Well I'm on my way home now, in case you were wondering
Are you on your way somewhere?

Alt: ever been arrested, collared by a mean ticket Inspector or beaten by a bouncer?

Alfalt: if you had to drink milk directly form an animal's teat, which animal would you choose? EDIT you're not allowed to say, human/woman/any of my female relations/friends/wife
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 15:58, 101 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

I'm going for a beer.
Alt: Yes I have been arrested.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:01, Reply)

What's the penalty for dog bum fingering these days?

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:06, Reply)

I'm not a mod, as you well know.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:07, Reply)

Not daring to bite your nails for at least a week, I should think.

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:14, Reply)

getting your nose shoved in it?

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:27, Reply)

I'm on my way to get a cup of lovely tea with a friend.
In a while, I'll be on my way back to my desk, for work.

alt no, no, no.
( Theoban What of it, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:01, Reply)

Shhhh h
don't keep going on about work, what with Windy and Harters around... They will get all weepy
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:03, Reply)

Why's everyone getting fired?
KEEP YOUR JOBS GUYS
( Theoban What of it, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:04, Reply)

Well windy quit his job

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:06, Reply)

I know he was having a hard time, I hope he's happier now, poor wee lamb, little wiggly piggly

( Theoban What of it, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:07, Reply)

fucking shhhhhhh
iksnay on the jobsney
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:07, Reply)

Just got here.
Yes, no, no, but have done door security in the past. Shitty job really.
Edit, the job is a lot different now, you need to be licenced, and learn customer relation skills, and crap like that.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:02, Reply)

No no where apart from home in an hour or so.
Alt, yep plod nicked me while I was fighting the power and raging against the machine.

altalt YM
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:07, Reply)

She's as dry as a dead dingos dick mate

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:09, Reply)

but she can suck a monkey through 40 ft of garden hose

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:11, Reply)

Altalt: A Woman

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:07, Reply)

Pervert

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:09, Reply)

Been stopped and searched a couple of times.
One time was when I was busking, and half way through it, the plod stopped another guy in the street, and gave him the once over; "Where are you going, what are you doing there, what's your name" etc, then turned to me, all pally-pally, and said "'Ee was takin the piss out ov yew bein searched, so I fort I'd inconvenience im for a while", which impressed me no end.

Altalt: YM.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:09, Reply)

Good abuse of police powers there

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:10, Reply)

I might go home and all
Alt: Nope. I was headbutted by a DJ in a shit club once though.

Altalt: Mrs Ape.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:10, Reply)

Did you ask home to play the yurtsmiths cover of "I am the one and only"?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:11, Reply)

I was impolite to him and he took exception to my comments.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:13, Reply)

Djs are cunts to a man

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:15, Reply)

Yeah this one was a northern prick who loved the sound of his own voice.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:21, Reply)

Dozer?

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:26, Reply)

Alt: incredibly, what with my foolish behaviour over the years, no not once.
Altalt: same as the other chaps, Imma say 'human'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:11, Reply)

+ male

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:11, Reply)

if you say so

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:12, Reply)

sorry I truly cannot be arsed reading through today, has knobcheese been playing silly buggers with 2.0?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:12, Reply)

Yup

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:13, Reply)

typical knobcheese! *rolls eyes*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:14, Reply)

Which one's knobcheese, hippy?

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:21, Reply)

you

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:31, Reply)

i have a pizzabash photo of you standing RIGHT OUTSIDE a police van

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:16, Reply)

+ trying to order a cornetto

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:28, Reply)

I got searched once at Kenilworth Castle, but amazingly managed to get away without losing my stash or getting arrested.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:20, Reply)

What the fuck isn Alfalt anyway?
Sounds like something Tango would eat.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:15, Reply)

It's a new 'superfood'
All the top celebs are losing weight with it.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:16, Reply)

My phone always tries to correct altalt to alfalfa

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:16, Reply)

Could your phone *be* any more middle class?

