Good (?) morning my fellow shut-ins?
Please tell me about your messiest time at work. Were you still finishing the vodka as you walked in? Still hanging out the back of Kerry from the Helpdesk? How did you cope? What did you do, hotshot?

As fucking usual, I'm awake from silly o'clock and tired, hungry and bored

Alt:
Entertaining jobs to give the apprentice?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 6:22, 200 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

'Morning Sporty
Everyday is messy desk day where I work. It is a complete shambles. I've been trying to find my birth certificate on it this morning. It must be here, and it should be near the top, but I can't find it.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 7:11, Reply)

Monty
Probably nicked it, he has previous, just ask his ex.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 7:33, Reply)

Why would he want a birth certificate that would make him older than he already is?
I need it, as I can't buy booze without it, looking much younger than my actual years.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 7:46, Reply)

I don't think it's the most hungover I've even been,
but working in a bar had its advantages when it came to cures. An early morning Bloody Mary and champagne really helped one Thursday morning
I was shit faced by the time I had to leave at 5pm to go and meet a bunch of b3tans. Annnnnnd then I pulled Monty.
( wanderlust, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 7:59, Reply)

^ Proof
That drinking too much is bad.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:10, Reply)

Maybe I'm still drunk
and one day I'll sober up and realise what I've done.

I wouldn't mind to much if that didn't happen though. He's not that bad, he can be quite funny sometimes.
( wanderlust, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:20, Reply)

Awww.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:29, Reply)

It's a wonderfully backhanded compliment.
Especially if you read it the other way in that most of the time he isn't funny at all.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:35, Reply)

Laughing with or laughing at, though?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:38, Reply)

A bit of both.

( wanderlust, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:46, Reply)

Ahh, fair enough

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:49, Reply)

Am ignoring your questions and instead posting a dilemma.
My in-laws have invited us on holiday at Easter. They want to go to one of those big campsite/holiday villages in Normandy. While the idea of a free holiday is appealing, my reservations are:
a) it's 'same shit, different location' in terms of running around after a (non-sleeping) toddler;
b) my idea of camping is more Ray Mears/wilderness/blissfully getting away from everyone rather than a week in a mobile home surrounded by a holiday village full of English people complaining about the food and weather;
c) I'd have to entertain small child in a car, on a ferry, and then again in a car for pretty much a full day each way.

So do I grit my teeth and go or do I fuck off back to Mumsnet?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:28, Reply)

Back to mumsnet with you
We have turned down two free family holidays this year, it just wouldn't be relaxing. Instead we're leaving sproglet with the grinners and fucking off to France.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:34, Reply)

Surely the point of having kids is actually having these holiday experiences with your child?
I say this of course as someone without kids so feel free to point out how "everything changes" and "I wouldn't understand".
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:36, Reply)

EVERYTHING CHANGES, AL, YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:37, Reply)

I knew it.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:39, Reply)

Actually I would like to take her
but we are going to a wedding which would be difficult especially as I'm an usher. Also she won't remember it anyway.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:38, Reply)

Tattoo your best memories on her leg
then she'll never forget.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:39, Reply)

I need to find a way of declining that doesn't make me look like a snob.
"A week in one of those dreadful mobile homes in some ghastly holiday village? Oh, I'm not sure if I can make it that week."
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:36, Reply)

Why not? everyone has different standards? I'd rather stay at home than go to a caravan park

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:39, Reply)

My brother in law has a rule about not spending more than a week with anyone's parents, including his own.
If it is short with a definite ending you can grit your teeth and tolerate it for 7 days.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:38, Reply)

Good tule, though I'd make it 3 days max where my family are involved.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:43, Reply)

If you count two of those days as travelling
and arrange to do something separately on one day, that only leaves four days to slowly drive each other mad.
In my family it helps that my dad usually spends two days not speaking to anyone.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:46, Reply)

I want to go on a family holiday, just not there.
I was thinking maybe a nice cottage in Devon or something near to a beach perhaps, with a little cafe where they serve cream teas. Yes, I'm old and middle class and incredibly boring.
*goes back to growing vegetables*

If I'm going to go to France I want to stay the hell away from English people and very close to unlimited wine.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:39, Reply)

You grow vegetables?
You must be an awesome person.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:40, Reply)

esome personful bore
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:41, Reply)

I bet you've never even seen a vegetable unless it comes out of a packet with "Iceland" written on it.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:43, Reply)

Not true
I saw one wheeling down the road just the other day with a little bobble hat on
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:43, Reply)

You saw Monty?

