Revenge suggestions please!
I've had my ups and downs with my ex but generally I've managed to keep it all amicable - he's the father of my children and so on.

However, his parents are cunts of the highest degree and they rule his life - just one of the reasons I left him.

Today they have cranked the control and the unpleasantness up considerably.

I'd like some nice satisfying (and ideally legal) methods of exacting some revenge upon them...other than living happily ever after without their son (which I am doing anyway)...

So Uncle and Auntie B3ta - suggestions please.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 12:15, 47 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Not me but a good friend...
...was once stood up on a date twice on the trot by the same guy. She added his email and details to Gaydar and the chap in question ended up with an inbox full of bum.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 12 Jan 2009, 12:17, Reply)

They believe the internet
is only as good as the Yellow Pages.

Seriously.

I'm tempted to sign them up for various publications to be sent to their house. Perhaps free quotes on incontinence aids. Or S&M gear.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 12:19, Reply)

You can combine the two...
...an ex-colleague of mine worked for a company that published "Rubber Nurse" magazine.

Signing them up for a year's subscription to incontinence pron with an option on any other publications which appeal might be an excellent idea.

*disclaimer - has never subscribed to "Rubber Nurse" magazine
*goes off to reference of geriatric prono*
*is dragged into HR to explain index.dat file*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 12 Jan 2009, 12:22, Reply)

Taxis and pizzas to their house at 3am can work
Although it's of questionable legality...

What you need is fire. That solves everything. PJM should be able to give you an alibi for the night in question.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 12:25, Reply)

Oh yes
I would give chickenlady an alibi and a half...

*horns*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 12 Jan 2009, 12:30, Reply)

you can't beat the old flaming paper bag and dog turd routine
1. Place bag full of turd on doorstep
2. Ignite
3. Ring bell and retreat to hidden vantage point
4. Cackle with glee as victim stamps out fire
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 12:32, Reply)

I'd love to do the flaming bag of dog poo
the only problem is that they live way out in the sticks and would see me (or anyone) coming and running away.

I'm considering the pizzas at 3am but I'm not sure that anyone would deliver out to them.

:/
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 12:42, Reply)

Don't send them taxis or pizza
as you'll not only annoy them, but the drivers and cooks who lose jobs and money.

I used this page bloody YEARS ago for some revenge of my own. The ideas may take a while to work but you can rest safe in the knowledge that things are working in the background:

www.student.uit.no/~paalde/revenge/Scripts/PLA003.html
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 12:42, Reply)

newspaper classifieds are a good one
put something in freeads, or a lot of things. realy ridiculous ones

I was got with this while at uni. must have had 30 calls asking if my massage table was still for sale...

you need to make sure that you advertise in a national, or in something that isn't local to you, otherwise phone area codes will give you away
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 12:44, Reply)

you could always
sign up for some ladies clothes, wigs and a push-up bra to be delivered to the bnobber parents addressed to miss "female approximation of your ex-husbands name" along with some counselling leaflets and gender re-assignment phamphlets
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 12:45, Reply)

Teach your children how hilarious
it is to repeat everything said to them in a high pitched voice.
Then send them over for the weekend.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 12:47, Reply)

For an appropriate response
I'd need to know what they did!
( Kroney, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 12:47, Reply)

Chomp
WINS!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 12:49, Reply)

The QOTWer...
...who got carved up by an old biddy in a Nissan Micra caught my imagination with his revenge act.

We waited until a cold, damp night and turned up outside the biddy's house with a vial of iron filings. He tipped them on the bonnet of the Micra in such a way as to read "Peado!".

The next morning, the now rusty iron filings had eaten through the paintwork and a cheery "Peado!" was etched in turd brown on the bonnet.

To sort that out will take much more than a respray.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 12 Jan 2009, 12:53, Reply)

If you have any genuine complaints..
..arising from looking after your son and any contact you are required to have with the ex because of your son, go to the social services. If you are not required to speak to the offensive parties and are being harrassed by them, get a restraining order.

What will petty vengeance achieve? Sure you could get phones bombarded with calls replying to some ad you've posted (say) but it seems like a lot of time and effort, and stress for not a few people, and all for nothing eventually.. what's the point?
(raymond "three griddle pans" luxury yacht lovin' the christmas action, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 12:57, Reply)

@ETP
Sometimes it's constructive to simply run the revenge scenarios through your head without actually going through with it.

