What do you think about the police?
In the last month or so I have had three separate reasons to speak to the police:

They refused to come out when a mentally ill neighbour (who has subsequently been sectioned for 3 months) was wandering naked in the street.

They sent 8 officers and a van out on a Saturday night for someone getting bitten by a dog.

Had a knock on the door from a policeman last night. A flat 4 doors down had been burgled. Had we heard anything? We live in London where the noise of alarms is pretty constant FFS.

Anyone making crap jokes about the 80's band named The Police will be punched in the face.

Alt: How would you like your remains to be dealt with when you die?
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:25, 141 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Police are great and do a good job by and large.
Except for the ones that think they wear the crown on their head rather than the uniform.

Alt: Commercial freezer in Misrata everytime.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:27, Reply)

I've never had a real problem with the Police
One was a bit arsey with me at first, but changed his tune in a hurry when it became clear I wasn't trying to defraud anyone.

Whilst I'm aware that many people have dealt with wanker policemen, I'd place bets that they've dealt with arseholes in other industries too. I'm of the opinion that no matter what your job is, if you're a knob, you're a knob.

Alt: Buried.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:29, Reply)

Same as everything, some good police some bad.
Necessary to have a police force though, just wish it wasnt.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:29, Reply)

I'm relieved that the UK police aren't armed, given the average IQ of a police officer.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:32, Reply)

Sting is called Sting
because he wore yellow & black striped jumpers to band practise
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:34, Reply)

Fuck off.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:36, Reply)

BULLIES!
TOGETHER WE CAN STAMP OUT GAYCISM IN FOOTBALL
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:37, Reply)

Did he sleep with you mum?

(PsychoChomp, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:37, Reply)

yes he did, son
I'm still sore
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:38, Reply)

I like the police but I couldn't eat a whole one.
Meh! necessary evil innit.

Cremated in a wicker coffin outside, lit by the love of my life who is so overcome with grief he flings himself on the pyre.
( girlinthehole, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:37, Reply)

Not a dramatic exit at all then?
Alright Blousie?
( wanderlust, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:41, Reply)

Alright petal!
How is work? Started the new job yet?

A dramatic end to an undramatic life I think.
( girlinthehole, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:41, Reply)

The new job is alright.
Most of the staff are nice enough and it's less evening work, but more weekend work. I found out the restaurant manager quit at my old place though which I'm a bit gutted about, but at least I know I'll be getting paid on time here.

The best lives are the undramatic ones, who wants a life like Eastenders?
( wanderlust, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:47, Reply)

I'm glad it's going well and yes, getting paid on time is a great incentive.
I used to have a job where we were never sure when we would be paid half the time. Bloody annoying when you have direct debits going out.
( girlinthehole, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:50, Reply)

I'm sure Barry quite enjoys his life!
Too much drugs and drama for my liking though.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:52, Reply)

when someone tried to burgle our house, the police came round to take a statement.
The policeman kept being really familiar, like 'and how would you describe him, Dave? How tall was he Dave?' and then to me 'did you get a good look at what he was wearing, Diane?' I am not called Diane, and my boyfriend is not called Dave. I did not have high hopes for him catching the suspect.


Alt: cremated, ashes in the sea
(DeeDee, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:40, Reply)

I hate it when people are overly familiar like that. I have been known to tell them that I had not told them they may call me by my first name.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:42, Reply)

Correct.
Worse still is the unauthorised abbreviation of a name. So fucking presumptious.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:23, Reply)

He was HAL
AICLIAMMYFIVEPOUNDSOFLARDBECUSEI@MAFATTY
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:45, Reply)

That @ is a very Rory thing to do btw.
I think you're actually Rory.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:06, Reply)

Ooo! well spotted.
I was thinking Rory or Baldmonkey when he's been at the diazipam.
( girlinthehole, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:08, Reply)

I thought this too
The joke was good though
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:11, Reply)

L@L

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:14, Reply)

L@L@L

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:18, Reply)

H@L@L

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:32, Reply)

They are a wholly necessary service, their existence underpins the stability of post industrial revolution civil society.
Just because a minority sometimes come across as harsh doesn't mean they arent nearly all nice, good people.
*Waits for Wolfie Smith to come and suggest they are evil tools of the corporate state*
(Glucose-Maximus All over the world., Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:47, Reply)

Thank you Freefair.

