I just nipped to the loo/john/head/lavvy/bog/toilet/khazi/powder room (for the laydeez and Stunned)
ambled up to the urinal unzipping, then kept paying attention to that area until I got going to ensure I didn't piss on my hands/shoes/trousers. Once fully underway I looked up to see the large OUT OF ORDER sign at eye level. Fortunately I was able to clamp down and shuffle along to the next one as nobody else was present.

Tell us about the time you missed the obvious signs of something?

Alt: Ever pissed on yourself? Stood next to someone who has? Piss anecdotes, basically.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:21, 144 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

If you don't change the subject line to 'I just nipped to the john' then I refuse to contribute.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:23, Reply)

I doubt you'll be the only whinger so I've covered my bases

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:24, Reply)

khazi?
can we have khazi?
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:25, Reply)

Spooky khazi?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:26, Reply)

kama

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:27, Reply)

Your wish is my command

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:29, Reply)

I walked straight in to a door the other day,
despite the large "use other door" sign.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:24, Reply)

Those fucking paddy pubs where the gents/ladies have gaelic names on them
are retarded. What if - crazy at it sounds at the 'O'Murphy's HQ', some people - just a tiny minority, but some all the same, SOME English people do not know very much Gaelic.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:28, Reply)

you silly boy.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:29, Reply)

Spooky boy.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:31, Reply)

I had the dreaded "double-streamer" a few weeks ago
Requires careful aiming
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:26, Reply)

Because you had just had a wank?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:27, Reply)

Well dur

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:28, Reply)

The old Ghostbusters piss.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:28, Reply)

I was cross at the streams, I can tell you

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:31, Reply)

psychochomp, if you haven't been banned please post
if you've been banned i'll be right properly annoyed
(quintsy, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:28, Reply)

it's ok, he's on /talk

(quintsy, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:29, Reply)

ffs, stfu
he's about to fuck off and leave us in blissful peace, why would you ruin it?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:31, Reply)

because as much as i think he's insufferably dull
he has every right to say whatever he wants on a messageboard without some prick banning him or censoring what he says, whether it's true or amusing
(quintsy, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:33, Reply)

you know he'll log out to read that
and then go screaming and sobbing to the mods because you dissed him, right?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:34, Reply)

he can do whatever he likes, i don't like the idea of mods banning people for being mean online

(quintsy, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:36, Reply)

sensitivity has no place here
anyway, he's shit-dull. let's get back to what happened with your titless babe, babe?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:39, Reply)

nothing happened, what's it to yer?

(quintsy, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:39, Reply)

oh damn
i just enjoy the tang of your salty tears, that's all
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:40, Reply)

If you're single, she's interested.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:40, Reply)

i can't go out with rachelswipe, my... er (gets shotgun from rifle cabinet), mum just died
(cocks shotgun and heads to the WI)
(quintsy, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:42, Reply)

again with the dead mum jokes?
you'll be sorry when mamma makes dolmio no more
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:43, Reply)

at least this one was about MY mum
but actually, yes I am single, and NO, I'm not interested
(quintsy, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:44, Reply)

i give it a week
before you're begging her to take you back
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:45, Reply)

nah, it's all been fairly amicable and we're both grown-ups
i sort of felt the need to email her earlier to say thanks for everything, but couldn't word it in a way that didn't make it seem like I was saying she was an unhinged mental case

so i decided to leave it
(quintsy, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:46, Reply)

ignore her and she'll be back
and if all else fails, there's always "secrets" or "spearmint rhino".
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:49, Reply)

i don't think you understand how break-ups work, swipe

(quintsy, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:49, Reply)

i understand how your break-ups work
you come on here and say you're single, then a couple of days later you come back and say you're not. but if your serenading doesn't work this time, you can go and see some strippers, who will like you for money. what's not to like about my suggestion?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:55, Reply)

i'll admit she's broken it off a couple of times before recently
but she's been getting worse and we'll both be happier out of each other's lives.

simple enough?
(quintsy, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:58, Reply)

i don't want a sensible answer, you selfish prick

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:59, Reply)

STOP TALKING ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE ON THE INTERNET
etc
(quintsy, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:01, Reply)

is this where you gaz the mods about me?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:01, Reply)

i've gazzed psychogay and told him to double-dump you
(psychogay is what i will now call your homo ex because psychochomp is also your ex)
(quintsy, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:05, Reply)

i said MOD
not SPOD
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:06, Reply)

you're never single with schizophrenia

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:42, Reply)

ive not been banned

(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:31, Reply)

did you delete the thing in the last thread?