It's something I've done in the past, it helps me keep my sense of perspective.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 12 Jan 2009, 13:03, Reply)

also
there's nothing better than revenge for getting back at somebody.

except maybe vengeance.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 13:05, Reply)

I think I've suggested this on here before
Do they have a nice lawn?

If so, either write out a word on the grass like 'cunts' or draw a CDC with diesel. Nothing will grow there ever again.

For a fluffier approach, simple plant a different type of grass seed (lighter/darker in colour) on the lawn using the same choice word/picture.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 13:21, Reply)

I presume that
as these offensive people are the grandparents of you child(ren), you may not be able to escape all contact with them.

However, if you ever find youself going to their house to drop the grandkids off, take a few pocketfulls of cherry tomatoes and babybel cheeses.

These are almost completely odourless and too small to be easliy identified when in your pockets and are the perfect size for hiding around the house* (think, behind the wall-clock, on top of the curtain pelmet, in the uplighter lamps etc).

After a few weeks their house will begin to reek to high heaven and they will have no idea why.

If you have the chance, unscrew a fresh air vent on the wall and hide a kipper behind it. This has the same effect but is much harder to carry out due to odour/DIY problems.

For best results, pierce the tomatoes just before hiding and unwrap the babybel.
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Mon 12 Jan 2009, 13:24, Reply)

^Yes!
Diesel CDC for the win!
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 12 Jan 2009, 13:24, Reply)

Instead of diesel CDC
use fertilizer. The lawn will grow like hell in the shape of the CDC and they will have to spend all of their time mowing to keep it from showing up.

Besides, it's impossible to press charges if you're feeding their lawn, instead of damaging it...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 12 Jan 2009, 13:30, Reply)

a nice solution Loon
I like it
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 13:31, Reply)

psychochomp
ftw. using children as the instruments of your revenge is safe, effective, cheap and only fractionally morally questionable.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 13:33, Reply)

Turd in a box
Write a nice letter to London zoo explaining that you are a keen amatuer biologist.

Ask them if they could send you a stool sample from an elephant for a study you are currently doing into methane extraction, telling them 8- 10 kilos should do the trick.

Enclose a £10 note to cover postage/donate to the zoo.

Await hilarious results as a large box of elephant dung is delivered to the in laws! (providing you remember to put their name and address on the letter)
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 13:39, Reply)

The best revenge is usually the simplest.
Piss in their marmalade.

OR Steal all of their rulers and tape measures, suddenly they'll find themselves living a world where they don't know the size of ANYTHING
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 13:45, Reply)

Get several Sunday papers
Each one will yield several dozen freepost offers you can send off for on their behalf.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 13:51, Reply)

Ooo! Just thought of another good one!
I can't remember which QOTW it was, but I recall someone telling of how he had responded to a Nigerian scammer through email, got the scammer convinced that he was a ready mark, then gave the Nigerian his roommate's cell phone number. Apparently neither could understand the other and much confusion abounded.

Do this with a few Nigerian scammers, giving their mailing address and telephone number, and then sit back and watch the fun!
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 12 Jan 2009, 13:56, Reply)

Another one from QOTW
Send them a note simply saying 'I know'
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 13:57, Reply)

Thank you everyone
These suggestions have cheered me up no end.

In reality I'm entirely in agreement with Elvis - revenge will achieve nothing and may in fact make things worse for the kids.

However, imagining the impotent rage on my ex-father-in-law's face keeps me smiling.

What have I really done?

Contacted the CSA again - he officially pays nothing whatsoever towards the children's upkeep as he is apparently penniless, despite driving a new car....amazing what a good accountant can do.

I hope to keep the moral high ground and hopefully show my children that laughing at nasty selfish individuals is better than becoming like them. They'll make their own decisions in time and I've never said a bad word against their father because he *is* their father.


And I'd feel bad if I did something nasty to them, even if they're evil.

Bloody hell, I *am* Pollyfuckinganna.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 14:00, Reply)

Hmmmmmm
Find your local wretched hive of scum and villainy. Make it known there is a house in a remote location with a shitload of valuable gear (whether this be true or not). Sit back and wait.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 12 Jan 2009, 14:00, Reply)

Bloody hell, I *am* Pollyfuckinganna.

