Shits
I work in a small office, so for the most part I work with less than 5 people.

Right now I REALLY need a shit. But it will be so obvious going out the room for 15 minutes with zero excuses that I will be destroying the mens toilet bowl with molten brown napalm.

In fact I'll probably whiff quite a bit coming back into the office.

So /qotw regulars, I ask you - how do you hold in a shit?
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 12:47, 66 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Oh yes
I've got to survive until 1345 when I go for my lunch. That is just under 1 hour before thermonuclear warfare commences.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 12:48, Reply)

Oh just go and release some otters
it's all natural
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 12:50, Reply)

But they will KNOW

( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 12:53, Reply)

And?
"Hey guys, I'M GOING FOR A SHIT!"

Grow a pair and go for a dump.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 12:55, Reply)

I am a master at this.
I'm afraid the only thing that'll make you any good is practice.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 12:51, Reply)

Yes I'm not anal-retentive in the slightest.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 12:52, Reply)

Just go for a shit you massive pussy

(PsychoChomp, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 12:54, Reply)

What if its one of those shits
that you take 25 minutes evicting it from your colon and then 20 minutes wiping?
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 12:56, Reply)

Does talking about shit turn you on or something?
you're acting very strange.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 12:59, Reply)

It doesn't turn you on as well?

( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:34, Reply)

What if?...WHAT IF???
What if you rectal prolapse and are found face down in a pool of your own feshus with your trollies around your ankles and your flaccid cock in your hand?

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts sonny-jim.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:02, Reply)

That would be fine.
But for them to hear my personal anus war at it's worst would be deeply embarrassing.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:35, Reply)

is there a McFast Food venue nearby
where you can go for a McShit?

Or a pub?
Public toilet?

rafter
baz
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 12:54, Reply)

kind of hop from one foot to the other, muttering to yourself
I can frequently been found performing this manouevre on my doorstep whilst frantically rummaging for my keys.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 12:55, Reply)

I fucking hate that.
I can go all day with a background twinge but as soon as I'm within ten metres of the house... I swear my bladder recognises the sound of jangling keys.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 12:58, Reply)

Mine too

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:08, Reply)

Seriously
Just go for a shit. If they come and complain they're retards.

Everybody shits, right?




RIGHT?
(ConanTroutman thought we would free the vulture, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 12:57, Reply)

Point of order: the Queen doesn't.
Anyone suggesting otherwise is committing treason and will consequently be sent to the Tower.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 12:59, Reply)

I retract my previous statement
out of respect to her Maj.

*salutes*
(ConanTroutman thought we would free the vulture, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:01, Reply)

You're lucky I have connections at Windsor Castle.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:10, Reply)

Aunt Irene still works at the gift shop then?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:18, Reply)

In truth
my brother's godfather is one of the Queen's chaplains.

Not funny, but 100% true...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:24, Reply)

"one of them"?
How much spiritual advise does she need? She is C of E! Religion lite.

For fucks sake. Sooner we get rid of these in-bred sponging, German cunts the better.

(No offense to Bro's Godfather.)
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:33, Reply)

I heard she has a special mole on her arm
that distends, puckers and evacuates ingots of the blackest jobby you are EVER likely to see.


/ross noble
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:07, Reply)

it is then collected
and sold for enormously high prices

It's known in the trade as black gold
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:08, Reply)

it's spelt 'Nurble'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:10, Reply)

Or 'Cunt'
depending on your tolerance levels
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:11, Reply)

'Cunt' it is, then, my mistake.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:16, Reply)

is that where she shits?

(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:43, Reply)

I believe there is an academic text written on this very subject
www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_ss_0_11?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=everybody+poos&x=0&y=0&sprefix=everybody+p
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:01, Reply)

Hahahaha.....fantastic!
I just remembered it from reading 'The Handmaid's Tale'.
(ConanTroutman thought we would free the vulture, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:02, Reply)

So
www.amazon.co.uk/Potty-Poo-poo-Wee-wee-Colin-McNaughton/dp/1406301310/ref=sr_1_12?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1263387747&sr=8-12
This is fine, but I order Chest-Shitting and Golden Showers and I get called wrong?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:07, Reply)

Una Stubbs is really good writer, too!
There's no fucking justice, I tell you....
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:16, Reply)

If it makes you feel any better
Everyone on my floor at uni is a cunt, some are even foreign. In Newcastle. I know, I couldn't believe it either. There was no mention of them in the brochure.