(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:44, Reply)

yeah, I threw some change at him as I felt sorry for him
but then he started ranting about "owing me a suck job" so i pushed him into traffic
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:46, Reply)

I'm a marathoner too.
And I hope someday to construct a fence.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:41, Reply)

It's so fucking cold,
I was getting stomach cramps from drinking my squash while doing my 4 miles on Tuesday.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:44, Reply)

I did my four miles last night and they hurt.
I was trying to keep up with the much younger and fitter person ahead of me who was running home from work with a rucksack on.

Actually, that's another reason I don't want to go somewhere unknown at Easter - I'm going to have to be doing an 18 mile run that week.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:46, Reply)

I'm think I'm getting quite good at running in "a low state of arousal"
I'm taking that to mean that I'm not thinking about how long I'm running in total that day as I've already planned my route so I know how far I will be going, and when I'm running I'm concentrating on my breathing and my pace but not worrying about how fast I'm going overall or getting cross and struggling up hills.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:49, Reply)

Yep, I think going by distance rather than time is a huge mental bonus.
In fact, I'm going to go and do my three miles right now.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:51, Reply)

I'm gonna see how cold it is tonigh and I might do mine in the gym
and then do some weights.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:52, Reply)

I reckon you should leave Catface and the baby with them
and then take yourself off to a remote mountain location where you will practice running through the snow whilst being watched by soviet agents. You can improve your upper body strength by chopping wood and hauling it to the top of a hayloft, and then you can spend twenty minutes being punched in the face by Dolph Lundgren.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:38, Reply)

This is pretty much my perfect holiday.
*hums Eye of the Tiger*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:41, Reply)

How old is the kid?
If they like to run around I can recommend ditching the car/ferry and travelling by train for getting to France. It takes about the same length of time and your sprog might cope better if they have the freedom to move instead of being strapped into a car seat.
However, if your child is a screaming nightmare then you will spend the journey trying your best not to piss off the other passengers.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:42, Reply)

19 months
so still at the 'walk short distances, stops to examine every small blade of grass, falls over regularly' stage
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:45, Reply)

If they fall over a lot the train might not be so good then.
They scream louder in small enclosed spaces containing pissed off businessmen.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:50, Reply)

simply attach a hose to the exhaust and redirect the fumes into the car
remember to crack a window though, we're looking for a shortterm coma, not death.

/Mccanns
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:45, Reply)

Do it, 24 hour baby sitters
so you and catface can eat in nice bistros and read.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:52, Reply)

I think I'll not answer the first question for fear of self incrimination
and I don't have any ideas for the alt.

Morning though.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:33, Reply)

Worst was the Christmas party two years ago
it was corporate entertainment day, so I got to the pub at about 10am and spent all day drinking as my clinet didn't show, then off to the party which I stayed at until 4am, got home at 5am, got up at 7am for work...everyone else had taken the day off
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:36, Reply)

Morning
My most shameful day in my current job was, after some seriously heavy drinking, having absolutely no memory of the drive to work that morning. I can just about remember showering that morning with my head leaned against the bathroom wall. I am in no way proud of this and have not repeated it.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:36, Reply)

Definitely the time I was shotting tequila until 3am, didn't get to work until 9:45, and had to be sent home an hour later because I couldn't stop throwing up
I was the fucking model employee for months after that, wouldn't dare leave my desk for more than 5 minutes. Have also never drunk tequila since.

Alt: We took great pleasure in making the work experience kid manually check whether check digits were correct.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:37, Reply)

"How many fingers am I holding up?"
...using only your sphincter
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:42, Reply)

No
www.augustana.ab.ca/~mohrj/algorithms/checkdigit.html
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:46, Reply)

Gte him to make you some pad thai for your lunch

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:40, Reply)

Back in 2001 I went to a gig in London on a schoolnight
and missed the last train home. Spent the night trailing round the capital e'd out of my box, then went from the train station to the shower to my desk.

Luckily I was in a thoroughly riveting job which kept me challenged and entertained so keeping my eyes open was well easy.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:40, Reply)

Did you drop this? (!)

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:10, Reply)

Being a manky student, I've left lectures in the 5 minute break, vomitted, and continued as normal (but just the once)
And also the time I deliberately stayed out all night as I didn't want to have to wake up for my 9am. We ended up in Golders Green at about 5 in the morning. I've never been before or since.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:50, Reply)

Nice!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:52, Reply)

Because you hate jews?
You make me sick
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:52, Reply)

She's a dreadful anti-semite.
It's why she's going out with Crow, he's like the opposite of a Jew.

