Wedding Invitations...
I'm getting married in July. My fiance's family are great and have all been invited. As have everyone on my dads side.

The small number on my mums side though, are a complete bunch of c*nts.

Having been assigned the complex task of posting the invitations, was it a bad idea that I stuck the four destined for said c*nts down a drain like a lazy paper boy, and replaced them with my own new and improved ones which are now on their way to four mates?

Nobody will know until the big day....
(big perm is no good with them there 'puters, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:08, 103 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Nuts to them
it's your day, invite who you want. I've never understood the whole "But you have to invite auntie and uncle cuntface" thing.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:12, Reply)

Unfortunately its sort of 'wedding law'
that you have to have 4-5 arseholes at your wedding that you don’t really want there. I had a woman at mine that had 4 outfit changes throughout the course of the day… attempting up upstage much!?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:14, Reply)

that was becky wasn't it?

(PsychoChomp, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:16, Reply)

No
it was me
(Bazongaloid, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:16, Reply)

I bet you looked smashing in all 4 dresses

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:18, Reply)

Hehe smashing
Al always looks smashing, especailly when he puts on a great big floral number!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:19, Reply)

He's Bounty.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:57, Reply)

Hahahaha
No it wasn't, I wouldn't have minded if she had
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:18, Reply)

you blatently would blud.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:20, Reply)

She would
but she wouldn't have said anything for fear of being roundhouse kicked in the face
(Bazongaloid, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:20, Reply)

Women feel imortal on their wedding day,
something to do with being strapped into a dress and starting drinking at 8am.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:23, Reply)

Apparently if I start drinking at 8am on my wedding day
I'm going to be in trouble.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:25, Reply)

I did that
And it's all ended in tears.

This post has been sponsored by Relate
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:29, Reply)

Awww
*hands over tissue*
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:31, Reply)

Aww, thanks but I don't feel like having some
personal time - I know it's Wednesday and all that, but the Wank Wednesday thing has died a death really, hasn't it?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:33, Reply)

That's a very good point
*retracts tissues*
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:34, Reply)

Has it?
I mean, yes, yes it has.


*re-zips*
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:00, Reply)

And you're early
It's 4pm.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:13, Reply)

I wasn't doing nuffink, right,
but if I had been, I'd probably have been carrying out essential maintenance activities to ensure proper functioning for the big event. Like.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:42, Reply)

Your spelling has actually died outright now.
Yesterday it was critically ill, today it's all over.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:28, Reply)

hem

(PsychoChomp, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:32, Reply)

Exactly
I like my legs thankyousomuch.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:24, Reply)

Becky IS the Chuck Norris of OT
Only with more less facial hair.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:26, Reply)

I probably wouldn't have noticed
I missed out on quite a few things that day, once I'd said yes, my mind was fully focused on cake.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:27, Reply)

Good grief
I hope you sat her at the furthest away table near the bogs
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:17, Reply)

They're always the best table because they stick all the drunken loud people there.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:19, Reply)

That was where Becky
was sat! :D
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:21, Reply)

That explains why i'm always at the back then
I just assumed it was because I was hated by all and sundry. Like the time I was placed next to another single bloke. Cunts.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:22, Reply)

with my habits being near the lavatories is kind of handy.,
I AM NOT SAYING I AM A SHIRTER.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:36, Reply)

I didn't actually notice
I got told about it the next day, I thought it was a bit retarded. Not to toot my own trumpet or anything but she was a fat old frumpy bird and I was looking all hot and junk... no competition! Ha.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:20, Reply)

You had that junk going on so hard
that all the boys spent the day either walking double or sponging the stains out of their crotches.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:21, Reply)

Damn straight
They all looked most peculiar in their pictures.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:25, Reply)

You should have just made an announcement at the start
that they were all welcome to unzip and walk around with their straining erections sticking out of their flys.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:27, Reply)

I don’t think DiT would have appreciated that sort of announcement.
‘Right I’m married now chaps, get your todgers out and flap ‘em around a bit, I’m unlikely to see any others for awhile'.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:30, Reply)

POTD

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:34, Reply)

*bows*
*receives flowers*

I'd like to thank God...
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:37, Reply)

Flim, I'm happy for you
and I'mma let you finish...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:43, Reply)

*stomps*

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:45, Reply)

Ha, yeah because I'm sure your mothers side of your family don't talk at all.
you're going to get found out and it's going to kick off.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:15, Reply)

It's your day so fuck em.