Mmmmmm. Polly fucking Anna.
( djtrialprice, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 14:04, Reply)

Brilliant accountants -
They don't come cheap. It'll take several bottles of scotch and some hefty fees to pull tax planning like that.

Maybe an anonymous phone call to the Tax Office with a tip off is a good one - especially if someone apparently "skint" has the use of a swanky new car. He should pay tax on that as a benefit in kind for private mileage.

By the way, I've had a lot of dealing with Tax Office people over the years in my professional capacity. Nine times out of ten, the person who shops someone to the Tax Office is female - a wronged partner/liaison/secretary etc.

It should also be noted that HM Revenue & Customs have been handed some very tough recovery targets by the HM Treasury, as they're anxious to recover as much tax and associated penalties as possible.

www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/money/tax/article5485166.ece

The tax nazis will be rubbing their sweaty, grasping little hands with glee over this.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 12 Jan 2009, 14:14, Reply)

dj
any particular Anna?

Friel? Ryder-Richardson (strange face but sooooo would)?
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 14:14, Reply)

Shamefully enough
I used to have a thing for A R-R (think it was her mischievious bossiness). Not now though, let's stick with Friel instead.
( djtrialprice, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 14:45, Reply)

Just have a lovely life with your kids and new partner and be happy.
That should really piss them off.
( girlinthehole, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 15:16, Reply)

Provided they're not
slagging you off in front of the kids - if they are, send me the address and some 'friends' of mine will do the rest - I'd wait for the kids to see them for what they really are.

It takes a long time, but the absolute best revenge is to see gits like that left lonely in old age. If the boys' father can't stand up to them, he deserves to be boiled in oil. The kids will see through him eventually as well.

*hugs* for what its worth.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Mon 12 Jan 2009, 15:37, Reply)

^^this, really.
For a fact the thing that seems to have really pissed off Nurse Ratched the most over the years is how I was able to pick up the pieces of my life and go on and have new relationships and rebuild my life successfully as a single person.

*sigh* God, I think about all the years of her being so angry and bitter toward me... she's really put herself into a strange little corner of Hell.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 12 Jan 2009, 15:38, Reply)

I've got a great one!
You'll need calipers, a ventuous, scissors for performing an episiotomy, and Verne Troyer.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 15:43, Reply)

^^I think I see where you're going with that!
Don't forget the guacamole (though pesto would do as well) and about a gallon of stale cow piss.

Oh, and a plumber's helper.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 12 Jan 2009, 16:00, Reply)

Boys, boys
you forgot the cling film and sellotape .....
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Mon 12 Jan 2009, 16:09, Reply)

Ah yes, the clingfilm!
And a couple of jars of Cheez Whiz to slather him with...

Oh, and some glycerol suppositories.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 12 Jan 2009, 16:39, Reply)

nice slow burn one this
bottle of heinz ketchup - tip half the contents out add two bottles of optrex

go round and switch for the one in their cupboard

there is NOT A SINGLE HOUSE IN THE UK that does not have half a bottle of sauce in the kitchen

over the ensuing weeks/months they take to consume the skitter inducing sauce they will blame every sausage, chip, takeaway etc for the resulting runs

they will never suspect the condiment itself

who would?
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 16:46, Reply)

spimf
you sir, are a winner
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 17:46, Reply)

Send a love letter.....
....to one of the parents. No return address or anything like that. Speaking of some past experience that you know of, such as an old holiday or something and listing some kind of sleazy experiences! Address it to the wife, confessing of guilt of having slept with a married man. Result.
(Grove is the collector of WOO and hoarder of YAY, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 18:24, Reply)

Ah but Spimf
From the sound of it there's will be Tesco's Value Ketchup.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 18:27, Reply)

^^^ Send them a note simply saying 'I know'
A note saying "They know" is even better.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 1:18, Reply)

Sneak into the ex's parents' house with the current Mr. Chickenlady
Go to their bedroom and shag him senseless on their bed. Make sure they catch you in the act. If confronted, don't stop.

Length? Don't apologise.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 1:49, Reply)