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(I helped save b3ta! rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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So,
You've had your crimes discovered and you're to be banished to a desert island for the rest of your life.
No human contact, but enough food and water to survive.

The Supreme Judge has, however, allowed you to take three things with you.
What do you pick?

THINGS, not people. And he's obviously not gonna let you have a boat or a helicopter.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 10:44, 161 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Hmm
A boat, a helicopter, and my missus.

In your face, Kaol!
(I helped save b3ta! Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 14 Jul 2009, 10:46, Reply)
This is terrible.
You deserve to be banished for that.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 10:48, Reply)
I know
I'm sorry, I have a hangover and really should be working. Just had a cornish pasty to soak some of it up.

It's not working yet.
(I helped save b3ta! Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 14 Jul 2009, 10:50, Reply)
An axe,
A flint,
A hot tub,
(PsychoChomp, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 10:47, Reply)
Hmmm...
Pens, Paper (for doodling of course)... and a drum kit! If I was alone I could learn to play without causing anyone’s ears to bleed.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 10:48, Reply)
I read that as
penis, paper
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:19, Reply)
Hehe
That would have been slightly more random, hell I could draw a penis with my pens and paper! :)
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:28, Reply)
Fleshlight
Butt plug
Margarine
(I helped save b3ta! chart cat has an itch, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 10:50, Reply)
Hahaha!
I can't see you lasting more than a month.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 10:51, Reply)
A month
would be plenty
(I helped save b3ta! chart cat has an itch, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:22, Reply)
Solar pannels, laptop, lifetime-unlimated-data mobile phone.

(I helped save b3ta! G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 10:54, Reply)
A hatchet
A gallon of baby oil
A fully charged satellite phone.
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 10:55, Reply)
A pair of two mile-high stilts.
"How to Walk on Stilts" by John Arbuckle.
A Curly-Wurly.
(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 10:55, Reply)
Oooh good
call on the Curly-Wurly, I have one of those in my desk drawer at the moment... I fear it might be melty! :(
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 10:56, Reply)
I haven't had one for ages
but the rain has made my hair look like one.
*heads off to shops*
(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:00, Reply)
Hehe
Awww that's not good, I hate it when it rains and it makes hair all bouffanty! :(
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:03, Reply)
I read a book about a guy who was in Class A nick, and he kept on getting books like "Pole volting for beginers" sent to him.

(I helped save b3ta! G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 10:57, Reply)
Free pole with first issue.
Mmm...pole.
Not South Pole, obviously. That's not happening.
(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:01, Reply)
Right...
1) A big survival book
2) An Axe
3) One of those striking flint things for making sparks.

A 4th item would be a clockwork radio
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 10:55, Reply)
Easy
Solar powered bag
A laptop with the whole of wikipedia on it along with other useful information from the net
A machete
(I helped save b3ta! Captain V, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:02, Reply)
The whole of Wikipedia?
This explains so much about you, and how one can know so much that is both useless and LIES.
(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:06, Reply)
This is a terrible lie
I make sure people know when I'm guessing about stuff.

People thought it was interesting when I told them that Uranus' rotational axis is almost parallel to it's orbital plane. Mind you I was in a room full of massive geeks.
(I helped save b3ta! Captain V, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:24, Reply)
Some hair straightners, a sarong and moisturizer.
Just because I'm alone doesn't mean I can't look presentable.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:03, Reply)
That’s very impressive.
I think I’d be on an island alone for about half an hour before I turned into a jibbering mess of frizzy hair, teeth and claws, climbed a tree and ate a crab.

EDIT - I'd probably look similar to Animal from The Muppet Show.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:09, Reply)
Without suncream, I would resemble Sebastien from the Little Mermaid
minus the ridiculous accent.
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:18, Reply)
Hehe
You'd have to put on the accent, just for fun! :)
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:29, Reply)
For myself,
It'd have to be:

1) A set of survival knives
2) An axe
3) A guitar (preferably with a whole load of spare strings hidden somewhere)
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:07, Reply)
Runner-up choices
Include:
A durable cowboy hat.
A pair of dogs (male and female).
Sunglasses.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:10, Reply)
Bitch.

(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:12, Reply)
And hound.

