so pistorius' girlfriend locked the toilet door when it was just her and her boyfriend and he mistook her for a burglar
what's the worst excuse you've ever given/been given?

alt: what item of clothing is a fashion faux-pas?

altalt: would you rather be horrifically ugly or desperately stupid?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:14, 170 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

"Oh i didn't get that email, it must be in the system somewhere"
alt: square toed shoes, no, no no, no NO.

altalt: uggers I eckon
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:17, Reply)

was that the email inviting me to your birthday party?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:18, Reply)

yeah must have been
whatevs you are always having secret bashes without me, and I'm practically your neighbor :(
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:19, Reply)

barnes is ok
i will accept that as a nearly neighbour
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:20, Reply)

how kind, got to be better than your actual neighbor West Kensington

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:22, Reply)

nothing wrong with BC
it's hammersmith and acton that we shun. oh, and shepherds minge.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:23, Reply)

Fulham's a grothole too.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:24, Reply)

I bet all of these places are better than Weston fucking super Mare.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:25, Reply)

Homs, is better than WSM

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:26, Reply)

it's not known as the "U-bend" of London for nothing
and it's full to the brim with tossers
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:25, Reply)

East London is where it's happening these days
My flat purchase is dragging on and fucking on. I've taken to torturing myself by looking at other places on Zoopla and Rightmove.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:37, Reply)

Too true, and SE eventually
basically the money spreads out-woods from the current affluent areas.

*awaits dressing down by rory*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:39, Reply)

I could be paying 10K less per tube stop I move east, it looks like
crossing the river seems to knock 20-30K off too.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:21, Reply)

AltAlt: Stupid.
Be nice to have the set.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:18, Reply)

^this
Also, stupid people don't seem to care that they're stupid. Those of us that fell out of the ugly tree are constantly bemoaning the fact.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:22, Reply)

You're not though
The above post is either theoretical, satirical or bollocks
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:29, Reply)

Alt: anything worn by Dozer.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:18, Reply)

i have a new turquoise blouse
i thought of him when i put it on
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:20, Reply)

Have you got a new job at the leisure centre?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:21, Reply)

no, it's jade green really
very classy
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:22, Reply)

Jade green is nowhere close to turquoise.
Are you colourblind?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:23, Reply)

That would explain why she denies her gingeriness

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:38, Reply)

Turquoise must clash terribly with her ginger hair.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:23, Reply)

+ touched myself

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:21, Reply)

speak for yourself

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:23, Reply)

He probably was.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:24, Reply)

Is the photo on FB of the bloke with the dog your old man?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:26, Reply)

as in father or husband>?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:26, Reply)

Yup.
And with that, I'm out.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:28, Reply)

Alt: Glasses if you don't need glasses
Don't fucking mock our condition you well-seeing cunts.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:20, Reply)

that kind of falls into the stupid category too

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:22, Reply)

I once got a bit of pencil lead stuck in my ear as a child.
I calimed someone else must have put it there as they walked past.

alt: everything I wear. shoes with no socks skeeve me out.

altalt: no choice needed I'll stick with ugly, it's served me well so far.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:25, Reply)

"I can't see you again, I've become a born again Christian"
In my defence, she was the size of a fucking house.

Alt: Beanie caps.

AltAlt: Seen as Ape is both, can I be neither?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:28, Reply)

Nuthin wrong witha beanie, useless it's one of those baggy octopus head ones
EDIT: also, Oi!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:29, Reply)

Haha

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:04, Reply)

I'd rather try out hot and stupid.
I've done ugly and clever, it's not what it's cracked up to be.

Sure, it's great being able to do sums and know long words and that, but sometimes you just want some gash.
( Kroney, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:28, Reply)

EPIC CLICK
Or EPCLICK
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:30, Reply)

you're a fucking prettyboy too.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:31, Reply)

'twould be churlish of me to dispute your kind words
so thank you
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:35, Reply)

sometimes lad I think you could do with a good dose of self confidence.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:42, Reply)

And you'd be right mate
Absolutely spot on. Unfortunately those inconsiderate cunts at Tesco have yet to start stocking it in easily consumable form. Except the kind that leaves your body in a stream of orange, chunky liquid via the mouth.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:44, Reply)

yup. sad but true.
I do wish you lived a bit closer to civilisation. Might be up your way for a LARP with Cavy in June will have to see about a drink.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:47, Reply)

If you ever set foot within the borders of Norfolk I expect you to hit me up sir

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:50, Reply)

Get a room you pair of queerhawks

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:53, Reply)

jealousy is such an ugly emotion.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:55, Reply)

hmmm, other side of Norwich
near Thetford.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:54, Reply)

That's not so far
I mean, it is, but it's a hell of a lot closer than London. Beer shall be had.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:56, Reply)

seems close to littleport too, where I have friends.
might see if I can come up a day early and see them and you. weekend of the 21st in any event.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:58, Reply)

21st March I do believe I'm about
Do let me know, old boy
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:00, Reply)

