What three things can you not do without?
Alt:
WORST LUNCH EVER
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:31, 124 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

My daughter.
Something to read.
Food.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:31, Reply)

Oxygen, food, porn

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:35, Reply)

nice

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:36, Reply)

leaving aside dull stuff like food, water, air other people and such...
I'd say my phone, my bike and a supply of decent books.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:37, Reply)

Books, coffee, a good shite

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:40, Reply)

oh man that fucking STUPID bike ride gave me such a hassle at the weekend
i wish they'd all fallen off in a gigantic heap
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:52, Reply)

you'll be glad to know I was taking part then.
If i'd know it annoyed you i'd have enjoyed it even more. :)

at least one person came off badly enough to merit an ambulance ride though so that should make you happy, and some cunt had his '£2500" bike nicked after he tied it up with a piece of string or something which made me LOL. He was riding for charidy and was very upset.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:13, Reply)

it would have been fine if they'd put it somewhere sensible and actually nice to ride around
like the clifftops in cornwall or something

fucking central london? fuck off. and there were all these stands for people to watch from... yer, like anyone was going to watch that shite.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:14, Reply)

Excellent.
I'll think of you when we do it next year.

I tend to agree that it's pointless and silly, but if it annoys certain people then all good. :)
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:22, Reply)

Tuna anything

(PsychoChomp, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:37, Reply)

Do you like fresh tuna?

(Bazongaloid, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:38, Reply)

Nope, it's for cunts.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:59, Reply)

Don't know.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:38, Reply)

1. 80's TV show references
2. Willing puppies
3. ZYDR
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:40, Reply)

Meh.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:43, Reply)

My excellent memory, Terry Pratchett books and my excellent memory.

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:39, Reply)

Lolzheimers

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:40, Reply)

Alt: I'm a vegetarian :(

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:40, Reply)

So raw beef then?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:41, Reply)

tangledupinbleu?

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:42, Reply)

You've been one of them for ages.
You should get a second opinion as medical science has come on a long way, there must be a cure available on the NHS these days.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:41, Reply)

the cure is bacon. Lots and lots of bacon.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:43, Reply)

Alt: Where to begin, where to begin?
Did I tell you the one about the guy that did a flit after his company card bounced? On a £300 lunch.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:41, Reply)

No

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:41, Reply)

I've heard it before, there was this guy that did a flit after his company card bounced. On a £300 lunch.

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:44, Reply)

I HAVE told you it before.
Well, this one time, a guy that did a flit after his company card bounced? On a £300 lunch.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:45, Reply)

I heard something similar
There was this £300 lunch and the bloke paying for it found that his card had been declined so he fucked off.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:46, Reply)

from a criminal law perspective
it's only theft if you decide to do a runner AFTER you've eaten, and not before. if it's before, you lack IPD.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:52, Reply)

IPD?

(Bazongaloid, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:54, Reply)

Internet Pinball Database.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:56, Reply)

No idea. But this one time, I heard about this bloke who was unable to settle a lunch bill.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:56, Reply)

Heard about it? I was THERE.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:56, Reply)

I hope Paul Hardcastle writes a song for you.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:58, Reply)

intention to permanently deprive
it's a key component in theft.

of course, good luck convincing the court of WHEN you formed it.

"no, honestly, i didn't decide to nick it until after i'd eaten it. i really meant to pay when i sat down..."
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:04, Reply)

wait, don't tell me, I reckon some guy did a flit after his compnay card bounced on a £300 lunch.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:45, Reply)

you lot are bonkers!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:46, Reply)

I can imagine that had I been there I would have wrung my hands in righteous indignation.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:49, Reply)

You'd have been fucking livid, Al. Hand wringing be damned.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:55, Reply)

I'm at Stoke on Trent station.
It looks a bit shit.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:43, Reply)

the best place to eat there is subway
that tells you all you need to know about stoke
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:45, Reply)

Stafford station is next.
I don't expect the experience to be any better.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:47, Reply)

It's actually rhyming slang for BENT.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:45, Reply)

That's how BENT it is.
If anyone from Stoke is reading this, I appreciate that this might be deemed libellous, so please rest assured that I am already reconsidering this post.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:49, Reply)

because people from stoke can read?
don't be daft
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:03, Reply)

They may have one of their carers there to help with the big words
Of course the main flaw being that they only have one electrical socket and fear the glowing screens of text.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:10, Reply)

do what without?
live - oxygen, water, food

live my life - friends, treats, diet coke

alt: well, i bought some of that 7 calorie per 100 gram rice/pasta that's actually made from japanese vegetable protein at the weekend. i haven't tried it yet, but imma bet it is up there in the "worst food ever" stakes.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:46, Reply)

itsu frozen yog has next to no claories.
Jus' sayin'. What with the heat and all.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:50, Reply)

i love snog too
but the problem is that it's not the same with fresh fruit. you need to stuff that bitch up with mini oreos and tiny chocolate stars/hearts and warm caramel sauce.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:51, Reply)

greedy bitch.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:58, Reply)

correct

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:03, Reply)

1. Treworgey
2. Tree
3. Fayre
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:50, Reply)

It's always 1989 at Tower Hamlets!

