As everyone seems to be out this weekend
Pub tales
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:30, 137 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

I once had a whole pint of straight lager.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:32, Reply)

laGAY more like

( Kroney, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:32, Reply)

LIES
on the internet
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:35, Reply)

I once bought a 'lager top' for a gay

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:33, Reply)

This always annoys me
Surely its a lager bottom
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:34, Reply)

If you're bent it is.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:37, Reply)

Well, the mark of a bender is in putting lemonade in your beer.
Whether you're the giver or the taker is largely irrelevent.
( Kroney, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:39, Reply)

this^

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:40, Reply)

lager + power
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:56, Reply)

I'd be a Jammie Dodger

( Peej, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:33, Reply)

Isn't that when you go down for a NOM and see the string?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:34, Reply)

Going ratting.

( Kroney, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:36, Reply)

Flossing

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:43, Reply)

I went to several pubs in York
I didn't tell dozer.
( Kroney, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:34, Reply)

haha!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:34, Reply)

:'(

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:58, Reply)

My favourite night, in retrospect, was the night of the wild west fight.
I had finished my shift and was stood at the bar enjoying a pint that had been bought for me. Was around 9ish I think.
Pretty busy, few "lads" in but no trouble so far, two guys come up to the bar, and stand either side of me. They both seemed a bit off, but I didn't think much of it really, until one of them picks up his full pint of lager, grabs me by the shoulder and uses me as leverage to swing round and smash the other guy full in the face with the glass.
Then it kicked off, tables turned over, stools thrown, bottles in the air. Police involved and all sorts.
Looking at the ccctv after it looked like an old wild west brawl, but with more polo shirts and less whiskey.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:39, Reply)

More of this please

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:41, Reply)

The other nasty fight was after a gypsy funeral.
I actually didn't open my pub for the afternoon because I knew what was coming, but I went over the only pub on cowley road stupid enough to be open and sat in the top bar.
It all started well, then when the owner started asking for tabs to be paid, the men started disappearing, leaving distraught older Irish gypsy ladies refusing to pay tabs. One of the bar lads got a black eye from a 60 yr old woman and it took 6 female police officers to take down one woman the size of a cow who said that "charging for drinks on a funeral was like charging Jesus for the ressurection"
After the women were cleared out and as much money as possible had been collected (not even half) the lads of the group came back and smashed the place up. Quality.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:49, Reply)

I used to like a drink round Cowley

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:50, Reply)

Shit hole.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:54, Reply)

Bit harsh
I was just saying
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:59, Reply)

Ha,
You'd weep to see it now mate. I used to love it down there, now it's all student bars horrid take aways. The Zodiac is an 02 academy where you might catch Jane Bugs or a thin lizzy covers band
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:09, Reply)

There's a Cowley road in Uxbridge
Trufax
( Kroney, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:52, Reply)

Is it full of homeless, blacks, foreigns, students and hipsters that think living in a shit part of town is cool?

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:54, Reply)

Actually, yes.

( Kroney, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:07, Reply)

Snap.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:09, Reply)

I first heard the song Ramblin' Man by Hank Williams in The Bell in Bath, which was the one what Nigel Farage recently got kicked out of.
Trufax.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:39, Reply)

After I bought my first flat in Edinburgh
I tried the local boozer - the Tynecastle Arms, fact fans.

It was a Thursday night. Dead quiet. I'd only been in about 5 mins when this girl started belting the fuck out of her boyfriend - absolutely fucking leathering him.

The barman, who looked about 60 if he was a day, vaulted over the bar like an Olympic gymnast, grabbed her with both hands, and literally launched her like a battering ram through the pub door. From start to finish the whole thing lasted less than 30 seconds, and peace suddenly descended on the place like nothing had happened.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:53, Reply)

There used to be a pub in Sunderland called the central
Locals used to call it the Fawcett Street Inn as it used to have a gay night
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:57, Reply)

We went to the Canny Man's Pub for Bloody Marys and sammiches

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:59, Reply)

Morningside is full of bufties and the fur coat and nae knickers brigade.
Grassmarket, George IV Bridge, Cowgate - that's where you want to be.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:02, Reply)

I was a taxi ride away, as I recall
Always had a good night out in Edinburgh
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:04, Reply)

Edinburgh is indeed the balls.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:39, Reply)

surely
llw
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 17:14, Reply)

Well obviously, but I had to make it understandable to the soft southern woofters.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 13 Jun 2014, 17:30, Reply)

I was in a pub in Wales with some friends.
This big, wieght lifter type guy wanted to get past one of them, who was sitting on a stool. Friend shuffles forward a bit. Apparently that wasn't enough as this guy bends over, grabs the stool, picks it and my friend up and throws him a clear six foot across the bar.

Fuckin' 'roids, man. Never seen anything like it.
( Kroney, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:12, Reply)

A bit Llanfair that, dont you think?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:16, Reply)

My local is staying closed tomorrow as there is apparently a large EDL march taking place nearby.
Odds on Noel participating?
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:56, Reply)

Is he a racist?

