Greater Manchester Police are Tweeting every call they get over the next 24 hours
www.gmp.police.uk/ or presumably if you're a twit (twat?) you can use the #gmp24 tag thingy.

e.g. youths causing annoyance in Hyde. Caller suspects they're using cannabis.

Is this just encouraging absurdist calls? What would you call in with?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:48, 126 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I've just been reading that
most of them are pretty boring and any of the interesting ones don't have any follow up.

I wouldn't have thought it would encourage prank calls, although if it did it might just highlight to people how many prank calls the police get.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:50, Reply)

Help my giraffe is on fire.

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:50, Reply)

You can't leave that lion there.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:51, Reply)

what are you gnu do about it?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:52, Reply)

You have the kite to remain silent.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:56, Reply)

But anything you dodo say will be taken down and ray be used as evidence

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:59, Reply)

Do ewe understand?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:01, Reply)

STOP NOW!!!

( girlinthehole, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:02, Reply)

*looks sheepish*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:05, Reply)

you have the mite to a lawyer

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:05, Reply)

You'll never cat me!

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:06, Reply)

You're gibbon down you slag!

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:10, Reply)

Camel long to the station, sir

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:28, Reply)

Yours too?
Blimey, it's happening everywhere.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:51, Reply)

Someone's beheaded a pimp
Assistance not required.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:52, Reply)

Why are they tweeting them anyway?

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:52, Reply)

to raise, like, awareness and shit innit

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:00, Reply)

Bogus caller in Stockport
My money is on it being either Bill or Ted.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:53, Reply)

hahahah excellent

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:57, Reply)

I'm disappointed at the lack of 'Fuck all going on in Macclesfield' posts

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:54, Reply)

They thought it through badly - they have had to set up multiple twitter accounts as they keep overloading.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:54, Reply)

call 1118 request from ambulance service to help gain entry to a property
Because all Paramedics are locksmiths?

You learn something new everyday.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:55, Reply)

I'm in the bath and I have a toe stuck in the tap.
Please send fireman.
( girlinthehole, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:56, Reply)

How many different tap fittings did you have to try in B&Q
Before you found one you could get a toe stuck in?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:57, Reply)

Two
Luckily I have small toes.
( girlinthehole, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:59, Reply)

toe bus the tap my anal passage.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:57, Reply)

Surely you don't need a fireman
So much as the Greater Manchester Transport Authority?
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:58, Reply)

It would be more amusing if it was the
Number 2 service.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:00, Reply)

So your previous libido reduction post doesn't stretch to men in uniform?
And yellow helmets of course.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:00, Reply)

It still stands.
This is just forum banter.
( girlinthehole, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:01, Reply)

Fanny batter even.

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:06, Reply)

"I like breasts."

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:58, Reply)

Oh man, you too?

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:03, Reply)

seems to be a plague :(

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:04, Reply)

'breasts' and 'plague' must never be used in the same subthread.
Why would you spoil it for us Amberl, WHY?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:08, Reply)

Haha!

( girlinthehole, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:11, Reply)

How about if it was a biblical style plague?
Breasts everywhere...
(berk, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:11, Reply)

I would become a believer

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:13, Reply)

"Then I saw her norks..."

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:14, Reply)

Saw her minge
no doubt in my mind
(berk, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:15, Reply)

I wasn't that drunk!

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:25, Reply)

I don't think I've ever been drunk enough to get my mi...
oh no wait, yes I have.
(berk, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:25, Reply)

*gets another round in*

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:30, Reply)

I may get lairy and very, erm - friendly - at the bash
but I can promise you now I am staying clothed!
(berk, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:36, Reply)

I'm just focussing on not passing out
Anything else is a plus. I get louder when drunk but not particularly exhibitionistic - I suspect that's a girl thing.

