ARGH!
I overslept by 10 minutes, get stuck in traffic, and by the time I get to work I realise I've left my security dongle (hurr hurr) at home. One of my machines crashed overnight, causing me to lose valuable processing time.

Oh, and my machine-made mocha has no FUCKING chocolate in it!

What enrages you today?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:40, 81 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Cleaning sieves.

(Cave Duck, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:41, Reply)

I always find those a bit tricky
More vexing than enraging though.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:42, Reply)

I have been without a kitchen for exactly one month.
I have about two more weeks of no kitchen still to go.

Last night I couldn't untie my shoe laces or get my socks off or turn around in the bath because I am so enormously pregnant.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:42, Reply)

No kitchen sucks
I am so enormously pregnant. Catface crawled up inside me again.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:44, Reply)

Ah, as yet I lack the cavernous vadge.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:47, Reply)

but he's so small surely you don't need one?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:49, Reply)

Are you going to go natural, or C-Section?
Because I was a c-section, and I turned out wonderfully.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:49, Reply)

I have no choice -
the exit is blocked so c-section it is. Been warned it might be a vertical one. With blood transfusions. Still, if you are a shining example of cut-n-shut then I await the birth with much joy (provided she is not born with painfully pointy hair).
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:54, Reply)

Well, it was Catface that impregnated you, not I
So unlikely to have a mo'. If she does, this could prove awkward, not only for your delivery but for my friendship with the Captain V.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:57, Reply)

Now I worry that when he grabbed your cock, he may have caught some of your DNA.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:05, Reply)

If your daughter gets a mo'
Then she's got the best of what I have to give.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:09, Reply)

Nothing.
I'm in a blinding mood.

/Vipros
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:43, Reply)

You smug bastard

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:44, Reply)

I NO RITE
It's fucking terrible. I think I must still be riding the meat-high from Tayyabs last night.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:45, Reply)

I don't think I need to do any strikethroughs there

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:46, Reply)

There's never any NEED for a strikethrough.
Do it for the love of them.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:51, Reply)

them men
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:52, Reply)

I was tempted to have a cheeky bite of Dry Meat when I woke up.
I rapidly thought better of it though.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:46, Reply)

Fnar fnar
Fnar fnar
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:47, Reply)

How are your wrists?
I'm suprised you're able to type, what with the limpness and all.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:54, Reply)

Better than my lower bowel
(Which could also be described as 'limp')
The only way I can type is to hold them up by bits of string which I hold in my teeth. Then they just flop naturally onto the keyboard. _{Like my penis.}
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:09, Reply)

The people of planet earth and all the things they do and say.
The fucking cunts.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:45, Reply)

Something ought to be done about them

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:47, Reply)

Some kind of 'final solution' would be good.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:48, Reply)

You'll look even more like Richard Herring when you trim down to a Hitler 'tache.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:50, Reply)

No-one but you has ever made the Richard Herring comparison before
I can't see it myself - but perhaps I am in denial.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:52, Reply)

isn't this you?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:53, Reply)

Monty, you terrible cunt

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:56, Reply)

"I demand the finest wines available to humanity!"

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:59, Reply)

It's probably just that, after that one night,
I tend to see him in everyone I find attractive.

Fist of Fun indeed.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:54, Reply)

so maybe it's
A BIT OF A RED HERRING!!!11111!!!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:59, Reply)

*rapturous applause*
AND THE CROWD GOES WILD
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:02, Reply)

WILD HOME
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:06, Reply)

Your face
Actually I'm in quite a good mood. I think I'm still a bit drunk from last night, and I became an uncle again this morning. (3rd time)

Woo!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:46, Reply)

Congratulations.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:47, Reply)

Thank you

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:51, Reply)

Ernie?

