I will start with the smoke alarm since I can't open it to take out the battery. Battery is dying and is beeping every minute

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:33, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Oh god that is the most irritating thing ever.
I had that a couple of weeks ago. How come you can't open it?
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:34, Reply)

Because it won't open
So I either put up with it or rip the whole thing out of the ceiling.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:35, Reply)

Screw it out of its mounting? Then stamp on it and ask the fire service for another free one.
Or however those creatures are stuck on.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:36, Reply)

No screws that I can get at either.

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:39, Reply)

does the whole thing not twist and then come off?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:41, Reply)

Ooh I don't know. I suppose I could try that. Or I could glare at it and use my jedi mind tricks
Damn my jedi mind tricks appear to be low on calcium today
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:53, Reply)

I'd suggest twisting by hand then
and seeing if it comes off. either that or hit it with a broom.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:55, Reply)

Yeah maybe I'll try that. Y'see I'd never think of looking at the instructions printed on it with directional arrows to twist it. Nope, not me, never
Just how fucking stupid do you think I am?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 12:10, Reply)

Try wearing a shorter skirt.

( thealternativefact, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:41, Reply)

Ahahahahhaa damn. Trousers :(

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:54, Reply)

Apparently the fire service will change the batteries for you or something.
I may be lying though.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:37, Reply)

I know they give free smoke alarms away

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:38, Reply)

I don't want more of the cunting things!
Maybe if I ask them to send a fit fireman to do it and act like a stupid girl they'd do it.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:41, Reply)

Best course of action.
Minimum effort on your behalf, potential of attractive men. Calm, sleepful nights without the urge to scream every 40 seconds or so.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:43, Reply)

Eh? I don't sleep here. I'm at work

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:51, Reply)

You don't sleep at work?
WRONG!
( thealternativefact, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:56, Reply)

I did the other day. Forgot there's no bell on the door and woke up with an old lady looming over me. Nearly shat meself

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:58, Reply)

Ohhh, I thought it was in your flat.
Those things really disturb your sleep.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:58, Reply)

Nah, I'd happily smash that one if necessary :)

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 12:07, Reply)

Hammers will get it open.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:35, Reply)

True
I replaced my keys with a number of hammers.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:37, Reply)

No hammer here. Not my ceiling either

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:37, Reply)

No Ortho kit with a hammer in it?
Bone saw ought to do the trick then.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:59, Reply)

Nope, quiet branch today so no kits here
Got the lid off and the bit where the battery goes I'd partially covered by the electrical mains. So there's a dying battery and electricity in the same unit. God I love this logic so so much
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 12:18, Reply)

Jam a sick kitten in there then.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 12:24, Reply)

I reckon the battery's for if there's a powercut
Apologies if this is stating the obvious.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 12:25, Reply)

Ceiling's too high

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:35, Reply)

Alright? Did you manage to find any buckets of wine?

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:37, Reply)

Better than that
I managed to find a box of wine from AC Fitou called "Seigneurie d'Arse"

The word "Arse" is emphasised on the box in big letters. I may try and get a photo of it on here this evening to share the puerile hilarity with you all.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:43, Reply)

Oh very amusing. I hope it tasted better than Arse.
I did like the image of a bucket better though.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:45, Reply)

Sadly the place that did buckets of wine has closed down
and merged with another Cave in a village down the road. Sadly no more wine from something that resembled a petrol pump and was carried up the hill in a plastic bucket.

Haven't tasted the Arse yet, but it is a Fitou Cascastel so I hold out reasonable hope that it will not turn out to be a waste of seven quid.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:47, Reply)

Oh man.
That's a shame. At least you branched out, and you've got some Arse to show for it. I imagine you'll have to pierce the box with some kind of implement in order to sample the delicacies within?
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:51, Reply)

Verily,
shall I skewer it, by means of an (in)appropriate implement, and once it has yielded, than shall I sup upon the bountiful fluids within, steadily draining this box of Arse, until I must plunder it further and pull out the sac within, wringing it dry of its succulent juices.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:53, Reply)

Report back on what you find
If you wake up after having passed out, it may have been tampered with by Darth, using a nefarious ploy to entice those who, for want of a better phrase, enjoy the Arse.
Or it may have just been the wine.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:56, Reply)

Oddly enough the book I've been reading recently
included a chapter on Humphry Davy's early experiments in which he basically dosed himself with nitrous oxide and tried to write down the sensations he experienced afterwards, with a lab assistant on hand to feed him oxygen if he overdid it.

