Well fucking hell.
Here's an odd thing: recent discussions on here about dreams must have themselves influenced my dreams, as I was woken by my alarm clock this morning just as I was informing Gordon Ramsay that, along with his wife, everyone on earth (save, it seemed, him and me) had become zombies. I NEVER have dreams like that. Ever.

In other news, in this morning's Metro newspaper was a brief interview with the woman who wrote 'Chocolat' (sic). I belmed so hard I nearly tore my lower lip from my face when I read in head-shaking disbelief that her latest book is written as a series of 'blog' entries from two protagonists, and that the work also features 'iPod playlists'.

What a complete and utter TWAT. Jesus fucking wept how pathetic. No doubt the sequel is written as a series of 'tweets'. I don't normally struggle too much with vocabulary but I am unable to find adequate words to describe my levels of scorn at this juncture.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 8:38, 106 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

*shakes head in sympathetic disbelief*
I think the spelling 'chocolat' is French though, so that's just artistic licence, rather than being plain wrong.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 8:45, Reply)

She's English*. And an utter spazmo, it seems.
*is 'Chocolat' set in France?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 8:58, Reply)

Oui!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 8:59, Reply)

Ah, I'll let her off that, then.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:06, Reply)

Don't bother, simply exchange the axe for a guillotine

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:07, Reply)

Bon.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:15, Reply)

Apparently the guillotine was actually first invented in Yorkshire...

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 11:32, Reply)

Its a shirter film/book
set in shirter France, about a shirter chocolate shop. People eat the shirter chocolate and become giant shirters.
( Peej, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:00, Reply)

Pay attention, Claudia Winkleman.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:04, Reply)

I really liked the book
although the film was gay, despite feature God of Gods, the Depp.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:07, Reply)

It would never have happened in the local city centre branch of Thorntons.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:32, Reply)

and the gypsies probably wouldn't be charming canal travellers

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:52, Reply)

c
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:55, Reply)

STOTD!

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 11:32, Reply)

She is at the white hot knife edge of modern culture

whatever next, wireless telephones
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 8:58, Reply)

and picture tele-boxes

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:11, Reply)

Another day, another reason to become angry.
Don't sweat the small stuff Monty.
( girlinthehole, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:02, Reply)

I can't help it.
I nearly punched a random commuter.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:05, Reply)

Thread Jack - What's the worst book you've ever read
When on holiday in the middle of nowhere in Tuscany (you must go it's epic) I had run out of books and was left with...P.S. I Love you, reading it was like punching myself in the brain whilst masterbating; confusing, painful, retarding but unstoppable.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:04, Reply)

Zen and the art of Motorcycle maintenance.
The most boring book ever. Mind you I was only a teenager when I read it.
( girlinthehole, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:06, Reply)

The Devil Wears fucking Prada
It was so shit, it's the only book I've stopped reading in the middle. And everyone harped on about it so much that I was quite looking forward to it. The film is equally boring and shit, but women everywhere love it for no apparent reason.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:09, Reply)

This
www.amazon.co.uk/Utopia-Lincoln-Child/dp/0099462230/ref=sr_1_15?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1270714179&sr=1-15
My housemate bought it in an airport and lasted 2 chapters. I read the whole thing out of stubborness. It was increadibly cheesy.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:11, Reply)

God that sounds awful

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:13, Reply)

There's a robot dog companion in it.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:14, Reply)

Just like that shit sci-fi thing on the BBC
something about a GP who kidnaps teenage girls.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:17, Reply)

^ genius

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 11:14, Reply)

I didn't bother reading your link
so based on the fact that it has a robot dog in it, it sounds full of win.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:18, Reply)

Blue Fires
about Nazi flying saucers.

This is what a review said: 'Blue fires' is an example of wild speculation morphing into 'fact'. Hyland clearly has little understanding of physics, aerodynamics, history, propulsion systems, geography and logic - all areas in... etc.

