great philosophical questions
someone pointed out to me the other night that, if you got poo on any other part of your body, no way would you be satisfied just scrubbing it off with toilet paper. i think he had a point. do you?

alt: if toast always lands buttered side down, and cats always land on their feet... what happens if you tie a piece of buttery toast to the back of a cat, and chuck it down the stairs (or through a window)?

altalt: what philosophical questions perplex you? let OT answer them...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:11, 107 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

altalt: I simply cannot get my head around the old
'if a tree falls down in a forest and there's no one there to hear it, has it made a sound?' one.

YES IT HAS. I cannot fathom how anyone can get a discussion out of this question. In fact it makes me really rather cross.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:14, Reply)

ahhhh
but how could you PROVE it?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:16, Reply)

Record the sound remotely.
Play it back.
Hear the sound.

That's THE SOUND THAT IT MADE. That sound.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:18, Reply)

IT MADE A SOUND.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:19, Reply)

TREES FALLING DOWN MAKE SOUNDS.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:19, Reply)

but how can you define a "sound" if nobody is there to take account of it?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:20, Reply)

Vibrations that travel through the air or another medium and can be heard when they reach a person's or animal's ear.
Due to recording technology you can hear this sound whilst not being present.

I did it this morning. I listened to Jimi Hendrix playing the guitar and on my life he was not on the bus playing it. Incroyable.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:24, Reply)

hmmmm
so if the ghost of jimi hendrix plays his guitar and noone is there to hear it, do the translucent pale white strings make a sound?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:27, Reply)

So now Herman's fucking Hermits are on this bus too?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:28, Reply)

where was it going?
something good?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:37, Reply)

The original of that song is great.
It's The Cookies who did another great tune 'Don't say nothig bad about my baby'.

You have not been charged for this call.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:40, Reply)

Also, the original version of the Beatles song Chains.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:43, Reply)

An electronic ear is still an ear.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:19, Reply)

and someone had to be there to put the recorder in place

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:19, Reply)

Correct.
And that person then went away, and was therefore NOT THERE TO HEAR IT.

There's no fucking argument here. None at all, stop winding me up.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:22, Reply)

if you were on the witness stand
i would ask you, what is your evidence for asserting that it made a sound? how could you PROVE it?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:24, Reply)

Oh right you are, let's have a live CCTV linkup and watch it happen from ten miles away as well then.
When coupled with the sound recording, you'd be paying my costs before you could say Jack Robinson
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:25, Reply)

you can't do that
a live CCTV link-up is to have the effect of HAVING SOMEONE THERE.

prosecution wins
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:26, Reply)

'to have the effect of'
Not actually being there.

I saw 9/11 on the TV - by your reckoning I was there, yeah?

TAKE HER DOWN
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:30, Reply)

it's a question of construction
i would argue (successfully) that there is an implied term that "hearing" it means by any means necessary, not just physical proximity to said decayed tree
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:38, Reply)

But that's the fucking point.
You ARE hearing it, but you AREN'T present.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:41, Reply)

It is about questioning existence, rather than questioning if falling trees actually make sounds.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:27, Reply)

I know this but it's a badly-phrased question.
That is what irritates me.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:32, Reply)

I blame dumbing down at the BBC.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:35, Reply)

I blame asylum seekers.
You know who has the right ideas about those cunts - that Nigel Tufnel.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:36, Reply)

Nigel Lythgoe is your man

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:37, Reply)

I tell you what, that Nigel Kennedy chap is asking the questions other politicians shy away from.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:40, Reply)

I like how that Nigel Slater is tackling the issue of unlimited migration head on.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:42, Reply)

Another similar one is the old Buddhist 'sound of one hand clapping' phrase.
That's all very mystical - except that, you pricks, I can clap with one hand and have therefore heard the sound of one hand clapping, I did it just now, so fuck off you baldy queers.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:36, Reply)

It really makes you think

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:36, Reply)

It sure does. It makes me think 'you fucking baldy queers'.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:37, Reply)

"no one there to hear it,"

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:20, Reply)

Shut up.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:21, Reply)

Its the difference between noise and sound
The scientist would say that a sound wave has been created but in order for it to be considered a sound then it would need to vibrate a membrane to translate the soundwave into something considered a sound.

