The B3ta Support Group For Cunts
Are you a cunt? Are you dissatisfied with the appalling lack of humour on B3ta at the moment? Do you become ENRAGED at mongs on the internet?
Do you sometimes have a little cry to yourself at night because actually, you're not really a cunt at all?

You pathetic retard, join the Support Group for cunts, our three step programme will have you right as rain in no time.

Step 1: Admit that you're a cunt.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 11:59, 223 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hi, my name's Robert
and I've been a cunt for more than a year now.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 11:59, Reply)

I bet this seemed funnier in your head

(PsychoChomp, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:00, Reply)

you're here because you're too scared to admit it
it's ok psycho, this is a safe place
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:05, Reply)

You might be a cunt,
but you're a pretty funny one for the most part.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:06, Reply)

So why is he considered a cunt and yet funny
while I, despite being funnier than Bert, am just considered to be a cunt?

That's really hurtful. You should apologise.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:09, Reply)

You were NEVER funnier than me
you're a hanger on al, a comedy clagnut if you will
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:11, Reply)

I think she's got
me on ignore again.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:17, Reply)

That's not a bad idea.

( thealternativefact, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:18, Reply)

Oi!
watch it you. Have your RJD tickets arrived yet? Mine haven't and neither have my slayer tickets.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:20, Reply)

No, but I don't think the RJD tickets get posted until nearer the time.
I am scared about the Slayer tickets, but I did call the company and confirm they'd been reserved.
( thealternativefact, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:27, Reply)

I got an e-mail a couple of weeks back
saying sorry for the delay in issuing the tickets. There is still a month to go.

I may get so excited I spontaneously ejaculate.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:29, Reply)

I might write to them.
It's all too important.
( thealternativefact, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:32, Reply)

She does
Post an apology for everything you've ever done, and I'll copy and paste it so she sees
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:21, Reply)

Okay
Dearest Poppet,

I gave you a second chance but you just hurt me again. I think this is a sad state of affairs as I was looking forward to meeting you at the airport with a little Union Jack Flag and some warm beer, but alas I will just have to wait in the pub like everyone else.

I still think of you when I'm cuddling my fiancee. I'm willing to give it another go, but I just need you to promise not to hurt me like that again.

All my love

althegeordie.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:25, Reply)

Aww, sweet

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:26, Reply)

Have you got al on ignore?

(PsychoChomp, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:20, Reply)

sure do.
I gave him a second chance and he blew it being a twat.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:22, Reply)

he does like to blow things....

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:22, Reply)

True Dat

(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:25, Reply)

I noticed that a while back.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:26, Reply)

He just posted this, I think it's sweet
Dearest Poppet,

I gave you a second chance but you just hurt me again. I think this is a sad state of affairs as I was looking forward to meeting you at the airport with a little Union Jack Flag and some warm beer, but alas I will just have to wait in the pub like everyone else.

I still think of you when I'm cuddling my fiancee. I'm willing to give it another go, but I just need you to promise not to hurt me like that again.

All my love

althegeordie.

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:26, Reply)

Thankyou sweety.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:27, Reply)

You're more 'funny' than 'cunty'.
That's the nicest I'm going to be today.
( thealternativefact, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:29, Reply)

When?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:30, Reply)

That's the nicest you've ever been to me.
I'm quite touched. In fact I'm going to have a celebratory wank over a picture of your face.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:31, Reply)

Oh this is lovely - my day gets better and better.

( thealternativefact, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:33, Reply)

Shucks, you

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:29, Reply)

Dearest Al.
Quite frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

Poppet.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:31, Reply)

Poppet, come on now
give him once last chance. I know he's been mean in the past, but he doesn't mean to come across that way, he wasn't even aware that he was crossing any lines.

It's all about cliques, if you knew him better you'd have taken it the way it was intended, and if he'd known you better he probably wouldn't have taken it so far. It was all an attention thing anyway.

Besides, if he does it again I'll just hunt him down and shit in his mouth
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:34, Reply)

no. He can apologise properly, without being patronising and twattish,
or he can get to fuck and wait at the pub.

There's a difference between crossing lines and going so far over them that if the earth was flat, he'd have fallen off it by now.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:37, Reply)

Fair enough

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:40, Reply)

Pfffft.
Beccy told me I cross a similar line last night.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:45, Reply)

She's probably just ttrying to get into your pants

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:47, Reply)

There's plenty of room in there...