I was very disapointed.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:13, Reply)

hard to say
I've read some shit

most recent bad one was Nemesis by Bill Napier. I'd read one of his previously which had a rather good concept, but Nemesis was unbelievably shit.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:13, Reply)

Maybe not the worst ever
but the most disappointing has been 'Moby-Dick'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:15, Reply)

I also found that rather disappointing
if he'd just got on and told the fucking story it would've been better.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:20, Reply)

Very disappointing.
Not nearly enough dick.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:30, Reply)

I think you've had quite enough already
(not implying that catface has a lot here, to be clear)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:55, Reply)

"Cloud Atlas" by David Mitchell (not the guy from peep show)
6 loosley related short stories pretending to be a novel.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:21, Reply)

that got raved about
my mrs thought it was shit as well
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:22, Reply)

Tell me about it
I saw the reviews and all the praise on Amazon...and it was utter bollocks. I bought my copy 2nd hand and I could tell from the spine crease that the previous owner had given up 1/4 way through.

Unfortunately I have to finish a book, no matter how piss poor it is.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:28, Reply)

I really enjoyed that one actually
I thought it was quite clever. Some of the stories worked better than others, but I thought it was good. You probably think I'm a massive bender now.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 11:34, Reply)

christ too many to name
Tommyknockers was just torture, I usually get on ok with Stephen King books but it took me years to read in.

Also never ever ever read anything by kevin j anderson, he has an unnering ability to churn out massive amounts of utter shite that is just soul destroyingly bad
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:24, Reply)

I've read a load of kevin j anderson
it is mostly shit, but it tells you something about the other authors who wrote star wars follow ones that his are among the best.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:28, Reply)

Anything by James Patterson.
The fact that he is the most borrowed author from British libraries confirms my suspicion that libraries are predominately frequented by retarbs (staff excluded). It was like reading the Simple Wikipedia version of Harlan Coben.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:29, Reply)

Yeah
I've read a couple of his books, but they did seem all fast paced action with no depth.

Coben, however, is a master of his art.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:30, Reply)

Patterson's books consist of sentences like:
I knew something was wrong the moment I saw the body.
"Oh, you're the top FBI profiler," said the cop by the door.
"Yes." I said. "A good, god-fearing profiler. And it looks like we have a murderer on our hands."

(That's about the length of one 'chapter' as well. No joke.)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:35, Reply)

this is true
I've read most of them (because they take seconds each) and a couple show a tiny amount of merit, but for the most part they are dire. and getting worse.

don't get me started on the ones he writes with someone else...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:53, Reply)

I've mentioned it before
But The Vampire Armand was the most turgid piece of literature I've ever bore witness to. I got about half way through the 600-odd pages and nothing had happened save for a generations old vampire bumming a young boy and then turning him into one of the undead. Honestly, he could have done that in two pages then Anne Rice could have got on with the story... oh, hang on, that WAS the story.

I never finished it. Biggest pile of shit ever (although to be fair I have yet to read any Dan Brown).
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 8 Apr 2010, 10:04, Reply)

haha
couldn't agree more. I've read most of the Anne Rice vampire books, and that one does stand out as a much larger piece of crap than the others.

reckon anyone other than Monty would enjoy reading about vampire paedo gays?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 10:12, Reply)

I quite liked the first few
Up to Memnoch the Devil. The Vampire Armand put me off reading Anne Rice for good after that.

To answer your second question... no.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 8 Apr 2010, 10:25, Reply)

She writes for the masses
and will probably be able to afford a new villa in france to escape from them.

Its not literature, but it is profitable.

Bitch.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:07, Reply)

It's as if she won Book Idol

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:08, Reply)

Bone Idol, if you ask me.
Where is the passion?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:14, Reply)

How is that pathetic?
There's more than one way to write a novel. It also reflects a modern way of reading/writing.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:08, Reply)

I think she's maybe pandering to the modern popularity of the blog
and having to read a playlist would bore the shit out of me in the middle of a book.

However, if you look at the popularity of Bridget Jones' Diary, that's pretty much a blog. And it's awesome.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:10, Reply)

I still don't see the need to get angry about it,
pandering to popularity is not necessarily a bad thing.
The book may be crap, but you can't tell if it is from those two things.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:12, Reply)

some people like to get angry about nothing
I'm one of them.

THERE'S NO BROWN SUGAR IN THE KITCHEN, I WANT FUCKING BROWN SUGAR FOR MY FUCKING COFFEE!!!!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:16, Reply)

How is pandering to popularity
as opposed to trying to create something of quality and integrity regardless of whether people like it or not, 'not necessarily a bad thing'? One is art, the other merely commerce.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:18, Reply)

Bitch gotz to get paid.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:21, Reply)

Cynically churning out a facsimilie of 'the latest thing' in exchange for money is vulgar and without merit. The 'Bowie Syndrome', I call it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:22, Reply)

Haha!