(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:13, Reply)
*ticks Kaol's biology workbook*

(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:16, Reply)
Guitar? Pffft.
If Kirk Douglas could make one from a turtle shell, so can you.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:12, Reply)
What if there aren't turtles?
THEN what am I gonna play?
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:13, Reply)
A desert island without turtles?
That would just be weird. There are always turtles.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:23, Reply)
Not really.
Turtles don't live on islands.
They lay eggs on the beach once a year, if you're lucky.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:25, Reply)
So you would learn patience.
Which is a virtue much prized by fishermen. Apparently.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:57, Reply)
damn you Kaol
and your choosing of the things that I would choose!
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:15, Reply)
Look at this!
cscwholesale.com/images/SKSRV3_800.jpg
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:17, Reply)
very nice
I like a good axe myself.

at the moment I am limited to a very old and much grindstoned hatchet. you kind of have to bludgeon your way through things with it.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:26, Reply)
An island?
No human contact?
OMG - IT'S THE ISLE OF WIGHT.
I shall choose death.
(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:09, Reply)
I'm sorry.
Death chooses not to choose you.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:10, Reply)
You are NOT the Supreme Judge
anywhere but in your tiny pea-brain.
(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:12, Reply)
I've never been
To the Isle Of Wight.
I'm guessing that I'm lucky.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:12, Reply)
Neither have I...
but I flew over it once. I felt like Wilbur Wright must have done when he flew over the barren wastelands of North Carolina.
(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:15, Reply)
I've been quite a lot
used to sail there from chichester.

I quite like it.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:15, Reply)
But you're from Devon.
You've lost all sense of hope.
(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:16, Reply)
I like the IoW
So in your face Clendrix
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:20, Reply)
*readies face*

(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:21, Reply)
TIDAL WAVE HO!

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:22, Reply)
*is washed away to desert island*
FUCK IT! I'm back where I started.
*gets stilts*
(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:23, Reply)
Sorry
I have a boat though we can go for a cruise though if you like *waggles*
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:28, Reply)
*waggles also*

(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:31, Reply)
shit
that's two things we've agreed on today...
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:27, Reply)
The end of the world is nigh

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:31, Reply)
S'alright
I went there twice when I was a kid. I remember lots of different coloured sands and a seagull eating my chips, oh and a pearl museum. I'm sure there is more though!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:16, Reply)
I thought the Isle of Wight was just a myth
like global warming and the dangers of passive smoking
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:14, Reply)
My fighter jet.
A first aid kit.
An engagement ring, just in case.
(Edmund has no idea what you mean, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:10, Reply)
HAHAHA!
TERRIBLE LIES ONLINE!
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:11, Reply)
Is your first aid kit for your poorly knee?

(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:11, Reply)
I keep seeing this and thinking it's the real one.
Are you lying about who you really are, Edmund?
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:13, Reply)
It's him.
I was out with Edmund last night.
(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:17, Reply)
Oh wow.
Where was your date? A midnight flight across the South Pole sky?
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:24, Reply)
That was the plan,
but due to a terrible spork accident, we ended up at the pub.
He's smaller IRL.
*sniggers*
(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:25, Reply)
Seriously
Huge survival knife
Big flint
SAS Survival guide by Ray Mears.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:10, Reply)
How about "The Bear Grylls Survival Guide"
1) Do some dramatic running and jumping
2) Find a hotel
3) Profit
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:16, Reply)

Ray Mears Lofty Wiseman
(I helped save b3ta! M o D, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:26, Reply)
Hmm.
A Kindle or something like that with infinite memory and every book EVER- I love reading and real books, but you can get a whole library on that. Highlights include the entire back catalogue of Neil Gaiman, Steven King, H.P. Lovecraft, The Gormenghast trilogy (should keep me done for about 3 years), and Mills and Boone.

Lots and lots and LOTS of factor 50 suncream.

A piano.
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:16, Reply)
Your book list deserves to be mocked.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:18, Reply)
Yup.
Only read one Steven King book, quite like it. Easy to read but quite fun. I read Titus Groan when I was 12 and it has since been the weirdest book I've read. Took bloody ages. And I love Neil Gaiman.
And you need PornLite.
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:19, Reply)
Have you tried reading a book for grownups?

(PsychoChomp, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:22, Reply)
Do you know how old I am?
Erm. Last grownup book I read...

...


...


...


...

Erm. The Man in The High Castle, by Phillip K. Dick?
/science fiction
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:23, Reply)
I have no idea how old you are,
I like Phillip K dick though so I will stop mocking you for the time being.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:25, Reply)
18. So not REALLY a grown up.
Is my book choice excused now?
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:28, Reply)
No, not excused,
just explained.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:30, Reply)
Neil Gaiman is great
shut your hole
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:28, Reply)
You're a gaiman.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:31, Reply)
Haahahaaa
Vipros is ghey.
(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:32, Reply)
so's your face

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:33, Reply)
So it is!
I never noticed before.
(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:34, Reply)
HAHAHA GHEY FACE!
Though this doesn't explain why all those men like spunking on it.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:42, Reply)
men like lesbians
QED
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:46, Reply)
If you like
Lovecraft and King you might like Richard Matheson too. He wrote I am Legend and Stir of Echoes, both been made into bad films but the books are brill! :)
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:23, Reply)
I've not read much Lovecraft yet
Hence wanting to spend eternity catching up.

