First the feeder in Greggs...
On Wednesday after work I bumped into the guy who cleans our office. He appologised for always knocking my photo of baby crackface out of place, which doesn't bother me in the slightest, and I told him not too worry about it.

I wasn't in work yesterday.

Today there was a toffee crisp on my desk with his business card on top.

Do I really look that fat and/or hungry? :(
( Captain V, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 8:44, 115 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Yes, and yes.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 8:44, Reply)

Aw how lovely of him.

( girlinthehole, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 8:49, Reply)

maybe he thought that given you have a newborn, you might like someone to come clean your house so you can have a break?

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 29 Oct 2010, 8:49, Reply)

We have family (slave labour) for that

( Captain V, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 8:52, Reply)

oh. I knew that. *nods*

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 29 Oct 2010, 8:55, Reply)

Your soon to be wife is not slave labour
and I think your ought to learn that before she rips your arms off.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:08, Reply)

she did sound a mite irritated

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:09, Reply)

That's probably his way of telling you he's pregnant

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 8:49, Reply)

All these maintenance payments are gunna kill me :(

( Captain V, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 8:50, Reply)

I reckon it was a come-on

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 8:50, Reply)

Totally this

(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:05, Reply)

'Give me a call
and I'll crisp your toffee'
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:09, Reply)

It's his way of telling you he has been knocking the photo over with his cock

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 8:53, Reply)

Why a toffee crisp?
He should have chosen a less controvertial snack.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:05, Reply)

how is toffee crisp controversial?

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:08, Reply)

I don't like them.
You can get about 5 better bars for the same vending machine price.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:08, Reply)

what would you have recommended?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:10, Reply)

Double Decker
or a raison and biscuit Yorkie
(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:12, Reply)

Mars bar, Aero
the list is literally endless
(PsychoChomp, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:13, Reply)

It's not literally endless is it
there are only a finite number of choccie bar brands, and some of them aren't as good as toffee crisps.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:15, Reply)

I put it in itallics for a reason mong head.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:15, Reply)

I hate the word choccie.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:41, Reply)

choccie iz nyom

(PsychoChomp, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:43, Reply)

I hate the Psychochomp.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:51, Reply)

both far more controversial than a Toffee Crisp
a Mars bar is a safer bet, but wouldn't have worked on me. I don't care for them.

Something like an Aero or Wispa is probably the best safe choice.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:15, Reply)

MILKY BAR!

(PsychoChomp, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:16, Reply)

He's not an 8 year old child
although, he is about the same height.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:18, Reply)

So you're saying if I left a milky bar on your desk
you'd refuse to eat it because you're too mature?
(PsychoChomp, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:21, Reply)

No, but I would think that you were a predatory peado
who had mistaken me for a child.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:23, Reply)

Even if you were a child
and I a predatory peado, I still wouldn't fancy you.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:24, Reply)

of course he wouldn't
if you left the milky bar kid on his desk he'd eat that. It's Al ffs!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:24, Reply)

and the horse.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:25, Reply)

he would certainly have a gobble of the horse

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:26, Reply)

just because you don't like it doesn't make it controversial
I don't like Picnics.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:20, Reply)

he had a good point
it's not a guaranteed success.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:20, Reply)

It is when you've found numerous toffee crisp wrappers in the bin...
...week after week
( Captain V, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:24, Reply)

hahaha
the cleaner is trying to seduce you after having been through your bin
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:26, Reply)

hahahahaha
is your cleaner Psychochomp?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:30, Reply)

You shouldn't be mocking someone that could possibly have been through your bin kitty.
Think of the things they'd know.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:41, Reply)

I live in a block of flats
it's not just my bin and your powers of deduction aren't great.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:52, Reply)

depends what he's going for
maybe he was testing Captain's V's gracious gift taking abilities before he produced the real gift.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:30, Reply)

I never understood why people have family pics at work.
I always think that I'll remember what they look like during the course of the day, if needed.