( girlinthehole, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:23, Reply)

It's her job though isn't it?
Selling books, writing isn't only for accademics and struggling genius'. She writes a book to entertain, she makes people happy, so what.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:33, Reply)

'accademics'
EDIT I'm just jealous of that Glastonbury lineup you posted. Dr John will be fucking magic. His autobiography is the best music book I've ever read.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:36, Reply)

I've never heard of him.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:40, Reply)

He's a pianist from New Orleans
who started off way back in the 50s with some of the old legendary blues and jazz dudes (despite being white), his solo career kicked off in the late 60s and his 'Gris Gris' LP was a huge influence on both the Stones and ex-Small Faces Steve Marriott's Humble Pie, as well as later funk artists.

It's kind of Voodoo music, really unique and very New Orleans - and ace.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:48, Reply)

I will go and watch him on your recommendation.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:53, Reply)

Why not YouTube him first - you might hate him.
'Walk on Gilded Splinters' is perhaps his best known tune.

Breakestra you should definitely like - they're magic.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:54, Reply)

they are magic indeed
I'd say Right place, wrong time is a better known Dr John song. Also great
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 10:02, Reply)

I love Dr, John
I didn't know he was playing at Glastonbury. I may have to break out the ladders and camo gear to sneak in.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 11:03, Reply)

As both an accademic [sic] and a struggling genius,
I say leave it to the professionals who will all sit around and talk pretentiously about things we have never experienced first hand, thus displaying how pompous yet insecure we actually are about our very existence.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:40, Reply)

I prefer to think of myself
as a genius and a struggling academic.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:41, Reply)

I prefer to think that in 58 days time I'll hopefully be off work for 43 weeks
(or less, if the money runs out sooner).
I gave up on being a career academic looooong ago.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:42, Reply)

I've got 22 days left of my current contract
But I'm not pregnant. Therefore I have a bit of a problem. I have a series of meetings lined up for tomorrow!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:45, Reply)

Good luck.
But at least you're a scientist, eh? Go STEM subjects!
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:47, Reply)

Thanks.
And on that note, I'd better go and do some sciency stuff, instead of fannying around here!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:50, Reply)

It's like she's made a checklist of 'popular culture' references
in a sad attempt to be 'cutting edge'. I think that's pathetic, sorry.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:13, Reply)

don't apologise to him
apologies are his food.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:17, Reply)

That's a good point
Do people in with modern culture read blogs on paper or from a screen.

So its seems unlikely they will pick up a book made of paper, to read one.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:18, Reply)

I can't imagine ever wanting to use one of those electronic books.
It's just not the same as having a paperback in your hands. The feeling of the book, the smell and to some extent, even the picture on the front cover all add to the experience.
( girlinthehole, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:22, Reply)

paperback cock

book shaft

picture on the front cover drop of pre cum
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:29, Reply)

I set myself up for that one didn't I.

( girlinthehole, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:34, Reply)

:-)

( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:36, Reply)

There'll probably be a book
made up of Twitter posts soon. That's when true literature will actually die a little bit.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:23, Reply)

But Douglas Coupland does this and does it rather well.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:31, Reply)

a while back I read this
www.amazon.co.uk/E-Novel-Matt-Beaumont/dp/000710068X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1270714850&sr=8-1

which was basically the same principle. A book made entirely of e-mails between people at an advertising firm.

It was fairly entertaining in parts, but on the whole, fucking crap.

I imagine this other book may be the same.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:22, Reply)

no
it's worse

the only good bit in that book is "I wish my wife was as dirty as this van"





"she is"
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:25, Reply)

I've read two books
that I thought were shit:

1) The Rule of Four, by Iain Caldwell and Dustin Thomason. It was a Da Vinci Code-like plot, except for the fact that it had very little actual story to it, and was mostly concerned with what life was like at an American university (may have been Stanford, or possibly Harvard. It's so shite that I've forgotten). Now Dan Brown has his critics, but he's head and shoulders above this tosh.