( thealternativefact, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:51, Reply)

There is now your hands aren't in there.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:51, Reply)

*removes rubber gloves*
Consider yourself examined.
( thealternativefact, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:53, Reply)

*dives in*
eww. It's all sticky.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:00, Reply)

Can someone ask Poppet if she seriously thinks I need to apologise to her
I sometimes have massive problems in seeing the difference between sarcasm, sillyness and SERIOUS BUSINESS on the internet.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:11, Reply)

I would ask her, but I lack the bravery to say anything to anyones face online, on the internet, apparently.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:15, Reply)

It's all right
you can hide behind my cloak of invisibility since I'm on ignore.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:17, Reply)

I think she's serious
you've properly upset her
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:32, Reply)

Step 2
get my official badge
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:03, Reply)

Step 2 was going to be admit the cuntiest thing you've ever done
which in your case would be growing that beard
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:06, Reply)

just because it makes his face look like a big vagina
doesn't automatically make him a cunt
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:07, Reply)

You're a fine one to talk.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:08, Reply)

thanks :-D

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:09, Reply)

Hairy faces = sore vaginas

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:15, Reply)

Berts face = No vagina for him
Berts face + paper bag = okay but no cuddling afterwards.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:17, Reply)

Hahaha
It's funny because it's true. That and my hideously deformed internet penis
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:19, Reply)

there's a special technique
plus, my beard is long enough to be soft
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:17, Reply)

Even my short beard hair is soft
I use conditioner as a shaving cream. It's cheaper and better than pretty much anything else.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:18, Reply)

I've tried that
but didn't find it worked that well. think I might be doing it wrong though. or Mrs V uses the wrong conditioner
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:20, Reply)

As long as it's not supermarket own brand
you should be all right. I just buy whatever is on the cheapest two for one offer. I'm currently using Alberto Balsam tea tree and mint. It's all tingly like that Original Source stuff.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:22, Reply)

I use the mint shower gel
I used the mint shaving gel for a while. almost froze my face off.

I'll give the conditioner thing a go. I need a shave tonight. might be that it doesn't work because I only shave once a week, so it gets quite long
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:23, Reply)

Yeah, more often is better
and make sure you're using a sharp blade, especially if you have coarse hair.

Mine shouts "Cock!" a lot, so I need a very sharp razor.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:26, Reply)

I can't be arsed to shave more often
even though I quite enjoy it

most of my face is covered with beard or sideburns anyway, so it doesn't really matter if the intervening bit is stubbly.

I've been using a gilette fusion stealth ultra mega power or something. the many bladed vibrating one. Works a treat
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:29, Reply)

I used conditioner this morning, al's a liar
It makes your skin feel soft and lovely, but it makes you look like you've been bukkake'd again
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:23, Reply)

You're supposed to wash it off
now post my apology to Poppet bitch!

Edit - Awww, thanks.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:26, Reply)

I can't see how she could possibly not forgive you now
let's take OT back to the way it used to be, good clean fun with only a little bit of cuntiness thrown in

GAYLORD
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:29, Reply)

MOTHER BUMMER


Edit - your mum, not mine
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:30, Reply)

I would bum my mum
but I'd be scared of accidentally aborting hers and your mum's anal baby
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:32, Reply)

He really wants to be the JMG of /offtopic
But you just can't fake that level of retardation

P.s. my name is Rupert and I am a cunt
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:10, Reply)

The hell I am
I'm nice, friendly, warm, affectionate, and downright lovely, I also don't repeat myself half as much as JMG.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:12, Reply)

I AM AFFECTION
A bit like "this is Sparta", but without the black men getting kicked down holes.

No I concede you don't repeat yourself but do I sense a sickly desperation to be loved and followed by the denizens of this here board?
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:15, Reply)

Not really.
At the beginning of this year, maybe. B3ta was an addiction I hated but couldn't kick.

