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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Lucky Monty has a cast iron alibi for last night

What would you do if you heard someone in your house?

Alt: it's sunny! best thing to do on the beach?

Altalt: best ice cream??
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:16, 93 replies, latest was 9 years ago)
Our local bobby actually advised us to keep a golf club or similar handy
anything you could get a good swing with, really. Since I'm not an Internet hardman I don't keep weapons in the house though.
alt: drinking and sitting.
altalt: butterscotch
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:19, Reply)

There is a criminal case about intent where the weapon was a screwdriver - it was all about what the burglar intended to do when he picked it up, ie did he mean to use it as a weapon before or after picking it up.

Makes you realise how many innocuous objects around the house could be nasty. *straps a budgie to each fist*
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:22, Reply)
If you're fisting budgies you should really go talk to Dozer

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:26, Reply)
Not up!
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:35, Reply)
When I was about 17 my mum came downstairs to find a guy passed out on the sofa.
His mate had said he would leave the door unlocked for him in the house across the road. When he found it locked he assumed he had the wrong house, tried my mums door, walked in and fell asleep. My mum woke him up, heard his apology and made him breakfast. When I told an American mate what happened she said that my mum was crazy and that her dad would have just got the gun and shot him whilst he was still asleep. I know which one I think is crazy.
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:22, Reply)
homeless guy working his way along the road, a different sofa every night
assume he hadn't thought of saying "his" house rather than "his mate's" as a feeble excuse to crawl into bed drunk with your mum in the early hours
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:20, Reply)
Alt. Best thing I ever did on the beach was get a blowy off a hot chick in a cave on Gwithian.
Altalt. Pralines and Dick
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:23, Reply)
does being in a cave count as bring on a beach? I think you're just bragging.

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:36, Reply)
Also caves are dark
So how did he know she was hot. There are many flaws in this tale.
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:37, Reply)
lies on the Internet.

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:38, Reply)
Are you suggesting she was a permanent cave dweller, dishing out blowjobs to anyone who entered?

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:39, Reply)
Yes, and he got the hermit crabs as a result

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:45, Reply)
She was my girlfriend and had left the cave on more than three occasions

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:49, Reply)
Yes, on Gwitihan the caves are on the beach

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:49, Reply)
I'd have said you leave the beach to enter the caves.

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:58, Reply)
Not really like that on Gwithian if you saw it it would make sense.

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:14, Reply)
I'll believe you. but just this once.

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:26, Reply)
Very shallow cave.
Not a cave at all really bit shit except for the blowy
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:30, Reply)

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:32, Reply)
Yeh, thats the one

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:57, Reply)
alt. Not penetrative sex. Maybe pétanque

Altalt. True Tutti Frutti, not that English mockery.
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:27, Reply)
I'd probably curl up into a ball and start blubbering

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:27, Reply)
One of the barristers I work with, a girl who lives by herself, heard burglars downstairs at 2 in the morning
She had her mobile and the police got there in time, but she was utterly shaken up.

Worse, one of my friend's sisters (she's a street artist in Leicester square so if you ever see her you'll know who she is, although if you have any brains you'll never go to Leicester square because hellhole) who is an artist was working at home one day in mile end. She opened the door to 2 men who were there to read the gas meter.

She left them in the kitchen then thought she should offer them a drink and went back in - to find them discussing whether they should kill her or just tie her up. She ran and they followed, into the lounge where the only escape was to jump off the balcony. And she's been in a wheel chair ever since, poor girl :( :( :(
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:33, Reply)
She should have bent her knees as she landed.

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:40, Reply)
I think she bent a bit more than that

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:44, Reply)
In the UK burglars have a right to do what they do.
Why not charge burglars with entering a property with the intention to rape a woman or child if one is present. Let them prove that they were only going to steal the possessions of the dwellers. Why just accept that home invasion is acceptable if all they are going to do is steal, make them suffer and pay. It is the duty of every man to protect their family by whatever means, tough on the burglar.
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:33, Reply)
Well we all know you'd offer them a permanent home with you
Those squatters are still waiting for your address to move into your garden btw. They're beginning to suspect you didn't really mean your kind offer but I assured them you did.
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:34, Reply)
I think you've misunderstood how squatting works.

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:37, Reply)
I might squat over your coffee table.

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:37, Reply)
I've got the camera all set up ready.

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:38, Reply)
No, they are willing to give up a life of squatting
In return for your kind offer.

Although they were very reluctant when they heard it was in Coventry.
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:43, Reply)
What offer am I supposed to have made?

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:44, Reply)
I'd probably set the dogs on any intruders.
Might confuse them long enough to get a good weapon together.

Alt: swim in the sea, followed by drinking and then as it cools down a nice beach campfire.

Altalt: pistachio. Or blueberry.
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:35, Reply)
Hahaha the burglars would think they'd started wearing fluffy ankle socks!

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:35, Reply)
they're vicious when it calls for it.

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:37, Reply)
When is it called for?

