It's my last day in my office before I start my secondment
it's only 3 days a week, but still fairly significant, particularly as I am managing 3 projects already, as well as doing the technical work on another 5. Somehow I have to fit all of the management paperwork and the technical work in the 2 days a week I will have here.

While my secondment makes a loss for the company because of broadscale stupidity.

What stupid situations have you been forced into?

alt q: what are you doing tonight? I'm playing a gig
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:02, 121 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Your mum

(Bazongaloid, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:03, Reply)

*hands over medal for incredible predictability*

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:04, Reply)

*stuffs it up your mums vagina*

(Bazongaloid, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:08, Reply)

in all fairness, vipros
you have to admit this ^ was not quite so predictable
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:27, Reply)

predictable, no
unsurprising, yes
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:33, Reply)

hmmmm
you make a good point
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:35, Reply)

I also have a good point
*waggles eyebrows*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:35, Reply)

sigh
and now we're back to predictability!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:58, Reply)

I've just received a text that says
'Oi, Cunt. Do you want to get drunk and have a curry this evening? The answer 'no' will prove you are gay'.

Based on me not wanting to catch-gayness, I will eat curry and drink booze.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:05, Reply)

good man

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:06, Reply)

Similar corporate idiocy
Outsourcing causing my role to become 'redundant'. Got a text off my workmate earlier saying everyone's gone mental cos I'm off sick and fuck all's being done. *rolls eyes*

Tonight: dragging my arse out of bed to cook a Quorn shepherds' pie for my good lady and drinking some wine.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:10, Reply)

Quorn?
I don't care if it's for your girlfriend, you are irretrievably gay.

Fuck's sakes, alcohol-free beer, meat-free meat, what's next?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:11, Reply)

The Holocaust with any luck.

(TheColonel, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:13, Reply)

He likes getting bummed by Crow

(Bazongaloid, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:13, Reply)

Crow is definitely the bottom.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:28, Reply)

Orgasm-free sex, I would expect

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:14, Reply)

No risk of that.

( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:19, Reply)

worst of all the sexes
:(
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:27, Reply)

Even when shit is involved?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:41, Reply)

well that would remove any possibility of orgasm!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:58, Reply)

i misread that as organ-free sex
not sure how that works, either
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:13, Reply)

I have work in the morning, and my female housemate is having a girly night in (all either old or out of bounds)
So I'm off to collect a cool-box on my way home, which I will fill with beer and shall be retiring to my bedroom for an evening of music, xbox and masturbation
(TheColonel, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:11, Reply)

Whoa. steady there Colonel.
Don't overcool your beer. Most brewers of good beer recommend that lagers are served between 10 - 12 degrees and bitters between 12- 14 degrees. And do use a glass.
(Cave Duck, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:16, Reply)

Oh and take care not to get any in your glass when masturbating.

(Cave Duck, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:18, Reply)

No danger of this since I cut a hole in my Phillipa Forrester cardboard cut out
and put a bucket behind it
(TheColonel, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:22, Reply)

It's heartening to hear of someone taking such pride in their work.

(Cave Duck, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:24, Reply)

You'd think Phillipa would've felt the same.

(TheColonel, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:25, Reply)

It's unbelievable.
*shakes head sadly*

I would have thought that your regard for keeping things hygenic would have had women flocking to your door.
(Cave Duck, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:30, Reply)

Really? I'm like my father, the colder the better.
Although it's rare that I drink nice lager, it usually needs to be near freezing to dull the taste.
(TheColonel, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:24, Reply)

That's precisely it it does dull the taste if it's too cold.
also more of tha gas is realeased in the warmth of the gut rather than in the glass increasing that bloated feeling (and making you fart more).
(Cave Duck, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:32, Reply)

I'm really not too sure. I generally make my own decisions when it comes to most things so I can only blame the stupidity on myself.
Maybe almost fighting a few weeks ago. These two dumb girls against our 8. That was pretty fucking stupid.

Tonight I'm going to cook dinner and clean a bit. Probably get my pirate patch and growl on.
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:15, Reply)

What you making for dinner?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:21, Reply)

chicken
and.....?
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:24, Reply)

Gravy, hopefully

(TheColonel, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:24, Reply)

um
no
I don't think so
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:32, Reply)

Why not?
You don't have to have biscuits as well.
(TheColonel, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:35, Reply)

because I don't like gravy

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:54, Reply)

This makes the Colonel sad :(

(TheColonel, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:10, Reply)

has it always been?

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:14, Reply)

I've just discovered I think I'm still harboring a disturbing crush on my first "boyfriend".
Only problem is he's in Texas. He's married. Aaaaaand here's the kicker, he's a massive bumder.
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:23, Reply)

Thus proving that only queers and steers come from Texas

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:27, Reply)

he doesn't come from Texas, he comes from Virginia

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:32, Reply)

could he suck a golfball through a garden hose?
if not you should tell him to square his arse away and start shitting you Tiffany cufflinks
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:35, Reply)

Don't we all?
Hang on, you said Virginia, not vagina.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:36, Reply)

They let bumders get married in Texas but not in California?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:27, Reply)

I don't think they're legally married.