Am I just cold?
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:13, Reply)

I like the seinfeld joke about that
the guy is leaving the office going "Right, lets score some crack and get some hookers", then notices the photos and goes "Oh shit, I've got a wife and family, I'd better just go home"
(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:14, Reply)

Work is sickeningly shit
It's most welcome to have a reminder now and then that it's keeping me away from both sick and shit.
( Captain V, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:21, Reply)

No, it made me laugh.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:30, Reply)

my office manager has a picture of her baby as her desktop background
I have a cartoon saying "I HATE YOU" because people keep stealing my PC when I'm out of the office.

I might put one of my rabid rat up instead.

EDIT: please note, genuine ratty rat, not my fadge.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:31, Reply)

Too early for such crudeness
Shame on you Kitty.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:37, Reply)

It was pre-emptive!

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:41, Reply)

your gutted rabbit, you say?
I have a version of the Kitchener posters as wallpaper, saying "BRITONS - YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU to stop being so utterly pathetic about absolutely everything"

My second screen wallpaper for lecturing projectors is an upside down baby seal with "You're doing it wrong" written on it. I'm not sure any student has worked out the implicit criticism yet.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:43, Reply)

I have pictures of my cats
and that's it.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:41, Reply)

Oh dear.
There was a woman who used to work in my office who had pictures of her cats. All the stories she told were about her cats. Usually complete with kitty cat impressions.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:42, Reply)

Fuck you
I love my cats. They're better than most people.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:47, Reply)

no.
no they aren't.

at least not for any conventional sense of the word "better"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:49, Reply)

They're better to hug, better to stroke,
smell nicer, and cost less to feed.

What's not better about that?
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:51, Reply)

people who love their cats more than people
are massively lame. I agree that a lot of people suck, but if you're one of those people who has pictures of their cats at work and talks about them all the time, you are one of the people who suck.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:53, Reply)

None of those things
are criteria upon which you should be assessing people, unless you are very disturbing.

So not in any sense better. Different.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:57, Reply)

I'd like to make it clear
that I am in no way having a good look at the photos of Applebite pole dancing that Kitty has just posted on Facebook.

And you definitely can't almost see her vagina.

And She is totally empowered by all this.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:13, Reply)

Could you see the teeth?

( girlinthehole, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:15, Reply)

There was a very thing strip of material covering them
errrr, I mean, I have no idea if there was a thin strip of material or not, I really don't.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:18, Reply)

This is the first time I've missed facebook
It has also reminded me that TGB, Clendrix and Lusty wouldn't let me put my head in the middle of their boob fest last Friday.

I had to settle for CHCB and got squirted in the face :(
( Captain V, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:19, Reply)

At least you got a free drink out of it

(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:22, Reply)

Photographic evidence shows you have form

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 11:13, Reply)

oh leave her alone!

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:21, Reply)

I haven't done anything to her?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:23, Reply)

I have a feeling she'll be emo today
have a look at her 3am post last night.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:23, Reply)

I liked rogerthebatshitdullard's reply
fucking spastic.

I suspect that she changed persona because she couldn't continue hiding the fact that not only is she dull as fuck she's got a mean streak.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:25, Reply)

I think the fact that she killed a member of her own family
and threw a cat through a window indicated a pretty mean streak was present all along.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:27, Reply)

not too mention punching out those three guys
at a sporting event.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:29, Reply)

And monging up that soldier's hand
Oh, sorry, wrong pathological liar.
OR IS IT?!
No, they're different. Probably.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:40, Reply)

I pointed out
that 3 in the morning generally precludes answers. Only reason I was around is being up sick.

^Al's reply sums it up really
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:29, Reply)

Drunk sick
or ill sick, also, what the hell is Medieval Masculinities? Is that some young person name for spunk?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:30, Reply)

ill sick
Medieval Masculinities is the complementary study to the gender issues of medieval times. It focuses on masculine roles and the way they were imposed by society.

And fucking loads of medieval medicine. Weirdos
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:32, Reply)

You're a veritable plague bearer at the moment aren't you.
I hope you didn't infect me with anything the other week.

Get well soon. Maybe you could try some leaches?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:34, Reply)

I infected you with the Black Death
luckily I'm only a carrier.

