New thread for the nine o'clockers.
The X Factor dropped four million viewers from last year's final. Sweet! Hopefully that'll mean the death of the damned thing. With Big Brother on Channel... erm... and Shipwrecked falling on its arse, what's the future for reality teevee? Pitch your idea.
(NoeI «:::P:::» «:::E:::» «:::R:::» «:::V:::» «:::E:::», Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:21, 102 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

For me, not all reality TV is tosh
Those are, as is Come Dine With Me, etc. But things like The Secret Millionaire, and The Choir are excellent.

However, I'd arrange all previous ugly reality TV winners (basically, pretty much everyone except for Kate Lawler) to come together for an awards ceremony, then demolish the building with them locked inside.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:25, Reply)

For me, reality TV has no future.
I don't own a TV.

*eats croissant smugly*
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:27, Reply)

What's all your furniture pointed at?
/Joey
(NoeI «:::P:::» «:::E:::» «:::R:::» «:::V:::» «:::E:::», Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:31, Reply)

I do have a remote-control 84" projector screen on one wall...
... with an lcd projector on the opposite wall - for showing movies via the PC.
As to the furniture, it's arranged for convenience and sitting on while playing guitar.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:36, Reply)

I would love to get rid of our TV, but the Mrs won't let me.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:38, Reply)

I have a great G/F
But we don't live together. I don't want a tv so I don't have one!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:48, Reply)

I'm coming round to yours for Christmas

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:48, Reply)

I don't really understand why people have such a problem with the X Factor
I mean, it's clearly shit, it's lowest common denominator tosh. But if people want to watch it, let them. It's easy enough not to watch if you don't want to. I haven't seen a single episode of X Factor, Strictly or I'm a Celeb this year and it's not like I've had to try hard to avoid it.

And given that my vastly curtailed social life means I'm now in on Friday and Saturday nights, if I can avoid it, anyone can. There's plenty of great TV out there as it is, and with Sky+ and Box Sets there's no real excuse for finding yourself watching X-Factor unless you truly want to.


Edit: I lie, I just remembered I voluntarily watched one episode of "I'm a Celebrity" before remembering why I don't watch it.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:44, Reply)

OK, even I think I sound like a cunt this time.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:45, Reply)

Hahaha
I'm a Celebrity is my guilty pleasure.
(NoeI «:::P:::» «:::E:::» «:::R:::» «:::V:::» «:::E:::», Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:46, Reply)

Sky Plus has changed my TV viewing habits for the considerably better

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:46, Reply)

I don't have a problem with it per se, but from up here on my pedestal it does drive a dividing line between the quality of brain in someone's skull.

(NoeI «:::P:::» «:::E:::» «:::R:::» «:::V:::» «:::E:::», Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:46, Reply)

It's actually a good barometer of whether you will get along with someone I find.
If early in a conversation they start asking you about the X Factor, it saves time learning you have nothing in common further down the line.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:47, Reply)

I'd love to think that were true, but one of my very bestest and most intelligent and eloquent friends watches it and blows that entire theory out of the water.

(NoeI «:::P:::» «:::E:::» «:::R:::» «:::V:::» «:::E:::», Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:49, Reply)

I must admit I am not convinced the theory holds up when it's properly tested.
Sounds good though, doesn't it?
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:51, Reply)

I'm completely meh about it
Mrs Cow watches X Factor/Strictly and all that kind of stuff. Bubblegum TV innit? The kids like Strictly which normally ends up with us wlatzing around the living room with them. Good fun!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:48, Reply)

Oh god you massive gay.

(NoeI «:::P:::» «:::E:::» «:::R:::» «:::V:::» «:::E:::», Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:50, Reply)

It's worse than that - he's giving his kids gay too.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:54, Reply)

Speaking of which, where is Darth?

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:55, Reply)

I caught one routine on Strictly recently, and in fairness, it was clearly very good dancing.
Still, boring as fuck, and not a good time for the remote's batteries to die.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:47, Reply)

Your first point is correct.
I live in blissful ignorance of most popular culture.
However I must disagree with your point about there being plenty of great TV out there. I have yet to find this. Fortunately for me I am still able to drink.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:47, Reply)

You are WRONG.
For this very moment I am downloading Ewoks: The Battle for Endor.
(NoeI «:::P:::» «:::E:::» «:::R:::» «:::V:::» «:::E:::», Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:48, Reply)

Midget = job for life.
I have no interest in your nerd programmes though.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:50, Reply)

Well, each to their own,
But off the top of my head there's Walking Dead, Fringe, Chuck, Rev, QI, Frozen Planet, Dr Who, Being Human, It's Always Sunny In Philedelphia, countless great documentaries about obscure subjects on BBC4 or More4.

