New thread.
I've just got to write a conclusion and my Bollocks Essay is, barring references DONE.
Other than MM, what have you nearly done?
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 12:45, 143 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

a very painful shit

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 12:47, Reply)

Applied for another job.
I've just got the 'why I'm the person for the job bit' to do. So, naturally, I'm dicking around on the internet.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 14 Mar 2014, 12:47, Reply)

I've nearly done some work today

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 12:49, Reply)

alright Tango, nonced up any French teenagers today?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 12:51, Reply)

There are surprisingly few French teenagers in my office

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 12:54, Reply)

typical response of a nonce

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 12:55, Reply)

It's for the best, you'd spend all day tripping over rucksacks and bad hip hop CDs

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 12:56, Reply)

I quite like MC Solaar

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 12:58, Reply)

He was on the first Jazzmatazz LP?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 12:59, Reply)

yeah think so

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:02, Reply)

I've also nearly done the laundry; it's just gone onto its spin cycle.
Unfortunately I appear to have been locked in this morning so I can't hang it out until the wife gets back. First world problems, right here!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 14 Mar 2014, 12:51, Reply)

How can you be locked in?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 12:54, Reply)

OK, so some doors are lockable, right?
If you turn the key the opposite way than you do to open the door, then it engages the lock. Unless you have a key to hand, you can't open the door again. There are even rumours of a "dead-lock". Usually this involves turning the key so as to lock the door, then carrying on until you've gone through a full revolution. This engages a second lock, which you will require a key to open.
( Kroney, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 12:59, Reply)

Wot?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:04, Reply)

BIG KEY TURNY LOCK CLICK

( Kroney, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:07, Reply)

hahaha

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:10, Reply)

Because the missus has gone to work in the car, taking the keyring with my keys on it
as well as her bag with her keys in it. Stepson has gone to college not long afterwards, and has evidently locked the door. Which is good security, granted, but I WAS IN THE FUCKING HOUSE ANYWAY!!!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:00, Reply)

I just hope the dog doesn't need a shit before 4pm.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:02, Reply)

Put a nappy on it

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:05, Reply)

Beyonce lost her touch

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:11, Reply)

If I liked it

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:51, Reply)

You've had two weeks to post this and you missed it.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:13, Reply)

Lost me, there...

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:17, Reply)

QFTW "Trapped"

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:01, Reply)

Oh, yeah.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:05, Reply)

In reply to your earlier question, it's the 3.20

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:05, Reply)

I thought bobs worth and Silvia-something were runaway favourites

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:08, Reply)

.
www.oddschecker.com/horse-racing-betting/cheltenham/15:20/winner
(DBT became a fruitarian on, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:11, Reply)

I just got a text message asking me to pick up a steak and a bottle of red on the way home

( Peej, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:09, Reply)

Yeah, chop chop. Your mrs and me are fucking knackered.

( Kroney, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:11, Reply)

Steak and BJ day ahoy

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:11, Reply)

What's the origin of this? Just heard it the other day.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:12, Reply)

Hallmark trying to sell more steaks

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:13, Reply)

They gave the internet to Americans and this is what they came up with

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:13, Reply)

Misogynistic LADS kick back against Valentine's Day tradition
by attempting to ritually humiliate their glorious female partners.

/Greer
( Kroney, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:14, Reply)

Exactly one month after valentines day has been declared as steak and blowjob day.
I've also just realised it's the 11th anniversary of me meeting the missus.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:14, Reply)

\o/

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:52, Reply)

Some yank pricks
Thought that since valentines day is targeted towards men getting gifts for women they would invent a male version 1 month after.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:14, Reply)

^ And there are five men whose partners have refused to acknowledge this calendar non-event

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:16, Reply)

When you look like me
you are happy that a woman will occasionally touch your winky... Best not to push your luck
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:18, Reply)

I didn't even want the steak :(

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:19, Reply)

^gaye

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:20, Reply)

