i am giving up on men altogether after my weekend...
Sat night met a really nice guy in the bar, a personal trainer and fireman, with a hot enough body for two of each. I was pleased with myself because i played it v cool and said i had to get back to my friends (it was my party) and he asked for my number. So instead of writing it on his face and all over his arms in red lipstick or whipping my phone out and giving him that, i said coolly that london wasn't that big and he'd find me if he wanted me.

An hour later, my phone buzzed - facebook friend request. Nice. Many shots were consumed in celebration of my upcoming shagfest with the hot PT. Next day accepted it.

MARRIED. Married. What a fucking twat!!! So in the last few months we've had the guy who wanted to go out with me but still sleep with men, the banker who gave me a hard time for not putting out on the beach when he had a fiancee back at home, the user who thought it was ok to initiate sex but never bother to call me again, the one who thought girls could only be happy when they quit their jobs and got in the kitchen, and now the married dude who was either too thick to remember or, more likely, simply didn't care if i saw it.

I swear to god i have some kind of magnet that only attracts weirdos and fuckwits! Hence the early new years resolution, from now on i am going to live like a nun. Or a lesbian. Or both, if the former gets boring, although at least boring won't leave me feeling like a naive twat for believing a word that comes out of any male mouth ever!!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:37, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

We arent all cunts you know



Disclaimer: We are all cunts
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:41, Reply)

I'm not


Disclaimer: I am
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:43, Reply)

humph!
Even after i deleted him again, i still got a message going on about working out on my curves and getting all hot and sweaty... What a cunt! Gah i am going to be mad all week. Well, for today anyway.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:43, Reply)

How embarrassing. I am cringing on your behalf.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:57, Reply)

yeah
strangely enough, i'm not taking him up on his kind offer.

raaaaaaaaah!

ok i feel better now.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:59, Reply)

The bloke's a person trainer
He's hardly going to challenge a Golden Retriever in a game of noughts and crosses, is he?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:13, Reply)

well, i've done ugly with a shit body
and that didn't work either, so i thought i might as well try the other!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:20, Reply)

the two aren't mutually exclusive.
There are other ways to maintain a good body that narcisso-onanism down a gym, and you don't have to be stupid to be fit.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:24, Reply)

yes but
everyone who fulfils that already has a missus!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:32, Reply)

You know that's not true.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:36, Reply)

my experience begs to differ

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:40, Reply)

Morning BGB

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:42, Reply)

I'm laughing, but I'm not proud of myself.

(Cave Duck, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:44, Reply)

i'm not proud of you either!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:59, Reply)

*narrows eyes*
*raises fist in sisterhood with swipey*
( girlinthehole, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:58, Reply)

maybe you've just had very bad luck recently Swipe.
I'm sure there are some lovely blokes out there for you.
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:43, Reply)

no i really think i've finally finally had enough fuckwittage
It's massively bashing my self-confidence and i didn't have much to start with! Urgh i can't even get a cat because i'm allergic to the beasts, i'm even going to fail at being a crazy spinster!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:46, Reply)

Cats are shit.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:46, Reply)

fuck off twat. Cats are ace.
Maybe Swipe, you should just take a break for a while, and build up your confidence again, then try when you feel more comfortable!
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:48, Reply)

No chance, cats are rubbish. Dogs are far superior!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:48, Reply)

...at drooling.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:56, Reply)

And, to be fair, stick retrieval.

(Cave Duck, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:58, Reply)

*waits for Jeff to answer*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:59, Reply)

heh heh

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:21, Reply)

Look at it this way
alright, so you're only attracting fuckwits currently, but isn't that better than attracting nobody at all?
(berk, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:57, Reply)

I'm going with 'no' on this one.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:00, Reply)

Seconded
Motion carries.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:01, Reply)

At least you can turn the fuckwits down
I would say that the howling tumbleweed that currently symbolises my lovelife is much more depressing than getting loads of attention even if it is off a bunch of knobbers.
(berk, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:03, Reply)

no attention does make you feel a bit down
but realising that the guy you thought was really sweet was actually only after a quick fuck on the beach and was prepared to be quite nasty about it, or someone you thought as a minimum would become a good mate didn't even like you enough as a human being to text or call you ever again after getting his dick wet is worse, definitely.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:06, Reply)

I thought you worked in a science department?
Certainly if you wandered round my building you'd quickly tire of the sweaty-palmed leering males who have all the social skills of a randy bonobo.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:06, Reply)

Yes, but you work in physics
a generally girl-free (or girl limited) field. Male biologists tend not to have that 'hurr, tits!' response to women...
(berk, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:10, Reply)

I'm sceptical. Grab one of the library textbooks and see which pages bear the most sweaty thumbprints.
(Edit: No, actually, I can't really argue. Some male physicists are fucking pathetic...)
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:16, Reply)

hurr, tits!