It does obviously depend on what your tastes are though, I accept.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:50, Reply)

Chuck is excellent
As is HIMYM, Castle, Bones, Dexter, etc.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:51, Reply)

Oh, we were getting on so well until you said 'HIMYM'.
But you have reminded me that I could have added Big Bang Theory to the list.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:54, Reply)

I prefer HIMYM to Big Bang Theory

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:56, Reply)

I said before I'll never criticise anyone for what they find funny unless it's JiM Davidson.
But by God Almighty, you are testing that...
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:57, Reply)

I'm also a fan of Ross Noble

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:01, Reply)

There are people that don't like Ross Noble?
Wow, it really does take all sorts, doesn't it?
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:07, Reply)

Aye, my brother being one of them
He prefers Russell Brand and Ricky Gervais. We don't talk much.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:19, Reply)

It's true that I am something of a miserable old cunt.
Perhaps that clouds my ability to enjoy these things...
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:53, Reply)

you minght sound like a cunt but you're spot on.
Although it's the message that is signalled to society in general that worries me, that being famous is the solution to everything.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:49, Reply)

I would like to see the reality tv application become a self-selection process for mass euthanasia.
All applicants would be told they had been successful and to turn up at a given address where they would be humanely (or inhumanely, depending on my mood) killed. This could be filmed and broadcast on ITV as its final programme before being shut down forever.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:45, Reply)

Shoot a nonce in the face.
Sponsored by the Daily Mail.

Immigrant Factor. The chance to win full citizenship. Who's going to be a Brit? YOU DECIDE.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:46, Reply)

I like the cut of your jib.

(NoeI «:::P:::» «:::E:::» «:::R:::» «:::V:::» «:::E:::», Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:47, Reply)

*glomps*

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:50, Reply)

woohoo! a good old-fashioned glomping!

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:50, Reply)

The glomp rarely gets a run out these days.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:51, Reply)

not enough bumming either.
*bums*
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:54, Reply)

*spots it*
I KNEW IT
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:55, Reply)

It's not that kind of bumming.
you weren't there, man. You don't KNOW.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:56, Reply)

i think it's good that you've finally come out
it must have been hard, but now you've let it slip...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:58, Reply)

Right into his bumcrack etc etc

(NoeI «:::P:::» «:::E:::» «:::R:::» «:::V:::» «:::E:::», Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:02, Reply)

he knows exactly what i'm talking about
and so, it would seem, do you.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:03, Reply)

I am wise in the ways of the knobgoblin.

(NoeI «:::P:::» «:::E:::» «:::R:::» «:::V:::» «:::E:::», Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:05, Reply)

knob-gobbling, surely

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:22, Reply)

it's a slippery slope, certainly.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:04, Reply)

i'm not sure how slippery a gay slope would be
maybe that's why they call it "uphill" gardening?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:18, Reply)

You don't need to explain squat to her the MB, she's having a meme fail.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:58, Reply)

more of a meme stamp really
the MB meme is gay gives me some pink fluffy pleasure in an otherwise grey tuesday morning
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:00, Reply)

the second is a winner.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:48, Reply)

There's a bit in running man where they show ads for reality game shows.
That's the future.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:50, Reply)

A new reality show: Kill the online twat.
Teams of B3tans in high performance armed vehicles travel around against the clock trying to find Bert, Adam, Wormulus and Bobby and killing them.

Team member to have one special power that can be used in the chase – Gonz can fling his bowel contents, Monty can force people to get pissed on brandy, Darth can bum them in to submission, etc.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:48, Reply)

and I can always be right.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:49, Reply)

Just like Zog
eh history fans
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:04, Reply)

they aren't necessarily the 4 that i would target first
i think it should be more of an open target.

can i shoot lasers out of my eyes? and then charge them £500 an hour?

or if it has to be real, i'll just wear my manolos with the flick knives concealed in the stilettos.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:55, Reply)

Manolos are so last year.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:56, Reply)

you should join in the bumming above, look

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:57, Reply)

I'm just saying this season it's all about Nicole Farhi.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:01, Reply)

you should join in the bumming above, LOOK

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:03, Reply)

There is nothing wrong with being into clothes, regardless of whether I like bumming or not.
Much rather that than walk round in a fleece top and stone washed jeans. As in much rather the liking clothes bit, not bumming.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:07, Reply)

That wouldn't work.
Think about that for a moment, how would the knives actually work? Would it not be best to have them concealed in the toe?
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:57, Reply)

i was just thinking of throwing them
with deadly accuracy, and not at all like a girl
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:59, Reply)

Swipe is Rosa Kleb AICMFP

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:06, Reply)

+ disbs

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:10, Reply)

I actually didn't mind X Factor this year.
I only watched the results shows because I loved seeing peoples' dreams being shattered.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:53, Reply)

X Factor boils my piss.
It's glorified karaoke designed to line the pockets of Cowell and Walsh. When Cowell called last years campaign to keep X Factor from the Christmas no. 1 spot a cynical ploy, my immediate reaction was "Yeah, and ending a national singing competition two weeks before Christmas so that everyone will rush out and buy the winner's crappy single isn't?"
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:53, Reply)

Exactly this.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:16, Reply)

i loathe reality tv, it's cheap, lazy and easy (no, nothing like me, before you say it)
meanwhile we have all the amazingly talented writers and actors and directors etc etc who can't get jobs.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:57, Reply)

I went to a housewarming a few weeks ago
where several of the guests insisted that we watch X Factor and I'm a Celebrity...
I'd rather have had my teeth extracted one by one with rusty pliers and no anaesthetic than sit through that abysmal shite again. I begged them to let me go out and fetch the pizza but they told me not to worry, we'd get it delivered.
No, really, you don't understand. I want to go out and get the pizza. Even if it means trekking through arse deep lava, I'd rather go out and fetch the pizza.
(berk, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:00, Reply)

Simple answer:
Massive spliff.
(NoeI «:::P:::» «:::E:::» «:::R:::» «:::V:::» «:::E:::», Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:01, Reply)

Wasn't that kind of party sadly
I had to spend two hours sulking in the kitchen. That's hard in a small, open plan, one bedroom flat.
(berk, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:05, Reply)

Damn, I'd have ended up moving the entire contents of their cupboards around or something, that sounds shite.

