Alright, Dullsville?
It seems that I may have accidentally encouraged the snub-nosed chubster I mentioned on here a few days ago.

This simply will not do at all, it isn't allowed. She's become over-familiar with me, far too friendly and nice, and has started referring to me as her 'angel'.
I have to put a stop to this at once, I need to make myself unattractive as soon as possible, and you lot were the first people I thought of for help.

Suggestions?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:36, 86 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The thread I was born to reply to.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:37, Reply)

Come on then, Chompy
give me your best moves
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:38, Reply)

In office based enviroment,
every time you make her tea get it wrong, too much/too little sugar, fuck loads of milk or just make it with tap water.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:40, Reply)

I don't make the tea
what on earth do you take me for?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:41, Reply)

Sorry I didn't think.
You've probably not passed the test yet.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:42, Reply)

or you could just pick something about her
and tease her about it until she gets upset and then call her childish.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:45, Reply)

Another marvellous idea!
It's worked before, so why not?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:50, Reply)

It works best when it's something that's a bit obscure
like wonky eyebrows or small ears rather than "you're fat"
(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:53, Reply)

Her nose points upwards
I'll start asking her what the ceiling smells like
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:54, Reply)

I suspect this might be a winner

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:56, Reply)

Hiya Vipros
How are you doing, you massive bearded prick?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:57, Reply)

not too bad. bit bored of work today, but nothing new there
how are you, you deviant homunculus?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:58, Reply)

Top o' the range, Vipros
Top o' the range
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:00, Reply)

magic darts

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:01, Reply)

I keep failing at the milk stage
apparently you're not supposed to ask pregnant colleagues for a squeeze of their tits
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:45, Reply)

It's the fact that they weren't pregnant that upset them

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:08, Reply)

No, she was about 8 months gone
with twins. She really didn't look very amused, and all the people in the office did a big facepalm
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:13, Reply)

The old ones are the best.
Just be yourself.
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:38, Reply)

This might be good advice
right now I'm doing my utmost at work to appear 'normal', if I let my real personality shine through, perhaps she'd take her hulking great carcass elsewhere
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:40, Reply)

Tuck your jumper into your chinos

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:40, Reply)

Or maybe I could shave my hair into a mohawk
and dress like one of those people from the late 70s that nobody liked.

You know, the ones who listened to bands like the sex pistols and the dead pets, wore shabby clothes and pierced themselves with safety pins.
Oh, I can't remember what they're called now, but it'll come to me.

...that's it! Attention seeking, wannabe-alternative arseholes
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:45, Reply)

I wouldnt do that if I were you
You'd look daft, but have women touching you all the time.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:46, Reply)

Ugly, ugly women

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:49, Reply)

Then definitely don't do it if you're trying to shake that behemoth you've got frothin'

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:50, Reply)

take her out on a date

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:40, Reply)

This, is almost infallible

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:41, Reply)

set up a fake email and send her emails from an anonymous source saying how she'd better stay away from you

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:47, Reply)

I like this idea
better yet I could get an actual woman to warn her about me
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:49, Reply)

If she knows you are in demand, she will only be keener.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:51, Reply)

I meant a female friend
the same one whose sister I dated for a little while, she's very good at putting women off me
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:52, Reply)

why not just get her drunk and fuck her?
I'm sure she'll back off after that
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:54, Reply)

Euch
Physical contact with another human being right now would make me very ill
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:56, Reply)

go on, maybe it's what you need
throw her a bone
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:04, Reply)

NO, Kristine
Stop trying to arrange rape from the other side of the world
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:08, Reply)

just put it in your moooooooouth
I said your motha fucken moooooooooooooouuuuuuuth
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:12, Reply)

I find a little trickle of sick from the side of your mouth to be very effective.
Better if you can have bits of diced carrot stuck in your beard too.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:45, Reply)

Bertie.
Just be yourself.
Edit - Fuck!
Alt A - show her your knob.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:46, Reply)

Tell her you love anal.

( girlinthehole, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:47, Reply)

I don't though
I'm against anal.

Although I did get drunk and try to stick it up the ex's arse once, maybe that's one of the many reasons she dumped me
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:48, Reply)

It doesn't have to be true.

( girlinthehole, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:49, Reply)

I'm not very good at lying
I stutter and stammer and have hot flushes
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:51, Reply)

stutter and stammer and have hot flushes smirk.
( girlinthehole, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:54, Reply)

You've never met me, I'm not very smirky at all

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:55, Reply)

It's how I imagine you to be.

