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rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Right, new thread time"Team Building". These words strike fear into my heart. Yesterday we had our staff conference. The highlight of this was an afternoon outside learning circus activities - stilt walking, tightrope walking, clowning, unicycles, etc. After spending an hour or so doing this, you then had a 5 minute performance to give to the rest of the company. Fortunately I was covering support and missed this, though I was able to watch our CTO dressed as a lion being whipped by our receptionist.
What the utter fuck?
What is the best/worst thing you've had to do in your job?
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:27,
186 replies,
latest was 13 years ago)
Best: being taught to cook steak properly by chefjohncampbell.co.uk/
Worst: make people redundant. Not pleasant.
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Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:30,
Reply)
Firing people for being cunts is different. Telling decent people that their job has been made redundant is horrible. (
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:34,
Reply)
Afternoon SportsbillyI don’t normally agree with you Batts. But yes it’s fucking horrible having to make employees redundant, I had to do it with people I considered to be not just employees but also friends.
Alt(ish) Having free reign with a company credit card is fun as long as I can justify it I can spend what I like, and having your own office, Monday mornings office door shut (I’m going to have to get a do not disturb sign soon) and having a wicked telephone system so that you can phone any internal line and make your voice come over the loudspeaker.
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hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:56,
Reply)
top tip for your own office with a door:If you fancy a snooze but worry about getting caught, empty a box of paper-clips on the floor, get on your hands and knees with feet about 6 inches from the door and doze off.
Anyone coming in will hit your feet with the door, waking you up and you can go "oh, sorry, just picking up these paper-clips".
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:26,
Reply)
We do this once a year, we've made one minute movies of movies, had a fashion show and done photographythen there is drinks, dinner and dancing, plus a room for the night if you want one, tbh it's not that bad.
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:30,
Reply)
It was fucking GRIM yesterday(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:35,
Reply)
I once got an email from a former mate which said 'ur a nob'So I proved him right by replying to it with his manager as a cc, saying that perhaps he would benefit from a refresher on the email policy.
I BCCd in some mates as well, it was well lol.
(, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:31, Reply)
what made it more lol was that I was a higher grade than his boss so it had to be acted on.Like I said, well lol and his own fault for abusing company email in the first place.
(, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:36, Reply)
14 sailors in one hour, dark alley in PortsmouthI had an arse like the Sarlacc Pit filled with glue the next morning
Oh, my DAY job? Nowt.
(, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:31, Reply)
Two hot girls in the office were arguing over who gave the best blowjoband they both gave me one and made me mark them out of ten.
I gave them both 4 and said they had to give me anal for the tiebreaker.
But the very best thing was mark bringing in a nice tin a of biscuits.
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Peej, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:33,
Reply)
YehThey weren't chocolate hobnobs so they weren't the best really
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Peej, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:34,
Reply)
Describe your worst blowjob:'marvellous'.
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Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:37,
Reply)
I would have thought, for PJmerely the chance to have the briefest contant of lips on his cock would be a 9 these days.
Unless she was a biter. Urgh.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:38,
Reply)
Could be, could be.Or it could be a spackhanded typing of contact. Although fuck knows how I did it, c and n are two spaces apart on a keyboard.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:41,
Reply)
Nah its what you get rachel riley to pick after you picked a vowel(
Peej, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:42,
Reply)
I don't really like blowjobsTo many bad memories from my childhood. I miss my uncle so much. 4 eva in my hart!
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Peej, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:42,
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hahahahaha!Genuine officelol
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:43,
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man, that pain must be real.(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:44,
Reply)
current job it would just be tedious, eg conforming court bundles until 5ambut as a letting agent - probably being sent to the dark basement flat to see if the tenant had died. send the 18 year old summer student to look for a corpse. nice. oh and writing to the 60 year old pervert to tell him to keep his porn down.
the italian deli near me does a lush box of up to 4 different fresh pastas of the day for £5. the silly cow today missed the blue cheese and spinach, so i just have spicy penne and roasted vegetables. turns out roasted celery is not as nice as it looks :(
i shouldn't really call her a silly cow. the food is fab. but waaah i want my blue cheese shells :(((
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:37,
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flying visit, Qoff to barcelona first thing, so been up to my neck in it the last 2 days
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:43,
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it's be nice to swipe day today, alcohol has made me a better person(, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:46, Reply)
well, you'll soon have a few swipe-free days, you can take all your hatred out on me behind my back, eh?(
rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:46,
Reply)
i can bring you back a mini toblerone if you want (
rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:48,
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ermdo swedish toblerones taste different to spanish ones, then?
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:50,
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well obviously all toblerones are made in swedenisn't there a barcelona in sweden? it's like theres orleans in france, and new orleans in america, right?
(, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:51, Reply)
there are retarded flids gurning and monging their way around special schoolswho have a better grasp of geography than i do. sorry.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:54,
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ok, so bring me back a toblerone form your trip to Barcelona, Swedenok?
(, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:55, Reply)
don't confuse mei could end up on the wrong plane
then there'll be no toblerones for ANYONE
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:56,
Reply)
when it comes to chocolate, i totally amthe whiter, the better.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:05,
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and it looks like shit, so it must taste proper rancid.(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:40,
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see, i thought it looked nice, but this is why you should never go for lookson the plus side, the roasted carrots, courgettes, onions, peppers, mushrooms and baby potatoes that came with it were lush. 9/10.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:44,
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mind you, you can be ugly and still a complete cunt(
rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:48,
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Of course it's notletting agents are blood sucking arse twats, no offence like
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:41,
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10% for doing fuck all8% renewwl for doing even less
xx% if I want to sell to my tenants
Sorry but it's money for fuck all. Still you're nice lawyer now instead :)
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:48,
Reply)
oh yeah, but how much of that did i see?i worked 9am-5.45pm plus a LOT of overtime, plus 9-3 on saturdays.
for £12,000 a year.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:50,
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well someone in your office was getting rich off your back and the back of your landlords and tennants(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:51,
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well yeahthat's how the boss went from owning 1 semi-detached house when he was 18 to a multi-millionaire who owned 100's of properties!
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:53,
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About 10 years ago I worked with a 22-year-old who already had 3 houseshe was just doing IT to pay the bills while accumulating the rents to buy more properties. He had a plan and everything, becoming self-sustaining after another few years. I did find myself wishing I'd started accumulating property at an early age...
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:57,
Reply)
that's exactly what he didhis only leg-up was that his old man was a banker, so helped him get a mortgage. the rest he did himself. when he had 10 houses, he asked my dad to go in with him. my dad said no thanks, he'd stick to banking.
well done dad.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:00,
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My mate Baz did thisHe now owns about 25 houses
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:04,
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you've got to be ready to take a lot of shitesp if you let to students. and you need to pick your area and your property wisely. but if you get all that right, profit.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:06,
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He is looking at giving up work completely soonto run his property empire. His apartment in the south of France is very nice too
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:08,
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*turns green with envy*and gamma radiation, obv.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:28,
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for £5 I got an enormous roast pork bap from the marketand you got roasted celery.
There's clearly only one winner here.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:48,
Reply)
there is something inherently filthy about "enormous roast pork bap"i didn't JUST get roasted celery! i got fresh spicy penne with parmesan and lots of roasted vegetables. so I WIN.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:49,
Reply)
It was a jalapeño focacciastuffed with shredded roast pork from a hog roast, lettuce, onion, rocket, jalapeños, apple sauce, barbecue sauce, and hot sweet chili sauce.
OM NOM NOM.
If I want a lingering taste of parmesan in my mouth I'll simply remove my shoes while sitting at my desk.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:54,
Reply)
i am hearing 50 shades of wrongmeat and sweet stuff? fuck that nasty shit.
the bread sounds nice, i'll just have that toasted with a bit of butter or houmous, ta.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:55,
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Aside from the jalapeños, that sounds excellent.(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:17,
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yeah, they weren't even that hot(
The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:28,
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It's not the heat that bothers me, I simply don't like the taste of them(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:31,
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Focaccia eating that again there'll be trouble.(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:33,
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Bizarrely as an IT chappie I dont mind doing admin or documentationBRAINWRONG
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:41,
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My attention to detail is appalling I'm sure yoiu'll be surprised to hear(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:41,
Reply)
*drops monocle*I say, what?
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:43,
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it's sooo tediousI'm more ofa creative sort, an ideas man*
*ie useless
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:44,
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[BOX].............................................................................................. Ape(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:45,
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If you'd kept the spaff out of the box in the first place you'd be getting more box.Harsh lesson there, NA.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:57,
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indeed, I'm sure you'll want a cete of your own at some point?(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:00,
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Oh, a badger thing?right so.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:06,
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Best thing is when you get a good result that you know is something that's never been done before.Worst - internal politics. Shit support services. Having to do all your own admin, finance and HR stuff because those departments are useless.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:43,
Reply)
Internal politics is great(!)
