HELP!!!
I am best man on Saturday at my best mates wedding and I havent wrote a speech yet.

What sort of tips can you give?

Please...

edit: cheers guys. Great tips. Also make a good QOTW imho :-)
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:07, 37 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Proper etiquette?
Or just winging it?
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:11, Reply)

I have loads of ideas,
but is really hard to get them down on paper. Also hard to tell you best mate how you really feel.
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:15, Reply)

Short personal honest.
Thank all the people you have to,
don't try to be funny if you're not.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:13, Reply)

good advice
I'm banking on being enough of a bastard to everyone I know that no one will ask me to be their best man.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:15, Reply)

I like this,
he is ginger though. Problem is, so is half of his family.
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:16, Reply)

serves them right
you need to start off with some kind of joke about being surprised he has any friends because he is ginger
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:17, Reply)

I know,
there are loads I can do. Any put down. And when I first knew him, he had LONG ginger hair. A must I feel...
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:18, Reply)

Well if you're not sure..
Find a bunch of old pictures of him and tape them under peoples chairs. Then when everyone thinks you've given a really nice, honest speech, you can invite them to reach underneath... I'm sure the jokes will write themselves.
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:27, Reply)

Well say something like,
"oh I didn't realise there'd be so many red heads here, I'll have to cut my speach short"
Then tear off 10 pages from your speach.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:17, Reply)

I like this idea

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:18, Reply)

Hey,
great minds think alike :-)
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:18, Reply)

This amuses me greatly

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:42, Reply)

I should be your best man.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:52, Reply)

well you've pretty much already started preparing
so I wouldn't want to disappoint you.

The guy who thinks he's going to be my boyfriend's best man will be lucky if he gets anywhere near my wedding anyway. He introduced the two of us, but when my bloke later said that he fancied me, the guy said "dude, everyone's been there".
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 15:17, Reply)

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
hahahahaha
I like him already, he should be your best man.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 15:18, Reply)

He was the photographer for his girlfriend's sister's wedding
and turned up late.

He wasn't asked to do the photography at his next friend's wedding and he spent the whole party slagging off the real photographers.

Funnily enough he's the guy I was slating the other day for always letting people down.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 15:33, Reply)

In that case
Try and avoid anything along the lines of the last wedding I went to, where the best man had already had a few, and included as one of the jokes, forgetting that the priest was at the reception, as well as all of their parents,
"I can assure you one thing about this man: the carpet matches the drapes."
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:24, Reply)

This is further proof,
that I shouldnt drink before the speech. I need some pain killers though for my emerging wisdom tooth.
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:29, Reply)

drapes what a numpty

curtains is what he meant, lolz
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:34, Reply)

I know! I bet he felt a right prawn when he realised...

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:40, Reply)

I was thinking of using this:
He booked the honeymoon in Bourneville in the midlands because his new mrs asked him to take her up the chocolate factory.
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:17, Reply)

Pro tip.
Anal sex jokes don't really go down well in family gatherings.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:19, Reply)

You might be right...
we will see.
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:22, Reply)

If you use that joke, you're going to look like a dick,
particularly as it isn't funny.
( thealternativefact, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:23, Reply)

Awww,
i was looking forward to it :-(

wasnt going to really, but it did make me laugh, and I might be able to think of a variation :-)
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:25, Reply)

_{Variation? I think it's probably quite difficult to come up with a family-friendly variation of a joke like that...}
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:27, Reply)

See below

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:28, Reply)

Perfect! Beautiful in its cheeky subtlety.

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:45, Reply)

You need to think about your audience.
It's OK for the best man to be a bit risque, but you're not supposed to embarrass the bride or her family. Make fun of him, but don't use her to do it.
Remember to say something complimentary about her.
( thealternativefact, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:31, Reply)

Thats very true...
I could use your sig though I suppose.

In all honesty, the more you look at other speeches and tips, the harder it becomes. I am just gonna stick to the tips on here and my own meanderings. Much more me...

My speech is including some Stewart Lee and Stephen Fry... Also it is mainly for the groom. Some are very in jokes, which he will have to explain later on, but him laughing like a drain should make the rest laugh too... hopefully.
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:36, Reply)

This is utterly utterly wrong

there is nothing worse tahn in jokes, no one else will laugh, they will get bored I promise you this. the speech is for everybody not just the groom, not just the stag party and not just his mates.

if you take one tip, take this one!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:42, Reply)

Just one in joke...
maybe?
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:47, Reply)

1 is ok, no more though

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:59, Reply)

Great!!!
I can use my 'give it to them straight like a pear cider made from 100% pear' line.
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Wed 7 Apr 2010, 15:07, Reply)

Clenders makes a very important point there
On no account say anything to embarrass or offend the bride.

A friend of mine was asked to be one of two best men at a wedding - he wrote a speech, and the other feller decided to "improvise." Come the day, all this other feller could come up with was some crass story about the bride, which I'm reliably informed went down like a lead balloon trying to break the world land-speed record whilst commandeered by Richard Hammond.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:43, Reply)

Try

The happy couple are starting a joyful new chapters of their lives together, sharing their love, sharing their lives and sharingall the wonderful things taht the world has to offer. One day they will shre their love with children of their own, not yet though which is why ginger always does her up the shitter, GET IN! Waa-aay
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:27, Reply)

Subtle, I like it.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:30, Reply)

Perfect...
thats going IN!
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:31, Reply)

went to a wedding a while back
and the groom knew there were absolutely no stories the best man could tell about him that wouldn't offend a lot of people, so he didn't have one rather than give the best man an impossible task!
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:18, Reply)

best tip is to start nice and early

so you don't have to write it in a rush...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:19, Reply)

haha

(PsychoChomp, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:19, Reply)