I feel I may have to do the same with my Box of Arse, though my most likely choice of "lab assistant" will probably end up suffering the ill-effects of "overdosing" as well.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 12:02, Reply)

Sounds interesting!
I know friends who have taken it as a recreational drug. Kids these days, they'll do anything moan moan moan.

Tell the fucker to get their own booze. You don't want them pillaging your Arse.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 12:06, Reply)

Are you calling me a shortarse mr bumderman?

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:38, Reply)

SHABBA!

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:38, Reply)

reluctantlol

( thealternativefact, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:39, Reply)

Hahahah

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:41, Reply)

You've leapt to the conclusion
that I'm not alluding to you living in a residence with high Florentine ceilings.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:44, Reply)

Ahh but you've lept to the conclusion that I'm a workshy slacker still in bed at home eating cheesy wotsits. You are verily mistaken my friend for I am in fact at work

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:56, Reply)

Indeed I am much mistaken.
So does your place of work have high ceilings or have you shrunk since I last saw you?
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 12:00, Reply)

Neither, I can reach it just fine

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 12:19, Reply)

In which case I suggest you set it on fire
Oh, the irony!
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 12:24, Reply)

Fill a waterspray
with salty water and spray it till it short circuits.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:39, Reply)

No salt and no because I would probably die in an unfortunate fashion

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:42, Reply)

It's a 9v battery, not a power substation
failing that, it should open if you pop two flathead screwdrivers either side of the casing and push.

Failing that, I'll come and set it on fire. Should shut it up/irony
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:43, Reply)

Pfft, I meant when I fall off the folding chair used for assessing said demon box. We're so quiet here that I could lie in my own filth for several hours before being found. By which time the brain haemorrhage has taken hold and I'm a vegetable anyway
Ps. My neck hurts today anyway
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:48, Reply)

Neck hurts?
Probably trying to support the unfeasibly arrogant head you have on it :D

Tell you what, give me your address and I'll send round a letter bomb and it won't bother you any more...
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:52, Reply)

Oh if only that were true. Instead I fear that I have a tequila worm lodged in there doing its best The Thing impression and any minute now I'll start transforming into a far more horrible creature
Do you do countryside posting? We only get one delivery a day.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 12:06, Reply)

i actually have a file
where the client's property burned down because of faulty wiring in the smoke detector.

it is like a physical embodiment of Irony.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:42, Reply)

Check if a b3tan lived there first. If they weigh 20+stone, have a beard and a dubious odour of vanquished virgin then its likely ,)

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:45, Reply)

and that's just the female b3tans

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:57, Reply)

Me and my mates, when we were about 8 or soo, once found a set-off rape alarm in the park.
We all, in all seriousness, thought it was a bomb, and was going to blow up the park, so we did the only thing we could do to stop it; stamp on it and throw things at it until it stopped. We eventually broke it after a few hours, and we were quite proud of ourselves.

In retrospect, like, 15 years later, I wonder if someone actually got raped or if some older kids were just messing around.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:52, Reply)

We also found a huge stack of tiles through the hole in the fence in my back garden, a large stack of them that were so old they had moss on them, and shiney bits.
Naturally, they were roman artifacts, you could tell because when you held a microscope to them, they looked old, and therefore were roman.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 12:00, Reply)

Does the battery slide out the side?
That's what we had in the last flat. Saying that, it was wired to the mains or something, so didn't have a battery in it for most of the year.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 12:01, Reply)

Oh this is marvellous. I managed to pry off the outer bit and its attached to the mains...with a fucking battery as well
BECKYSMASH
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 12:16, Reply)

In that case
Remove the battery and it'll keep working fine as long as there's not a powercut, and it should shut up the beeping.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 12:27, Reply)