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:48, Reply)

The 3rd time this morning? Your bro/sis doesn't hang around!
Congratulations!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:48, Reply)

Brother, tis his second!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:20, Reply)

I'm in a good mood too
still curious as to who put the massive picture of a croissant in my profile though.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:50, Reply)

Sadly my prime suspects are all protesting their innocence.
I know your password now though. FIENDISH security, nice work.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:53, Reply)

I think when I signed up I was expecting it to ask for more security
and when it didn't I decided I didn't care.

you were one of my prime suspects, this may be an elaborate bløf though
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:56, Reply)

ROFLMAOPMP
Someone likely changed a pic you'd linked in your profile to the garganu-croissant, but uploading it to the same b3tard account with the same name.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:55, Reply)

I know that you fool
I want to know who cracked my fiendishly difficult password
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:56, Reply)

Some bounder's got hold of an Enigma machine.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:58, Reply)

what a rotter

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:59, Reply)

I bet they were American

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:09, Reply)

FIENDISH
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:05, Reply)

isn't it just?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:07, Reply)

I contemplated over-riding the croissant
But, to be honest, I couldn't top that.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:14, Reply)

That scared me so badly I clicked errantly and closed my b3ta tab.
Wibble.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 14 May 2010, 10:16, Reply)

I'll take that as a compliment

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:18, Reply)

Severn Fucking Trent water
a bigger bunch of inept cunts I have yet to meet. Well, talk to on the phone. Speaking to them over and over again is like being gently stoned to death with pot pourri.
(berk, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:51, Reply)

Nothing today
I'm happy like a partdrige today.

There are tons of things that usually make me very upset, but I'm not thinking about them today as I don't want to spoil my mood.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Fri 14 May 2010, 9:55, Reply)

A-HAAAAAAAA

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:57, Reply)

Crabsticks" do not actually contain any crab and from 1993 manufacturers have been legally obliged to label them "Crab flavoured sticks".
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:02, Reply)

Jaffa cakes are classified as cakes not biscuits
This leaves them exempt from VAT.

The argument was biscuit go soft when left out, but cakes go hard. Therefore KJaffa cakes are cakes.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:05, Reply)

biscuit I
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:12, Reply)

I know a cracking owl sanctuary

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:08, Reply)

YES!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:08, Reply)

I've got two....traffic cones...

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:11, Reply)

Is that ok? Should I go faster or maintain the same speed?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Technically
I am a guest on your show and you have failed to control me. Read the small print in your cone-tract.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:16, Reply)

Have you got your big plate, Alan?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:17, Reply)

I'm in a great mood
still a bit perturbed about being at work (obviously) but come 5.30pm I have a road trip to Aberdeen to indulge in a sesh tonight, doing the boyfriend/girlfriend thing through the day tomorrow and then tomorrow night seeing my mates band and again drinking enough to retard a man.

Also have Monday off to recuperate so bring it ffffffffucking on!!
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 14 May 2010, 9:55, Reply)

thing
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:17, Reply)

.
( girlinthehole, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:00, Reply)

I have yellow fever

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:03, Reply)

racist

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:04, Reply)

I didn't say bastard commie yellow fever

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:08, Reply)

My rectum is distressingly painless
despite having my morning poo. Also my guts aren't churning and I'm not getting cold sweats. I feel disappointed as I was tucking away the chilli sauce like it was going out of fashion last night.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:20, Reply)

You need to go hotter

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:21, Reply)

I should have got Crow to rub some directly onto my starfish with his limp wrists.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:23, Reply)

Unlucky.
What can have gone wrong?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:23, Reply)

I don't know
I had the wet wipes set out by the toilet in readiness but in the end I only used them because I like the feeling rather than out of necessity.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:24, Reply)

They are refreshing.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:25, Reply)

A heartbreaking tale.
My anus is twitching like a rabbit's nose and I cannot stop guffing.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:25, Reply)

No connection to your twitching anus...
...but what is this about Freddie Mercury?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:17, Reply)

I am enraged by this twat...
"Tony Howard (CEO of BP) has said the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is relatively tiny compared with the size of the ocean."
Will he still follow that logic if I slice him into small pieces and say his death is insignificant compared to the population of the planet?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:15, Reply)

the halfwits at the caff fucked up my order
substituting bacon for sausage in my sausage and egg on whte crusty with red sauce. Now, I don't mind a bacon and egg sandwich but what sort of godless heathen would serve one with anything other than BROWN sauce? My day is ruined Itell you.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:24, Reply)

I crashed out of the uni poker tournament last night in 10th
Despite making the final table with the second biggest stack. It's much more irritating than usual because first prize was £185, and I was probably favourite to win it.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Fri 14 May 2010, 11:27, Reply)