Thats no fun.
I got an an A in a Diploma once. I done 6 months work in 3 days. Starting early is for pussies...
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:21, Reply)

Remember everyone is there to enjoy themselves
So you have the friendliest audience you could want.
Write clear paragraphs and leave at least two lines between each so you don't get lost. This also means if you accidentally skip one (like I did) you can go back to it easily.
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:20, Reply)

Great tip,
although I am planning to memorise it :-)
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:37, Reply)

This is a very good idea as it will flow far better

however, I would still have the cards in case of emergency.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:41, Reply)

Great Shit Tip then... :)
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:42, Reply)

Gaz DiT
He is THA MAN when it comes to best man speeches, his one to his best mate was just super!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:25, Reply)

You would say that.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:25, Reply)

Hehe
Nah... I usually live to put him down, as his wife it is my job.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:31, Reply)

Will do,
cheers :-)
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:26, Reply)

I heard it was Michael Macintyre/Piston broke good

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:28, Reply)

Funny
I heard you're Lee Evans good! ;-)
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:31, Reply)

No, he's Lee Evans sweaty.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:32, Reply)

I saw him on some charity tv thing at the weekend
He didn't have one new joke in the entire act...
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:34, Reply)

With a smattering of Jo brand

it's bascially interprative dance about my period
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:33, Reply)

Wow!
Now that is funneh!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:33, Reply)

and messy...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:34, Reply)

WOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Bodyform!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:35, Reply)

Don't swear, don't mention past relationships (don't even allude to them).
I made a handout for the guests that had photos of the groom from childhood to the present day and pictures of things that related to the anecdotes I told.

I really enjoyed doing it, hope you do too.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:39, Reply)

The photo thing is a very good idea,
also mentioned up there ^

Better get a going :-)
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:42, Reply)

My brother has done 2 best man speeches and he also made handouts
it works really well as it gets the audience involved and you haven't got a hundred pairs of eyes on you all the time.

Check out best man speeches on youtube for inspiration as well.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:45, Reply)

It's starting to sound like a presentation to important clients....
"And if I can refer you to figure 16, you will find photographic evidence of the groom vomiting on my shoes outside Madama JoJo's. Notice particularly his interesting attire and the artificially-enhanced redness of his cheeks due to a quantity of blusher stolen from the woman he is presently marrying..."
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:50, Reply)

I once saw an amusing wedding clip
where the best man said "I know the groom was a bit of a ladies man in his youth and he used to give his girlfriends a spare key to the back door so they could sneak in and out without his parents noticing. Now that he's getting married, I would ask that all those ladies return their keys" and then almost every woman in the hall came and dropped a key into a bowl at the front, including a woman in her eighties.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:45, Reply)

Tell everyone
the groom is secretly a gay rapist - and that's how you met him, because so are you. Then jump up on the top table, whip out your cock and start wanking whilst crying and screaming the Lord's Prayer.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:50, Reply)

This would be the best speech ever!

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:52, Reply)

It worked for me - at my dad's third wedding.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:52, Reply)

Third times a charm!

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:53, Reply)

This may actually be true;
Father's first wedding: shotgun (our mother, 8 years his junior)
2nd wedding: psycho who ended up burgling him (20 years his junior)
3rd wedding: lovely American lady we all adore (almost the same age), who has alluded to a groovy past in the late 60s
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 15:01, Reply)

Sounds like he's got it right this time! :D

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 7 Apr 2010, 15:06, Reply)

Apart from what remains a hilarious mental image
This implies that the two of you met at some sort of gay rape convention. Either that or you were both coincidentally on Clapham Common one night, looking for something to bum, and lo and behold you just happen to bump into one another. On the knob.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 14:58, Reply)

I vote for the former.
He has that look about him.
( thealternativefact, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 15:04, Reply)

Not just a gay rapist,
but the sort who would go to meet other like-minded individuals in a conference centre to discuss their lives as stealthy bandits of the posterior, recounting tails of unsuspecting ringpieces skewered in alleyways, parks, or even just the office next to theirs...ah, it's an exciting life they lead.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 15:14, Reply)

Besides, he has to be the giver.
He's taken so much, he's got an opening that goatse man can only dream of.
( thealternativefact, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 15:17, Reply)

Oh. So that's want he meant
I thought he was offering me a chance to work with him...
*shudders*
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 15:33, Reply)

you really do get the phrases just right sometimes
"stealthy bandits of the posterior" almost made me rupture myself
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 15:18, Reply)

Athangeweverrmuch
Now turn around and let me rupture you properly.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 15:34, Reply)

"on the knob"
i like this phrase, it's like "on the razz" but with more knob
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 15:23, Reply)

don't make jokes about
him shagging his mates mum

really, someone I know did marry his mate's mum, the best man's speech apparently was not as hilarious as he thought it was
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 15:21, Reply)

Ask him if there's anything he DOESN'T want you to mention
Then mention them

I told my best man he could say anything except one incident, to which he replied "Oh, yeah, i forgot about that".

I'm still to find out if it's in his speech or not
( Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 15:56, Reply)

I've heard this at about 3 weddings now..
Use at your peril:

A wise man once told me that a best man’s speech should last only as long as it takes the
groom to make love………so thank you ladies and gentlemen and good afternoon. (Sit down,
wait a second, take in rapturous applaus, and continue rest of speech)
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 16:32, Reply)

Its in,
*nervous shakes*
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Wed 7 Apr 2010, 18:21, Reply)