So, this lunchtime, I got front-ended by a dick in a Maserati.
When was the last time YOU were involved in a hilarious double entendre?
I was expecting some kind of spivvy city boy, but the guy who was driving it was dressed like Monty, and looked about as affluent.

Alt: So, how've *you* been?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 12 Jun 2013, 14:51, 159 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

i told my boss that he had "a big one coming" but i was talking about a caseload
alt: meh.

pondering how to spend my ill-gotten gains on amazon. they sell too much; i can't make that decision.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 14:56, Reply)

I can spend it no problem

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 14:56, Reply)

Sorry Sport, I think they're out of stock of 'One Pound Fish'

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 14:59, Reply)

lol

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:00, Reply)

You could give it to me.


oo-err
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 12 Jun 2013, 14:56, Reply)

You could purchase me a years supply of razor blades
and still have £140 left.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:02, Reply)

ATTENTION AL...ATTENTION AL...
No one gives 2 shits about your razor blade fixation...unless you're going to DYAAKY.

...MESSAGE ENDS...
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:05, Reply)

Sorry fister, did you have a point? I may have missed it.

(Bazongaloid, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:06, Reply)

Nope. Not a thing. Nothing to see here squire.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:08, Reply)

Fair enough. Do you like shaving?

(Bazongaloid, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:11, Reply)

I would say that 'like' is perhaps too strong a word.
I shave. That pretty much sums up the experience for me.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:12, Reply)

What you need is a really nice double edged safety razor,
a badger bristle brush, some nice Taylors shaving cream and a load of Shark or Astra blades and you will find that shaving becomes an actual pleasure.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:15, Reply)

A pleasure?
We are talking about shaving here, aren't we?

Pleasure is a nice cool gin and tonic on a hot day; caressing a fully-pitched delivery through the covers for four; stumping some prick who's been fooled by the flight of the spinner; oh aye - and a right nice BJ.

Now what were you on about?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:18, Reply)

Something less gay than cricket. I was talking about getting hot and soapy and stroking slowly and carefully.

(Bazongaloid, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:20, Reply)

Cricket? Gay? WTF? Just wait till Darth reads this....oh wait.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:22, Reply)

i agree with these definations of pleasure
may I also add knocking out some pricks middle stump so it cartwheels away?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:27, Reply)

You may, although bowling is some kind of voodoo thing of which I know bugger all.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:30, Reply)

Are you OK?
Fun Airbags go off?

I keep driving home about the same time as what appears to be a 15 year old boy driving a Ferrari
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 14:56, Reply)

It was only at manouevring speed.
The idiot wasn't looking as he reversed, and went straight into the front of me. Bit of damage to my bonnet, couple of scrapes to his rear bumper. Nothing serious. I'd say a bit of panel-beating will straighten it out.

I dread to think what the insurance premium is on a Maserati Gran turismo though.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 12 Jun 2013, 14:58, Reply)

panel wife
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:00, Reply)

Cheers pal.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:02, Reply)

I slipped on your mum's juice.
Now.

You might think that this was a hilarious double entendre because she'd just finished making some delicious freshly squeezed orange juice but actually I'd just banged her and she was dripping on the lino.
( Kroney, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 14:58, Reply)

At her age, I'm quite impressed.
You must have some technique.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:00, Reply)

Garlic love eggs

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:01, Reply)

Nah, just hands up straight away

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:14, Reply)

lol

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:33, Reply)

Ahh, the Karma Surrender

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:33, Reply)

Alt: Really well, thanks for asking.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 14:59, Reply)

I reckon it'll take me an hour to build something that'll have a huge flashing sign on my computer within a second of when the last number is called.
It goes in a loop, once someone has called, they put a new number in.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:10, Reply)

what the fuck are you on about?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:11, Reply)

What?

(Bazongaloid, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:11, Reply)

Oh good, I'm glad it's not just me being thick.

Gonz darling, you're going to have to explain that. No complicated words, please.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:12, Reply)

I assume it has something to do with opiates

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:13, Reply)

I suppose some context would be nice.
news.o2.co.uk/winatabletz/
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:12, Reply)

Ah, right.
Is that worth winning? I suppose you could always sell it for a few bob.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:18, Reply)

I wouldn't say 'no' to a free one.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:22, Reply)

Wahey!

