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(I helped save b3ta! rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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It's Uncle Wormulus's Agony couch
Tell me your problems and I will solve them for you.


* The responses I give are meant in jest and should not be followed, I accept no liability for anybody who actually takes my advice. For more information and terms and conditions please write to INTERNETLAWYERMAN, The internet.
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:28, 184 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Well, wormulus, I think it's time for me to further my life in all aspects.
In a lot of respects, I'm not a billionare, I don't have a supermodel girlfriend who is into all the same passions as I am, and I don't have a pet.

What would you suggest I do to 1UP my life?
(I helped save b3ta! G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:32, Reply)
I know I'm not wormulus,
but I'd start with getting a pet. start small and build up to the billionaire status.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:33, Reply)
My drug story:
www.b3ta.com/questions/massivedrugs/post870196
(I helped save b3ta! G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:27, Reply)
Dear gonzo
You are a very caring and talented young man with much to offer the world.
You should set yourself some short term achievable objectives and some longer term objectives, after deciding what you actually want from life.

First you should wash and read a dictionary.
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:47, Reply)
Fabulous ! Already "Bringing It On."
Step one before all that: Fucking off from here for the most part.
(I helped save b3ta! G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:57, Reply)
What should I do
if I'm caught wanking in the Sackler library?
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:33, Reply)
This is certainly something Wormulus has personal experience of.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:39, Reply)
From the horse's mouth
so as to speak
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:39, Reply)
Dear Amberl
Masturbation in public places can make other people feel very uncomfortable and can get you into lots of trouble.

If you find yourself continuing to experience sexual frustration you are best not to try and get sex from the paleskinned dorks you know but to Gaz Wormulus for a convenient time and place.
* Please note that this service involves a charge, based on the combined wieght of all participants.
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:50, Reply)
You are a paleskinned dork.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:52, Reply)
how very dare you
he wears a scarf
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:55, Reply)
Only indoors.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:02, Reply)
You think dork
means Dark Orc
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:38, Reply)
Good advice
I shall implement not masturbating in public immediately
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:56, Reply)
I keep upsetting people on the internet
what can I do to become a super cool internet guy like Al?
(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:34, Reply)
Dear BobbyHill
Al is a cool guy who plays by his own rules and doesn't care what people think. Upsetting people on the internet is part of being cool, however, if you want more practice at licking people's arses online you could visit this website and reply to every image with the word 'woo'

www.b3ta.com/board
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:52, Reply)
I'm on it.
Woo!
(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:57, Reply)
Woo!

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:59, Reply)
Yay!
Houpla!
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:21, Reply)
Should I write to watchdog/rogue traders about my flat problems
I might get on TV, but then again I might have to speak to that bloke who presents it who is a prize cunt.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:37, Reply)
Dear PsychoChomp
I doubt that anything in your pathetic mewling life is interesting or important enough to get on television. If you want to appear on television the best way would be to commit a terrible crime.
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:53, Reply)
I'll take that as a yes.
Then you'll be watching watchdog one day eating a pot noodle with your fingers and see me, then you'll silently cry for the rest of the night.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:54, Reply)
should I eat my packet of prawn cocktail crisps now
or a bit later?
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:38, Reply)
Dear Vipros
Eat them quickly, before they turn rancid.
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:53, Reply)
top advice
thanks
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:53, Reply)
How do I get HOT CHICKS to stop bothering me?
All I want to do is play computer games with my 'gamer' pals, and squeeze my spots in my homone-infested sweaty wanking chamber - but instead I am forced to spend much of my time fending off FANNY with a shitty stick.

Also, my parents don't understand me OR my music.

What can I do?
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:56, Reply)
Host a LAN party,
invite the chicks, ignore them.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 13:58, Reply)
My Honda Accord keeps being vandalized
What do I do?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:05, Reply)
Dear PJM
You should learn kung-fu and confront the vandals.
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:41, Reply)
I'm 'working' from home due to cancelled meetings:
Should I...
1. Do a small bit of actual work and maybe smoke some light hash with chill tunes in the background.
2. Smoke some massive skunk and watch The Nightporter on DVD.
3. Go for a walk and then meet a friend for a few early evening drinkies.
4. A N Other.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:14, Reply)
5. stop being a fucking bender.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:15, Reply)
Ooh get you all showing off now that you have a 'girlfriend'.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:23, Reply)
I have never made this claim, ACTUALLY.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:23, Reply)
Ha. I knew it was a man*.
* Or Darth.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:26, Reply)
How do you stop black people from jumping on your bed?