( girlinthehole, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:18, Reply)

By the time they find out it'll be too late.
Or they might find out beforehand and jsut turn up.
Would they??
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:19, Reply)

They'll phone up and ask where their invites are

then you'll have to kill yourself and have a zombie wedding with a brain cake and blood cocktails
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:23, Reply)

My mum and said siblings don't talk.

It's my dad and fiance that seem to think by inviting them i'll be 'doing the right thing'.

Fuck it, it's definitely for the best!
(big perm is no good with them there 'puters, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:23, Reply)

Oh you've SO done the right thing
Why put yourself and your poor mum through the stress?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:24, Reply)

If only there was a way you could direct your replies to a specific person or comment.

(Bazongaloid, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:24, Reply)

How the fuck would one do such an amazing thing?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:25, Reply)

I have no idea myself

(Bazongaloid, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:26, Reply)

you're like an internet Derren Brown, aincha?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:27, Reply)

a sartorially-inclined elegant woofter?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:49, Reply)

Like that,
but minus the sartorial inclination and the elegance.

But compensated for by a surfeit of shirting.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:55, Reply)

unlike Derren
Al can't use his mind powers to bugger straight men
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:00, Reply)

However, conversely,
he can spell 'Darren'.

It's a funny old world!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:01, Reply)

*whispers*
Mont, it's 'Derren'...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:02, Reply)

*shouts*
'Derren' is not a name. Nor is it a word recognised anywhere in the fucking world.

He has changed his name to 'Derren', either because he has (quite correctly) realised that being a woo-spooky practitioner of magic called Darren is a bit pathetic, or because there is already a Darren Brown listed on Equity's books.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:06, Reply)

Fuckin ell alright like!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:09, Reply)

That's YOU told, eh?
When are you coming down to London?

WHEN?????/////??
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:12, Reply)

Sometime in March
and sometime in April.
Fuckoff anyway because you didn't invite me to that place.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:14, Reply)

more importantly
are you cunts coming down this way any time?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:24, Reply)

it costs a fucking fortune
I think you should all have a beano up to Liverpool. My flat's massive.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:25, Reply)

but it's in liverpool
and is unlikely to be as big as my house
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:26, Reply)

i bet it is bigger than your house.
Fine, open your house and your missus and I'll be there ;)
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:31, Reply)

I can't just do it like that
you'd have to woo her
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:35, Reply)

What's her favourite flavour pasty?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:37, Reply)

You fuck off
It's on a Thursday (25th). If you want to come by all means you are very welcome.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:40, Reply)

Oh i can't come then

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:43, Reply)

I am warning you -
I really would like to come down to visit.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:37, Reply)

it would be good
you'd be most welcome
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:43, Reply)

Derren Victor Brown
began his stage career under the stage name 'Darren V Brown' apparently.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:14, Reply)

Excellent.
I do enjoy being right. I think it rather suits me, don't you?

*preens*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:38, Reply)

*kicks*

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:43, Reply)

*dodges kick with ease*


*thumbs nose*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 13:01, Reply)

*falls on arse*

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 13:03, Reply)

One of my mother's friends
was so put out at not being invited to my sister's wedding that she has never spoken to my mother since, despite it being pointed out that it wasn't actually my mother getting married, and therefore the guest list was not within her control.

What a cunt, eh readers?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:26, Reply)

Pay her a visit and shit in her cunt.
She'll be back to her old self in no time.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:32, Reply)

I'm not trying to get a gay man to shag her, though.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:33, Reply)

Fortunately for her, this is a free bonus,
She'll be inundated with shirters looking for a walk on the wild side.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:40, Reply)

Yup
Totally
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:36, Reply)

Ha! Women eh?
Can't live with them, can't keep them bound and gagged in the boot of your car.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:43, Reply)

Nope,
sooner or later you have to let them out so they can cook your tea and do your washing.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:46, Reply)

but they might get back in the boot afterwards.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:47, Reply)

Depends if its full of chocolate, glossy mags and shoes?