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:41, Reply)
apparently whenever they see a black lab. or a cat in the garden.
They are usually smaller than the cat.
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:48, Reply)
I would object to their actions verbally, and hopefully inspire them to turn their lives around.
Alt: Drown a baby in the sea
Altalt: Vanilla
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:44, Reply)
Spare gibbon helmet.

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:51, Reply)
Spare gibbon helmet

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:52, Reply)
But the Cornish Gold Centre used to advertise "See what a million pounds in five pound notes looks like!" (its disappointing) Thieves did a daring mission impossible type raid on the place, cut a hole in the roof and slid down on ropes, pilled the stacks of cash in a bag and escaped. The high tech cutting tool they left on the roof was worth more than the £200 wrapped around blocks of paper that they nicked.
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:53, Reply)
have a swim, laugh at the blubbery pink sunbathers, then go somewhere less dull

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:56, Reply)
some cunt on my train this morning had proper guff breath

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:59, Reply)
it wasn't me

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 8:59, Reply)
the joys of the commuter
People of The Future are going to look back on this period with the same disgust we look at mediaeval toilet habits.
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:03, Reply)
in the future this will all be portals

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:26, Reply)

Alt: Read books and listen to music in a deckchair in the shade while discreetly taking in the lasses in bikinis.

Altalt: torn between salt butter caramel and vanilla with chocolate coffee beans in it.
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:14, Reply)
Hide in the wardrobe
I went to see The Wombats at Brixton Academy last night. Baggenfock would have loved it, the typical attendee appeared to be a 14 year old girl dressed slutty. Fortunately I was with my girlfriend so I won't be appearing on any registers.

Alt: Sleep
AltAlt: Vanilla
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:18, Reply)

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:30, Reply)
Things that make you go Hmmmm

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:34, Reply)

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:35, Reply)
I have an old cricket bat under my bed.
I would simply apply my trademark square cut to the miscreants.

Alt: take the dog for a walk and let her try to catch the kites. Most LOL.

AltAlt: Mint choc chip.
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:33, Reply)
shit shit.

we agree on something.
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:45, Reply)
Your trademark shot is the square cut?! No way!

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:47, Reply)
oh christ
2 things
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:48, Reply)
Fuck-a-doodle-do Swipey, we could be brother and sister!!111

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:54, Reply)
that would explain the bickering

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 10:00, Reply)
I have an old skateboard deck that I'd batter the cunt with

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:40, Reply)
I've got a WWII German Dress Bayonet. I keep it razor sharp and I would almost certainly shit myself call the police and try and get out of the house
It looks like this incidentally

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:42, Reply)
Family heirloom?

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:44, Reply)
Great Granddads
Dunno how he got it, I assume he nicked it off a German during the war. My dad had an Argie helmet from the Falklands. Trophies I guess.
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:59, Reply)
I'll assume he got it with the rest of his kit issue.

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 10:02, Reply)
so an anti xenophobic charity has put a load of posters up on the tube
"hello my name is such-and-such, i'm an immigrant, i've been here for 30 years serving you as a nurse," that sort of thing. so far so good.

only out of all the millions of immigrants over the last 40 years, they have picked a "mary sithole" to be their poster girl.

HOW did they not see the inevitable coming at them like a tube out of the tunnel?
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:48, Reply)
maybe they did.
Maybe that was the unpaid interns last joke at the expense of the charity that has had him slave away for free for the last two years as his debts mounted, which led him to his eventual messy suicide in a Starbucks when his card was declined for a caramel latte.
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 9:54, Reply)
man that's dark

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 10:00, Reply)
you lawyers are as bad with unpaid interns.

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 10:02, Reply)
ours aren't
they get well paid. AND free sandwiches.

some of them are brilliant. some of them... are not.
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 10:05, Reply)
I don't get it.
I saw one saying I'm an Immigrant and for the last 8 years I've been picking daffodils.
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 10:01, Reply)
this is a sex work euphemism, right?

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 10:02, Reply)
the posters have been amended
with black marker pen

in a rather obvious way
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 10:05, Reply)
you tube commuters are a witty lot

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 10:22, Reply)
i sit there, on my drive or train into the exciting, buzzy city, and i wish that i had just worked that little bit less
so i could end up in a semi with a shitty lawn and driving a 10 year old car to an industrial estate.

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 10:22, Reply)
only thick people need to work hard

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 10:28, Reply)
If she'd work just a little bit harder though she might have been able to afford a whole flat.

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 10:31, Reply)
if daddy had paid for a better school she could have bought it herself

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 10:36, Reply)
i can see how yours might be so thick that you need to pay for their schooling
i won a bank scholarship that paid for all mine.
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 10:57, Reply)
depends how high your standards are
if you're really satisfied with what you've got, good for you.
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 10:32, Reply)
you sucked psychochomp's dick
you sure you want to talk about standards?
(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 10:35, Reply)
*fetches popcorn*

(, Tue 14 Apr 2015, 10:37, Reply)

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