I love pissing all over it by emailing the correct people rather than the tactical people. I dont do politics
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:45,
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You ain't seen nothing until you've played the "academic backstabbing game"Joy.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:47,
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We go for the Communist approach with customersAll are equal, just some more than others
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:48,
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I just refuse to go to meetings until they stop behaving like toddlersthis can be hard to get across to 60 year old professors, but we're getting there.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:56,
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you should grow some blood cells with tiny little cocks(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:57,
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"It was the best of times, and the worst of times, in sporter's mum"(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:55,
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And as Sporter's Mum looked from man to pig and pig to man, she licked her lips. (, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:57, Reply)
i once stood outside of a conference dressed as a hawk It was ridiculous
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Lisette von Falcon, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:59,
Reply)
there was a guy dressed as a cock wandering around hammersmith tube station the other nightit was a campaign to get men to check their prostates.
niiiiiiice.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:00,
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One day we'll bum into each in Hammersmith broadway and never even know it...(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:01,
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it's wholly possiblei am quite near hammersmith, so am there about once a month, maybe....
.... for the bummings, like
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:04,
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*checks prostate**sniffs finger*
You've got "check my prostate" written all over your face.
(, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:02, Reply)
sooner or later, you'll run out of room on my face(
rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:04,
Reply)
http://hub.tv-ark.org.uk/images/itvyorkshire/yorkshire_images/programmes/getupandgo_2.jpg(, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:11, Reply)
i clicked "i like this" by mistakei feel dirty now.
penis penis. a big pink papier mache penis, with massive black crayola pubes. it was striking.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:07,
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She had a wide on like the blackwall tunnel(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:11,
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Hang on...Are they saying you should check your prostate with a cock?
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:22,
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I could tell you some of the things I have to do in my jobbut I suspect most of you are having your lunch, so I doubt I'd be thanked for it. Emptying autoclave buckets when the samples have leaked in to them is probably the worst - scooping out a delightful mix of superheated stinking shit, urine, blood, agar and melted plastic whilst trying not to retch so hard you actually vomit your own insides up?
(, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:03, Reply)
You mentioned this yesterday as wellanyone would think you had something on your mind. I have to wear a labcoat, if that helps?
(, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:19, Reply)
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Autoclaves leaking shit off the shoulder of Orion. I watched western blots glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like a poorly-stained gel.
Time to die
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:09,
Reply)
fucks sakewhy did they have to label the things in the picture?
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-birmingham-18719962
(, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:15, Reply)
To help Nakers understand what is going on.(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:18,
Reply)
It is a large pressure vesseldesigned to be heated either electrically or with steam to around 121 degrees to sterilise materials and equipment.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:17,
Reply)
Because we're working with typhoid samplesyou have to work with them in a special containment lab to prevent people (lab workers, general public etc) from becoming contaminated with the bacteria and spreading the infection. We generate a lot of infectious waste which has to be autoclaved, ie, the bacteria have to be killed (by a combination of high temperature and pressure) before it can leave the lab.
(, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:23, Reply)
just spray bit with some Domestos, it kills 99.9% of germs DEAD(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:24,
Reply)
and even the 99.9% bit is just them being cautiousit's probably 100%
(, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:26, Reply)
berk works with the 0.1%(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:26,
Reply)
It's cheaper to use an autoclave than cover everything with bleach.(, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:28, Reply)
spraying with your own piss would kill at least 99.9% of germs dead.However, since your average square metre of surface has hundreds of millions, if not hundreds of billions of bacteria on it, killing 99.9% of them is a bit like pissing into a hurricane. Killing 99.9% of a billion germs still leaves a million quite happy. And those million are probably quite resistant to domestos, so they'll grow up in a day or two to another billion bacteria, only these ones are hardier.
Don't mean to worry you, of course. But you are going to die.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:28,
Reply)
sometime. probably when you least expect it.(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:32,
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haha, nice(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:32,
Reply)
Because we have to sterile kill any samples that may contain live cellsbefore we dispose of them. So generally we autoclave pretty much everything before we chuck it. Sometimes bags burst if they haven't been set up properly.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:24,
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Woah. Steady Q. Didn't see that there.(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:21,
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After being forced to do that sort of thing, I'd imagine having Tennis Fella's face baring down on you...... With the exact same expssion on his face as he got when trying to re-enter the the vents in facility on goldeneye......wouldn't be so bad.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:37,
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Best is getting shitfaced on company budgetWorst is being the only person to have learned several parts of the business, meaning I have to train others in them.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:18,
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how long does it take to teach Northerners to change a toner cartridge?CAn you get a GNVQ in it?
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:21,
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More along the lines of working round the software that we have to use to deal with other companiesParticularly our CRM software, piece of shit that it is.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:22,
Reply)
CRM is the biggest waste of time any company can.. er, thingwe don't use one, and things run much more smoothly... er from it
(, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:25, Reply)
worse than that is when you're training that person to then take your job, or be your manager even though they know way less than you do.
(, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:23, Reply)
I had to stay behind ten minutes after I should have finished once.(
Kroney, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:22,
Reply)
And what was the worst thing?(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 14:24,
Reply)
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