Let's get it on

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:23, Reply)

here I am, Brain the size of a planet

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:31, Reply)

every day is steak and bj day for frog
the lucky, lucky amphibious beast
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:27, Reply)

pfft

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:28, Reply)

You seem to have a leak

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:29, Reply)

Trouble in paradise?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:29, Reply)

I'm in

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:53, Reply)

You're into swordfighting, are you?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:54, Reply)

No, I'm just "in" her cavernous passage

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:55, Reply)

Rustlers and dr troll fingering is more likely

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:13, Reply)

b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post2237875
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:54, Reply)

My liver, I think.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:11, Reply)

I've gone with Plinth e/w in the 1.30

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:14, Reply)

Guitar Pete, £20 on the nose.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:18, Reply)

You do better putting the money into a bet tbh

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:20, Reply)

3rd.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:36, Reply)

I have gone with Putin in the Crimea

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:18, Reply)

Irving Berlinzzzzz

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:21, Reply)

The Ritz busy?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:54, Reply)

16/1?
Punchy odds
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:20, Reply)

Investment chat :)

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:22, Reply)

just make sure your asset allocation is aligned with your attitude to risk, yeah?
And Hedge Funds are inappropriate for all but highly sophisticated investors with a large capacity for loss.

JSYK
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:33, Reply)

Oh shut up for fucks sake no one is reading any of that shit

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:34, Reply)

I did and those words are very prudent in relation to investment.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:37, Reply)

thanks quinchypoos

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:40, Reply)

GAY^

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:01, Reply)

My fiver each way doesn't really apply.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:37, Reply)

this applies to everything he posts

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:39, Reply)

I dunno, my qotw entry bore fruit

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:40, Reply)

yeah, but not because people were interested in YOU
nobody cares what you do
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:58, Reply)

fruit d everyone to tears
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:01, Reply)

I'm glad we finally agree on something.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:06, Reply)

I liked his 'Purple Rain' album the best.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:41, Reply)

5 pints
Stopped at 4
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:50, Reply)

how can you work after 4 pints? seriously

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:55, Reply)

I believe the medical profession terms it "functioning alcoholic"

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:56, Reply)

If only we had a real doctor here to verify this

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:56, Reply)

AsAShit internet gp, it's all relative.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:09, Reply)

winning alcoholic
1st drinks all week ACKSHULLY
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:56, Reply)

Yep, that fits with the signs and symptoms
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High-functioning_alcoholic
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:58, Reply)

Can't be me
I'm not well respected
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:59, Reply)

Good point.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:04, Reply)

none of this is unusual
When they have one drink, they experience a craving to have more and cannot predict what their alcohol intake will be
They obsess about the next time they will be able to drink alcohol
They behave in ways that are not characteristic of themselves while drunk and continue to repeat these behaviors and patterns
Surround themselves socially with heavy drinkers
Getting drunk before arriving at social engagements
Setting drinking limits (e.g., only having three drinks, only drinking three days per week) and not being able to adhere to them
Driving drunk and not getting arrested or involved in an accident
Always having to finish an alcoholic beverage or even another person's unfinished beverage
Using alcohol as a reward
Having memory lapse due to excessive drinking (blackouts)
Taking breaks from drinking and then increasing alcohol consumption when they resume drinking after a long period of time
Not being able to imagine their life without alcohol in it
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:26, Reply)

I'll drink to that

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:27, Reply)

You're using alcohol as a reward. See!!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:29, Reply)

I totally deserve it

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:37, Reply)

Does having one for me and one for my fallen homies apply also?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:29, Reply)

Nope

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:32, Reply)

I ent
Got some coding and 'ting to do but nowt serious
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:56, Reply)

Masturba'ting?