2) Yellow Dog by Martin Amis. I read one of Amis's books, and really enjoyed it. It was a bit hard going, but rewarding in the end. So I bought Yellow Dog when it came out. I struggled to the end, and to this day have no idea what it was about, other than there was some King who called his aide "Bugger".
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:26, Reply)

Martin Amis' dad was a professional rival of my grandfather's
His autobiography is (apparently) full of spiteful remarks about him. My mother dimly remembers being made to play with the Amis children as a little girl. She didn't like them.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:34, Reply)

I thought "The Rule of Four" was leagues above Dan Brown
due to the fact that the sentences were longer than four one-syllable words.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:36, Reply)

I did a poo this morning
that was leagues above Dan Brown.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:37, Reply)

Maybe
but at least Brown's books have a plot, albeit a highly improbable and contrived one.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:38, Reply)

Oh and I forgot Dean Koontz
I used to be a fan of his, and read a load of his books. Mindless holiday reading, but enjoyable.

But then he started getting overtly religious in his books, and it came to a head in The Taking, where the strange events which occurred throughout were 'explained' by some sort of biblical catastrophe where the sinners were punished and the good were saved.

If I wanted to read that sort of thing, I'd read the bible.


Interestingly, I was out in Houston with work last year, and wandered into a bookstore one day. They had a huge section of the shop devoted to something called 'Christian Fiction'. I felt like asking why there were no bibles there.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:36, Reply)

I actually enjoyed The Taking.
It was completely different to other armaggedon stories and regardless of it's religious overview, was quite a page-turner.
( girlinthehole, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:41, Reply)

Aye, it was fine until the end
But those last few chapters put me right off.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:42, Reply)

I agree with you there.
It did get a bit heavy if I remember correctly.
( girlinthehole, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:49, Reply)

I quite enjoy his modern Frankenstein stuff
not read any others though
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:54, Reply)

good god The Taking was
shite.

Koontz is one of my favourite authors (alongside the aforementioned Patterson and Coben), but that was terrible. Why the hell I finished it I don't know.

I just got some of his older stuff for my Kindle, from the early 70s, and it's a lot better than that pile of crap (no matter how unrealistic it is, even today)
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:58, Reply)

I'm not taking the opinion of someone who reads from a kindle seriously.

( girlinthehole, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 10:17, Reply)

meh
nobody takes my opinion - seriously or otherwise.


And it's a good thing, a kindle. needs a few tweaks here and there (better music controls for a start), but overall, good
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 11:37, Reply)

A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy O'Toole
It' apparently a modern classic but I gave up about 1/4 of the way through. It's about a fat bloke who still lives with his mum and whines about how his job is beneath him.

If I liked that I'd go to more bashes. www.instantrimshot.com
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 9:57, Reply)

That is one of my favorite books.

( girlinthehole, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 10:18, Reply)

Would you like my copy?

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 10:57, Reply)

So if you and the Ramsey were the last two humans on earth
and you had to turn to each other for sexual gratification, the burning question is this:

would you kill him before sex or after?
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 10:22, Reply)

You missed out during sex.

( girlinthehole, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 10:24, Reply)

oh yeah.
Ok: would Ramsey be killed, before, during or after?

Or would he sneakily get in there first and then frantically hump Monty's rotting corpse till the end of time?
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 10:32, Reply)

Monty: Dead. Corpse: Rotting.
Cock: Out.

DONE.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 11:16, Reply)

pfft!
"FUCKING HELL Monty you TOSSPOT, you've RUINED the aromatic jus de spunk, I'm just going to HAVE to RIP YOUR FUCKING NUTS OFF and SERVE them as a FUCKING ENTREE," quoth Gordon.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 11:27, Reply)

I'd make him get the dinner on
whilst I had a wank.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 11:18, Reply)

One author my sister liked
Used to write books entirely in IMs between two teenage girls.

They were even worse than you would expect them to be.

Worst book I've read? Probably one of Dean Koontz's later efforts - I can't remember the title but it was about a woman who rescued dogs for a living.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 11:02, Reply)

Sounds a bit similar to
Who Moved My Blackberry which was actually a very funny read. The whole story is told as the sent items from his email but still manages to convey all the intricacies of the story.
(bill, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:11, Reply)