June, you penis.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:10, Reply)

I've met you, you're not ugly
or that clever
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:31, Reply)

Alt:Do tattoos count?
Specifically, excessive tattooing in lieu of personality
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:34, Reply)

says the mental haired, piercing advocate...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:36, Reply)

Yeah, but
hair can be cut, and redyed. Piercings come out and heal over. I'm all for tattoos if they're well-judged, but not when your rationale is "all my mates have got one"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:37, Reply)

Never understood the appeal of a tattoo.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:38, Reply)

I'm sure there are many people who could explain it better than me

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:43, Reply)

Nobody's trying to though

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:49, Reply)

In my case, I was young and stupid
and thought I knew what I'd want for the rest of my life. Thank god it's only small.

THE TATTOO
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:51, Reply)

what is it? and where is it?
put up a picture
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:52, Reply)

Mandarin symbol, on my hip, just to the left of my gentleman's area. Told you I was stupid.
And no.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:55, Reply)

Are you a girl?
you are stupid
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:56, Reply)

If it's not that
it's the fannies on Facebook who just constantly post links of people with tattoos.

Yes it's all very well posting a picture of a ball-achingly hot woman with a tattoo - she'd be ball-achingly hot without the tattoo.

The grim reality is that most tats are worn by massive housewhales who want to 'express their individuality' by getting a fucking tramp stamp - just like everyone else.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:43, Reply)

yes and many tattoed people would agree with you.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:38, Reply)

The one I get a thousand times daily was 'but I didn't change anything it just stopped working'
alt: HATS INDOORS

altalt: I'll be both ta, you don't tell me what to do.
( Theoban What of it, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:38, Reply)

ahh, you work in IT then.
alt: see also scarves.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:44, Reply)

Today's my favourite of days, patch day
Where everyone gets 'poor performance since the patch' and 'it was ok until the patch'
mmmmmmm
alt: Yes, outdoor wear. It's bloomin' rude.
( Theoban What of it, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:47, Reply)

noting ever works after upgrades :o(

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:48, Reply)

Yeah, we're all disappointed that after your name upgrade
you're still the same shit old Nakers underneath.
( Kroney, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:56, Reply)

nice analogy

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:57, Reply)

And sunglasses...

Pricks.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:18, Reply)

"I'm definitely putting my password in right, but it just won't accept it".
Either you're lying, or too stupid to type, or machines have become self-aware and instead of trying to destroy the greatest threat to the world, that of humanity, they've taken to playing petty practical jokes.
( Kroney, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:44, Reply)

or you've failed to notice the little green Caps Lock light.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:48, Reply)

I do get it to a certain degree
To most people computers are like magic boxes
But then so are cars and they never start arguments with mechanics
Probably cos they're 25 stone and holding a wrench at the time.
( Theoban What of it, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:49, Reply)

People are stupid enough to argue with mechanics and builders and plumbers etc.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:51, Reply)

Really? I always thought they were the kind of person you treat with a sort of shy worshipfulness
Anyone who fixes stuff for me is to be adored and given whatever they desire, lest they fuck it up and then I'll never get X fixed
( Theoban What of it, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:52, Reply)

See, I wouldn't mind
but then they start arguing with the magic box wizard about how the magic box works. Stop arguing with me and just do what I tell you to do.
( Kroney, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:52, Reply)

Now I may not know much about computers
But it worked fine before you 'patched' it. I thought the purpose of a patch was to make it better? Even a layman can see you fucked it up. Admit it, you fucked it up didn't you. I'm cancelling my subscription.
( Theoban What of it, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:53, Reply)

We got this after the Windows 7 migration.
The OS has a far larger footprint, is far more resource intensive than XP and was being installed on the same machines.

"I thought it was going to be faster :("
( Kroney, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:55, Reply)

But why would a normal person know any of that footprint shit?
i've said it before and I'll say it again, we just want it to work, we don't care how or why.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:58, Reply)

Well, a normal person would listen to me tell them that it had all of that
that is was the same machine, that it'd got replaced because MS was removing support for XP so we had no choice and we'd never said at any point it'd be faster and then not thrown a fucking tantrum.

I can only surmise that we don't have normal people working for us and therefore I treat them with the contempt they deserve.
( Kroney, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:00, Reply)

basically your company was too tight to upgrade the hardware to go with the software?
I've got this shizzle nailed
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:05, Reply)

Nah, they're on a three year lease.
Makes sense because you don't have to actually buy the machines. Like a phone contract, except you send the phone back when you get your "free" upgrade.
( Kroney, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:09, Reply)

It took me 17 minutes this morning to turn my computer on and load the stuff I need to do work
FIX IT
( Theoban What of it, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:06, Reply)

you need to clean up your desktop, clean out your inbox, delete your account and kill yourself.

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:07, Reply)

JAPES

( Theoban What of it, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:08, Reply)

"I've been snowed under with work - sorry, not got round to it yet".
Low-slung jeans with the crotch beneath the knees and elasticated legs. It looks like they were designed for people who habitually shit themselves in public.