(NoeI «:::P:::» «:::E:::» «:::R:::» «:::V:::» «:::E:::», Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:06, Reply)

Given that I had helped them unpack and organise their kitchen
that would have been really rather redundant...
(berk, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:08, Reply)

I find this to be a great solution to most things.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:12, Reply)

That would piss me off actually.
If people want to have 'X Factor Parties', that's fine by me, and I'll politely decline the invitation, but don't invite me round then ambush me with it.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:02, Reply)

I'd have just left.
With the pizza of course.
( girlinthehole, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:02, Reply)

It's alright
kitchen sulking meant I was closest the ice cream.
(berk, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:08, Reply)

I would organise a massive Reality TV Spectaucular
I'd recruit as many ex-contestants as possible from all the different shows, especially the celebrity ones, gather them all together a large venue, perhaps a football stadium. We'd have a good cross section of presenters, Ant, Dec, Davina Mccall, Simon Cowell all the other big names, why not Russell Brand, I first saw him on Big Brother's Little Brother?

Then I'd fucking shoot the lot of them, on live TV, making the world just that little bit brighter.


You may be saying that this is horrific and people would be traumatised to see so many of their much loved TV stars executed in this brutal manner. Well, just for them I'd set up counselling centres, because I'm a caring hippy type. Anjyone who felt at all upset about the mass executions could come along to one of these centres and quietly and discretely, I'd shoot those fuckers too.

Now you maybe worrying about the friends and families of the people shot in the counselling centres.... Well to cut a very long story short, this all ends with me sitting on a throne of skulls in my perfect world.

Happy fucking Christmas
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:00, Reply)

Lol

( girlinthehole, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:01, Reply)

I quite enjoyed this little rant
Not that I'm actually that bothered, I don't watch this shit anymore but it all, flowed nicely.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:06, Reply)

I wasn't expecting the ending. It finished it off perfectly.

( girlinthehole, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:07, Reply)

That's remarkably close to the plot of "A Snowball in Hell"
you should def read Brookmyre.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:08, Reply)

It is, rather.
Excellent book; I may re-read it. Or perhaps do the loosely linked trilogy in order again.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:10, Reply)

I shall look it up, sadly it is too late to add it to my Christmas list.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:28, Reply)

If you've not read Brookmyre before
it's kind of the last in a trilogy, so I'd consider reading "A big boy did it and ran away" first and then he's sort of relevant to All fun and games until someone loses an eye .. before "a snowball"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:34, Reply)

I'm with you nearly all the way on this Quey
www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1468319

Up until the bit about you on a throne. There is no monarchy in my utopian future.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:19, Reply)

Peasant.
"Your bones will build my palaces, your eyes will stud my crown" to quote the great poet Ian Kilmister.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:23, Reply)

Reality TV is shit.
*goes away again*
( girlinthehole, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:01, Reply)

and bent?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:04, Reply)

Aye!

( girlinthehole, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:06, Reply)

It's more bent than my right index finger.
And that's pretty bent. In a bendy way.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:11, Reply)

My most hated reality TV programmes are the ones where shit celebrities let a camera crew delve into their entire lives.
I'm quite sure Peter Andre is only alive in order to showcase his existence on ITV2.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:12, Reply)

I was disgusted when he started to sexually abuse his own children to cyncially improve ratings
He may enjoy it though, so fair dues and all
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:22, Reply)

I quite liked that bit.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:25, Reply)

Reminds you of filming your upcoming Christmas special?
Boyce on Boyce?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:27, Reply)

That just reminds me of this joke
When Peter Andre and Katie Price finalised their divorce, she announced she'd miss the family holidays they had, the TV specials they made, and the time they spent together.

He said he'd miss the titwanks and watching the fat, cod eyed cunt walk into the door.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:24, Reply)

Coffee, this is monitor. Monitor, it seems you have met coffee already

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:26, Reply)

Sorry I'm too busy playing my new board game to reply to this
www.solomonia.com/wp/2011/03/juden-raus-the-board-game/
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:23, Reply)

That was featured in something I watched last week
I think it was on the BBC website now I think on
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:25, Reply)

My suggestion for reality TV is fairly well-known on here
But since there has been a Midget Big Brother I suspect that Downs Big Brother is a little closer to our screens.

I wax going to suggest Aspergers Big Brother but there's a trainwreck of a show called Beauty and the Geek that covers that demographic.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:36, Reply)