Morning
I've got a headache. I blame the cider boat where I went last night for research purposes, see the calendar for more info.

So, Frank Carson is dead. What's your favourite joke?

Alt, breakfast.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 7:28, 91 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Aaaah, the good old cider boat.
Last hangover I had was due to cider and I felt like freshly-hammered shit for the whole day. You have my sympathy.
I don't have a favourite joke but my favourite comedian of the moment is Steve Hughes - a very funny Aussie.
Alt: A dry-cure bacon and free-range egg sarnie.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 7:50, Reply)

Did you
Cook the sandwich yourself or go to a caff?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:01, Reply)

All my own work!
One advantage of living in a village (not exactly in the sticks) is having a (at the risk of sounding a bit 'League of gentlemen) local butcher who uses local suppliers.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:15, Reply)

What ho, Capper.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:26, Reply)

Morning Monty

(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:36, Reply)

Well, I was drinking cider last night, but it wasn't on a boat, so I feel fine!
My favourite joke is probably this -
What do you call a fat girl with a yeast infection?
A whopper with cheese

Alt: Didn't have any bread in this morning, and haven't had a chance to go to the shop, so I've just grabbed a quick bag of crisps from the machine. Tomorrow, however, shall likely be a monster bacon bap.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:23, Reply)

*nods*
Morning, chutto.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:27, Reply)

Morning Monty
Have got the DVD with me, shall get it sent today (I hope)
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:29, Reply)

Excellent work. Thank you, kind sir.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:32, Reply)

Mmmmm, monster bacon.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:08, Reply)

it's so very hard to get the monsters these days
let alone slice them and cure them.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:22, Reply)

Piggy gammon steaks are so overrated :(

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:24, Reply)

I have only a small number of jokes in my 'arsenal'*
1) Noddy Holder
2) Pedants' Revolt
3) What's yellow and doesn't like liver?
4) 'The black Jew'
5) Velcro on the ceiling
6) A selection of 'Ethiopian', 'Space Shuttle' and 'Herald of Free Enterprise' type 'topical' jokes from over twenty years ago

As a boy I was obsessed with jokes but having lost my sense of humour in tragic accident in 1997 my joke days are somewhat behind me.

Alt: breakfast is the preserve of the terminal bottom-wrangler

*I am SUCH a 'Gooner'!!!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:25, Reply)

3) Ben Hardwick, if you're interested

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:27, Reply)

5) How do you stop Mexicans jumping on your bed?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:28, Reply)

2) Which Tyler

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:30, Reply)

they're both roll on roll off and full of dead seamen?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:45, Reply)

Your mum has always made me laugh.
Trainee priest/ two mars bars and a can of coke.

Alt: bacon sandwich and a can of lucozade.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:31, Reply)

Good call on the breakfast

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:33, Reply)

Carson's untimely death kept me up all night.
So did my asthma. Actually it was mostly the asthma. Pretty much just the asthma ket me up. I'm close to tears.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:31, Reply)

Have a fag, Bal.
That'll shift it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:32, Reply)

A proper lung rattler. Red marlboro with the filter snapped off.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:33, Reply)

Tis shit, isn't it?
I sympathise, asthma fucks me right up every time it makes an appearance.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:33, Reply)

I'll be fine for years.
The it'll come along and do me in for two solid weeks. My mood also worsens cos I completely stop smoking during these periods.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:36, Reply)

Do you have an inhaler, or do you just go without?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:36, Reply)

I wouldn't make it through the night if I didn't have an inhaler.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:38, Reply)

Do you have a preventer as well?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:41, Reply)

Do you think it possible there could be a link between asthma and smoking?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:06, Reply)

Asthma doesn't exist. It's just an excuse for fat kids to get off games lessons at school.
MTFU.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:39, Reply)

Fuck right off

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 8:41, Reply)

I concur...
Asthma is up there with hayfever as an illness for the lover of the gentleman sausage
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:05, Reply)

Fuck right off.
As someone who didn't suffer from hayfever for 33 years then suddenly got hit with the worst bout of leaky face and itchy cunty eyes and nose for five months of the year, every year, without fail, PLUS an allergy to cats right out of fucking nowhere, I can confidently state that hayfever is a massive bastard and no mistaking it.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:10, Reply)

Why do you think your immune system hates you?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:13, Reply)

Probably all the racism.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:14, Reply)

Immune responses are so preachy

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:16, Reply)

Just admit
You developed this after a bout of gentleman wrestling and all your woes will be cured
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:16, Reply)

So basically what you're saying is, if I go out and get me some lady loving, my allergies will disappear?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:19, Reply)

yep.
trust me, I'm a doctor.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:22, Reply)

See medical proof

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:29, Reply)

r etc etc
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:34, Reply)

wahwahwah treeshate me wahwahwah

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:59, Reply)