(quintsy, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:32, Reply)

oh so now i've defended you you've put me on ignore, eh?
prick
(quintsy, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:39, Reply)

if you speak to someone on the phone, even if you speak to them a LOT
and they exhibit signs of pikeyness, don't be surprised when you meet them and they turn out to be a pikey chav.

alt: yes - i just typed the story, but decided i could share too much. so i deleted it.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:30, Reply)

POST IT

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:31, Reply)

it's pretty shameful
although in my defence i was sick, sick as a dawg
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:33, Reply)

DO IT

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:33, Reply)

it was a dark and stormy night
and i was ill. properly, shakingly, bone-achingly ill. but i had to get the train down to london because i was the only person in my team who was working new years eve (for an hour, pretty fucking pointless, but still). and i needed a piss. it took me about an hour to creak my way to the toilet.

only after pissing for a bit did i realise all was not well. the lid was still down. and yet i was still pissing.

i had no clean clothes with me. i had to bin my pants, wash everything else as best i could in the crappy sink, then squelch back to my seat and sit in soaking wet jeans for the rest of the journey. fucking hideous low point.

thanks for making me share.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:36, Reply)

hahahaha!
I'm pleased you did, missy pissy pants
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:38, Reply)

i am cringing at the memory
i am the only one of my friends who would never ever piss anywhere in public, however drunk i got. so for that to happen was.... urgh.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:40, Reply)

That is sooo hot.
I have never been so aroused.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:39, Reply)

bullshit
i've seen you with monty
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:41, Reply)

Apart from that.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:42, Reply)

I was going to say.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:53, Reply)

Fur coat, piss-soaked knickers.
All fucking class.
( Kroney, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:41, Reply)

what part of "bin my pants"
did you not get?

judging everyone by your own standards...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:41, Reply)

slightly shivering
look of naughty shame on her face.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:42, Reply)

if only you'd been there
you could have caught it all in your mouth, everyone wins.

well, except maybe society.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:44, Reply)

this is pretty retarded

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:44, Reply)

i was ILL!
the worst thing was how long it took me to realise (i) that something was Wrong and (ii) what that Something was
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:45, Reply)

I've been ill lots of times
and not pissed myself once. Just saying.
( Kroney, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:51, Reply)

yes but
you think it's ok to walk around with a face like that, so.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:55, Reply)

I'd have been shocked by this story if I didn't already know you were a Manc.

( Kroney, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:58, Reply)

rubbish
you've already wanked yourself to a sweaty, salty little stub over it
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:01, Reply)

I heard they call him Eric behind his back
cdn2.mamapop.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/Eric-stoltz-mask.jpg
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:59, Reply)

this is blocked here
but if you imagine a hairy frenchman shitting out an acid baguette, that's what he looks like
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:01, Reply)

google Eric Stoltz - Mask

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:01, Reply)

far too fit

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:02, Reply)

:( My mum says i'm handsome

( Kroney, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:03, Reply)

Your mum says I'm handsome

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:04, Reply)

My mum has shitty taste in men

( Kroney, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:08, Reply)

i'm handsome do me harder son, we've got time before your bro gets home
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:04, Reply)

Good work on proving to me that you're not a scally, here.

( Kroney, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:08, Reply)

hey, i've never done my own sons or brothers
i'd totally do the ex's brother though. HOT.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:11, Reply)

I once pissed in a bog that wasn't actually plumbed in at a friend of a friend's house

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:30, Reply)

when i was a letting agent
the workmen used to do this all the time. the joiners would happily use the toilet, knowing that the plumbers would come in afterwards and have to plumb it in. rank.

although now i come to think about the logistics of their tales, wouldn't the piss just spill out of the empty pipes? hmmm.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:32, Reply)

Yes it does
Straight out of the back
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:33, Reply)

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:36, Reply)

dear god man
get rid get rid get rid
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:37, Reply)

Haha

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:39, Reply)

it looks like you at the last bash!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:40, Reply)

only taller

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:40, Reply)

i was sitting down
so it's hard to tell
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:41, Reply)

Difficult to stand for that long when you're that fat I guess.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:44, Reply)

i know but my new reinforced wheelchair of steel hasn't arrived yet

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:46, Reply)

When it does our bullets cannot harm you

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:59, Reply)

sticks and stones may break my bones
but bullets will fuck me right up
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:00, Reply)

too obscure
batfink, it was.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:04, Reply)

It sure was.
A great show.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:17, Reply)

You should have seen me later on after I'd been with the lesbians.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:41, Reply)

there is a picture of jimmy savile in his gold pants, smoking a cigar
i imagine it looked a LOT like that
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:42, Reply)

If you put the picture down and walked 25 feet away from it before looking at it.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:52, Reply)

perspective jokes aside
that is still the only way to look at it. wish i'd done that the first time.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:55, Reply)