Possibly because girls get encouraged when they flash and men don't.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:39, Reply)

Lairy? you're not another punchy one are you?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:40, Reply)

Not unless you REALLY piss me off
by lairy I simply mean loud and crude(er) than normal.
(berk, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:47, Reply)

I'm going to have to bring a gum shield.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:51, Reply)

I suggest a stunt double.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:53, Reply)

I haven't met Lampito
but I'm definitely not as bad as I've heard she is...
(berk, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:54, Reply)

Lampito's alright
She didn't hit me or anything when I met her
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:56, Reply)

she hasn't hit me either

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 15:03, Reply)

I'm sure she's lovely
and that Chompy is just very punchable.
(berk, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 15:09, Reply)

Just don't piss her off in any way, you'll be fine
Just don't deny her chicken nuggets
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:58, Reply)

What bash is this?
Is it a secret?
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:40, Reply)

It's on the calendar 22nd.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:42, Reply)

I see, London

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:45, Reply)

I think a rain of breasts would probably make me believe, too
although in what, I'm not quite sure... Probably not the continued accuracy of the meteorological forecast.
(berk, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:14, Reply)

It would make me believe that there'd been an explosion at the surgery on mastectomy day

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:21, Reply)

I have actually seen
an excavated boob, if you will, when I did work experience at a pathology lab. Surreal.
(berk, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:26, Reply)

Lovely!
I imagine it would hurt if one fell from't sky onto your head.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:29, Reply)

Depends on the size of the boob, I suppose
they're more squidgy than you might think. Mine probably wouldn't do a great deal of damage!
(berk, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:34, Reply)

they are quite weighty though
it'd do some damage.

a bag full of water dropped from sufficient height will fuck something up pretty badly.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:46, Reply)

Exactly
Also, you have to factor in whether or not there'd be a burst. If not, the impact would surely be harder.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:50, Reply)

Model dat shit!

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 15:03, Reply)

pure evil Noel
pure evil
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:12, Reply)

Hell yeah!
We should tell the Greater Manchester Police Force about this growing trend.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:04, Reply)

"Help! I've been assaulted...
I'm currently pinned against a brick wall by the assailant's car...I think it's a Honda...he has punched me in the face, more than once...please send help."
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:01, Reply)

"some coloured fella causing a scene in the street"
"request CCTV blackout and a van of badge-less riot cops with their best justice sticks"
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:02, Reply)

"justice sticks"
hello new name for my penis!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:05, Reply)

I hope you don't have to pluralise it

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:07, Reply)

to the curtains.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:46, Reply)

"He is clearly flouting the law
by his possession of dark, densely curled hair and thick, red lips."
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:05, Reply)

Constable Savage?
Wearing a loud shirt in a built-up area.
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:08, Reply)

I believe he was also seen loitering with intent to use a pedestrian crossing
whilst smelling of foreign food.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:10, Reply)

Vile pikey spotted doing the 'monkey-walk' in Wythenshawe.
He is suspected of wearing offensive Burberry.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:05, Reply)

This is an actual one.
If it's you, we might let you off :-)

Humour meh.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:06, Reply)

"Hello, I'd like to report a suspected case of identity theft.
I've seen a young male in the city centre swaggering around in a grubby parka...I think he is trying to fool people into believing he is Liam Gallagher."
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:07, Reply)

Is he walking about in the
Suuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeee?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:08, Reply)

'Doo Doo Doo, Dah Dah Dah':
You, there, with your gibberish classic

The time is 4.47am...'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:07, Reply)

Monty has a police record!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:07, Reply)

'Ello Monty.
How's it gwan?
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:12, Reply)

I am ‘wakaaaad’, as Smiley Culture said in his classic ‘Cockney Translation’. You?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:16, Reply)

They should tweet the shit that police officers come out with - the FUCKING CUNTS - including the one who told me to "fuck off and have a fit on the pavement" when I though I was going to have a seizure.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:15, Reply)

ACAB.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:24, Reply)

Yes. Most of them are horrendously thick as well.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:30, Reply)

There's not many groups of people I can say this about, in fact besides the old bill there are none, but I genuinely, genuinely wish death on every last one of them.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:34, Reply)

Their attitude overall is appalling. I have been in situations when volunteering with the homeless that they have completely fucked up - once I needed one to assist a GP in having someone taken to a secure mental health unit. They turned up with 2 vans full of coppers - complete over-reaction which made the situation so much worse - the GP was furious.