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:14, Reply)
Apartheid at the door policy?

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:15, Reply)
don't have a white woman in it
or something else equally racist.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:16, Reply)
A stern word about the potential damage to the bedsprings is the correct approach
although, the colour of their skin is unlikely to have any bearing on the effectiveness or otherwise of this method.
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:19, Reply)
Don't use bungee cord to hang them.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:21, Reply)
you could
put velcro on the ceiling. but that wouldn't prohibit the very first bounce.

i say go for a widely drafted clause that prevents any form of person, regardless of sex, age, nationality, colour, creed or religion, from engaging in any sort of activity, including but not limited to, bouncing, flouncing, thrashing, diving, leaping, jumping, hopping, skipping, pouncing or otherwise moving swiftly on or around your bed.

i'm £385 plus vat and disbs per hour but for you monty...
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:22, Reply)
£382.50?
YESSSSSSSS
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:23, Reply)
monty monty
how could you reduce what we have to filthy lucre?

i was going to say, but for you monty, i'd breach my own restrictive covenant. because you know, i talk THAT DIRTY.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:26, Reply)
Phwooooarrrr!
I wouldn't mind 'breaching' your 'restrictive covenant', love.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:30, Reply)
watching the same happen to Lampito in her films not enough for you?

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:31, Reply)
I am INSATIABLE.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:33, Reply)
Doing the same to Lampito
isn't enough for him
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:34, Reply)
Well she's 'broken' now.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:37, Reply)
This is true facts
I couldn't walk for a couple of days.
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:43, Reply)
That's me.
'Love'em and leave'em (split like a ruptured pea pod)'
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:44, Reply)
it's very tightly drafted
so can accommodate both major and minor breaches, although the bigger the breach, the bigger the damages award.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:34, Reply)
Don't....stop....

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:36, Reply)
*get's 'the gush' like a sad faced, freaky clown*

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:37, Reply)
who is the geyser and who is the clown
in this scenario? i have lost control of my own metaphor.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:41, Reply)
Both are me.
Plus, metaphwwwooooaar more like.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:43, Reply)
oh god
i have reduced the charming, beautifully spoken, cultured monty into a "sun" reading white van driver. why do i always bring out the worst in men (some of whom are pretty shit to start with)?
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:47, Reply)
It's your Northernness.
It has corrupted me from within.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:51, Reply)
it's the only explanation

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:51, Reply)
so are you both saying
that northern girls are filthier?

i've lived half my life in cheshire/yorkshire and half in london, so i win either way. unless you don't take being filthy as a win, of course. hmmm.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:55, Reply)
Well, I am as filthy as they come
as I'm generally covered in excrement.
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:56, Reply)
I couldn't possibly say, due to complete ignorance.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:57, Reply)
lies!
i detect backtracking.

and you, mr vipros.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:02, Reply)
I can say with complete honesty
that I have never mated with a Northern.

Upon my honour.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:11, Reply)
I can also say this
also, that post I linked earlier, the poster has responded, angrily.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:13, Reply)
I fear I have exacerbated the situation now.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:27, Reply)
many people don't seem to grasp how you can get some good, clean, simple fun
from being a terrible pedant.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:29, Reply)
It's the sport of kings, old boy.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:33, Reply)
what I find particularly amusing
is that each individual who gets worked up about it seems to think that it is a personal attack.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:35, Reply)
In fairness, it is becoming one now.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:42, Reply)
on your part.
I don't care enough
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:43, Reply)
i'll be back around midnight
i'll leave the french doors open for you
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:16, Reply)
I'm going to have to
send my Euphemism-ometer in for repairs - it just overheated, made a funny noise and has subsequently blown up.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:27, Reply)
that's the longest way
to describe "ejaculation" that i've ever seen, well done.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:31, Reply)
I aim to please.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:35, Reply)
my open french doors
and i will take you at your word
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 16:04, Reply)
I wasn't thinking of that sort of corruption
I have no idea either. The northernmost I have ventured, conquestually speaking, is Reading, or possibly Swansea, which either is more northerly
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:59, Reply)
Northern girls are more vocal about filthiness
Filthiness = WIN.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:04, Reply)
but they say it in their dreadful accents...
much better to hear someone well spoken encouraging you to give it to them.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:09, Reply)
Oh I have to agree here
A well-spoken lady talking dirty is hot.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:14, Reply)
It's not that good when you have a loud voice
and you're having cocktails with someone easily embarrassed.
Like Kitty.
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:10, Reply)
Before I go to the cash point, what can I expect for this? And does anyone else want in on this? If we can get 38 of us, it'll only be a tenner each, seems worth it to me, girls 'round my way charge about £60.

