Never mind what Heather from Eastenders is checking Craigslist for, write me some /offtopic slashfic starring Bert and WBM.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:24, 96 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

"Oh my!" Exclamed WBM
"What a massive rod you have"
"Get on your knees and call me brother" Barked Bert
*explicit scene*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:28, Reply)

Golden opportunity to have a cat being thrown out of a window as part of foreplay missed here.
5/10
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:29, Reply)

"But I CAN be your brother" cried WBM,
"just give me time to dream up deeply personal but clinically accurate details of the life I might have led up until this point, and if I put this paper bag over my head you might actually believe you're boning another sibling."
"I'd rather you didn't remind me," said Bert, through gritted teeth, "that by doing this, I'm cheating on my sister."
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:30, Reply)

'But I can DO anything for you' exclaimed WBM
'I'll kill relatives, move to the US, ANYTHING'
'Really?' mused Bert, his glance briefly alighting upon WBM's elderly tabby cat, dozing by the window, feeling a familiar stirring in his loins 'ANYTHING?'
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:33, Reply)

WBM tugged on the crusty curtains
until she spied the window catch. Holding The Cat Formally Know As The Poster Formally Know As Ilikefish, she hesitated
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:40, Reply)

"What are you waiting for?" he asked, breathlessly,
"I also have a...mortgage that needs paying..."
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:41, Reply)

*snort*

(berk, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:34, Reply)

I'm bored of them two, pick someone else.
b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post879276
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:32, Reply)

"Come back to bed", yelled Wicca from the previous room, "I _need_ you" she exclaimed.
"TEN MINUTES" badger yelled back, he was enthralled, he had found an inaccreate story on the internet. "This can't be true, it doesn't even make sense" he said to no one inparticular. It was then the door opened and he saw wicca standing there in a La Senza thong, made from sevrel normal sized ones dazzy chained together, "Come here, big boy, mama needs a servicing, I've just taken a massive amount of drugs and ran over a school bully in my honda accord", he grinned and turned, "Before we start, do you remember the safety word?" and with that she confirmed a lie; that she knew those words that would stop what was about to follow. She didn't want to know, she didn't want it to stop.

With that, he walked into the bedroom and started the first game of the night. "Hello Sis", he said to her, "Oh high berty big bollocks, how are you doing, my very deeply cared for brother?". "I'm fine thanks, let's engage in sexual activities". What followed ended with a scream of "DAMN YOU JERMY KYLE ! I AM IN THE NOUGHT POINT NOUGHT NOUGHT NOUGHT PERCENTILE".
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:07, Reply)

Sorry, I got distracted half way through and got bored so decided to finish it before we got to WMB.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:07, Reply)

"Woe is me!" emo'd WBM
"All my friends and pets have died in increasingly bizarre and questionable ways"
"I'm on the sex offenders register" cried out all of Bert's user accounts in unison, "so that must mean I'm good at sex, right?"
"stick this fishing rod up my fanny (I'm American, I mean 'ass') while you do me with your incestcock" whined WBM
*explicit scene*
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:33, Reply)

She's not properly american, she's originally from the north west.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:35, Reply)

FOR SHAME, she's letting the side down

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:38, Reply)

Said the woman who's fucked Sexface.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:38, Reply)

You fuck one person one person once in one bunk bed...

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:40, Reply)

You do one anal porn scene

(Bazongaloid, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:43, Reply)

You do smack once...

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:44, Reply)

You fuck your sister, not even your real sister but your half sister, just once..

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:45, Reply)

THAT WASN'T ME OK

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:45, Reply)

Whatever Bert

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:46, Reply)

I don't even have 3 long lost half sisters :(

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:47, Reply)

You're caught with one duck, a roll of gaffa tape, an egg whisk and a copy of Jean Claude Van Damme's Timecop on DVD...
And suddenly you've got to wear an ankle tag and can't go back to the zoo ever again. I ask you...
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:50, Reply)

You get caught wanking outside ONE dormitory window...