Or at least, he's like the opposite of Gonz, who is a Jew.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:53, Reply)

I'll have you know I have a Jewface.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:01, Reply)

Mounted on the wall, you fucking racist

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:10, Reply)

Or is it in the showers for maximum lols?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:10, Reply)

Work night out...
Lunchtime start, left the casino at 6am and went straight to work. I was promptly turned away from the building by building security, so I went home. Did I get a bollocking? Not at all, my boss was with me the whole time and was throwing up in the car park.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 8:57, Reply)

Excellent one, Jeff!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:09, Reply)

Proper boss.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:03, Reply)

Been sent home from work when I was scaffolding,
day after my birthday. Took about 10 mins to get to the top of a 3 lift scaff, sweating cobs and shaking. I then threw up onto the pavement, and got taken home to bed. Good times.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:05, Reply)

Post Christmas Do, one of the lads walked in still totally leathered and fell asleep on his desk for 5 hours
I was quite impressed with this
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:09, Reply)

as a professional and an adult i would never behave in such a manner
I don't like the apprenctice, its shit. Attention seekers being forced to make and sell orange juice does not a business advisor make
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:13, Reply)

I like how it implies that the only way to be good at "business" is to be a loud mouthed gobshite
with no actual skills in project or people management.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:18, Reply)

i know two guys who were on there, one of them now works with my LOVELY sasha
both of them are pricks
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:18, Reply)

but
at least they didn't have nicknames like 'badger' printed on their hockey shirts
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:19, Reply)

One of them was called Badger though, she got a job on telly and everything.
HOLY SHIT! Do you think Badger is actually a bird and a celebrity bird at that?
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:20, Reply)

Even worse
That would make him a Brummie
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:21, Reply)

i'd do him either way

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:22, Reply)

You like fat bald chicks called badger?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:23, Reply)

there are about 5 of those on this board alone

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:23, Reply)

You're confusing Swipe with 5 thin chicks stood next to each other.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:26, Reply)

5 thin birds don't equal a swipe
3 chubby lasses + lambrini + superiority complex x shouting in the mirror that she isn't lonely = half a swipe
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:34, Reply)

HAHAHAHAHAH!!!
I can't click this enough, this HAS to be top of the popular page.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:36, Reply)

thats really terrible bullying
why do you have it in for swipe so bad?
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:37, Reply)

She ate his lunch

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:39, Reply)

from the way she posts i get the feeling she ate a lot of people's lunch
and washed it all down with crazy pills
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:41, Reply)

She tried, she got halfway through it and her stomach ruptured.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:41, Reply)

You're like a dog with a bone on this one

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:20, Reply)

or like a badger with an earthworm
eh? EH? Yeah, that works
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:22, Reply)

What did the butcher say to the female sheep?
Nice to meat (meet) ewe (you)!!!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:23, Reply)

what?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:24, Reply)

it's a joke

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:25, Reply)

t's 'm
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:30, Reply)

Don't be so down on yourself TUB(BY)

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:31, Reply)

upin isn't a word

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:33, Reply)

Short words like 'in' or 'the' are often left out of acronyms

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:34, Reply)

Was that one of those occasions?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:47, Reply)

indeed

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:48, Reply)

Nah, dogs take ages to eat a bone
Badgers swallow fistfuls of earthworms like me with a packet of smarties.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:26, Reply)

yeah but if you tried to take the earthworm off him he'd be right pissed off
isn't that what that saying means? that once he's got it you won't let it go?
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:33, Reply)

But you wouldn't have the chance to take an earthworm off a badger
it'd be gone before you even knew he'd had his teeth in it and then he'd be on to the next one.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:35, Reply)

even if the earthworm was like, really feisty?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:36, Reply)

If the earthworm had a flick knife, I'd give it 30 seconds, tops.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:41, Reply)

we need a practical experiment, i can't visualise it

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:42, Reply)

My wife knows that guy Tom who won last year
his sister is a dick
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:20, Reply)

I don't know who you're referring to.
But if his sister has a dick then I'm quite glad.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:21, Reply)

www.tompellereau.com/
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:22, Reply)

of the two i knew, one came second in 2010
the other was shown up as a prick in the first week and booted off sharpish, i think just last year?
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:24, Reply)

are you suggesting Quintin could win it?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:19, Reply)

holy fuck, wheres the application form?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:19, Reply)