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:32, Reply)

I had half-plans to be stupid with Kittzo and Apples tonight.
Must text and see if it's happening.

Alt: If it's not, have some nice food cooked for me, and play with the cat.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:30, Reply)

say hello to them for me if you see them

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:34, Reply)

I will do!
I hope I do see them. Could do with a couple of cocktails and a giggle.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:35, Reply)

Oh and give them a rather disturbing lick on the knee from Psychochomp.

(Cave Duck, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:43, Reply)

Don't you think Kittzo has suffered enough?

(PsychoChomp, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:36, Reply)

Haha

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:42, Reply)

I'm allowed to talk loudly about sex!

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:44, Reply)

about during
(Bazongaloid, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:46, Reply)

I only talk if I'm bored

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:50, Reply)

I am loving the dual meaning of the word bored in this context

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:51, Reply)

Oh har har.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:54, Reply)

Also, gutted that this was sold:
www.etsy.com/listing/15000711/cecilia-the-happy-croissant-magnet
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:55, Reply)

POTD you clever bugger

(TheColonel, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:10, Reply)

Out tonight,
Stupid situations, fighting a spaniard in Tignes. MTFU about the secondment now we get it, it sucks to be you. You haven't even tried it yet.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:45, Reply)

shut it bender
this is less about the personal aspect of it, and more about the commercial.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:46, Reply)

Still, it's about 'it' nonetheless......again
just saying like tetchy pants.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:47, Reply)

it's frankly outrageous to accuse someone of being tetchy
after they have defended themselves against a comment such as the one you posted.

you monumental vagina
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:50, Reply)

what are you babbling about man?
We understand you don't want to go on secondment. I look forward to the monday or tuesday thread. OH WOE IS ME THE SECONDMENT IS BALLS. I have to drive 60 miles a day and back in January for 6 weeks, so what it gets me a degree.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:02, Reply)

It's not quite the same thing though

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:45, Reply)

It's close enough for this conversation.
I understand he is frustrated and it's a shitty situation but stop harping on about it.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:58, Reply)

I wasn't aware that it was bothering everyone so much
ffs
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 18:28, Reply)

You're not. Just me.
It's not like your cat died and you know I love you really snookums
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 18:33, Reply)

only because you want to use me as your spunk receptacle
ain't gonna happen chum.

still, can't be too unhappy. It's friday and I've just rolled a fat one.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 18:39, Reply)

My kind a guy
Swoons
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 19:18, Reply)

Not bothering me
you haven't mentioned it in a bit
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 18:39, Reply)

And it'll cost you either a liver or kidney
Or whatever it was you bet Monty.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:50, Reply)

fighting a spaniard in Tignes
Did he wave a red-rag at you?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:49, Reply)

my older brother being a drunken bastard caused the fracas

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:50, Reply)

you are forgiven many things for using the word fracas

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:51, Reply)

What happened?
Did he knock over a bigger boys sandcastle?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:55, Reply)

They were arguing about Rugby or something and the spanish guy said something spanish to his mates
they laughed my brother tried to get punchy but being utterly spasticated on booze just fell into the table. The spanish guy tried to hold him down so his mates could hit him so I felt obliged to help out my brother. It was very gay.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:58, Reply)

It sounds REALLY gay.
Did you hear about the gay Spaniard? He never let a Diego by.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:01, Reply)

hahahahahah
You are Tim Vine
so I shouldnt be laughing.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:02, Reply)

Tim Vine in fantastic.
Although I don't think that is one of his jokes. I'm not sure where I heard it.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:05, Reply)

I like Tim Vine though it does get a bit much after about half an hour and pun fatigue can set in.

(Cave Duck, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:11, Reply)

my punalicious joke in graphics class
didn't do as well as my awesome forensics pun yesterday, but I still got a laugh
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:14, Reply)

If you teach in a rurally situated establishment you could claim your pupils were graph - hicks
(But I wouldn't recommend it)
(Cave Duck, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:18, Reply)

I'll give that a miss, I think

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:19, Reply)

Bah, that;'s the best gag I've ever thought of.

(Cave Duck, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:26, Reply)

garamond and times new roman walk into a bar
the barman looks over and sneers "I don't serve your type in here"
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:27, Reply)

It's actually 'he never let a dago by'
which has added racistlolz and scans better.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:18, Reply)

Stupid situations make up 90% of my life,
but in 90% of cases no-one's forced me into them.

Alt: seeing my little girl off to bed, and then sitting around in my ex's house waiting for it to be bedtime.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:58, Reply)

Alright Monty
What is your ex doing if you've got to wait around at hers? would it not be easier for you to have your kid at your gaff?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 16:59, Reply)

She's going out for the night. I'm staying over.
Her gaff's only just down the road from mine, and my kid's toys, clothes and bed are obviously all at hers. I don't mind too much, I shall just eat all her food and go through her stuff.