I prefer to plod the middle path of neither ugly nor hot and neither stupid nor brainbox.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:48, Reply)

How confident are you that you're on that middle path?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:50, Reply)

Whether I'm on the middle path or not isn't the issue
I at least think I am.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:51, Reply)

Monty has a pair of those.

( Kroney, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:57, Reply)

for srs?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:00, Reply)

Yeah. They're called carrot cut, or something. You know, like bootcut?
I've never seen them but I'm willing to place money that they look even more ridiculous on an elderly tramp than they do on a 16 year old chav.
( Kroney, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:02, Reply)

carrott and boot are noting alike, hth

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:03, Reply)

No, I just meant that it was a type of style. Not that they were physically similar.
God, Nakers. Come on, man.
( Kroney, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:07, Reply)

I thought he wore 'jeggings'
I felt slightly queasy just typing that.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:04, Reply)

I had a student who wrote a page and a half story
about an encounter with a goldfish monster as an excuse for late work. I was too impressed to tell him off

altalt: I'm kinda both. In this scenario does one get to be pretty or clever? I'd take either right now.
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 16:53, Reply)

Once when I was in a lecture a chap walked in twenty minutes late
The lecturer was notorious for calling out latecomers so the received wisdom was, if you're late, stay away. Audible intake of breath as the doors opened. No excuse was forthcoming, however, as said gent wandered down to the front row, wearing a dressing gown and carrying a bowl of cereal.

The bastard lecturer studied him in silence for a minute before saying "Alright, stand up and take your applause".
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:00, Reply)

Ha ha.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:02, Reply)

Oh man i miss my waqqi student days!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:02, Reply)

haha
my friend used to use the excuse 'slow muesli' for being late to lectures
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:03, Reply)

I won't cum in your mouth.
Alt: Anything I wear.

Alt alt: I am gorgeous and intelligent. This question is for other people.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:06, Reply)

do you have to shop at a special shop for big people?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:07, Reply)

Yes he does. It's called Deacons.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:09, Reply)

like rory he's not fat
just super rank
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:17, Reply)

So the worst excuse *you've* ever heard is "I won't cum in your mouth?"
The implication is that they then did cum in your mouth.

Haha, Stunned gives suck jobs to sailors.
( Kroney, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:12, Reply)

POTD

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:13, Reply)

i didn't know that's what marine insurance meant

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:17, Reply)

in case of loss or accident I, the underwriter (stunned poster) will suck off the entire crew as compensation

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:20, Reply)

I imagine he didn't explain it very well
through all the sailor-cock he was gobbling.
( Kroney, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:24, Reply)

I keep reading his name as Osteo Perosis
It's not you, it's me.

Alt. Corderoy flares and paisley shirts

Alt.Alt. I reckon you'd have an easier life being pretty but dumb.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:11, Reply)

Single at thirty?
What do you think
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:19, Reply)

better single
than stuck to a cunt
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:20, Reply)

I gone and got a wife, mortgage and child by my 30th. I sometimes feel i swung too far the other way

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:21, Reply)

nah, just kidding it's awesome

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:24, Reply)

Single at 32.
Wind your neck in love, eh?
( Kroney, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:23, Reply)

So Kronely :(
\ac
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:24, Reply)

Cool I'm not quite as lonely as Kroney
Just gotta get a bird within 10 months
( Theoban What of it, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:25, Reply)

get yourself a flame haired maiden from the West coast

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:26, Reply)

My last girlfriend was from the West coast
NEVER AGAIN
( Theoban What of it, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:27, Reply)

well your on the right track for that

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:28, Reply)

I could get a girlfriend if I wanted
I have my own butter
Women like butter
( Theoban What of it, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:28, Reply)

lurpack is their favorite i believe

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:29, Reply)

Cor the days I used to spend down the Cross Keys
Idly spending my afternoons rubbing St Ivel Gold into a tart's tits.
Good times
( Theoban What of it, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:30, Reply)

This is about where swipe comes bouncing in
with a "lol Kroney's married, Kroney's married" level post.
( Kroney, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:27, Reply)

You're married?

( Theoban What of it, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:29, Reply)

No, I'm seeing somebody.
Occasionally.
( Kroney, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:30, Reply)

There should be a newsletter for this shit

( Theoban What of it, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:30, Reply)

"Stuff Going on That Nobody Really Cares About" Issue 34
Contents
page 1: Obscure musical outfits with Dozer and Monty
page 14: CAR CHAT!
page 32: Naked Ape
page 33: Mid range poster's love lives
page 34: LUNCH!
page 467:

etc etc
( Kroney, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:34, Reply)

Better than Kunt and the Gang

( Theoban What of it, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:35, Reply)

somebody married?

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:31, Reply)

Yeah Yeah………I get all comfy
Poured myself a beer only to find YOU FUCKERS HAVE ALL GONE
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 17:44, Reply)