(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:45, Reply)

You end up on the sex offenders register, not the proper one mind, just the minor one, for people who can't keep their dicks out of their siblings, not the one for people who can't keep their dicks out of children

(Bazongaloid, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:46, Reply)

*snort*
Have you read his "meeting the sisters for the first time" post? The one where he's 28 and his middle sister is, if i remember right, 15?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:51, Reply)

Oh god, no wonder he was put on the register

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:52, Reply)

OH SHIT, 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13?!
b3ta.com/questions/phobias/post139194
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:53, Reply)

Oh my, even worse than I thought.
Go Bert!
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:55, Reply)

Sweet titty-fucking christ
How long after this did he...oh God.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:56, Reply)

What an epic nonce.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:52, Reply)

... ... ...
oh, that takes some of the humour out of it.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:53, Reply)

Seriously?
That's not the one he fucked though, right?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:53, Reply)

I'm pretty sure he specified the middle one.
The oldest would still have been underage, mind.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:55, Reply)

Here we are:
Well now, let me see
My older brother is a violent, wife-beating, lying fuckwit.
My oldest younger half sister is an evil, manipulative, vindictive new Mum
My oldest younger half brother is an annoying little manchild
my oldest younger half sister by my real dad is an intelligent, if somewhat warped individual
the middle half sister by my real dad is an intelligent, if somewhat warped individual who was also really good in bed
the youngest seemed like quite a cute, clever little thing last time I saw her.
and my youngest half brother by my mum is pretty spoilt, but he's alright.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:57, Reply)

Are we supposed to put them in order of fuckabilty?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:58, Reply)

That's the beauty of gas.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:34, Reply)

I love you for your knowledge of jingles

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:46, Reply)

What?

(Bazongaloid, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:03, Reply)

MIDDLE CHILD
EVEN IF HE FUCKED HER 2 YEARS AFTER THEY MET SHE WOUlD HAVE BEEN 15
13?!??!?!?!??!
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:56, Reply)

I really thought everyone had twigged to this already.
Oops.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:58, Reply)

I just didn't want to think about it, to be honest

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:59, Reply)

I hadn't remembered the post you linked
And I don't think I fully caught when he admitted incest.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:59, Reply)

I think the ones who were about when it was first posted
Twigged. The new ones just hear and accept it as the stuff of legend. Strange, perverted legend.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:00, Reply)

I think it goes beyond peverse.
Exploitative and criminal seems to fit.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:02, Reply)

Perhaps more fitting, yes

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:07, Reply)

=S
I'm not sure if I like taking the piss out of it anymore now =S

Oh well, half the sister, half the age, that's the rules, right?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:24, Reply)

hahahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:35, Reply)

When I kept calling him a nonce I DID mean it, you know.
Do keep up, chums.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:35, Reply)

Hence 'her' stressing of it in my prose

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:38, Reply)

or so she claims.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:38, Reply)

I thought she was a Danish surgeon with a military pilot's licence?

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:39, Reply)

Pulsing like a balloon animal crammed with deranged arachnids,
Bert's turgid member swelled from the rent in his dress like a leprotic dolphin struggling to escape the polluted waters of some horrible sea. Fluids foamed and burbled from nearly every part of the raw shaft except the tip. WBM tore off her bra, revealing breasts like condoms full of stilton, and in a single motion he swallowed the offending item of underwear. As he did so it seemed his throbbing crotch-gristle gained another cubit in length, and after poking around for a short half an hour he located the fold that contained her vagina. As he pounded away she hissed and spluttered toothlessly in his ear "Call me Roger".

_{Edit - adapted from a much longer but now barely-remembered piece I once wrote that continued far more bizarrely and very much in the style of the first sentence, and made one person throw up upon reading it. Literally throw up. This is only a shadow of its true glory}
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:38, Reply)

Oh NOW.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:39, Reply)

Oh NOW NOW, sing this corrosion to me...

(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:41, Reply)

I always wondered about the line...
"Gimme the ring."
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:59, Reply)

Me too.
I just figured it was cause they were, as they claimed, 'pissed and old'.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:02, Reply)

That is fucking disgusting
Bravo!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:40, Reply)

It was once a lot worse...

(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:42, Reply)

*The scene*
WMB - dressed as Princess Leia
Bert - Skywalker

Han Solo says on the Forest Moon of something or another says to WBM 'I don't think Bert was on that thing when it blew'. WBM replies 'No, he wasn't'

Solo continues 'You love him don't you?' WBM confirms she does. Solo offers to fuck off out of the way if that'll make things easier.

WMB says 'But Bert is my brother!'

Solo packs bags and flys off with the Wookie, leaving the brother/sister combo to get it on. Again.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:38, Reply)

the +e
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:42, Reply)

And you.
Although points for spelling it right.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:43, Reply)

And me?
Oh, piss off. I see.
:(
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:46, Reply)

I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN IT, PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
Not the face again, please.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:54, Reply)

SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FAT CUNT
so that's insults and punching...what was the third one again?
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:58, Reply)

Going for the triple crown, are we?