Now though I'm just here to be one of the many, and contribute just like everybody else. I came back and saw the desolate wasteland of OT (and some cunt pretending to be me the other night), it upset me so I wanted to revive it a little.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:17, Reply)

They weren't pretending to be you
everyone knows it's not really you. But it's still funny watching someone with the name Bert Monkeysex say "I'm a massive cunt"
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:19, Reply)

Is that what they said?
That's terrible, why would anybody bully me so horribly al, what did I do to deserve it?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:20, Reply)

Well
it all started when you said that crackhouse looked like your aunty sandra. And it just sort of spiralled from there.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:22, Reply)

Spiralled into a sexy mess of uncontrollable visual excrement?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:24, Reply)

Are you saying I look like shit?

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:34, Reply)

Now you're V's sloppy seconds, yes

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:35, Reply)

She's not very sloppy
he's not big enough to produce that much spunk.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:38, Reply)

I've been helping

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:42, Reply)

I've told you before
bumming Captain V is not going to make him produce more spunk. There isn't a connecting tube.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:43, Reply)

so you said
I've done it so hard that now there is
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:45, Reply)

I refuse to be a cunt even though I have some cunt in me.

( girlinthehole, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:34, Reply)

Who's in you?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:35, Reply)

*sheepishly raises hand*

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:36, Reply)

Haha!
I just can't imagine you doing anything sheepishly.
( girlinthehole, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:40, Reply)

ok
mock-sheepishly then :-P
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:41, Reply)

Christ I am a massive cunt.
Even with my potentially life-changing meeting with my boss looming, I got in at half three this morning and was at my desk an hour from my home at 8:15. Luckily I think it's more likely to be on Monday but I didn't know that whilst I was out last night.

What do I win?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:55, Reply)

a punch in the face

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:57, Reply)

Your job.
Until the next time. Don't go out on Sunday you cunt.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:58, Reply)

I'm shitting myself pretty much every minute of every day at the moment
and the only way I know for sure to take the edge of it is a load of pints and a load of bugle.

*punches own face*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:01, Reply)

what's the dealio with the meeting?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:03, Reply)

I emailed my boss at 8:55 yesterday morning
effectively saying 'I like my job (lying through my teeth) and I'm good at it (further lies) but unless you give me a five grand raise immediately I cannot afford to work here, live in my tiny East End flat and support my daughter at the same time. Yes there's a recession on but if I have to sell my flat to survive there's no point in carrying on with this shitty fucking job you tight-fisted Hebrew bastard'



or words to that effect
The meeting is to discuss my requirements...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:07, Reply)

that's quite an email
good luck!

we've been told, by email, that one of our offices is closing and that 30% of the staff in another are being got rid of. no one is shitting themselves here yet because we are really quite busy, but it's not great.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:09, Reply)

thanks mate
It's going to be a long, nervous weekend.

The one thing I have on my side is that (I hope) things cannot get any worse for me. Either I get the raise I need or I sell up and start a new life. Even after I've paid off my eye-watering debts I should still have a good 50 grand left. Not great for a 36 year old with no pension but better than I deserve, the way I've lived. As long as I get to keep my record collection and can pay my maintenance for Eleni I don't really care NB this is a massive lie, I care a shitload but am putting on a brave face as it's all my fault...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:20, Reply)

sounds like it could be a shitload worse mate

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:22, Reply)

True indeed
My poor brother's in negative equity. He bought his house about 5 minutes before prices started dropping. Poor sod. Where I live the area is very central and is constantly being renovated so prices have never gone down, they've just stagnated a bit.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:26, Reply)

pretty much same as here
our fixed rate ran out a little while ago and we were concerned we'd be in negative equity. not quite though, but it was close. fortunately we've got a lot to do to the house and its a desirable area
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:33, Reply)

Mine needs a fairly brisk facelift
Problems being

a) I am fucking shit at DIY and have zero motivation to do any anyway and
b) I can't afford to pay someone else to do it any more

Growing up we had maintenance people to do everything so I never learned the basics from my father. I bloody wish I had, I can tell you
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:39, Reply)

heh
my old man is a DIY master. Never learned anything from him though, except how to slice the ends of your fingers with a stanley knife.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:42, Reply)

Enough money to go out boozing / galavanting
*strokes chin*
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:10, Reply)

Cash withdrawn from the non-maxed credit card
I'm a cunt, you see.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:12, Reply)

I really think you are
either move to somewhere cheaper, get a better job, or chuck your little one off a cliff.