(I helped save b3ta! G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:09, Reply)
Dear Monty Boyce
One was to stop this happening would be to be openly hostile to them, once they think that you are racist they will stop visiting you alltogether.
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:42, Reply)
people keep expecting me to do work and to know some LAW
which is at best inconsiderate and at worst rude. where/how should i tell them to get off?
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:17, Reply)
Give shoddy and
blatantly incorrect advice to these mannerless pigs. Thus weaning them off their need for your MASSIVE LEGAL advice.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:24, Reply)
some would say
i do that anyway!
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:25, Reply)
You thought
you'd already done that the other day as I recall.

You are not your professional indemnity insurers' friend!
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:27, Reply)
nah
i panicked because the client could not read. i should have known what i had done was flawless!
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:29, Reply)
Supreme confidence in one's ability.
Like it.

Clients, eh!
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:32, Reply)
well
that and i had an excellent supervisor at the time!
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:35, Reply)
Now I'm sworn to a life of celibacy.
What shall I do with my naughty underwear?

Oh and if anyone wants some free trade condoms then gaz me.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:18, Reply)
Do you mean free trade or fair trade?
I'd hate it something chronic if my nodders weren't ethically sourced.
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:21, Reply)
Sorry! yes fair trade.
Actually I'd better check they're not out of date first.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:21, Reply)
tempting
you haven't sabotaged them or anything have you?
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:22, Reply)
Nope.
Unless taking them out of the box now and then and counting them is sabogate.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:24, Reply)
some may consider that to be sabotage
what are they like. I'm very picky
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:24, Reply)
I don't know what they're like.
I've never used one.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:25, Reply)
not even tried to get it over your head?

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:27, Reply)
I have a very big head.
I never bothered to try.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:27, Reply)
I have a big head too
and neither have I

I'm glad we have found this common ground
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:30, Reply)
I knew there would be something that tied us together in some small way.

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:31, Reply)
who could have predicted that it would be some as spiritual as having a big head

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:38, Reply)
I certainly feel a little bit closer to you than I did before.

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:40, Reply)
I'm glad we have shared this moment

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:43, Reply)
*looks away*
*blushes*
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:44, Reply)
*looks down*
*scuffs ground*
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:46, Reply)
*remembers she has a bag of crisps in drawer*
*wanders off*
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:49, Reply)
Donate your bras to the RAF

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:21, Reply)
Anti aircraft missile throwers?

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:22, Reply)
Two-man parachutes.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:22, Reply)
Chinook covers.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:24, Reply)
Dear BGB
Many women of your age feel that they will never receive a cock again. Don't give up.

However, if celibacy is inevitable perhaps donate the underwear to a homeless shleter to provide a variety of tents to house London's destitutes. Alternatively some of the more lacy items would make excellent scarves for interior designers and other gays.
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:47, Reply)
What is the best way to dispose of a dead hooker that is bleeding through a tarp in the boot of your car?
Just hypothetically speaking but could you hurry up, she's starting to smell
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:24, Reply)
Eat her.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:25, Reply)
no way, her vag looked like an explosion in a wallpaper paste factory...OH I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN

(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:26, Reply)
and i always thought you
were such a nice boy
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:29, Reply)
You'll have to excuse me Miss Swipe
I have felt like shit all week, has this stopped me from turning up for work?