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:18, Reply)

Isn't alfalfa what you feed cows in the winter?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:20, Reply)

Could your phone *be* any more middle claaaass?

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:23, Reply)

No, it's a stylish but rather fragile Italian car

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:23, Reply)

A Volkswagen?

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:24, Reply)

No, that's a car that can only make Reich turns.

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:26, Reply)

Thanks for that clarkson

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:27, Reply)

MORE POWEEERRRRRR!!!

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:28, Reply)

I heard it was good in the heil gears, though.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:38, Reply)

Once you got it Goering, yes.

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:44, Reply)

I used to have one, but it fell to Blitz.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 17:06, Reply)

Mine would only turn Luft

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 17:17, Reply)

Altalt: SQUIRREL

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:16, Reply)

Show your working

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:17, Reply)

See /board

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:19, Reply)

Henry: portrait of a serial yiffer

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:21, Reply)

I'd definately go for swan milk

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:21, Reply)

Do birds give milk?
Flying ones, not split arses.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:27, Reply)

Course they do, what do you think baby swans eat?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:27, Reply)

Other baby swans?
I don't fucking know, worms and shit presumably.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:29, Reply)

I doubt shit has the nutritional value to grow a full sized swans
They eat mothers milk. What do you think the queen has on her coco pops?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:31, Reply)

fish, surely?
Swans feed in the water and on land. They are almost entirely herbivorous, although they may eat small amounts of aquatic animals. In the water food is obtained by up-ending or dabbling, and their diet is composed of the roots, tubers, stems and leaves of aquatic and submerged plants
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:31, Reply)

Yeah, that's swans, not baby swans who haven't been weened yet

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:36, Reply)

Well I never
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crop_milk

Not swans, though
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:42, Reply)

NO MILK CHAT

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:51, Reply)

Yeah, I've been beaten by a bouncer
If by beaten you mean 'looked on piteously' by a bouncer as he points me away from the club and I slur: now h-*hic*- now hold on there you big fucker....*stumbles*...now imnot even slightly tipserly..*tries to focus* ah, this cunt aint wurfit...imma get some burgers n chips n kebabs yafucker fuckfuck....*weaves into the distance*....*stops*....*turns with great effort and pantomine*...CUUUUNNTTT!! ....*drunken hyper-sprint whilst giggling*

Altalt: Jessica Rabbit
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:23, Reply)

Altalt: A hamster of course, I'd suck that little fucker dry. You could wear a bandolier of them in case you get thirsty, suck and throw away

( Theoban What of it, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:26, Reply)

Tggi

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:26, Reply)

are you dozer's sock?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:29, Reply)

Dozer's special wank sock.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:43, Reply)

I don't fit on anyone's feet
Except yours babes rawr meow hisss
( Theoban What of it, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:51, Reply)

Nope, still at work
Alt: Never been arrested, once got into an argument with a ticket inspector (my fault, admittedly, but he wouldn't listen when I offered to pay) and a bouncer once sent me flying to stop a bottle smashing me in the head.

Alt: None.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:28, Reply)

I need to get home to sleep. A takeaway might be on the cards.
Alt: Yes to all three. 4 or 5 police cautions. Train fines up the Wah-zoo. Bouncered about 3 times, well I was acting the prick.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:28, Reply)

I've not bought a ticket on my commute in about three years
If only I'd saved all those pennies :(
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:30, Reply)

When I moved offices up here (zone 4)
I continued to get a 1-2 travelcard and vowed only to start getting a full one when I got nabbed, which took 2 years. No fine, no nothing. I reckon I must have saved over a grand, easy.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:34, Reply)

Tggi, playing the odds innit

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:35, Reply)

I figured at worst I'd get a small on the spot fine, didn't even get that.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:36, Reply)

breakin' the law!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:39, Reply)

If you were to saw me in half, you'd see '100% PUNK' written through me like a stick of rock

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:40, Reply)

+ S

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:43, Reply)

No, Lokesy. No.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:50, Reply)