Of course they are talking out of their collective arses and we all know that if a tree falls in the woods then it is the fault of the pixies and they have ears
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:33, Reply)

Altalt: I think the most useful and true philosophical statement that I'm aware of comes from Socrates,
and goes along the lines of 'only when you realise you know nothing are you anywhere near approaching wise'. So fucking true.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:16, Reply)

wise not bent
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:17, Reply)

Well my ancient Greek is a little rusty these days so let's go with your version.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:18, Reply)

Why can;t gorillas swim?

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:18, Reply)

BECAUSE THE PARROTS EAT 'EM ALL

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:20, Reply)

Why no pears?

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:21, Reply)

Do pears shit in the woods?

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:21, Reply)

I wasn't convinced
but canitswim.com convinced me

work day ruined
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:21, Reply)

what's the best way to skin a cat?

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:19, Reply)

by choking it to death with butter
easy
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:19, Reply)

Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:20, Reply)

Alt: Cats are able to right themselves as they are falling, toast is not.
Also, toast does not always land buttered side down, it is slightly more likely to.
This is more down to how it falls than some external reason causing it to flip this way.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:25, Reply)

I think it is something to do with
the average height of work surfaces being the ideal for a slice of bread to undertake a 180 degree rotation. This is because as the slice falls it will normally have one edge go first so the rotation is imparted and the height means it gets through 180 prior to impact
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:37, Reply)

We need taller tables.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:38, Reply)

what about battered?

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:41, Reply)

Battered's toast usually lands on the edge.

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:42, Reply)

Battared's toasts are normally in liquid form

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:47, Reply)

To be fair
The slice of toast is so big compared to him he simple uses it as a kitchen lean to and camps out Bear Grylls style, saddling up mice to go hunting.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:49, Reply)

Well, this sure is interesting.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:43, Reply)

I know,
soz
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:46, Reply)

Some Buddist saying or something
"If you think you can be too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a room with a mosquito"
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:27, Reply)

Fucking serene bastards.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:29, Reply)

Battered, take note

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:43, Reply)

Wht does F5 lock my mouse?
Instead of refreshing?
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:31, Reply)

Your computer is broken?

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:32, Reply)

Some Kroney style pranks have been done at your office

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:34, Reply)

Given that the toast thing is mostly random chance
and the cat thing is it consciously righting itself whilst in freefall to land on its feet, I'll go with "cat wins". There is a school of "thought" that insists the toast/cat combination will stop millimetres from the ground and rotate rapidly and perpetually, however they are know-nothing pricks.

The falling tree thing isn't a serious question on whether or not sound ceases to operate when unwitnessed. It's really a question on how you can truly be sure that you know what it sounds like at all. We trust our senses implicitly, but the only evidence we have that they are operating truthfully (ie that the noise a falling tree makes is, in fact, making a creaking, whooshing, crashing noise) is that is always the way they have sounded. We only have our own witness evidence for this and can never have proper independent corroboration because we can never truly hear what somebody else hears. If you record it, you're still only listening to your own interpretation of the noise, you see.

You may not hear the same noise I hear, basically. Therefore, if a tree falls without me hearing it, how can I be sure it made the same sound? I can't, because all I can be sure of is that my ears are telling me that it sounds a certain way. I can never be entirely sure beyond my own conceit that this is the way it sounds at all.