I really like The Apprentice, but it's fuck all to do with buiness.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:36, Reply)

I need to write my end of year review, this might be the most tedious thing in the world

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:27, Reply)

Do it in the style of a photo love story

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:28, Reply)

Or imagine it's a QOTW entry
and include some references to fucking hot chicks on your desk.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:29, Reply)

I'll gaz spanky for some top tips

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:30, Reply)

do it drunk while you're at work!
OMG THAT WOULD BE SO COOOOL
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:35, Reply)

I'll go and sniff a marker pen in the staionary cupboard now!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:36, Reply)

you dangerous man, you dayne-ger-us

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:41, Reply)

You're an end of the year review?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:29, Reply)

BOOM BOOM!

(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:30, Reply)

alright basil

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:31, Reply)

Greetings.
Learning that I could go 'right through' without going to bed, and then go into work without anyone noticing, was not a good thing.

I've done it fucking loads of times since. Not proud of this, and just thinking about it makes me feel a little ill.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:33, Reply)

You did it last night, that's why you feel ill.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:36, Reply)

That'll be it. I'm so silly.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:37, Reply)

Silly Monty.
You took so many drugs you forgot you had taken any drugs.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:39, Reply)

My kid made up a song on the spot last night called 'Burger Man'.
It's the most insane thing I've ever heard. Given my record collection that is quite a claim.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:42, Reply)

Are you sure she wasn't just covering ZZ Top's "Burger Man" and you just hadn't heard the original?

(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:45, Reply)

I don't know that one, but I am now singing Burger Man to the tune of this:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_OHry9Nf0Y
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:46, Reply)

I ws expecting that to be 'Painter Man' by the utterly superb Creation.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:50, Reply)

And now it is
*violin-bows guitar*
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:53, Reply)

What. A. Band.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:56, Reply)

www.dailymotion.com/video/x22wgi_zztop-burger-man_music
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:51, Reply)

Quite sure.
Unless the 'Top's lyrics included a line about how he's actually a whoopee cushion and when you sit on him he goes *fart noise*, followed by demented screaming?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:51, Reply)

If only you had some sort of amazing camera with you at all times that would let you record such outbursts for posterity.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:54, Reply)

I did film it and may force you to endure it next week.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:56, Reply)

WAHEY!
I for one cannot wait to see this.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:02, Reply)

Is this your daughter?
www.youtube.com/watch?v=26kOyGjEez8
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:03, Reply)

I've no sound at work.
My ex showed me some hilarious footage she took without our kid noticing, of her miming along at her keyboard to 'Superfly' by Curtis Mayfield. A very heartfelt and convincing performance, with much emoting and a good mic stance.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:06, Reply)

Hahaha!
Must be in the genes.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:08, Reply)

She's starting a performance arts course next month.
It's at Pineapple Dance Studios - if that chutney Spence goes anywhere near her I'll fucking knack 'im.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:11, Reply)

That child's musical education is safe in your hands
You must be so proud.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:10, Reply)

Actually I really am.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:12, Reply)

You own a pink guitar?

(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:15, Reply)

It's hers, I bought it for her in the summer.
It plays really quite well.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:16, Reply)

Good plan.
I hope she keeps it up. Women who play guitar are hot. As long they play electric guitar and don't warble over an acoustic.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:21, Reply)

That picture turns you on?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:23, Reply)

Indeed.
The female guitarist from Jap rockers Boris in incredibly hot. INCREDIBLY.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:26, Reply)

I saw them at ATP in 2010
They were fantastic.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:30, Reply)

Their show at Cargo was one of the best gigs I have ever attended.
Most, most impressive.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:32, Reply)

Morning, bummers and harridans.
www.b3ta.com/links/Sleeveface_like_Dear_Photograph_but_less_emo
*sings* the sun is shiiiiiining, I'm in my beeeeeed with a shitty coooooold! Take it to the bridge!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:36, Reply)

If you only have a cold why are you in bed?
Are you some kind of terrible poofter?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:38, Reply)

He's a terrible racist poofter.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:40, Reply)

Coming over here, eating our Smarties.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:42, Reply)

Well it's like a cold but it's up against my face and it's gripping the back of my head and I think there's some kind of tube inserted in my throat because it tickles and that.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:41, Reply)

No point in going to the doctor:
he's probably just another inefficient, lazy Paki anyway.