It's great when you get away with it.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:37, Reply)

i am at work til 7.30. then on my way to the gym, where i am seeing the 21 year old trainer
alt: got pulled over by the police when my friend threw a sandwich box out of the window. the same friend who'd been arrested for hanging out of a car window the week before. stay classy, stockport.

also got done on the DLR for going out to zone 3 to come back in because it was quicker. we didn't want to pay, because we hadn't got off. the inspector disagreed (maybe because he caught us getting off the front and running down to the back to avoid him). he wrote on our ticket: "stroppy teenagers avoiding fare."

altalt: gorilla.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:31, Reply)

Well once you go black...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:34, Reply)

Once you go hairy, you'll never go mary, or sutin.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:36, Reply)

Your stress has affected your wit centre

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:37, Reply)

nah, it was shit before, Nakers.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:55, Reply)

on the paris metro
I had a ticket for zones 1 and 2, but got off at the outer most one (7, perhaps). Totally got away with it, I am a rebel.
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:39, Reply)

On the Paris buses, I just waved my rucksack at the beeper and got on, no travel card in there at all
rock 'n' roll
( Theoban What of it, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:52, Reply)

Got proper fucked on the Budapest underground.
They have machines that validate tickets and they rarely work. It's a classic "pick on tourist and fuck them" scam but, the police have guns, so meh, what you gonna do?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:53, Reply)

Proper fucked?
You sure about that?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:57, Reply)

well, of course not
but "disproportionally fined a vast amount whilst having a submachine gun casually pointed at me what with obviously being a westerner and this being 15 years ago" doesn't really have the same ring to it.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 17:00, Reply)

yeah, I wouldn't have messed with the Moscow one either
some places just have scary police
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:58, Reply)

Romanian "law" enforcement
will routinely pull over hire cars for any available reason and extort a bribe off you.
( Kroney, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 17:03, Reply)

Romania couldn't be more bent if it changed its name to Nakedapia.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 17:14, Reply)

It's fucking shocking that they're still one foot in the Middle Ages.
I don't understand it, Monty. I really don't.
( Kroney, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 17:25, Reply)

I'm on my way to a stress-related fucking breakdown if cunts don't sort their shit out.
Alt: Don't think I've been arrested, but it's entirely possible. there are periods where my memory is a little fluid. Yeah, I've been done by ticket inspectors a couple of times when they first introduced penalty fares down south and I forgot and thought I could get a tickey on a train. Never beaten by a bouncer, though.

Altalt: clearly, a cat.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:34, Reply)

no
alt: no
altalt: cow
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:38, Reply)

I'd go with cow. tastes right and you won't get a load of hair or shit in your mouth.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:40, Reply)

exactly
and you don't have to get your mouth round it, it squirts. And if that doesn't sound rude to you, you're basically dead
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:41, Reply)

^100% THIS
you take a firm grip on the teet, get a nice creamy gobful.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:44, Reply)

hahah you might get haha a pat on the head though ahahahahahahahhahah

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:41, Reply)

just make sure you're wearing a jersey,
it's fresian outside OH LOL
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:41, Reply)

Alright don't milk it

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:44, Reply)

what's your beef, man
?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:45, Reply)

You know what I'm on about, pull the udder one

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:49, Reply)

you say that round here
I'll tan your hide
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:51, Reply)

Burger off

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:51, Reply)

sling yer hoof

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:54, Reply)

Just remember what happened to Ching-Chong Chinaman.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:41, Reply)

Ahsole.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:44, Reply)

RIP

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:44, Reply)

well, except that cows lie down in shit all the time.
So their udders are always totally covered in it.

Apart from that, it's fine.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:54, Reply)

Alt: Yes. 7 times in total.
AltAlt: A gorilla's. As it would remind me of YM.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:41, Reply)

Sneaking through cat flaps to steal ladies Knickers eh?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:43, Reply)

Various acts of teenage stupidity, nothing more.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 16:45, Reply)