Something something banjolele something

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:56, Reply)

Beatles worst b side ever

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:57, Reply)

So I was with this girl once and she said she liked being peed on
so I did. Turns out she only thought she did and almost immediately went stop stop stop but you know once you pop you can't, so I pissed all over her teddies.
( Kroney, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:35, Reply)

Worst episode of Play School ever

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:37, Reply)

Hahahaha. Teddies.
I did this to your Mum once and it only cost me a Megadrive.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:37, Reply)

So you wrapped her in a binbag and threw her in a Welsh river?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:38, Reply)

And it was too good for her, the frigid, piss-soaked bitch.

( Kroney, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:55, Reply)

I just went for a piss, true story
it was uneventfull
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:35, Reply)

I just did and it was brown and smelt like the milk from a bowl of sugar puffs.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:38, Reply)

Your arse is on back to front
Hope this helps, kthnx
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:39, Reply)

oh no I still have half a packet of Sugar puffs to get through
Frosties milk is the best post cereal milk
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:40, Reply)

I'm off out again now,
dunno if i'll be back later, just wanted to say, I hope you all have a super evening.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:36, Reply)

Missing you already!

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:39, Reply)

p.s. that whole thing was a ploy to stop quint 2.0 ing me .
So I could ignore him and therefore be the winner.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:39, Reply)

of course it was sweetheart

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:40, Reply)

FOILED AGAIN

(quintsy, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:40, Reply)

said the fencer to the bishop

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:41, Reply)

it's ok, i still have the baroness on ignore
so who is the real winner now, eh?
(quintsy, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:43, Reply)

Always you Q, always you

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:47, Reply)

BTPC

(quintsy, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:47, Reply)

Binary Tree Predictive Coding ?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:48, Reply)

better than psychochomp

(quintsy, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:49, Reply)

\o/

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:51, Reply)

Michael - for a couple more weeks, at least.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:52, Reply)

Terminlol illness!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:55, Reply)

wtf are you on about?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:56, Reply)

Michael Winner is about to die.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:57, Reply)

great news!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:59, Reply)

calm down dear, it's only a funeral!

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:01, Reply)

I am ashamed to have chuckled. ASHAMED.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:05, Reply)

I hope you're not wishing him death?

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:27, Reply)

Course I am. Juden innit?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:30, Reply)

There are no winners with 2.0

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:50, Reply)

out of interest though
when i had PC on ignore could he see my thing on the /Questions page? kind of negates ignore if he could
(quintsy, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:51, Reply)

I'd guess not
but you'd need to ask him to be sure - difficult with 2.0.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:56, Reply)

it's not really, he was logging out and replying to me when i ahd him on ignore, and right now i'm doing the same

(quintsy, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 15:58, Reply)

Well, there's an image I really didn't need today.
Back when I was doing my A Levels in '92, my teachers kept telling me about how fantastic it was that we were going to have Free Trade in Europe, and anyone with a foreign language could just waltz about making money hand over fist.

I missed the obvious signs that they were LYING to me.

Alt: no, I don't think so. I did once get caught checking out some girl's arse in the massive mirrors at the airport toilets. So I guess I'm a massive dikey letch.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:00, Reply)

we had a contest once, to see who could pinch the most guys' arses (in our defence, we were 17 and on holiday)
i both won and lost, when my 21st victim turned round and it was a woman...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:02, Reply)

+called Kroney

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:04, Reply)

I'm not scissoring with her
she'd likely let go and piss on me. She's got a habit of doing that, I hear.
( Kroney, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:11, Reply)

Nonsense
You'd love a clam slam with swipe
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:12, Reply)

he's offered to pay me on numerous occasions

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:14, Reply)

but it went to tribunal

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:17, Reply)

The only thing I'd pay with would be my dignity.
And shame. And self-loathing. Quite a lot of things, really.
( Kroney, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:20, Reply)

You'd be a Sticky Vichy

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:32, Reply)

I'm only kidding
I'd kick her shitbox right in.
( Kroney, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:42, Reply)

The mistake you made was waltzing into Weston Super Mare
I don't think a lot of European trade takes place there.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:03, Reply)

Good horses though

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:04, Reply)

Haha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:07, Reply)

Quite a bit of rough trade though.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:04, Reply)

No, that's on Brick Lane.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:06, Reply)

+rs

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:13, Reply)

You can go off people, you know,,,

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:29, Reply)

i've been holding in a pee for 2 hours for no good reason

(quintsy, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:46, Reply)

That's not good for your kidneys, brah.
You should go to the john pronto.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 16:49, Reply)