I think I have caught some strange Swedish bug.
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:31, Reply)
well, because it's you
oh really, what was her name?
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:35, Reply)
"Goteborg" and she was a beautiful medieval nordic city
best ride of my life (Well, the Lisberg theme park has the best wooden roller-coaster in the world).
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:39, Reply)
i LOVE rollercoasters
i could happily live at alton towers. well, without the plebs.

did she give you butterflies in your stomach?
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:46, Reply)
Oh yes! We went ALL THE WAY again and again and AGAIN
and then I threw up and started to cry and had to leave reeking of shame
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:58, Reply)
has she called you since?
or did you do that whole chandler thing of "i'll give you a call"...
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:03, Reply)
all she said was "Hurdy gurdy hurdy gurdy hurdy gurdy"
which is what all Swedes seem to be saying
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:07, Reply)
That's Donovan, covered by Steve Hillage and The Butthole Surfers

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:13, Reply)
It is?
I mean, YES, it is *pops suit collar, tries to look cool*
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:18, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyrxtVnc-28
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:25, Reply)
The hurdy-gurdy is a bloomin strange instrument
I wouldn't know where to start and would opt for the Bass hurdy gurdy instead.


(Cave Duck, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 16:02, Reply)
open to interpretation then!

(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:14, Reply)
....gery disease.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:37, Reply)
Haha

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:39, Reply)
Keep that and nail it to the kitchen wall....
...and call it 'Tart Blart Art'.
(Fuck Damien Hirst, the lightweight tosser.)
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:30, Reply)
Dear Colonel Dracula
Your problem is a common one.
The best way is to report the body to the police who can then try and identify her. If the body is bleeding through a tarp, you should consider using a waterproof carrier, several layers of binliners/polythene and some ducktape should be sufficient, however, many favour an absorbent material, carpets are common.
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:45, Reply)
I'm about 3 films away from an anal prolapse
Should I still make them, and retire, or should I move onto something more niche like armpit fucking?
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:44, Reply)
Keep making them
(the fact that I am both co-star and majority shareholder in the production company is neither here nor there)

When it actually happens we can film it and make an edgy 'arthouse' film about it. Lots of moody lighting etc.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:49, Reply)
make it a martial arthouse film

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:51, Reply)
GUT WHIP

(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:51, Reply)
become the giver
once the prolapse happens. The 'voice of experience' as it were
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:51, Reply)
I might move into colostomy bag scat.

(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:51, Reply)
Camera pans out
Lampito stands there. She seductively whispers to the camera 'you've seen me before in Anal Ramming 7 and the best-selling Cavity Search 4.

Now I bring you the fruits of my labour. Literally speaking.'

*Shows colostomy bag*
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:54, Reply)
Shittellypoop-bag bebopdiddly doo.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:55, Reply)
It's what happens
when you mix Cab Calloway and shit
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:57, Reply)
Cab Calloway IS shit.
When you mix Cab Calloway and shit you just get a shit cocktail.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:10, Reply)
Cab Calloway is not shit
I don't even really like jazz and I like him
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:12, Reply)
He is the Iron Maiden of jazz.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:37, Reply)
That's actually a surprisingly good analogy

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:43, Reply)
Except I quite like Iron Maiden
so not really putting me off him. I love his version of Minnie the Moocher
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:45, Reply)
Minnie is a good song
and he does turn in a good performance on Blues Brothers. I just think - at least from the songs I've heard - he has a habit of overdoing the scat and ruining the piece. A bit like Coltrane or Parker just going off on one and completely detaching their solos from the rest of the band.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:48, Reply)
That's fair enough
since admittedly I know little about jazz and haven't heard enough to judge I shall take your word for it
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:50, Reply)
listen to the song Jazz Guy by the Presidents of the USA
it sums it up nicely