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 13 Jun 2014, 15:59, Reply)

I wandered into a old pub in town renowned for it's selection of whisky's.
My mate gets the attention of the middle-aged barman and orders 2 pints.
As he's pouring them my mate leans over and says 'Here man, weren't you the cunt from The Shamen who fucked it off before they were famous?'
With a solemn nod of the head he breathes 'Aye.'
( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:01, Reply)

E's a good barman though eh?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:24, Reply)

pub duck
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:02, Reply)

My mate Bassett (who is in Hyde & Beast) used to have a pet duck
TRUFAX
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:06, Reply)

I've not had any alcohol
Or been in a pub for 5 whole days. I'm actually totally sober for the first time this year. I don't like it. Will fix at 5pm
( Locus213 Slightly to the left of Bakunin, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:03, Reply)

Excellent plan

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:04, Reply)

Gay.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:05, Reply)

Not interested mate
try the next bloke
( Locus213 Slightly to the left of Bakunin, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:07, Reply)

I'm on call this week.
Haven't had a pint since Sunday. I feel unusual and thoughts are coming in.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:05, Reply)

I've had a week on nights,
Not a drop since Sunday afternoon. It's weird.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:14, Reply)

Drop Mrs off at restaurant
Drive home, open beer, watch match with father-in-law
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:15, Reply)

Eh?

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:19, Reply)

My evening plans

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:20, Reply)

Whereas mine are
Drive to restaurant, pick up Mrs Sportscow, smash back doors clean off hinges, drive back to restaurant, sling her in gutter, go for beers.
( Kroney, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:21, Reply)

Can you not give her a lift home afterwards?
Saves on taxi fare
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:22, Reply)

Do me a favour, The North's fucking miles away. I'm on a clock.

( Kroney, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:22, Reply)

Fixed price taxis to/from town FTW

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:23, Reply)

Strikethrough L
Ahahahahaha
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:37, Reply)

You know what else he told me?
That one day a kid, or a crazy wild-eyed man would come along striking though that l and when they did...

I didn't think it'd be you.
( Kroney, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:42, Reply)

I couldnt be bothered, sorry

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:44, Reply)

\0/

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:48, Reply)

I'm going straight from here to the pub.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:12, Reply)

As long as its not on a bike

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:15, Reply)

Pissed cycling is great fun.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:20, Reply)

I have a scar under my chin from where a skip jumped out in front of me after LOTS of champagne

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:20, Reply)

As a yout, I bent the forks on my dads bike cycling home from a mates after work gave me a bottle of wine "to give to your mum and dad".
I'm not sure if he was more annoyed about the forks or the fact he missed out on the bottle of wine.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:34, Reply)

Column A/Column B

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:35, Reply)

Probably B.
It was only a Hawk Trakatak.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:59, Reply)

Who was it that wanted a turret?
www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2657085/Want-king-small-castle-Former-watch-tower-features-TURRET-goes-market-bargain-250-000.html

I run past this
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:31, Reply)

ME

( Kroney, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:42, Reply)

There you go then
Reasonably priced too
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:43, Reply)

Tyne and Wear? GTF

( Kroney, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:44, Reply)

How can it have 4 bedrooms and yet be too small for most families?
That makes no fucking sense - like the decor, in fact.

Looks like a pikey's caravan.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:46, Reply)

it says the bedrooms are in the basement, which isn't great for kids
and the lounge/living room looked tiny. they might just fit little bunkbeds.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 17:40, Reply)

I'm in the pub right now
True story.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:40, Reply)

Tangles
You heard of Hyde & Beast?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:41, Reply)

I don't think so
Should I have?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:43, Reply)

Dunno
My mate plays drums in them and they are probably your kind of thing
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:44, Reply)

I'll look them up when I'm next at a computer
Always open to New suggestions
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:46, Reply)

Brilliantine then

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:46, Reply)

I suggest you try a Hutchence

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:47, Reply)

That'd be a nice surprise for mrs tangles when she returns from her weekend away
Me sporting a dead man's panhandle, hanging from the rafters
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:50, Reply)

She'd best not get too close, eh?
i.imgur.com/zQFLwy6.gif
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 17:19, Reply)

They sound shit

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:44, Reply)

I'm doing a curry night atmy local from next week. I suggested one, but the chef won't work past five, so asked me to do it.
3 curriesfrom 6 with rice or chips for 6 quid sounds fair. You are all invited.
(DBT became a fruitarian on, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:40, Reply)

RIght, well children - it's time to say
This is shit and your all gay.

I'm off down the pub.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:44, Reply)

Can somebody tell all these fuckers calling me that it's Friday and I can't be fucked with them anymore?

( Kroney, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 16:55, Reply)

If it makes you feel better I'm on the train home

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 17:22, Reply)

Prick
I hope you get sucked out of a window and onto the third rail.
( Kroney, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 17:23, Reply)

I hope all your systems crash just as payroll is about to be processed So you have to stay all night

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 17:25, Reply)

pubs are quite nice, but I suspect few anecdotes in them
are interesting to those who weren't there and pissed. Having said that I've been funny in a pub (twice). Funny haha and everything
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 17:11, Reply)

I'm staying in tonight.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 13 Jun 2014, 17:23, Reply)

Yer me too, I'm thinking garden, takeaway and rose*


*please imagine this has an e acute on the end thx
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 17:25, Reply)

^Looking to get bummed.
Garden, Stella and maybe a kebab later.
:D
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 13 Jun 2014, 17:31, Reply)

There's a pub in that there Bristol in Montpellier called the Cadbury where you can smoke weed in the garden
We did it all the time, although I'm not sure that you were actually allowed to or we made it up
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 17:24, Reply)

I've had 2 office beers
and later I'm off to a pub.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 17:25, Reply)

Office beers, even more tragic than train beers

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 17:27, Reply)

We,re not allowed booze in the surgery :((

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 17:37, Reply)

Drink the hand gel

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 17:39, Reply)

3 now

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 17:51, Reply)