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:59, Reply)

;)

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:02, Reply)

Ok NOW I'm scared.
*winks*
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:08, Reply)

Piss off.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:43, Reply)

*sad face*

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:44, Reply)

Endor.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:53, Reply)

"Watch while I rub this kitten all over my quim," bellowed WBM
Bert shook uncontrollably as lust creeped through his veins, "Harder, please" he whispered
"Oh yes," she cried out as her hairy legs quivered with passion. "Touch me," she grunted as she tossed the cat through the window.
He lunged at her like a mad man, arms flailing, cock wibbling.
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:41, Reply)

hahahaha

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:42, Reply)

"It's time to go fishing" he screamed

(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:47, Reply)

He dipped his pole in her gushing river of love

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:58, Reply)

Gently squeezing the thrashing bass, she held its gaping mouth toward him.
"I've fallen to the communists, but this smells nearly the same" she breathed. "I've even taken the hook out."
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:00, Reply)

"So warm, so warm, I could swim through the valley of your thighs for days" he says as he shudders his release into her, mixing their juices in her honey pot.

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:03, Reply)

It's the word "wibbling" that really makes this post so magnificent

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:47, Reply)

I'm so wet right now

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:48, Reply)

/ac

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:53, Reply)

Surprisingly not.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:58, Reply)

WBM's massive member throbbed with an incestual urgency as
Bert fingered his own bum with gun oil.

Her balls were like six shooters, clacking about in her fake sack. and highly unstable.

There was a cat.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:48, Reply)

This is poetic in a very odd way. Congratulations.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:49, Reply)

I got the genders the wrong way round.

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:50, Reply)

We've all been there dude.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:51, Reply)

POTD

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:04, Reply)

i have to query the point of this
when the real thing was so much worse than even anyone here could ever produce
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 16:58, Reply)

'Work bores you?'
Normal healthy relationships bore me, said TheCatHater languidly as he tossed a startled Manx through what the French so charmingly call a fenetre.

His twisted genetic disease-ridden incest-claws scrabbled beneath his Primark kilt in fruitless search for his malformed cock, which had, in revulsion at its own ungodly practices, retreated into his bloated thorax, along with his once-pendulous testes. His electronic tag was itching, he half-thought to himself as he let his diseased mind wander back to ‘that day’.

A chill Easterly wind had blown through Dorking that fateful afternoon – bending his elephantine ears capriciously this way and that, and sending his sporran into a spasmodic dance like a hanged man.

‘ThePope, this….is your sister’ said his father (who was also his brother).

Bert’s micropenis struggled sluggishly like a bee in the last days of summer. He embraced her, whispered ‘Awooga’ in her ear then leaned over and patted her on the fanny.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:01, Reply)

*****
five stars x
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:02, Reply)

This whole thing is getting increasingly weirder.

(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:04, Reply)

'Unputdownable'
Paul Ross, New of the World
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:05, Reply)

POTD

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:07, Reply)

'Too sticky to let go of.'
Paul Ross, News Of The World, Clarifications & Apologies section
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 17:08, Reply)

IT'S TV'S PAUL ROSS YOU QUIM
Not just 'Paul Ross'.

I expected better of you Boyce, I really rather did.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 20:38, Reply)

WBM gasped with horror as Bert unzipped his flies, revealing the monster within.

"What the FUCK is that horrible, hairy little thing?!" she cried in horror.

"Aaaah, ma chere soeur-en-disguise" Bert whimpered, "it is not a thing, it is my favorite kitten. Please, treat it with the respect you would show to all living creatures. And then nosh me like you'd nosh a tasty courgette."

"EEEEEEEEEEEEK!" squealed WMB; she took a firm grasp of the offending feline, tugging it quickly out of Bert's trousers, scattering crusty spunk all over her condo, and with a speed born of practise flung it at the window. There was a thunk and a short, mournful squeak. "Perhaps I should have opened the window" mused WBM, as she settled to her knees and started chewing on Bert's rubbery scrotum.

TO BE CONTINUED...?
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 21:30, Reply)

*yawn*

(nolongernuts, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 7:11, Reply)

Really? Apathy? Is that what this does?
Personally, this kind of shit would tear me up if it were about me. Yet you keep coming back. What drives that? Do you like the attention? Or the pain? Cos all attention is good attention, right? Little ego strokes. Carrot or stick, it doesn't matter.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 7:32, Reply)