( girlinthehole, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:52, Reply)

FF's way too young to have heard of Wolfie Smith, surely?
The lucky cunt.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:04, Reply)

Tooting certainly does not deserve freedom.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:07, Reply)

It should be freed from the shackles of existence.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:21, Reply)

Fairly sure he and or I have made this joke before.
I think ti was in my sig for a while too.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:08, Reply)

Jesus, you could not be doing a worse job of pretending not to be FreeFair/ToryBoy if you tried.
And no way am I arguing with you on this one, you are ill equiped you little turd.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:02, Reply)

100% Pillock

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:08, Reply)

My sister left a very well-paid and extremely cushy civil service job to join the police.
To do this she took a hefty pay cut and had to spend at least a year as a beat copper, dealing with drunks pissing in doorways at 3am etc. It is a fucking awful job and a) I’d never do it in a million fucking years and b) hats off to those that do. The hours are horrendous, it is by and large thankless work and you have to deal with literally the worst people in society all the time. They are nowhere near as corrupt in this country as in others, despite the bullshit claims of well-meaning but ultimately stupid middle class outraged student types.

BUT.

They are frequently total cunts. Of the police I have encountered the majority have been officious, petty-minded little Hitlers (not a compliment in this instance), sadly. It seems that the job appeals to small-minded bullies as well as do-gooding altruists. Someone told me once in jest that in Ireland the police there are always the youngest of seven brothers – this rang true with me. The bullied little boy whom no-one listened to, taking his revenge on the world…

Lusty’s father is ex Old Bill and he’s a fantastic chap, but he ended up rather disillusioned by the job and I’ll bet my sister ends up feeling this way too. I fear the goods ones are in a minority and the bureaucracy is unbelievable.

Alt: couldn't give a shit - I'd be happy to be turned into dog food, that would at least have a purpose.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:57, Reply)

Turn you into a nice dry meat.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:07, Reply)

mMMMmmmmMMmmm

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:08, Reply)

...eat

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:09, Reply)

There was a bloke booting my door down and I dialled 999.

When I moaned that there was STILL a man kicking my door, the woman at the control room said "Well it IS Friday night!"
I rang back a few times but they never came and even he got bored and wandered off.
As he wandered off we pissed ourselves laughing because it turns out he was just an old tramp. An old tramp with a strong foot.

Why do all the drunken cunts and slags in Town get lots of police attention on a Friday night but me sitting in my house shitting myself doesn't deserve protection? Meh. That's one rant. Sometimes they're very good too.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:00, Reply)

Will you ever shut up about your bloody IBS?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:01, Reply)

Shit stories FTW

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:05, Reply)

NFL
Normal for Liverpool.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:06, Reply)

Bloody grief athletes.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:17, Reply)

What's that got to do with my post?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 12:25, Reply)

All my interactions with the police have been pretty reasonable actually
I've been searched twice, both in understandable circumstances, and had them come to check I hadn't kidnapped some one at 3 AM once. I have some objections to them in pricipal as an institution, but my experience has been broadly positive.

This may be because I am a well educated and well spoken white male.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:07, Reply)

Or it could be that you met police who were doing their job well

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:10, Reply)

This too.
it was only a supposition. I suspect the fact that I was helpful, chatty and non-abusive helped also. Well except for the 3AM one, but I was polite even then if rather groggy/ groutchy.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:20, Reply)

I once ended up in a very odd argument with a copper on leaving a local nightclub
Wandered outside with a mate and spotted the old greasy burger van.

"Mmm, hotdog" shouts sportscow and hurtles over to fill his fat face full of cat offcuts with tomato sauce when plod gets out of an unmarked car parked nearby and asked what I've just said. "Mmm, hotdog" says I. "No, you didn't, you said pig" says Inspector Gadget.

In the end, the owner of the hotdog van had to vouch for the fact that I was merely going to be a customer of his that evening before the copper would let it drop. FUCKING PIG!

Alt:
Couldn't give a shit. Harvest whatever organs are still working (few I'm thinking) then bin the rest. I will be dead so I dont give a fuck
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:09, Reply)

The direct experiences with police I've had
have mostly been negative, from them failing to follow up on a clear cut case of my brother being beaten up in the middle of a high street, to their utter lacksadaisal approach to our house being robbed, and stones being thrown at the front windows, with one policeman going so far as to say 'well if you choose to live in a house like this, then you're bringing it on yourself really' thus proving he was probably related to the little cunts that did it.