Asking your boss for a payrise when you're on £30,000pa, the bloody cheek of it. I hope he laughs his tits off as he hands you your P45
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:23, Reply)

The job I do,
with the 15 years' experience I have in it, means that were someone else be foolish enough to hire me to do it, my going rate would be nearer to 40k. I've not had so much as an inflationary raise in five fucking years.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:28, Reply)

Then you'll really have to kick up a fuss
write your demands on the office walls using a red sharpie, and throw your fax machine at the MD
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:30, Reply)

Ah.
I wrote them on his monitor in shit.

Was this wrong?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:31, Reply)

oh dear
that's a pretty heady combination, and i'm sure it only serves to intensify the feelings of despair and potential doom. i would suggest a few reefers, a bottle of wine and a pipe of DMT to make those fears simply, evaporate....but then probably return quite soon after.

an early night would probably work better
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:25, Reply)

In my current precarious place
I'm staying right away from hallucinogens for the time being.

Maybe tonight I will just have a hot bath, get biblically stoned and play a load of records for the benefit of my cat.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:30, Reply)

sounds good

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:39, Reply)

that sounds like plan
a reefer IN the bath as well, happy days, get browsing the records you haven't played for years and revel in how great they sound, like i done the other day with a load of half man half biscuit 12 inches, after 20 years, they still sound more dynamic than most cd's of today..however, once you have had a few doobs, played a few choice tunes, you look to see that is only 11pm, you might start getting twitchy, one last weekend of excess.....

....by 11:20, you're halfway to your favourite hostelry with the promise of a gak fest ringing in your ears. that's the bit you should try and avoid, if possible.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:39, Reply)

It's like you have webcam trained on my daily life
Uncanny, old son. Uncanny.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:41, Reply)

ha
i've upped the number of webcams to four and your snooping ex has just subscribed to the live feed ;-)

seriously though, if you can manage through one night at least, and by rights you should be tired, then saturday morning should see you less stressed and mentally galvanised...plus the fact you had an early night and you now deserve to treat yourself to a 24 hour binge of Montana like proportions!
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:50, Reply)

Sage advice, my friend

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:57, Reply)

I've had many a happy bath with a tankard of beer
a fat reefer and a good book. one of the greatest pleasures in life!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:49, Reply)

I think I make them too hot and/or full
I get all set up, hop in the tub and halfway through smoking a 'number' and having got through half a page of my book, I start spinning out. I'm gonna do a Jim Morrison one of these days...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:52, Reply)

heh
been there. that's where the icy beer comes in handy
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:54, Reply)

my situation means that those
aquatic based reefers never happen..i would end up getting it wet, then getting more stressed than i was before i started. i usually decant to the garage and play some darts whilst i indulge, the stuff i have absolutely stinks, in a good way of course
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:06, Reply)

naturally
darts and reefers are also a good combo

my mate ended up throwing a dart into his acoustic guitar though. fucking hilarious after the initial shock of thinking it was my brand new one.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:15, Reply)

ye canny beat it, the game of kings.
In all my years i still haven't managed a 180. the mad skillz required to be consistently good at darts is off the scale. I went to see some live darts earlier this year, the atmosphere was also off the scale, Raymond 'barney' Barneveld claimed it was the best reception he had ever had in his career, and i don't doubt it.

I was there as a guest of Virgin, the main sponsors, back-stage passes, the lot.....and after 4 hours of malt whiskey with glayva as a mixer, i ended up putting the hospital into hospitality, and woke up with my head having 6 stitches inserted into it. Apparently I slipped and bashed my head off the ground, quite spectacularly.

Scary stuff though, being knocked out. The missus was ever so proud :-/
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:28, Reply)

sounds eventful!

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:30, Reply)

I'm proud too
Good work. Extremely good work.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:34, Reply)

total fannybaws
more like it...funny thing was, i didn't even a hangover or anything the next day, felt great actually!m although i insisted that had i had a cheeky reefer, i wouldn't have gotten so mangled on the bevvy and disaster would have been averted. smoke is good for applying the booze brakes, keeps things under control.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:41, Reply)

I am DiT
And yes, I am a cunt. But a freshly washed, shaved and talced cunt, you know? A cunt that you'd be happy to be seen about town with - right up until the point that I start exposing myself and peeing in the street.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:02, Reply)

You've not gone and given yourself
baby bum face again have you?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:10, Reply)

Ha!
No. Not after the last time. The Internet went in to MELTDOWN when I shaved my beard off.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:14, Reply)

Can I shave you next time?

