Growing old gracefully.
m.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-27305701
How do you want to age?
Alt, sister in law is preparing a vegan picnic. Facepalms all round.
(DBT became a fruitarian on, Wed 7 May 2014, 11:53, 161 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Hahaha veganism is well lol
It's the culinary equivalent of having dreadlocks.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 7 May 2014, 11:55, Reply)

Yurtfood. Hair threads are wank.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Wed 7 May 2014, 11:58, Reply)

^ bald

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:23, Reply)

^ middle-class whiteboy dread

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:28, Reply)

Hey don't suppress my individuality man

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:30, Reply)

"This is SERIOUS, you wanker!"

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:46, Reply)

Vegan picnic?
Just eat the grass. It's amazing how many vegans I know that still drink alcohol.
( Peej, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:01, Reply)

How does that conflict with veganism?
Apart from Guinness (is coloured with blood, innit?)
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:02, Reply)

Most beers contain fish stomach.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:04, Reply)

Oh, right.
Cool.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:10, Reply)

And wines

( Peej, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:11, Reply)

They only do it because it gives them something else to whine about.
I don't really give a shit what other people eat and expect the same courtesy in return.

Therefore if a vegan invited me to a picnic I'd be alright with it but bring shit I wanted to eat. If they invited me to a specifically vegan picnic they'd be told to get to fuck.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:04, Reply)

Oh yeah, that'd be awful

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:06, Reply)

I'm hoping for an accelerating decline into alcohol and drug dependency before massive organ failure and prolonged painful death

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:08, Reply)

You're hoping that Swipe doesn't suffocate you first by dropping her gunt on your face.

(Bazongaloid, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:11, Reply)

ha ha classic stuff!

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:12, Reply)

too late
you should see his nose these days
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:15, Reply)

Is it wider than it is long?

(Bazongaloid, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:18, Reply)

smashed
like a crab
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:45, Reply)

But what about his nose?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:47, Reply)

I was planning on doing this by the age of 27, leaving an impressive body of work behind me
But it turned out I was too shit
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:11, Reply)

hey man remember you have a fan right here xx

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:13, Reply)

I always remember the fans, they're what it's all about man

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:14, Reply)

Yeah! Who needs the support of friends and family to get your sales into double figures? You've done it all on your own mate.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:17, Reply)

Good lad.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:18, Reply)

Thanks Dad

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:18, Reply)

meh, he was a labour councillor
what more do you expect?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:15, Reply)

Bid o pollidicks there, lazeungennelman.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:35, Reply)

As long as I dont get any crippling new diseases I'm not bothered
I feel fairly fit and healthy and that'll do
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:15, Reply)

I'll be lucky to live a couple more years with my lifestyle.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:16, Reply)

Pack the cigs in mate.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:18, Reply)

'just say no'

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:29, Reply)

Better to say no than repeatedly say 'Yer, innit, alright'.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:30, Reply)

oui, n'est pas, d'accord

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:33, Reply)

^ classy

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:34, Reply)

n'est pas

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:35, Reply)

ouais

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:38, Reply)

Not even in my top five Manchester bands

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:39, Reply)

You love Somerville.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:42, Reply)

Julia, not Jimmy.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:45, Reply)

Its no Asda

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:02, Reply)

What is?
We don't have Asda down south. It's a bit common.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:03, Reply)

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somerfield
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:06, Reply)

We don't have them either.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:10, Reply)

So where does Battered go for a kip then?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:10, Reply)

Match box?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:11, Reply)

I'm afraid I can't, sorry

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:13, Reply)

Yeah yeah
like you're not in there every morning fake scanning a 3 litre bottle of Frosty Jack and only paying for a 15p milky way
(Captain Give-A-Fuck #internetpals4eva, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:07, Reply)

Erm, excuse me.
I am not a thief.

Cheeky fucking Folkestone gyppos.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:10, Reply)

I say steady on!