Philosophy. Bunkum.
( Kroney, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:32, Reply)

Exactly
How can we explain people who claim to enjoy the sounds Oasis make?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:34, Reply)

the toast thing isn't random chance at all
it's to do with the average height of a table, which allows for only 1 half of a rotation before the toast hits the ground from a butter side up starting point, thus leading to a higher proportion of butter side down impacts.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:07, Reply)

yeah?
Well, your FACE isn't random chance, either. How'd you like that, huh? Bitch?
( Kroney, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:08, Reply)

i like it just fine

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:09, Reply)

Yeah? Well.....you SHOULDN'T
HAH
( Kroney, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:10, Reply)

ywah well your mumslikes it well enough

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:12, Reply)

I think we all know that she is not fussy.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:13, Reply)

i assumed it was because the buttered side is heavier?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:18, Reply)

its almost like you read my tedious answer
and thought that you would bore people by repeating it
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:23, Reply)

nah, didn't read the thread

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:31, Reply)

altalt
Is man trying to get through Singapore Airlines turnstile sideways going to Bangkok?
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:36, Reply)

Oh fucking hell here come the Confucius 'lolz'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:46, Reply)

For an ancient Chinese scholar he sure knows a lot of modern references.

( Kroney, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:04, Reply)

I think some of them are modern fakes.
I can't prove it, but it's a gut feeling which simply won't go away.

Not unlike an ulcer, or bowel cancer.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:05, Reply)

Alt: It will get to about a foot off the ground and then start to rotate
With the use of tracks and magnets, I reckon you could build a cheap and effective monorail system, powered primarily by dizzy cats and buttered toast.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:43, Reply)

Please see the frenchies answer
this means you are a (and I quote) "a know nothing prick"
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:47, Reply)

Yeah right.
So there I was, minding my own business when this crazy old codger with a cane showed up. He says he's my distant relative. I didn't see any resemblance. So he says, "How would you like to be rich?" So I say, "Sure." So he lays this book on me. He says this book'll tell me the supposed science of strapping buttered toast to the back of a cat. So I say, "What's the catch?" He says, "No catch, just keep it a secret." After that he disappeared. I never saw him again. Oh, and he told me one other thing. He said someday, a crazy wild-eyed scientist or a kid may show up presenting this as a joke. And if that ever happens... [laughs as he pulls out his gun] Funny, I never thought it would be you.
( Kroney, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:51, Reply)

By taping 5 slices of buttered toast all with the butter facing inwards
you could make the first perpetual motion engine
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:52, Reply)

I'd like to tape your face to an angle grinder.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:03, Reply)

you'd like to be his Angel Grinder

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:04, Reply)

:o

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:06, Reply)

I have an angle grinder you are very welcome to borrow for this purpose.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:09, Reply)

do you use it as a waltzer

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:19, Reply)

Altalt: What IS the meaning of life?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:01, Reply)

It is utterly without meaning. I do hope this has answered your question.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:03, Reply)

That's what I suspected.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:05, Reply)

Glad to have cleared that up for you.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:07, Reply)

So how long do suppose it will take for *this* to clear up?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:10, Reply)

Hmmmm

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:23, Reply)

42

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:08, Reply)

There's always one.

( Kroney, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:09, Reply)

I know right?
God i hate the coal eating, paintball blinded, whippet fondling woofter
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:11, Reply)

AHH CANNIT SEE WHEE YEAY ARE TARKING BOOT MAN

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:12, Reply)

There are clearly 42, not 1

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:12, Reply)

fuck right off

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:11, Reply)

That's the answer, not the meaning.

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:11, Reply)

I watched about 45 minutes of taht movie
it genuinely was the worst thing I've seen in a very long time
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:14, Reply)

The books are a load of pratchttesque smug self-congratulatory smartarse shit and all.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:27, Reply)

The original radio show
and to a certain extent the early 80's tv show were both very good.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:40, Reply)

No they weren't.
I remember both quite clearly - they were fucking gash.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 15:01, Reply)

Please die

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:26, Reply)

its ok he will get the bad aids soon enough

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:39, Reply)