There's my vinyl copy of 'Cat Scratch Fever' by Ted Nugent that she denies still having - I WILL find it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:02, Reply)

Good luck
Thieving back your own stuff. I hope you get to use all of your cunning and stealth.

Have a nice time with your little 'un too!

Have you got a favourite toy you insist she plays with, just so you can join in?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:04, Reply)

She has a massive bag of Mega Bloks (sic)
that I inevitably commandeer and make castles out of.

Similarly when we went to Cyprus we got her a bucket and spade and I got so engrossed in recreating the Tower of London I didn't notice that she'd wandered off. Oops.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:15, Reply)

Good job you did holiday in Portugal
If she'd have wandered off there you'd have never found her again.

You have fun building castles this evening!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:19, Reply)

I surely will.
I shall read her Meg and Mog stories as well. Or Beatrix Potter. I approve of these, as opposed to the Disney shit the girl upstairs has. I like the old Disney films and have no problem with Toy Story etc but the whole cheesy 'princess' shit makes me sick. I will not encourage that gender stereotype stuff.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:23, Reply)

The Jungle Book
Is a fantastic film.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:25, Reply)

As is Robin Hood, Dumbo etc.
Pinnochio I think is fucking scary, so I'm not sure about getting her that one.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:26, Reply)

meg and mog are great
also stuff like "i don't like gloria", i cried with laughter when i read that book to my nephew.

but gender stereotyping... depends on the child as well, i think. my niece was simply born with an obsession with shoes, pink and purple stuff, and shopping. from being about 2 years old she would drag you into shoe shops, not toy shops. some things are nature as well as nurture!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:27, Reply)

ooo!
when I worked in the bookshop I found "Tadpole's Promise" the most traumatic and sad story I have ever read, especially in big picture book form. People who laugh at it are heartless bastards, it's so very moving

www.amazon.co.uk/Tadpoles-Promise-Jeanne-Willis/dp/1842704265
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:29, Reply)

I consider it my bounden duty
to point out and disparage vulgarity to her. If she loves it all anyway then so be it, but my finely-tuned detection of crassness and general commonness I owe to my parents' pointing and laughing as I grew up.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:32, Reply)

well, she's a little girl
there's even chances she will love pink glittery tacky shit even if she is also a tomboy. but then she will grow out of it and you'll probably miss it when she is swishing around all tasteful and mocking and sarcastic like her daddy!!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:41, Reply)

Don't read kids 'Goodbye Mog'
Mog dies.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:33, Reply)

you bastard, you've ruined the ending now
I've been reading that for 2 months now and I was nearly half way through
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:34, Reply)

Sorry Crunchy
I was just about to remove the spoiler. But too late.

www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/books/news/mogs-creator-kills-off-the-forgetful-cat-to-help-children-understand-death-641485.html
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:35, Reply)

Fuck I thought you were joking.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:36, Reply)

No.
Get someone else to explain death to your daughter.

*Gets all JTDG Medical Man*

Monty, I NEVER joke about death.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:38, Reply)

Isn't Ted's a bit too much of a wet liberal softie for you?
Bedtime for your kids is great at your daughter's age.
Reading and/or singing to them, and occasionally they come out with the most charmingly odd things when they're on the cusp of sleep.
Plus they look completely lovely when sleeping.
(Cave Duck, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:07, Reply)

I overlook Ted's weedy politics
as i do love his guitar playing. I prefer the Amboy Dukes stuff but his first two LPs - and especially 'Double Live Gonzo' are fucking great.

Totally agree with bedtime stuff, it's so, so endearing.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:17, Reply)

I used to have 4 jobs at the same time
and I was doing my PGCE. That was pretty dumb.

Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be a lonely old crone in fingerless gloves
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:06, Reply)

Get some booze in Crunchy.
Sort out digs yet?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:07, Reply)

mr atticus has suggested me a place
will cost me about £15 or so, which is fine by me. Will book this weekend

your answer to everything is booze
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:08, Reply)

Booze rocks!
Where has Bob suggested?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:10, Reply)

rock n bowl
sounds classy
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:10, Reply)

I've walked past in on the way to Corn Street
But I just thought it was a crappy bar called Lanes.

I never knew it was a hostel.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:18, Reply)

this bodes well for an interesting night
and an anecdote
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:22, Reply)

So if the bash is shit
You can tell us all how you had to mace 3 blokes in your dorm.

I look forward to reading it!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:26, Reply)

I hope I don't run out of mace at the bash itself

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:30, Reply)

hahahaha
Is Bob going?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:33, Reply)

says he is on the calendar

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:35, Reply)

Make a note to buy more mace then.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:35, Reply)

or
a mace
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:38, Reply)

hahahaha

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 17:40, Reply)