Right?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:43, Reply)

Unless it's a woman.
I heard their women are actually very efficient.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:44, Reply)

Well, one of them is.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:45, Reply)

For a Paki, that is

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:46, Reply)

Sure, why not.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:45, Reply)

haha
you fucken racist scum
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:46, Reply)

*waggles eyebrows*

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:47, Reply)

Get the sparks for the spark plugs!!!!
Get a tin of tartan paint!!!!
Get a new bubble for the spirit level!!!

LOLOLOLOLOLOLWORKJAPES!!!!!
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:37, Reply)

send him down to morrisons for a lefthanded screwdriver!

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:42, Reply)

aha! yes!

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:42, Reply)

it took 4 hours for me to find one that time i went
:(
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:47, Reply)

oh man, harsh times :'(

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:48, Reply)

when i got back the palce was shut, so i had to wait on the doormat til morning
i could have unscrewed the door hinges and got in, but i'm righthanded see
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:50, Reply)

oh Q, it's been a hard life

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:51, Reply)

the lines on my face tell a story a thousand years wide

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:53, Reply)

Your face tells the story of TGB's vagina?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:55, Reply)

yeah sure why not

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:56, Reply)

Hi rswipe

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:59, Reply)

Oh god do I have to ignore him as well?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:06, Reply)

You'd be missing some great stuff if you did.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:07, Reply)

I've seen the popular page,
he's definatly got her number.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:10, Reply)

i thought this was quite poetic really
and even tho its probably a stolen lyric from a song i hope it appears in an advert soon with an irishman reading it over people eating in fast food restrants so it seems poingant
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:59, Reply)

Send him down the mines for some white coal!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:43, Reply)

Tell him to go and ask for a long stand.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:50, Reply)

I have done this more times than I care to remember.
There was a spieler near my office that was open pretty much 24hrs. There's nothing like sinking your last Stella at 8am and buying a shirt and tie on your way into the office!

*uncontrollableshakeslols*
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:01, Reply)

Ooof

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:05, Reply)

The worst thing
is that you smell like a brewery. You can't smell it but others can from 10 feet away.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:07, Reply)

Stale beer is not a good smell

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:08, Reply)

It's pretty fresh if he is drinking it at 8am

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:15, Reply)

And the others he drank in the previous 12 hours?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:18, Reply)

As long as you keep topping it up, it remains fresh.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:21, Reply)

Especially if you'd taken the Stella Challenge.
Which consisted of trying to get 10 Stellas down in 2 hours. One every 6 minutes.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:22, Reply)

I drank 12 stellas once
and tried to punch a gay who was dancing with my girlfriend, vomited on the floor, then got carried out by a bouncer and had a little cry, good times.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:24, Reply)

Stella Actatwat

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:27, Reply)

Are you quite a big lad, Nakers?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:38, Reply)

nah, tall but thin. This was over a long period of time

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:42, Reply)

Let's just analyse this a second.
Now, Stunned. How many minutes are there in an hour? I make it 60. So if you need to divide an hour into ten segments how many minutes in each segment? I make it 6.

And if you have two hours to divide into 10 segments, how many minutes is that?
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:25, Reply)

MATHSPWND

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:27, Reply)

YEAH BOI!
*high fives*
(Bazongaloid, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:30, Reply)

Yes, sorry. 12 minutes.
I never managed it which is why I am so clueless.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:37, Reply)

Your body tries to get rid of the alcohol anyway it can
this includes in the moisture that you breathe out, which is why no amount of tooth brushing will stop you smelling like a thruppenny gin whore
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:11, Reply)

Whilst that is undoubtedly true,
there's no justification for making matter worse by dressing like one too, Nakers.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:15, Reply)

How else will I get you to pay me any attention?
You won't even look at me during :' (((((
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:18, Reply)

Hahahahha
I pay for the gin so whatever else I do or don't do is your tough shit, bitch.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:20, Reply)

Are you surprised?
What with your whore's britches, no teeth and encouraging him to get up "cock alley"?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:21, Reply)

The no teeth bit is a plus for many
i feel sick
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:22, Reply)

You need to learn to relax your gag reflex then

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:24, Reply)

*gaz's darth*

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:28, Reply)

Is Gaz Darth's boyfriend?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:29, Reply)

yes, yes he is

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:30, Reply)

I love you, man.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:14, Reply)

It's nice to get some recognition from fellow caners.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:16, Reply)

i wish you didn't have me on ignore, we coulda been great together

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:17, Reply)