But yeah I don't flush my poos as revenge. If they want to be twats (I've been moaned at because I don't leave to go out for the night until about half ten usually, and I wake those staying in), then they can smell my poo. I also have the hairiest arse in the world, so sometimes there's the added bonus of a few of them wandering onto the seat. I really cannot emphasise how every last person on my floor is an idiot so don't have a go at me. I might start taking responsibility for it and threaten that it will only get worse until I'm moved to different halls. I'd be like a freedom fighter.

So go nuts, be proud of your work. I am.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:07, Reply)

Dirty, dirty protests
Get a length of dirty spine, freeze it, then take it back into the toilet and shape it into a cock and leave it on the cistern.

Alternatively use it as a dildo!
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:11, Reply)

Haha
Indeed a dirty protest. You should start eating the most revolting combination of brussel sprouts, beans, pulses etc to get the most potent excrement.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:41, Reply)

Sit upside down in your chair.
Let gravity drag it back into your large intestine.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:09, Reply)

solution
thought about going in the ladies instead?
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:12, Reply)

I like your thinking.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:13, Reply)

...then spending the next hour
doing 'ugh, who did that?' faces and nudging your male co-workers whenever a woman walks by, in a kind of 'I reckon it was definitely her' kind of way.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:19, Reply)

Are you sure you hate Rik Mayall?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:21, Reply)

*checks*
Yup. Maybe it's because he's nicked my 'act'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:26, Reply)

How's your quad-biking?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:36, Reply)

Better than that cunt's, I'm relieved to say.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:42, Reply)

I won't shit at work either...
So...

a. Go home.
b. Al fresco - but do not forget the loo roll.
c. Find a nice hotel and use their most remote toilet (usually by the conference rooms)
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:20, Reply)

I work in an engineering factory.
Nothing I produce could ever beat the smell that sometimes emminates from their toilets.
( girlinthehole, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:24, Reply)

Tell everyone
you are going for a wank
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:25, Reply)

Work shits
are the best of all the shits.

Because you don't pay for the bog roll, and you can take five minutes out of your work day.

What's not to like? Be proud. Announce where you're going.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:27, Reply)

you are basically
being paid to shit
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:29, Reply)

Indeed.
I must calculate my shit-related earnings sometime!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:34, Reply)

I've just done a quick order-of-magnitude sum
and I've earned about £4700 while on the shitter over my working life.

I feel another pound or two coming on right now actually!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:41, Reply)

i'm in the
wrong business
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:42, Reply)

That's gross earnings of course
Tax and NI has to be deducted from it. But even so, I was quite pleasantly surprised.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:45, Reply)

Did you include
the amount saved by not using your own toilet roll?
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:47, Reply)

No.
Good point. I'm guessing I'd have saved a few pence per shite.

So that's over £100!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:51, Reply)

Not for the first time.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:34, Reply)

I'm being paid to surf b3ta

(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:40, Reply)

UPDATE!
I just got a phone call from one of our business associates. Help from God at last. Apparently there is a news story on the front page of the Press and Journal that is pretty darned important.

Naturally I vociferously volunteered my services to go out and get it so it could be scanned and distributed.

On the way I jumped into the public shitters and let loose. Actually it was largely wind and required very little cleaning. A good old in and out job. I feel better already!
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:34, Reply)

phew
i think we were all worried there
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:34, Reply)

Like the apocryphal story of the P&J's report of the Titanic's sinking?
"North-East Man Lost at Sea"
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:35, Reply)

It's all about priorities innit!

( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:35, Reply)

It's only supposed to come out :(

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:35, Reply)

I don't know what went in
but it was (eventually) a joy coming out!
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:36, Reply)

On the way I jumped into the public shitters and
let loose sucked off a stranger
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 13:51, Reply)

I WISH!

( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 14:38, Reply)

Smack your arsehole with a hammer 'til the tempestuous young
upstarts LEARNS ITS PLACE. "No shitting 'til I allow you, you impertinent, disloyal trouser-wog!"
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Wed 13 Jan 2010, 14:20, Reply)