply)

YOUR LOSS
I'd enjoy workplace bullying you into a nervous breakdown
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:47, Reply)

My work have my mobile but not my home phone
and I can see who's calling and decide whether "it was turned off" or not.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:41, Reply)

Nobody swallows that one, if you claim to be too stupid to return a missed call to your workplace then your cards are well and truly marked

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:48, Reply)

It is not uncommon
for an employer to want your contact details.

This particular Indian food is not 'good', it is amaaaaazing. In fact, were we not both male, married and straight I think I would ask the chef to marry me. It'd never work though, the cultural differences are too great.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:39, Reply)

My friend slapping his mum's arse
Alt: Finding my phone in a pool of drink, thinking I'd fixed and dried it out, then making a call and realising the mouthpiece was fucked and nobody could hear me.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:44, Reply)

Sorry, what did you say?
Speak up
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:46, Reply)

Exactly
*sadface*
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:47, Reply)