( Kroney, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:51, Reply)

lol

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:52, Reply)

Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:50, Reply)

Fingering, oral and anal.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:51, Reply)

Attention, praise, and getting my own way.
Alt: I was once incredibly hungover/still drunk, and bought a McDonald's, and sat on a pallet outside at the side by the industrial bins, eating it, and watching a couple having a really shouty finger-pointy, bordering-on-is-he-going-to-hit her argument, when Guns N' Roses came on at top volume on my walkman.

That was deeply unpleasant.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:52, Reply)

Did you have a Slash?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:52, Reply)

I was being Slashed on, more like!
LOL!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:53, Reply)

Somebody's brought their toddler into the office.
It's already getting fractious. I hate children.
( Kroney, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:54, Reply)

I heard they hate you too
as does everyone else.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:55, Reply)

That's libellous.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:57, Reply)

The trouble is, all children are badly behaved and annoying.
All of them. It only seesm to be the parents that think they're anything other than a screaming, shitting nuisance.
( Kroney, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:57, Reply)

Do you work in my local pub?

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:59, Reply)

He's French. He doesn't 'work' anywhere.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:00, Reply)

I tried to work once.
Didn't like it. Striked.
( Kroney, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:06, Reply)

+ burned sheep.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:07, Reply)

Even before I got fat and old, I have always been built fairly big and solid. I'm sure to some kids when I'm angry I could well be intimidating.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:00, Reply)

If it weren't for my respect for that guys uniform, I'd have your throat in my hands
Just sayin
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:01, Reply)

strikethrough throat
hilarity ensues
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:03, Reply)

Good job there'd probably be a young cop to step in to separate you.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:03, Reply)

I think it's the very zenith of manliness to threaten violence in situations where there is no possibility of violence

(PsychoChomp, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:05, Reply)

That's what I like to call "chickenshit motherfucker".

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:06, Reply)

I bet you threaten to strangle potential rapists in police custody

(PsychoChomp, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:02, Reply)

In fiction, yes.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:05, Reply)

Is this joke based on a story you can link to?

(Bazongaloid, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:11, Reply)

b3ta.com/questions/mtfu/post2037552
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:17, Reply)

fucks sake.
what a fucking twat.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:27, Reply)

Did you think my daughter was well behaved when you saw her the other week?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:01, Reply)

A joy.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:04, Reply)

(!)

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:06, Reply)

Yes, she was. What do you want me to say?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:07, Reply)

Aw. Cheers dude.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:08, Reply)

I can only assume you had her doped on laudanum, or somesuch.
She was not representative of the whole.
( Kroney, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:08, Reply)

she was bribed with bubbles and food and a cat
never ever underestimate the power of bribery when it comes to kids
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:15, Reply)

I don't get people who beat their own kids, you wouldn't key your own car.
/Jimmy Carr
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:12, Reply)

All kids are bloody irritating, but you can usually tolerate your own.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:14, Reply)

I just don't understand why parents expect me to tolerate them, too.
Usually I can't and somehow that makes *me* the bad guy.
( Kroney, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:19, Reply)

It's a bit like your own farts, in that respect.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:19, Reply)

I don't go hanging around in creches, or ball pits, or playgrounds
or anywhere else that I expect to find children, so it's not like I'm forcing my dislike on other people. Yet they keep bringing children to adult locations. It hardly seems fair.
( Kroney, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:20, Reply)

I am with you there mon amis
Don't like children, get very fucking annoyed with other peoples children. Got called a wanker when someone brought a baby into work and even knowing my dislike tried to make me hold it. When I said I will let it fall to the ground if it was thrust upon me I was the bad one... Not the parent using their child for LULZ
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:22, Reply)

I think this is another one of those situations that comes down to people being thick cunts again.
I have always reminded my kids that if I find their behaviour irritating, and I love them, then other people really don't want to hear them.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:31, Reply)

Why don't you lure it into the bogs and drown it?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 11:57, Reply)

+in your thick, salty discharge

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:02, Reply)

you are a wrong 'un and I salute you.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:04, Reply)

I can't live, if living is without you.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:01, Reply)

All I need is a miracle.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:02, Reply)

Didn't Jim Kerr promise you one?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:03, Reply)

Stafford.
Slightly better than Stoke, but not by much.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:04, Reply)

That should be their new tourist board slogan.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:07, Reply)

Uberstafford and Unterstoke. Sehr gut.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:09, Reply)

Reminds me of this

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:11, Reply)

15-2!

(Bazongaloid, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 12:28, Reply)