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:25, Reply)

I just coded a timing procedure
which was far more difficult than it should have been
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:12, Reply)

What you writing in Sporters?
I'm using jQuery and KnockoutJS at the moment, and it's doing my box in.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:15, Reply)

Good old batch scripting FTW

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:16, Reply)

Yuck.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:20, Reply)

I just took a look to see what knockoutjs is.
Looks alright, not entirely sure what I can do in it that I can't do in jquery though.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:22, Reply)

It's like an extension of jquery, bolted on top. Pretty clever when you get to grips with it.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:24, Reply)

i got to grips with your mum last night
and in quicktime I had flash-ed my jquery all over her interface
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:26, Reply)

We've discussed this before Dad, it's not fucking funny, ok?

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:28, Reply)

fucking hell that would make me what? 80 something?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:29, Reply)

Old enough to be my husband.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:29, Reply)

almost

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:30, Reply)

Self-zingaling

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:31, Reply)

That would explain your dodgy sartorial choices and fascination with oak flooring...

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:32, Reply)

+ inability to cope with technology

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:33, Reply)

Wait, is he Nakers?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:34, Reply)

Yep

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:34, Reply)

MWAH xxxx

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:34, Reply)

finger on the pulse as ever b3th

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:35, Reply)

She needs to know when to find the life insurance policies innit

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:36, Reply)

Sorry, for some reason I thought that was in reference to the rev.
Must concentrate more on what's going on.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:38, Reply)

hang up, you guessed it was me from these slanderous accuastions?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:41, Reply)

Its only slander if it's not true

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:45, Reply)

Less 'guessed'
more 'recognised'
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:46, Reply)

DAMN IT, THE NUMBER WAS ENGAGED, I HAD THAT IN THE PALM OF MY HAND !

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:49, Reply)

I'm GREAT, thanks
How are YOU?
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:21, Reply)

All the better for seeing you

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:24, Reply)

*blushes*
Oh you.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:25, Reply)

I was at a campsite that allowed camp fires
Day 1 I asked the man who ran it if he had got wood. He had. I took his wood

Returned to camp announced loudly that I had wood.

When leaving the next day we had some logs left. I asked two ladies if they would like my wood

It dawned on me what Id said each time after the fact, yet I still forgot about it each time I repeated
( Locus213 Slightly to the left of Bakunin, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:42, Reply)

Camp Site?????
= Gay Porn
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:47, Reply)

I would never have quessed
that someone would link camp & gay in such a creative fashion on this website.
( Locus213 Slightly to the left of Bakunin, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:51, Reply)

That's our Harters - a comic genius.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:52, Reply)

I would have thought you would be at the pub by now

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:53, Reply)

Why would you have thought that?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:54, Reply)

*Looks at the clock*
I'm really not sure
b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1980186
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 16:00, Reply)

I reckon I can stick this out for maybe another 20 minutes or so yet.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 16:01, Reply)

I'm sure you can
b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1985350
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 16:02, Reply)

Tru dat my nig-nog

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 16:06, Reply)

I for one am glad that I have opened your eyes

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:52, Reply)

My naivety is gone for ever more

( Locus213 Slightly to the left of Bakunin, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:54, Reply)

Worst of all plays

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:55, Reply)

I once saw a play that was basically
2 people doing fake american accents, really badly.

The characters just sat on a sofa bickering, incomprehensibly. That was it.

Don't think any play could be worse than that
( Locus213 Slightly to the left of Bakunin, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 16:01, Reply)

So either you don't know how to talk, or this is an attempt at a humurous story which has really failed.
You don't ask someone if they have got wood. You say "Excuse me, do you have any wood?" which isn't at all sexually suggestive.

If you have some logs left over, you would say to the complete stranger "Excuse me, we have some wood left over, would you like it?"
(Bazongaloid, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:51, Reply)

I do love your unforgiving nature, Al.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:52, Reply)

I really said this several times
a little drunk at the time.

don't give a shit if you think its funny.

Thanks for the hate
( Locus213 Slightly to the left of Bakunin, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:52, Reply)

Don't take it personally, he's like this with everyone.

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:55, Reply)

Ok

( Locus213 Slightly to the left of Bakunin, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 15:57, Reply)

Hey now, woah there
What's going on? This offends my delicate sensibilities. Heavy vibes, man.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 16:04, Reply)

New thread innit.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 12 Jun 2013, 16:30, Reply)