( thealternativefact, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:16, Reply)

*sticks hand up*
Bagsi I get the pubes!
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:16, Reply)

Deal.

( thealternativefact, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:20, Reply)

But of course.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:25, Reply)

Does it count if I've had partners who were cunts?

( girlinthehole, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:16, Reply)

LEZZER

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:20, Reply)

If I ever change my B3ta name then Lezzer it will be.

( girlinthehole, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:22, Reply)

But you like cock now
so maybe it should be Cockmuncher?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:24, Reply)

Nah! I prefer Lezzer.
It's ironic innit.
( girlinthehole, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:26, Reply)

Oh irony, irony, irony
you're so much better than kettley
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:29, Reply)

Im a cunt I'm a cunt I'm a cunt
I'm a country faaaaarmer.

My name's roota. I'm a recovering cunt. I haven't been cunty for 8 days.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:27, Reply)

Cunt it up a bit then, you girl


EDIT haha, you're actually a proper girl! In that case, I'll call you a pansypants
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:28, Reply)

I can't
I think I've lost my cunty mojo.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:32, Reply)

Hahaha
I just imagined you with a chewy sweet up your snatch

www.treasureislandsweets.co.uk/acatalog/mojo_chews.html#
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:33, Reply)

"Mo-joooooooo"

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:37, Reply)

Jack Dee wasn't it?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:40, Reply)

Gold star

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:43, Reply)

Hmm
I'm a cunt.

Not sure why, I just fancied joining in!

Or do any of you have genuine reasons for why I am a cunt?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:30, Reply)

You're a cunt
because of your stupid girl hair
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:32, Reply)

Cos you indirectly told my aunty Debbie that I have a giant prolapsed minge

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:32, Reply)

I've got an aunty Debbie
She's an ex model, and thinks she was abducted by aliens. She was on Trisha once.

We have so much in common! Let's be sorority sisters!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:34, Reply)

Everyone has an aunty Debbie
You fucking mong
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:36, Reply)

No they don't!
My aunty debbie doesn't for a start
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:40, Reply)

She did, but she died

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:42, Reply)

Because you're only a pretend transvestite.
And not a real one.


Cunt.
( girlinthehole, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:33, Reply)

Because you told me to read Twilight and I did
and it was alright but then I got called an Emo in the office.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:35, Reply)

Why take advice from him al?
Why would you do that to yourself?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:36, Reply)

I refuse to accept any responsibility for my own personal situation
i'm choosing to blame someone on the internet instead.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:38, Reply)

Blame JMG

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:38, Reply)

I don't want to
he doesn't like to talk to me. He takes everything I say too seriously.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:40, Reply)

I love the way he seems to think you have this burning desire to be the first to reply to his posts

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:41, Reply)

He thinks that of everyone
but I'm starting to love and admire his ways
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:44, Reply)

Hahahaha
You read Twiilight... I don't think that makes you an emo does it? I'd say it makes you a little girl... but not an emo!?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:47, Reply)

Because it's Friday and you're not coming to the pub tonight!

( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:36, Reply)

Somebody start a new thread
this is hurting my brain
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:35, Reply)

I will only start a new thread if Poppet apologises for hurting my feelings.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:36, Reply)

You apologise first!

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:38, Reply)

Why should I!?
She's the one that put me on ignore, my feelings have been very badly hurt. I've never been publically ignored before.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:39, Reply)

Hehe
Will that be at the same time Hell freezes over!?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:38, Reply)

I should hope the longest it takes will be when she first meets me
but I'd like to think she can grow enough of a scrotum to do it before then.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:41, Reply)

Stop being mean, al
Grown men picking on 18 year old girls isn't funny. She may be a little over-sensitive, but she has every right to be
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:42, Reply)

Firstly she doesn't have any right to be over sensitive
secondly, she's not a girl, thirdly, she's not 18. She is in fact a 37 year old man from Ipswich called Brian.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:45, Reply)

I've long suspected this is the case
but just to be on the safe side, be nice you
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:47, Reply)

If she apologises to me I won't be nasty to her

(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:50, Reply)

Oh me me!
I'm a cunt too!