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:16, Reply)

see, there's the problem.
They obviously are going "hurr, tits" but you're ignoring them.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:25, Reply)

Oh god this, it's so shit to attract nobody at all :(

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:11, Reply)

I, for example, am a lovely person, a fantastic cook, a compulsive liar, a gentle, yet firm lover, and Batman.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:46, Reply)

Hahaha!
That has made me giggle and cheered up my morning!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:48, Reply)

Your problem
stems from the kind of men you meet - perhaps it's the kind of place you drink in (I mean this most kindly).

Let's face it, a 'a personal trainer and fireman' is almost completely guaranteed to be a thicko and a narcissist - I concede you couldn't have known he was also a dishonest arsehole too, but really: he was going to be a tosser.

Ditto your holiday banker. A banker? Known throughout the world to be arseholes...

I feel desperately sorry for you, you don't deserve it at all but you're not helping yourself either.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:44, Reply)

This^
You mentioned about you not being bothered about looks as long as they could make you laugh then cop off with the personal trainer!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:47, Reply)

i didn't snog him in the bar, i'm not 15!!
He came up to me (he liked my leave-on boots, i was just pleased he didn't ask to borrow them knowing my luck)
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:53, Reply)

The point I was trying to make was that
he was obviously good looking and fit, etc but dim. Hence not a good fit for your criteria of being funny
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:55, Reply)

well
he did make me laugh a lot. but i was very drunk, to be fair, cancer would probably have made me laugh a lot.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:01, Reply)

Beer googles are bad, m'kay!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:04, Reply)

maybe
I will concede this logic applies to some of the recent tragedies!

And yeah, he was pretty dim
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:49, Reply)

I suspect that there is some truth in this.
If you want to meet someone for fun, the odd date or uncomitted shagging. Then those places are fine.

However, if you want something of more depth then you perhaps need to looking at environments that allow you to get to know someone a little more gradually.
(Cave Duck, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 9:55, Reply)

That doesn't work either : (
Me and swipey are DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED.
( girlinthehole, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:00, Reply)

Like b3ta's /offtopic board

*smirks*
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:00, Reply)

Seems to have worked for a few b3tans!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:01, Reply)

That's a good point actually...

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:02, Reply)

Pfft! seems I got the short end of the straw.

( girlinthehole, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:02, Reply)

Hurr hurr, short ends...good points...
PENIS!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:03, Reply)

Hahaha!
I'm not that much of a demented bitch.

*says nothing*
( girlinthehole, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:05, Reply)

You're not even a homeopathic-strength demented bitch

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:06, Reply)

Aw fanks : )

( girlinthehole, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:08, Reply)

You're most welcome, Auntie!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:11, Reply)

Maybe you just haven't got the balance
of drunkenness right at bashes to leap on people?
(berk, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:04, Reply)

It's ok to do that when your young but not at my age.
It's just looks tacky.
( girlinthehole, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:06, Reply)

It is quite fun though

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:10, Reply)

Surely at your age
you're old enough to not give a shit what people think of you? If you want to get drunk and pounce on people, do it!
(berk, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:11, Reply)

There's laws against that sort of thing.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Yeah, just few drops in the drink, and "help them home".
Much more dignified that way.

Morning, the internets.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:21, Reply)

Morning Wooks

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:22, Reply)

How's tricks?

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:24, Reply)

Tricks are good thanks
I'm a little achy from decapitating a willow tree at the weekend, plus staying up til 3am to finish Lost. And yourself?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:26, Reply)

Not bad at all, ta.
Discovered on Friday that I'm not so much of an emo twat as I thought I was - not getting sad when I get drunk, just getting sad when I get rejected ;P

Moral of the story: don't try.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:29, Reply)

Do or do not...
*is utterly ashamed for typing that*
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:31, Reply)

When 500 years old you reach...

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:33, Reply)

Hah. This.