LOVE "Shoggoth's Old Peculiar" though. There's a YouTube of Neil reading it, it's hilarious. Basically an American tourist ends up in Innsmouth and gets pissed wiht the locals.
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:29, Reply)
Ah gotcha!
My chappy is really into Neil Gaiman, I haven't read anything by him yet, there on the list of books to read along with all the Terry Pratchett's!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:32, Reply)
shoggoth
is really close to my name. I felt really popular for a second
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:32, Reply)
*fears*

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:35, Reply)
A piano is my second instrument choice.
But I have absolutely no idea how to play one.

Maybe it'd be better than a guitar, in that you could weather-proof it.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:19, Reply)
I find piano harder and easier than guitar
On the one hand, you press a note on piano and BING. You leave tuning to professionals.

On the other hand, the nightmare of two hands moving independently of each other. Seriously. I'm a spaz at rhythm.
EDIT: I know the guitar does that, but I can't explain how I find it different. Maybe both hands are producing notes and you can play a lot more than about 10 notes maximum per movement thingy.
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:21, Reply)
With a guitar,
You're working both hands together to get one note/chord.
With a piano you could have a fuck-load more going on at once, I guess.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:23, Reply)
I used to play guitar.
I don't like how you can produce the same note multiple times in different positions (e.g. open string = string above on 5th fret). It confuses me.

Piano is lully when you get it right though. Occasionally you click and it's great.
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:25, Reply)
not necessarily
:-P
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:30, Reply)
I can't play piano.
I can just about play guitar.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:31, Reply)
I can't play piano either
wish I could. should learn really as I have one in my kitchen
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:32, Reply)
Hmm...
A titanium Leatherman tool with spare parts included.

A small fusion power station

A waterproof PC complete with long range wireless internet and a lifetime's worth of subscriptions to MILF websites, survival guides, movies on demand and an extensive online library.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:19, Reply)
Have you ever USED a Leatherman for anything for more than a couple of minutes?
They're so uncomfortable.
I think you'd be better off with a machete :p
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:21, Reply)
Okay
A titanium machete with a built in Leatherman and lots of spare parts.

That'll do it.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:24, Reply)
Haha!
What would you need a screwdriver for?
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:26, Reply)
Fixing my PC and my mini-fusion power station...
...Obviously
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:33, Reply)
Ah yes!
Silly me.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:35, Reply)
I've got a Leatherman Ti and
...and by Christ, you're right! I'd never really noticed until just now. The screwdriver is unbelievably awkward and the saw is only useful on branches that I can easily snap with my bare hands.
(I helped save b3ta! chart cat has an itch, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:25, Reply)
They're a useful little tool,
In that you've got all of the bits that you might need in one place.
But the amount they cost is crazy. You could get a tool kit and box for that.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:27, Reply)
Mine was a leaving present
Yay for presents
(I helped save b3ta! chart cat has an itch, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:28, Reply)
Yay indeed!
I've not got a tool kit either, to be fair.
*shrugs*

Putting together a flat-pack chest of drawers with a screwdriver, a rolling pin and my fists was an experience that I don't wish to replicate any time soon.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:33, Reply)
Hahaha!
Genuine LOLs :)
(I helped save b3ta! chart cat has an itch, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:33, Reply)
That image is very funny indeed.

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:35, Reply)
It worked extremely well.
Screwdriver for, well screwing stuff.
Rolling pin for tapping in fittings.
Fists for hammering the damn thing together.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:40, Reply)
if you want a multi tool you are better off with a good old Swiss Army Knife
the saw on that could take apart a battleship.

and mine has pliers.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:31, Reply)
But the blade doesn't lock
On most models.
Fine for basic stuff, but one false move and you've sliced yourself.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:34, Reply)
that is very true
but that is why you also have a machete

I only use the knives on my Swiss for delicate operations.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:34, Reply)
That's what scalpels are for :p

(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:35, Reply)
Scalpels are for carving a roast chicken
or erasing lines on a drawing

I rarely use the knife on my army knife really. not the big one anyway. the pliers, scissors and saw are much more useful.

also, it has that thing for sewing leather and stuff. that's bound to come in handy when fashioning a sail for your rudimentary raft out of the sun-cured hides of the sharks you have skinned.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:38, Reply)
More like...
...when fashioning a sail for your rudimentary raft out of the sun-cured hides of the sharks halibut you have skinned..."
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:41, Reply)
No way!
I'd make a fancy jacket out of the shark-leather.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:41, Reply)
fair point
but you'd still need the tool to sew it together
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:46, Reply)
*sniggers*
Tool...
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:47, Reply)
I want to be on your desert island
you're clearly more cut out for this sort of thing than me.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:41, Reply)
of course I am
look at my beard!