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:11, Reply)

Heyhey, whoah there catweazle
I ent saying you is a thief or nuffin, it's not your fault the system has flaws that even lepers and celebrity chefs can exploit.
(Captain Give-A-Fuck #internetpals4eva, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:14, Reply)

a couple of YEARS??
not so lucky for the rest of us
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:45, Reply)

I have no qualms with getting old and having a face that shows it.
There's too many of these preeny, orange, Essex cunts having their faces remodelled.
The pouty, fake fucks.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 7 May 2014, 12:55, Reply)

^ bald

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:00, Reply)

^ RODENT RODEO UP HIS BUMHOLE

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:03, Reply)

What colour does chutney go when it gets old?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:00, Reply)

brown

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:01, Reply)

with little curly pubey hairs in.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:03, Reply)

Dunno. Don't like the stuff.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:03, Reply)

You love the chutney. Lovely, lovely chutney. Chuttery, chut-chutney.
Chutters.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:05, Reply)

officesmirk

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:07, Reply)

chutterkist chutterkist ra ra ra
chutterkist chutterkist ra ra ra
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:08, Reply)

hahahaha!
Chocolate flavour
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:08, Reply)

^ Chuts in the name of love.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:11, Reply)

When I chut, do I not bleed?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:13, Reply)

Use more lube

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:14, Reply)

What do you call 2 chutneys falling off the top of Canary Wharf?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:14, Reply)

chutty chutty gang bang

(Captain Give-A-Fuck #internetpals4eva, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:15, Reply)

(w)Anchor Chutter - Salted

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:18, Reply)

Dick Bastardly and Chuttley in their Spacky Races

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:21, Reply)

Chutneywick Green

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:25, Reply)

Straight outta Chutney!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:26, Reply)

Martin Chuttlewit

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:30, Reply)

Chuts of Navarone

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:32, Reply)

The Chutney Josie Wales

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:33, Reply)

The Chutney Strikes Back.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:34, Reply)

A Message to you Chutney

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:35, Reply)

Hard Days Chutney

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:38, Reply)

Straight 'outta brighton

( Slippery Mick ‏, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:21, Reply)

nothing straight comes out of Brighton

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:39, Reply)

it's chut another part of me

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:25, Reply)

I've just got back from work to find an email
inviting everyone on my site to attend "a briefing concerning important information about your site" at 3pm. It encourages anyone working from home to come in for this purpose.

Our site is half empty and, as you may be aware, in Norwich which is the middle of fucking nowhere.

Also there are sound tech type people fitting speakers and video cameras all over the shop in the manner of a Reaping from a district of Panem.

It may not surprise you to know that everyone around me, to coin a bewilderingly popular phrase, is losing their shit.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:23, Reply)

I smell redundancies.
And chutneys.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:24, Reply)

That was ONE TIME, alright?!

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:34, Reply)

You wish sweetheart
You're not gay enough for me
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:35, Reply)

Mass redundancy ahoy
Get everyone off site and lock the doors
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:25, Reply)

I've already said to my colleagues
if the worst happens, I expect nothing less than an orgy of mass violence and possibly some grand larceny
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:32, Reply)

You can touch your bosses wee wee.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:33, Reply)

My boss has escaped to Newbury for a couple of days
HOW VERY CONVENIENT
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:35, Reply)

Here to help
m.jobs.mcdonalds.co.uk/list?state=norwich&countryid=133&country=uk&countryfull=UK&dmaid=3804&dmaname=norwich
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:36, Reply)

Perfect job for a vegetarian
This actually earned a click from me
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:40, Reply)

Like there is any real meat in a macdonalds

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:42, Reply)

I've had a look at those jobs.
At no stage is the pay mentioned.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:43, Reply)

I would imagine it's at a similar level to yours + benefits

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:45, Reply)

I imagine so.
They are FAMOUS for their pay and conditions.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:48, Reply)

To be fair. When I was at uni they had a graduate recruitment drive
And starting pay was circa 25 k. The was back in early 90's so half decent
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:50, Reply)

Burger chimp is about £6 an hour.
The hours of the Asda McDonalds job were given as 16.00 to 01.30. And you had to work Sundays.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:53, Reply)

Every cloud

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:35, Reply)

Sorry you lost your job.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:27, Reply)

Oh man the meds will take a bashing now

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:28, Reply)

The trick is to not fester in redundancy but to apply, apply, apply.
You can do it son.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:35, Reply)

Worst case scenario is site closure and WFH/relocate or gardening leave
Frankly the latter sounds fucking brilliant right now, I was applying elsewhere anyway
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:38, Reply)

Hang on... "son"? Fuck off junior

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:38, Reply)

Why would they be fitting cameras?
Speakers/monitors I could understand.