It's the language they use which annoys the fuck out of me too - it seems they can't say "you" they have to say "yourself", "proceeding" instead of "going" etc.

And most of them are crooks - I know of at least one person who gets his bugle from a member of CID.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:48, Reply)

I think it was Oscar Wilde who said
There is no situation so bad that the presence of police officers can't make it worse. or somethin.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:58, Reply)

Ouch
that's cold
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:26, Reply)

the jade monkey moves at midnight
or something obscure.

i've only ever called the police once, i got to call 999 when the restaurant next door to my estate agency went up in flames.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:17, Reply)

Erm, 888?

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:18, Reply)

The number for the emergency baguette delivery service.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:19, Reply)

That's the special number they give to lawyers.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:20, Reply)

she's no good with numbers

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:21, Reply)

Subtitles

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:23, Reply)

i have NO IDEA
what you are talking about...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:30, Reply)

First ever example of a Lawyer rounding down.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:41, Reply)

wow i got a capital L and everything
i feel very special now.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:56, Reply)

it's pronounced Liar

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 15:00, Reply)

oh yay
you haven't taken the piss out of me for at least 24 hours...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 15:01, Reply)

I find that hurtful
I'm sure I was calling you crude about 23 hours ago
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 15:05, Reply)

Call 782 - report of police force desperately trying to avoid having their budget cut.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:24, Reply)

I wish I worked in Manchester
as I have just been threatened with a hatchet to the ankles if I keep tapping my feet. Unfortunately I have a very foot-tappable tune stuck in my head, so I'm going to have to stay alert all afternoon.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:26, Reply)

I'll need to be "on my toes" then
FFS do I have to do everything around here?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:36, Reply)

I have just had a letter from the tax man informing me I have overpaid my taxes last year.
Now I have £1892 winging it's way back to me. Woohoo! I will go snowboarding this christmas.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:47, Reply)

No spend it at the bash on the rest of us.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:49, Reply)

Not coming to this one dude.
Will be at the Bristol one in December then whichever one Darth is gonna go to next year.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:51, Reply)

I didn't say you needed to attend. Just put £500 behind the bar.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:52, Reply)

I'm a student you have your own business. Buy me a pot noodle and some a4 paper.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:53, Reply)

The "I'm a student" line doesn't work when you're dad is paying your fees. Now put the money behind the bar and we'll pretend we like you.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:54, Reply)

Fat chance, I'm gonna spend it on cake now!

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:56, Reply)

chance, I'm ty bombatty
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 15:00, Reply)

that's snow surfing
I thought fat people didn't surf?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:50, Reply)

Gravity is my friend on hills.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:51, Reply)

Adds 1 to the Bob friend count.
Total now 1.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:52, Reply)

ha ha

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:56, Reply)

A smarter man may take offence at this level of hostility.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:59, Reply)

Good answer!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 15:02, Reply)

Which is why you'll never take offence.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 15:03, Reply)

It's only the internet, I have real people who hate me who I actually have to see.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 15:06, Reply)

this one is the funniest by far
"Report of man holding baby over bridge - police immediately attended and it was man carrying dog that doesn't like bridge"
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:48, Reply)

ha ha ha
I'm not surprised.

We all know that dogs play poker not bridge.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:51, Reply)

A likely story
I reckon he had just chucked the baby over the edge and was about to chuck the dog when the cops turned up.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 14:55, Reply)

Call to Ryders Greengrocers to deal with an alleged fruit abuse incident.
The proprietor alleged that a customer had been "twisting my melon, man" and therefore diecided to "call the cops".
(Cave Duck, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 15:20, Reply)

*does the Bez dance*

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 15:26, Reply)