I'm already more rugged than all of the rest of you put together.

also, I know how to build a boat. and have many other civil engineering related skills.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:45, Reply)
I am an archaeologist.
I know how society works and the tools that make it work, and I can rebuild one from scratch.

I also put out.

I win.
(I helped save b3ta! crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:00, Reply)
sounds like we've got the makin's of a fine desert island getaway
cat-gnome can be a cabana boy
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:18, Reply)
and
cats like fish and gnomes like fishing, so he can get dinner for us.
(I helped save b3ta! crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:22, Reply)
ideal
I cook pretty well too.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:32, Reply)
Things not people
Can I take catface then?
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:24, Reply)
You CAN.
But do you WANT to?
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:28, Reply)
Well I'd make
him my island slave. Then I can spend more time doing nothing
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:32, Reply)
Excellent plan!

(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:34, Reply)
You could make yourself a front lawn.
And then you could put him on the front lawn on a toadstool, holding a fishing rod.
(I helped save b3ta! crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:34, Reply)
Or
I could get him to make it.
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:35, Reply)
Get him to make a rockery too.

(I helped save b3ta! crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:36, Reply)
A tasteful one?

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:40, Reply)
A katana
A satellite phone
A solar-powered MP3 player.
(I helped save b3ta! Maladicta, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:25, Reply)
eh,
Knife.
Rope.
Solar charged vibrator.
(I helped save b3ta! crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:27, Reply)
It wouldn't work at night?

(PsychoChomp, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:31, Reply)
I could still use it even if it wasn't vibrating.

(I helped save b3ta! crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:33, Reply)
It would be shit at cutting down trees though,

(PsychoChomp, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:34, Reply)
you haven't seen the sort of toys she likes
nightmare-inducing
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:35, Reply)
I'd make myself a stone axe for that.

(I helped save b3ta! crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:35, Reply)
The term used was "charged" not "powered"...
...which would imply some kind of onboard-dildo energy storage cell.

Charge by day, work all night.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:34, Reply)
I like the way you think.
I see why chickenlady keeps you.
(I helped save b3ta! crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:36, Reply)
To be fair...
...she hasn't yet worked out where the batteries go.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:37, Reply)
That's what you said about V
but it wasn't true. I tried
(Bazongaloid, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:37, Reply)
Lifetime supply of bog roll.
Huge quantity of pva glue.
GPS.

Papier mache escape canoe here we come!
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:34, Reply)
This is funny
because there's no way you could be bothered to attempt to escape.
(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:36, Reply)
I disagree, he'd be really keen on the first day
and then he'd get bored and make a papier mache cat instead.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:38, Reply)
Absolutely.
And concealed within the papier mache cat, before I send it floating across the ocean, a note crudely scrawled in my own faeces pleading for rescue.

Dammit, should have brought a pen.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:43, Reply)
I think Wookiee
would make little models of us all and a paper maiche crown for himself and pretend he was the king of B3tan.

Hopefully he would squash Mini Al first
*places bet*
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:43, Reply)
I can't believe he hasn't done this already.

(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:44, Reply)
What did you think had happened to Bert?

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:48, Reply)
You melted him down for glue?
Good call
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:49, Reply)
Papier mache is not substitute for the real thing

(I helped save b3ta! Captain V, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:43, Reply)
But it would almost certainly be vastly less annoying.
Even factoring in how fiddly making the whiskers would be.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:45, Reply)
:(
I wonder what a gnomecat would look like? Probably a bit too much like puss in boots for my liking.
(I helped save b3ta! Captain V, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:48, Reply)
Have you not encountered a mirror lately?

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:50, Reply)
They always break

(I helped save b3ta! Captain V, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:58, Reply)
At least you can see yourself.
Kaol can't :(
(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:06, Reply)
I know.
I had to hire a look-alike, so I can dress him up in my clothes to make sure I look awesome when I wear them.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:08, Reply)
So that's why you have that
mini version of you.
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:09, Reply)
Well, it was cheaper to get a small version.

(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:10, Reply)
Takes wanking to a whole new level.

(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:10, Reply)
HA!
This I would pay to see.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 11:38, Reply)
Granfors Small Bush Axe
Good bush knife
Set of Waterstones
(I helped save b3ta! M o D, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 12:27, Reply)
Im gonna go for
1. Guitar (crammed full of spare strings)
2. Tuner for said guitar
3. A big pile of assorted drugs*

That should keep me going for a while



*If this doesn't count as one thing then an industrial size tub of vaseline
(Is this a good idea? ... Yes this is definitely a good idea, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 13:03, Reply)

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