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:48, Reply)

and kittens

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:51, Reply)

Not so much for me.
You'd probably have to fill a boot with sweets, shoes, a german shep puppy and Bradley Cooper for me to want to get in. Also the boot would need to be attached to a decent car... something sporty but with a big boot... hmmm... I'll have a think on that one.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:55, Reply)

I'd be alright with the stereo on

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:58, Reply)

I'm fussy! :D

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:59, Reply)

Yeah,
you're reminding me of Cameron Diaz in that film where she gets kidnapped and is an effing nuisance.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:00, Reply)

My wifes Uncle and his partner are cunts
He is a woman beating cunt. We had to invite them because of the so called wedding rules. They didn't RSVP so we didn't put them on the list and they didn't get a seat at the seating plan. They turned up and were told to fuck right off. They kicked off and were yelling at the hotel manager guy when my wife stormed up and shouted "If you can't be fucking bothered to RSVP then don't fucking bother to show up either" then two of my mates who were behind said "I'm really sorry Keza we didn't RSVP either and she looked at them and said "Thats OK andrew, you're not a wife beating tosser" They haven't spoken since. GOOD! My brother in law had a fight with my father in law in the car park though hahahaha
( Peej, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:14, Reply)

Oh man i love your wife's family

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:17, Reply)

Its weird, some are really lovely well mannered people
but a few are just total cunts. I think I shall make a naughty/nice family tree of her family for her profile with lines linking up assaults and fist fights.
( Peej, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:22, Reply)

That would be skill...

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:32, Reply)

My sister got married to a Scottish person last year
and invited his second cousin David who is an actor. The fucker couldn't come because of work commitments as he was busy filming Doctor Who.
( Peej, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 13:09, Reply)

Dr Who is not as funny as watching a carpark brawl

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 13:15, Reply)

Dr. Who in a wedding carpark brawl however...

(big perm is no good with them there 'puters, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 14:22, Reply)

Well if the scottish git had turned up we could have had Dr Who in a car park brawl!

( Peej, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 14:55, Reply)

Way to fuck up the drainage systems in your local area, contributing as such to the decline in quality of pipes, leading to the wastage of water and an increase in everyone's bills along with helping distroy the planet.
Way to go there, arsehole.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 13:09, Reply)

WAHEY!
Are you better yet gonz?
(Bazongaloid, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 13:14, Reply)

Much better thanks, I think I'm perma-broken, but I'm feelin' much better.
I got some treatment next week which knocks it out of me for a few days, but then I feel great after that. I didn't realise, but I was supposed to have that yesterday, but they booked me in for tomorow.

Plus my mum's giving me her bedroom-telly, it's quite a good one, as she never uses it.

Plus Carphone Wearhouse should replace my iPhone today.

Plus I'm cooking Duck legs with honey/mustard/curry, griddle-pan'd aspagous and mash-with-spring-onion tonight.

Plus I've got a happy home now, the new flatmates are brillient, didn't realise before how misserable I was.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 13:34, Reply)

Duck legs with honey/mustard/curry
Yes. I've got some duck bits in the freezer and I'm meant to be cooking Saturday. Gratin Dauphinoise and a side salad ftw.
(Fancy a weekend on my Raymondo Luxury Yacht?, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 14:06, Reply)

I didn't know what you were on about for a minute there hun...
I thought they'd put you on weird-ass druhgz.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 13:16, Reply)

Nyom, noym, nyom, morphine.
/ac

How r0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0otahz today? Fabulous as usual?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 13:34, Reply)

Gonz, I'm effervescent!
how's thee?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 13:37, Reply)

Absolutly and completely shattered, but happy =)

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 13:42, Reply)

Alas, it was a storm drain running into a balancing pond from a housing site! I definitely don't owe you money for your next water bill...
(big perm is no good with them there 'puters, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 14:19, Reply)