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:00, Reply)

well durr

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:03, Reply)

I left my genetic code all over your mum's face last night

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:00, Reply)

It said Downs

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:03, Reply)

One uninvited chromosome

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:03, Reply)

Its probably on children's cunts everywhere too.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:07, Reply)

If he liked it, then he shoulda put his finger on it

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:09, Reply)

his finger their ring
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:10, Reply)

Keep moving

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:12, Reply)

There was a man called naked ape
A spastic, angular of shape
He once took a punt
Touched a kid on the cunt
And committed lots of child rape.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:19, Reply)

}:-(

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:23, Reply)

Oh....hi mate!

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:25, Reply)

yeah...hi...'mate'

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:01, Reply)

Yay for the pub.
I went to the pub and the knobbers were hassling me to buy a gold cup horse. I relented and then picked the fave. It's all coming up Team Stunned.

Back at 3.10 to watch the race and perhaps pick up some winnings.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:16, Reply)

Taking daughter and idiot dog to the pub, for the aGold Cup. Their crisp scrounging skills are those of legend.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:19, Reply)

That's no smell of scampi flavoured fries.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:24, Reply)

Preferred the previous 'urban' version, G.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:26, Reply)

word!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:27, Reply)

*huffties*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:45, Reply)

Why is it people feel the need to tell me their life stories?
:(

I don't care about the bloody ear infection that forced you to work from home. Just tell me what's broken.
( Kroney, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:39, Reply)

Their ear, weren't you listening?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:42, Reply)

I really think you need to work on your people skills.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:44, Reply)

I'm good at fixing things.
I've never pretended to like people. I have no idea whatsoever why somebody ringing me in a professional capacity would think I'd want to hear about their repugnant medical condition.
( Kroney, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:00, Reply)

Why would an ear infection force you to work from home?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:45, Reply)

Because you have an earache?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:46, Reply)

I'm guessing it's a balance thing.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:46, Reply)

I used to work with an Alan Singh.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:48, Reply)

Sounds a bit forrin.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:51, Reply)

And a girl called Sukhdeep.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:53, Reply)

When I was a benefits monkey
we had a client called Suckchit Kaur.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:57, Reply)

Hahaha. Nice.
One of our IT monkeys is called Dikshit.

IT monkeys, they are well funny.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:02, Reply)

We had a Sandy Beaver working here a few years ago.
That caused many childish lols.
( Kroney, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:04, Reply)

We had an American lecturer at uni called Randy Fleisch (pronounced 'Flesh' apparently)

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:28, Reply)

We had an Anil Panda here
pfft

Anal Panda
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:04, Reply)

This is why pandas fail to breed so spectacularly.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:06, Reply)

possibly, yes

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:14, Reply)

Because he's a skiving malingerer with all the resilience of a quadriplegic toddler?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:51, Reply)

this^
Earache

Fucks sake. If you can work at home, you can work at work.
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:55, Reply)

not if you are masssive house whale that can't leave the house without the aid of the firebridgade and a JCB

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:01, Reply)

But that's enough about YM.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:02, Reply)

Because she's a whiny old windbag.
She's one of my least favourite users.
( Kroney, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:02, Reply)

youb hate all your users you cantankerous old hermit

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:17, Reply)

Not true!
Most of them I merely dislike, some I'm ambivalent towards and one I actually really like. One out of twelve hundred ain't fucking bad.
( Kroney, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:22, Reply)

tanks man, luv u 2

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:23, Reply)

I'd have taken great pleasure in telling you you can't recall external emails.
I'd have relished it. You'd almost have been able to *hear* my hate-bongle bouncing off the underside of my desk.
( Kroney, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:24, Reply)

I got it all sorted withoutn too much fuss, thanks for you concern






dick
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:29, Reply)

*bounce* *bounce* *bounce*
*twitch* *twitch*
( Kroney, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:29, Reply)

officelol

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:30, Reply)

i hate you IT people

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:36, Reply)

and I use the term people in the loosest possible terms

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:36, Reply)

*twitch* *twitch* *bounce*

( Kroney, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:37, Reply)

.....keep.......going......

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:37, Reply)