They didn't use leeches. Just a lot of nonsense about the four humours and why women are rubbish
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:36, Reply)

So they were right about some things then

(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:37, Reply)

The doctor would drink your piss to diagnose wouldn't he?

(PsychoChomp, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:38, Reply)

that's slightly later
than the time period I study, but yeah. Oddly enough it did work for a couple of illnesses like diabetes.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:39, Reply)

I reckon that was more luck than judgement.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:40, Reply)

I understand they lived before
all sorts of conveniences but they were still morons. How difficult is it when dissecting somebody to notice that the organs are fixed into place, and that it is quite difficult to be suffocated by a floating womb?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:42, Reply)

personal choice i reckon

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:42, Reply)

For people like you

(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:43, Reply)

you are correct
london is strewn with queues (specially for monty) of men just begging for that golden stream to bathe their tonsils
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:44, Reply)

Than Q very much.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:45, Reply)

this
was very sharp, i applaud you
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:50, Reply)

I'm not having any trouble picturing you
legs apart, leaning backwards, a semicircle of tramps kneeling in front of you, unleashing a torrent of steaming piss over there faces.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:46, Reply)

shame you are having more trouble with your grammar old boy
the thought has steamed up your brain
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:49, Reply)

It was a Larper's cock.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:33, Reply)

You've got a larpers cock

(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:37, Reply)

Your face has got a larper's cock

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:43, Reply)

Your mums got a larpers cock
and she wipes it on your face at night
(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:48, Reply)

Your cock's got a Larper's face
It screams faux Medieval nonsense when you ejaculate.
"Verily I am sowing my seed twixt thy folds, m'lady!"
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:53, Reply)

The fact she's still reading here is worrying.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:32, Reply)

yeah mental people tend to not obsess about things like this.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:34, Reply)

it makes me wonder how many other mental people read our every word

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:37, Reply)

With my trousers off

( Captain V, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:38, Reply)

and a baby on your lap

(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:39, Reply)

at least we've met him
he has real reason for his obsession.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:41, Reply)

It's true
Many people become obsessed with me after they met me, just look at DiT.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:44, Reply)

it's understandable
I've already prepared myself to become obsessed with you
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:59, Reply)

You do realise she is trying to work out were we all live
and then she's going to fly back to the UK with the corpse of her dead mother in a golf club bag, go round to each of our houses in turn, tie us up, torture us and then make us apologise to her mother and give her a kiss before finally killing us.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:37, Reply)

this sounds like the plot of a screenplay

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:43, Reply)

It's my plan for the weekend
I'll see you about 10am on sunday.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:44, Reply)

can we make it after lunch, I plan to be hungover.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:54, Reply)

*is out of the loop* =/
I really should spend more time on b3ta. It's the only place "gossip" is actually interesting.
( Captain V, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:37, Reply)

Workboresme/rogerthestarfish/batshitmentalist
went properly Bert insane and invented a new meat puppet with a whole second life, including a fiance and a penis. And then got cross with Roota when she sussed her out.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:40, Reply)

The proper term
Is 'to have a Bertdown'.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:41, Reply)

An 'epic Bertdown' (c) TGB

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:44, Reply)

Such a good phrase

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:45, Reply)

Oh
I thought we were talking about Applebite. I read...

"I liked rogerthebatshitdullard's reply
fucking spastic.

I suspect that she changed persona because she couldn't continue hiding the fact that not only is she dull as fuck she's got a mean streak."

...as two independent sentences.
( Captain V, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:43, Reply)

We are
Applebite's a boring psycho.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:45, Reply)

If applebite was batshitmentalist pretending to be a bloke
Who did I meet at the bash?! And who's vag is Al peeking at?!
( Captain V, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:47, Reply)

It's not a vag
it's a gutted fish stuck in a fat mans crotch!

Run you fools, run!
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:48, Reply)

hahaha

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:59, Reply)

rogerthestarfish is batshitmentalist who is that weird fishing chick who got be banned.
she pretended to be a man and made up a engagement and trip to the uk like a mental.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:40, Reply)

got be banned?
have you got a cold too?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 29 Oct 2010, 9:46, Reply)