particularly the bit that goes:
I wanna learn all the chords
solo till everyone in the room
is bored
beyond belief
I can't wait for the end of my solo
sweet sweet relief
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:53, Reply)
The song makes a good point
Arguably the best thing to do if you're trying to play jazz is not to try to be an expert, just to learn enough that you can improvise interesting but enjoyable melodies. If you learn too much your playing becomes too thought-out; too much head and too little heart. And for those reasons, even though he is a far better piano player than I will ever be, Brad Mehldau can fuck right off.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 16:05, Reply)
that's my view
sort of how my band works too. We know enough to play interesting stuff, but the loose structure of things means we can write songs very fast, and it stays fresh and enjoyable.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 16:14, Reply)
I think the most important thing is to keep the 'feel' in the music
Our guitarist has studiously learnt umpteen million different techniques, and could probably shred over our stuff if he wanted to, but has thankfully recognised that more mellow, melodic blues playing fits a hell of a lot better.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 16:21, Reply)
I do like jazz
And his grossly overscatted version of St James' Infirmary has turned my opinion against him somewhat.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:39, Reply)
apparantly I fail at jazz
since I don't like Louis Armstrong's vocal style when he sings that
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:55, Reply)
Really? I adore his version.
Certainly has much more soul that Calloway's version. (And infinitely more than the version recorded by Tom Jones and Jools Holland)
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:58, Reply)
Tom Jones doesn't even come close
I love the sound of the Louis Armstrong version, but something about the vocals feels wrong
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 16:11, Reply)
The mood of his version is perfect.
But I can see why the vocal might not be to everyone's taste. I guess it's a similar issue to Tom Waits' ballads - the vocal style is quite jarring, but works really well if you can get into it.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 16:15, Reply)

d p
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:57, Reply)
You truly are the queen of scat.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:02, Reply)
I haven't checked the latest in your filmography
But I'm going to assume that double anal is pretty standard, as is double fisting. Maybe go up to triple anal fisting?
Seen it, yes it's possible.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:52, Reply)
You mean you didn't recognise me in that film.
That was when I was starting out.
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:52, Reply)
The one I saw
Was a guy, in basque and stockings and a very unconvincing wig, having two german dominatrixes push three fists inside him.

If that was you, then sorry about the wig comment, and may I comment on how rubbery your clit looked waggling away down there.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:55, Reply)
Monty doesn't like it when I let it swing free
I tuck it up, generally.
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:57, Reply)
'does it hang low
does it wobble to and fro, can you tie it in a knot, can you tie it in a bow?'

Oops meant as an edit. Original song anyone?
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:58, Reply)
Also
Testicles, or bulbous *ahem* labia majora?
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:58, Reply)
Like elephant ears
I can occasionally use them as a fur-lined scarf.
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 14:59, Reply)
Oh now I've definitely seen your work

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:01, Reply)
AND YOU LOVED IT

(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:02, Reply)
I have to be in the mood for it though, y'know?
Some days I just want a bit of lezzer action, other days I just can't be sated without some ultra-hardcore anal-legging. So, for those other days, I thank you.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:06, Reply)
I was classifying some images
yesterday of some hardcore "footing".

I've got an image of a rather large toy too, I'll upload it for you!
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:08, Reply)
classifying images?
Sounds a lot like what I do most weeks... what for?
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:09, Reply)

www.recon.com

Isss where I work esse.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:18, Reply)
Right click-open in new tab
*sees the title and hastily closes tab*
Gotcha!
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:19, Reply)
What was the title?

(PsychoChomp, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:24, Reply)
"Recon - photo profiles for gay men"

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:25, Reply)
Might be an idea to label that NSFW

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:28, Reply)
Can't blame the boy.
If that's where he works then to his mind, there must be little that is not SFW.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:38, Reply)
I now have visions of you
folding up your ladyflaps to use as ear muffs. I think my brain is broken...
(berk, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:08, Reply)
;)

(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:09, Reply)
Like a sweaty deerstalker

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:09, Reply)
Exactly so
Not so much sweaty as just...moist, though.
(berk, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:10, Reply)
Good moist
Or Bad moist?
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:11, Reply)
I don't know, you'd have to ask Lampers!

(berk, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:28, Reply)
That is magnificent.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:24, Reply)
Dear Lampito
Armpit fucking or 'bagpiping' as it is known in the industry is a growing niche market. Now could be a good time to branch out rather than ruining your anal lining in the longrun.
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:43, Reply)
Dear Wormulus
Ever since my internet girlfriend got an anal piercing - three in fact - I have been unable to sustain an erection except by standing on my head while listening to the Jesus and Mary Chain. She lives 500 miles away and I have never met her. Should I apply for a divorce and become a hermit in the park who shouts at gingers?
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 17:47, Reply)

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