I have a badge and everything to prove it!! :D
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:38, Reply)

I've never seen you be cunty, ever
I bet you're incapable of it
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:38, Reply)

We have had this conversation before
About a month ago... you have a bad memory!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:39, Reply)

I have alzheimers
you bitch
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:41, Reply)

I care not
For I am a cunt, so nur!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:42, Reply)

:'C

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:43, Reply)

she likes parma violets
that's worse than being a cunt
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:40, Reply)

You shut it!
Just because I'm your comedy sidekick doesn't mean I can't hit you with a shovel when no one is looking!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:41, Reply)

I think it pretty much demands it!

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:43, Reply)

I'm with you on this one
they might taste like dusty old pills, but I love them
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:43, Reply)

Exhunctly
Ahhhh in all other peoples faces!!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:44, Reply)

Less of this - !!!! = more of this =D
In fact the same goes for smileys, I'm a proper twat
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:45, Reply)

NEVER!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:48, Reply)

OH NOES?!?!?!?!!?!?!!?!!?!!!!?!11111one!!!!one111!!!!!??!?!?!

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:49, Reply)

I happen to like
exclamation points and they like me!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:52, Reply)

and they like me up my vag.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:57, Reply)

HOW DARE YOU
*ignores*
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:06, Reply)

You're using an endorsment from Bert
as a reason to justify your incorrect assertion?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:49, Reply)

I'm like fucking Cockipedia, me

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:50, Reply)

Its not incorrect
you're incorrect. Fact.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:51, Reply)

WRONG

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:53, Reply)

Again I feel I must tell you
BLURGHFNARRRQUUUELLPPPPSPLURGHHHHHH! *ahem* Yeah!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:07, Reply)

I feel suitably chastened

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:08, Reply)

Jolly good

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:14, Reply)

This is so true.
they are fucking disgusting.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:41, Reply)

Homo

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:42, Reply)

Erectus?
Yes we are
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:46, Reply)

There is a Czech
energy drink called Erectus.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:49, Reply)

Do you buy it by the gallon?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:50, Reply)

It's a thin line
between Parma Violets and Lily of the Valley perfume.
They should both only be bought by old ladies or for old ladies.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:48, Reply)

Old ladies give me the horn
I spend hours hanging around M&S, licking all the petticoats
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:49, Reply)

Yes you are a cunt when it comes to being my nemesis

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:44, Reply)

Ba-Zing
I do try! :D
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:44, Reply)

Try harder
call her a twunt
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:47, Reply)

correction
you are trying

very trying ;-)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:47, Reply)

That's exactly what I was going to put
You cunt.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:48, Reply)

she's my sidekick
:-P
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:49, Reply)

She's my nemesis

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:50, Reply)

FIGHT

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:51, Reply)

That's what I was thinking
*hands out weapons*
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:53, Reply)

FINISH HER

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:57, Reply)

Hehehe
Beaten by a bumface!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:50, Reply)

Quit your mocking!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:51, Reply)

oi!

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:52, Reply)

Fwahahahaha

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:54, Reply)

F?
even your internet laugh is daft :-P
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:58, Reply)

Yup
try laughing with a fwahaha, its much better! Fwahahaha
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:01, Reply)

No
it looks too much like 'fwap'.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:02, Reply)

You look too much like
fwap!?!?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:03, Reply)

haha

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:04, Reply)

Wot you orn abaaaht?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:10, Reply)

Hehe
I don't really know! :(
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:12, Reply)

You're naff
I'm going to put you on ignore.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:50, Reply)

as if
you couldn't even bring yourself to click the button and then cancel it
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:53, Reply)

Yes!
Do this, then demand an apology before you will agree to take him off ignore.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:53, Reply)

Hahaha
Ah its all empty threats really, I couldn't ignore any of you dickheads. I think I only have one person on ignore and that was a meatpuppet from ages ago having a go at Becky.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:56, Reply)

Probably me again
d'oh
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:58, Reply)

Nope it was a girl
moaning away about some feminist bollocks, I told her she was a twatty meatpuppet and put her on ignore.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:01, Reply)

It was BGB? Un-ignore her!
I think she's taken over the internet!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:03, Reply)

Hahaha no it wasn't BGB
At least if shes annoyed with you she'll tell you to your face rather than using a meatpuppet to do the sneaky dirty work.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:05, Reply)

Seriously, somebody post a new thread
this is ridiculous
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:52, Reply)