(berk, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:31, Reply)

ah urr h t
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:35, Reply)

Bravo!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:37, Reply)

*applauds*

(berk, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:37, Reply)

To some extent yes but if I saw some drunken old bint locking lips with a guy in the pub then I would look with disdain.
Even with tattoos and piercings I like to carry myself with an air of sophistication in old age.
( girlinthehole, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:14, Reply)

i think past the age of about 25 it's tacky to snog in public
doesn't mean i haven't been a bit hypocritical about that rule, but i still believe it!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:15, Reply)

2 1
Seriously, there's a couple that insist on eating off each other's faces in our common room and it's revolting to behold. They can only be 21, maybe 22, but you can watch the whole damn room growing increasingly uncomfortable as they try not to have their attention drawn to the spectacle, waiting for one person to have the nerve to yell "Get a room" at them.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:19, Reply)

if you're a couple that's much worse because you can do it any time at home
i just meant snogging randoms in bars!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:22, Reply)

Snogging randoms in bars is good fun
Just not when they look like the last one I snogged, not good. She looked like a bulldog.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:27, Reply)

Then what the hell did you snog her for, you retard?

(berk, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:29, Reply)

Because I was drunk, and she was there
I turned to her, said "Hi", and leaned in for a kiss. Easiest snog I've ever done. The sickened looks on peoples faces were quite entertaining.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:32, Reply)

Are you sure they were sickened on your behalf, and not hers?
Were you wearing that yellow t-shirt?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:40, Reply)

I've been informed that the barman overpoured the pint in his hand because he couldn't look away from the 2 monsters eating each others faces about 10 feet away
And no, I think I was pretty well dressed that night...
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:43, Reply)

You snogged a bulldog?!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:29, Reply)

She looked like one, not an ACTUAL bulldog
I think...
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:32, Reply)

Bulldogs look like bulldogs
quod erat demonstrandum
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:34, Reply)

Using a Venn diagram
The two subsets "Women AA snogged" and "bulldogs" we can see the overlap clearly.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:37, Reply)

In fairness, not all of them are that bad
Some definitely are, but I've been lucky from time to time.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:39, Reply)

I didn't say it was a large overlap ;)

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:40, Reply)

Woo!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:43, Reply)

Your common room at work?
Ew!
(berk, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:23, Reply)

I know!
We have an upper-middle-class room.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:27, Reply)

Just throw old copies of THE at them.
If it's anything like my common room you'll be drowning in them.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:28, Reply)

You should give up smirking.
It's bad for yerz health, like, man, pet.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:01, Reply)

*polite applause*

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:02, Reply)

^ Should I be ashamed of having laughed at this?

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:02, Reply)

How do you think I feel?
I fucking posted it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:04, Reply)

more men on here should be you, monty
this would improve the place no end
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:07, Reply)

^this

( girlinthehole, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:07, Reply)

*blushes again*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:45, Reply)

*blushes*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:45, Reply)

^this, hard.
Don't want wankers? stop going for totally obvious wankers, then. S'not rocket science.

/harsh-but-fair Monday.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:15, Reply)

but the whole point is
that they don't SEEM like wankers at the outset. it always turns out afterwards that everyone else thought they were arrogant or slimey or retarded or gay or whatever, but somehow i don't seem to spot it... how do i learn this filtration process??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:16, Reply)

Dunk them in a pond
If they float, they're wankers.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:17, Reply)

that's witches, you fool

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:18, Reply)

Both being with 'W'
Maybe it applies to both, have you tested it?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:21, Reply)

no
i don't even own a pond
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:22, Reply)

See if they're repelled by silver and/or wolfsbane?

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:24, Reply)

and stakes. or something.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:26, Reply)

I was running with an alliteration theme
You RUINED it.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:27, Reply)

I ruin everything in the end, Lab.
See the Irish banking system? Me.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:28, Reply)

Good, Ireland was expensive when I last went over

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:30, Reply)

Well, I don't really know you so hard to say, but I suspect Monty has a point
in that it's partially down to the company you keep and the places you hang out (that's not in any way meant to be an insult, the thing with people like that is they are often brilliant mates, just rubbish relationships)

But there are some cast iron clues? Sorry, but any even vaguely successful banker is going to be a cunt. You wouldn't be any good at banking if you weren't. Same goes for a large amount of the legal profession, which I'm sure you realise. And personal trainers? Seriously, you expect anyone that narcissistic to care about anything but themselves?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:22, Reply)

maybe it's london then
although i didn't meet all of them in london, so that can't be it either.

never mind. i can just stop going to the gym and eat chocolate on my arse and grow my leg hair into plaits!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:24, Reply)

If you stop shaving your pubes, you can end up with a beard down there!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:27, Reply)

i would never ever shave them
i don't want to look like george michael. waxing/laser removal ftw!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:31, Reply)

+ again.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:28, Reply)