( girlinthehole, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:56, Reply)

He's a bit like one of those people
who knock on your door to get you to change electricity supplier.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:57, Reply)

Well you're imagining wrong
Imagine a manic depressive lemur, and you'd be much closer to the mark
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:58, Reply)

I think of you more as an adolescent orangutan with ADHD.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:01, Reply)

Taking of giving?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:48, Reply)

Give her a massive Mangina,
while screaming "LOOK! LOOK! I'M A LADY! LET'S GO HANDBAG SHOPPING!"
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:49, Reply)

bert... massive?

(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:51, Reply)

I'm glad you don't post more often

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:52, Reply)

I only wish that you'd post less.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:53, Reply)

I only wish that your wife had sense

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:55, Reply)

Oh I can agree with this post
I also wish she posted more holiday pictures on facebook.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:58, Reply)

I'm sure she'll come to her senses sooner or later.
When the Chloroform runs out, I mean.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 14:58, Reply)

I hope she doesn't
It's nice seeing you two together.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:03, Reply)

seeing spying on

while I touch myself
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:04, Reply)

Well, yes okay. You got me

(Bazongaloid, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:05, Reply)

or maybe give her a chance?
and go out with her. If the worst comes to the worst, just behave badly at dinner, have trouble with your cutlery etc
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:05, Reply)

I read that as "cuntlery"
it amused me no end
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:06, Reply)

Oh, I actually have nothing against her
She's a very nice, lovely, fairly attractive girl, but I absolutely, steadfastly refuse to go within ten feet of other people these days
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:07, Reply)

Oh you're so complex and interesting bert,
you're damaged and it's stopping you from living.
Forgive yourself bert, you have a beautiful soul.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:15, Reply)

Christ, is there nothing you won't lie about, QOTW?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:16, Reply)

just cool it off then
don't talk to her, forget some of her texts, don't make as much eye contact. If she's minimally bright she'll realise you've lost interest. If it gets to a point where she admits full out she's attracted, tell her the truth, that you're just not going out with anyone at the moment. Usually works

/real advice on the internet
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:18, Reply)

Ewwwwww
That all sounded so, so, pleasant

I've already been avoiding her, but it would seem that she's after me now, and to let her down I'm going to have to be brutal
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:21, Reply)

Why be brutal?
A simple no will suffice. She might go away and have a silent cry later that night, suffer embarassment that she might have misread the signals, probably have a night in with chocolate and a film, or bitch to her friends a bit. But none of that will affect you, and it will be over and done with
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:23, Reply)

Or she could go mental and stab him.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:25, Reply)

Ooh I hope it's this one.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:29, Reply)

I hope it's this option
EDIT - Mindpiss!
(Bazongaloid, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:29, Reply)

It's not mindpiss, just a popular opinion.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:32, Reply)

There used to be some rules about mindpiss
the relavant one is, it's not mindpiss if it's the right answer.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:36, Reply)

Just be yourself
That should do the trick
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:07, Reply)

You're the third person to suggest that
but you know as well as I do, in person I'm a charming little snake

EDIT Shit, she just walked in
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:08, Reply)

I don't want to know about your "charming little snake", if you don't mind me saying so.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:15, Reply)

Are you sure?
Because I can post pictures if you like?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:16, Reply)

Actually, yes. I would like to see your penis in a picture.
I want my name on a card next to it to prove you've taken the photo just for me.

I seriously 100% want this, I don't think you'd have the guts to do this though.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:17, Reply)

Aw, man
I was just going to post Hitlercock again, but I don't even have that since they cleared out B3tards a while back

EDIT back off to work now, bye Gonz, I'll miss you lots, bye
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:18, Reply)

okaybyebyeloveyoubyebye NO YOU HANG UP

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:26, Reply)

No. I know that you're a hairy little shitcunt
There's nothing charming about you
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:19, Reply)

Heeheehee
A hairy little shitcunt, who's THE BEST YOU EVER HAD
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:19, Reply)

Oh dear god are we really back to that again?
Dear delusional bertie, I've had vibrators and dildo's able to do the job better than you. Don't flatter yourself.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:24, Reply)

To be fair, it's hard to compete with a cock that's so big it's got it's own little cock, and both of those cocks have such arabatic skill that they could perform a circus act.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:27, Reply)

I didn't notice your name change
and was like "who on earth is this random, suddenly weighing in on this conversation?"


/pointless post has no point
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:30, Reply)

I also did this.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:37, Reply)

poidh.
...
(CheatingRabbit, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 22:05, Reply)

Explain to her, in explicit detail, about Casu marzu, and how you love the feeling when you stick your penis inside it.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 18 Jun 2010, 15:16, Reply)