Unless they want to see the tears close up
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:40, Reply)

Sexy under desk cameras

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:44, Reply)

Best guess, live broadcast or recording it for the intranet
So they can prove they gave our questions a fair hearing or some shit

What's most amusing is that everyone is going spastic because we got like 2 hours' notice, and rumours have been circulating about this site since before I went off with headwrong. Everyone's like "they could have given us some fucking warning", well no, a week's warning leads to mass hysteria doesn't it.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:49, Reply)

It could just be a company announcement they want to record.
Unlikely but it could be.

What time is the announcement?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:51, Reply)

3
Realistically there are too many people still here who can't WFH to do mass redundancy. My money is on a smaller office, which might be shit because there's several places outside the city that would be a ballache to walk to
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:53, Reply)

^ too busy to read

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:53, Reply)

But you're not though are you?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:54, Reply)

I have excellent time management skills

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:57, Reply)

They're going to stream the tears and bloo-bloo-blooing online
It's pretty niche, but those weirdos pay big bucks.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 7 May 2014, 13:45, Reply)

Rory would totally wank to that

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:47, Reply)

Wouldn't we all

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:51, Reply)

He'd be pausing and rewinding like fuck until he could spot DF sobbing
Then he'd pull the heid off it.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 7 May 2014, 13:58, Reply)

Beadle will pay two hundred quid for each clip used.
Mass panic and hysteria is a easy score.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:46, Reply)

Live well, die quickly.
That's about it.

Alt: Fucking hell.

This amuses me.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:40, Reply)

That youtube is brilliant!
Chris could hear it and was lolling along too
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:42, Reply)

Alt: piss her off by enquiring about whether her picnic hamper, blanket, paper plates and plastic cutlery were sustainably sourced
Even I think Vegans are mental
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:42, Reply)

It's silly, you can't possibly avoid all animal by-products.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:47, Reply)

My boss's son has decided he's a bit vegan and won't sit on their leather sofa. He's about 10.
What a stupid little wanker.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:49, Reply)

Punch him.
Punch him hard, in the face.

It's the only way they learn.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:49, Reply)

It's their own fault for giving him a vegan name

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:51, Reply)

They called him Tofu?

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:53, Reply)

Worse. Phoenix.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:54, Reply)

Set him on fire

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:55, Reply)

Ha ha

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:56, Reply)

Piss

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:57, Reply)

Throw him onto a fire
And claim you were testing his regenerative properties
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:55, Reply)

Fuck me
at least when you call a kid Cecil you know he can't fail to end up being cooler than his name
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:56, Reply)

That leather sofa would wipe clean after I'd raped and killed him on it.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:50, Reply)

I wouldn't bother though, it's not your sofa to clean

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:51, Reply)

Haha kids are such bastards

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:52, Reply)

They buy him vegan shoes too

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:53, Reply)

I'd buy him condoms and wear them
when I was abusing him thereby not leaving an orgy of evidence for the po-po.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:56, Reply)

Sensible. I'd skin him and create human leather which I'd fashion into a tiny stool for his younger brother to use as a poignant lesson not to be a prick.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:58, Reply)

I'd introduce the little brother into our loveplay.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:59, Reply)

I wouldn't, they keep looking to each other for help instead of concentrating on the job in hand. Or mouth.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 7 May 2014, 14:01, Reply)

I like it when they kiss each other.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 14:02, Reply)

well this is just LOVELY

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 7 May 2014, 14:08, Reply)

The finest grain you can buy
www.humanleather.co.uk/
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 14:00, Reply)

Exactly
Plus you tell someone you're a veggie, they worry you're going to lecture them on the evils of their lifestyle. Vegans give us all a bad name
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:54, Reply)

You give love a bad name.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:56, Reply)