You can fuck right off and all
I was born with asthma, it affected me really badly for the first 4-5 years of my life, and regularly makes appearances now
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:20, Reply)

I refer the honorable gentleman
To the cure above.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:29, Reply)

Had some last weekend
I find Clenil to be a better long term cure
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:31, Reply)

I am going to deliberately misunderstand this and say
It doesnt count if it is a skinny hipster chap in a wig
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:34, Reply)

I get fexofenadine on prescription, fucking amazing drug.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:35, Reply)

Good good

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:36, Reply)

il drix
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:02, Reply)

She's not fond of me, so the likelihood of a long term cure is slim to nil

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:05, Reply)

She's more in the "permanent cure with a claw hammer and an unmarked grave" line

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:07, Reply)

oh shut the fuck up, its obviously a made up illness for fat people

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:59, Reply)

Their throats are too fat and their skin is covered in sores

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:00, Reply)

I had it before I was fat, shitwit.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:02, Reply)

yeah but the fat gene was there, just waiting to get you when you hit 25

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:03, Reply)

It's not a gene, I'm the fat one of the family
I got fat because I changed jobs and exercise habits, whilst my diet got worse.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:04, Reply)

so you've got a fat lazy gene and asthma?
its no wonder your single
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:05, Reply)

It's all the lard in his moobs pressing on his lungs

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:09, Reply)

Not lazy, fat because I eat too much
If I was interested in getting a girlfriend, I'd go out looking for one. But I don't, so I don't.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:13, Reply)

thats the same excuse all fat people use
to be fair both my brother and sister have asthma, but they smoke, so fuck em
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:28, Reply)

lol

( zulu eh?, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:36, Reply)

Morning
Forget Frank Carson, Billy Strange (occasional member of the Wrecking Crew) has also died.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:04, Reply)

I had the edgings of a hangover.
possibly the whisky before bed pushed it too far.

I'm quite fond of the rabbit/lettuce/butcher/nails gag

Alt: cornflakes as I was in a hurry.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:21, Reply)

Whisky after getting out of bed should cure it though
/notadoctor
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:42, Reply)

absolutely.
It does rather impair my ability to legally drive to work, though. Curse those nanny state police.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:44, Reply)

Tart
How would Jason King solved all those crimes without a decent Chablis while driving. It calms the nerves and allows a gentleman to proceed with due care and attention...



(may not be the best advice)
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:54, Reply)

the apple?
its great
( zulu eh?, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:36, Reply)

Thaasands of them!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:37, Reply)

Two monkeys in a bath
the first says, 'OOOH OOOH AAHHH AHHHAH'

To which the second replies, ' If it's too hot Colin put some cold water in'
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:55, Reply)

My fav joke at the moment is American politicians...
All of them.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:57, Reply)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, POLITILOLZ

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:57, Reply)

Ladies and gentlemen, MR BEN ELTON

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:03, Reply)

BEN
+ JOHN
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:04, Reply)

THATS THE oh never mind

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:05, Reply)

I care not for Frank Carson and his ghastly regional accent
alt: toast, jam and tea
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:57, Reply)

toast

It's a cracker!
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:59, Reply)

Sympathy reply.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:09, Reply)

Thanks.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:09, Reply)

How did Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:59, Reply)

Wi' Jam in.
Morning Monts.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:00, Reply)

How does Monty like his Scarpe?

He doesn't. It's a trick question.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:04, Reply)

Damn it, I though the answer was
'freshly out of a warm bath'
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:06, Reply)

In a Japanese sand bath, more like.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:07, Reply)

How do you titillate an ocelot?
I like it because it rolls off the tongue (the joke, not the ocelot).

Alt: Some kind of multi grain thing with bits of dried fruit in. I don't normally have breakfast but I have the morning off so figured I ought.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:04, Reply)

I'm also fond of
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:08, Reply)

Dr Dre

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:09, Reply)

Shit.
I totally forgot about Dre.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:15, Reply)

*golf claps*

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:18, Reply)

I like this
And have had a chuckle
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:19, Reply)

So you ate a turd.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:08, Reply)

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
The Gestapo!
The Gestapo who?
WE VILL ASK ZE QVESTIONS!
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:10, Reply)

Ah, Cider...

I too am a little delicate this morning after quaffing vast quantities of ciderish beverages. Thank fuck I have bugger all work to do today.

What's white and glides across the nightclub floor?
Come dancing.

I also like the one with the punchline - So the vicar says:"I thought you were going to miss him so I opened the door!"

And the 'Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman trying to join the SAS' joke made me laugh myself to a happy place of racism-related purgatory.

Alt: Nowt, and I am now properly Hank.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Thu 23 Feb 2012, 10:26, Reply)