As an institution although there are problems I'm fairly content with them as a whole.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:13, Reply)

Do you live in a glass house?

( girlinthehole, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:15, Reply)

Yeah, that's why her melons are so awesome.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:16, Reply)

hahaha!
People who live in greenhouses shouldn't wear bras
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:17, Reply)

^ £100 says this will not be bettered today

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:19, Reply)

£100 of your money? Let's not be silly now Monty, you know you don't have that much.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:20, Reply)

it's irrelevant.
I believe 'my' 'money' to be safe. It was very funny indeed.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:29, Reply)

Haha!
Nah this was when we lived upnorthish, and had the cheek to buy the old village manor house which apparently according to the thoroughly inbred locals made us demons.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:16, Reply)

I worked with a fellow
whose parents committed the same outrage in Wales. Their house was burnt down by jealous Taffys.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:18, Reply)

Taffies?
Bloody Welsh. No better than beast of the field.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:20, Reply)

Except at Rugby
At which they are significantly better than the English
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:26, Reply)

I'm pretty sure that come the 6 nations
this may well not prove to be the case. They aren't significantly different from the side we comfortably beat in Cardiff earlier this year.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:31, Reply)

Depends whether a) Johnson goes and b) a decent captain is chosen to replace Mad Dog
Besides, even if it's not that the Welsh are better at Rugby per se, just better at raising their game come the major tournaments, I think they'll settle for that
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:36, Reply)

The whole team needs a clear out.
It's sad that our best player was nearly deported because of Visa problems last year.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:37, Reply)

We got off lightly then
the irony that the locals completely failed to appreciate was that the price of a nice detached five bed in Surrey, was more than adequete to cover the house costs given the location and being surrounded by inbreds
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:21, Reply)

"Bloody poshos, comin' oop 'ere with their lah-di-dah indoor lavvehs"

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:23, Reply)

after they let me off for speeding so badly on sunday
i'm still a bit grateful to them.

but as i said yesterday, there would not have been two screeching police cars stuffed with about 4 policemen each if someone had been vandalising or nicking my car, i'm quite sure of that.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:17, Reply)

I've never had cause to think the police do a bad job
unlike the useless cunts who operate what purports to be a bus service in these parts.

I doubt very much that the daily responsibilities of my local plod is all that similar to those round your way, though.

Alt: Head stuffed and mounted on the wall in flagrant contradiction of Ms Foxtrot's beliefs on the killing of animals and hunting in particular.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:17, Reply)

"So, Mrs Brady, we have come to investigate your reported Darkie sighting."

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:19, Reply)

That would never happen
Norfolk is to multiculturalism as Derbyshire is to civilisation
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:23, Reply)

Alt: I have already requested that my wife has me stuffed and seated on the end of the sofa.
She must NEVA 4GET me.
I don't mind her marrying again, as long as they keep me there as a reminder.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:19, Reply)

they could have a 3some with your cold stiff corpse

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:20, Reply)

Her new husband
could bend her over you while he fucks her expertly.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:21, Reply)

Her new husband could use your stuffed corpse to store doughnuts on

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 12:10, Reply)

2 at a push

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 12:10, Reply)

He'd have to jam them on

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 12:23, Reply)

These are all excellent suggestions
I shall pass them on to her.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:22, Reply)

Alt:
Whatever gives most comfort to those I leave behind. If they don't care, cremated and scattered, or whatever's cheapest and least silly.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:27, Reply)

I want to be buried at sea. Corpse. Not ashes.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:28, Reply)

I propose we hang you out in the garden and allow the birds to peck at you.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:30, Reply)

Won't bother me none.
Might annoy any surviving relatives.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:34, Reply)

Cremated and sold to Keith Richards as nose fodder?

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:47, Reply)

I should perhaps clarify that
by "those I leave behind" I mean family and loved ones, not the world as a whole. the world as a whole can fucking do one.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:56, Reply)

I think I want my last words to be "You know what? You stay here and _I'll_ fuck off".

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:59, Reply)

I like this.
I may scream it as I trigger the explosives
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 25 Oct 2011, 12:00, Reply)

You belong to b3ta now
We shall decide your fate.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 12:02, Reply)

Yes dear.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 25 Oct 2011, 12:06, Reply)