Politics
I was watching the news with my dad as a nipper. When it was over He sat me down and said


"believe nothing until it has been officially denied"


With that in mind I always looked at things more cynically from that day on.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 14:11, 3 replies)

The one bit of advice I remember my old man giving me:
"Have a wank, it's less trouble."
(geekboy Hillbilly., Sun 22 Jun 2008, 13:15, 4 replies)

Party planning
The one stand out piece of advice my Dad gave me during my teens was:

"If you're going to have a party, host it the night the clocks go back, that way you get an extra hour."


Makes good sense...
(Oben, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 12:47, 1 reply)

Ed Sr.
My ol' Dad was fond of the saying

"If you can't measure it, you can't control it"

I suspect that might have been the inspiration for me getting into maths.

That having been said, he did also say a few other bonkers things such as

(on anything that didn't meet his exacting standards) "well, fuck it then".

(on England winning in the Calcutta Cup) "bollocks. I could do better than that. Actually, fuck it Edmund [me] YOU could do better than that"

Also: "I believe in luck but it appears to be correlated with work" (paraphrasing I believe from "the harder I work, the luckier I get".
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 11:20, Reply)

ladies, never trust a man until he's taken you up the aisle.
And don't let him take you up the aisle without a condom.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 10:24, 1 reply)

A bit serious, but...
My grandad, bless him, once said to me...

"The only luck you get is the luck you make for yourself."

True, dat.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 10:04, Reply)

One For The Ladies
.
Always remember that a kick in the balls is worth two in the head.

It might save your life someday.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 7:13, 3 replies)

Apparently this is common wisdom in the US Military...
...as it was told to me by a retired Army Colonel, my boss in my first grown up office job:

"Blow your own horn or someone will shove it up your ass"

Thanks, Col. Rappaport!

Mort
(mortdubois lacks imagination, doesn't play well with others, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 5:12, Reply)

My Year one teacher
gave me the best advice. Ever.

She told me the difference between 'there', 'their', and 'they're', by way of a pictorial explanation on the first page of my journal book.

I still have it somewhere, and remembering it has saved me from grammar-nazis all over the internet.

Thanks Mrs Orth!
( glasnt is playing herself off., Sun 22 Jun 2008, 4:48, 5 replies)

I waited (as a waiter) on two fifty year anniversaries in one week.
Each couple spontaneously said the same thing:

"Don't get married, son."
(Smoked Oysters Yes, magick helmet! And I will give you a sample!, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 4:25, Reply)

My great aunt Kathleen...
aged 82, at her twin sister's funeral, told me that I shouldn't tie myself down to one man and should spread my wild oats while I'm young.

I'm now 28, and still gleefully taking her advice.

Apologies for lack of length (I'm a girl) and drunkeness.
(BlackArmadillo Avoided writing that article on, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 4:11, Reply)

Advice loop
My old grandad once said to me, "Never trust a man...."

I sat there for quite some time whilst he sat there mouth agape. I waited with bated breath to see what this universal policy on trust would be before he asked me to fetch him a Jammie Dodger.

It was then I remembered that my grandad suffered from full blown dementia and was, by this point, quite insane.
(TheVomitingCavalier entered one image challenge and failed miserably, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 2:18, Reply)

When I was a kid my parents told me never to pick spots because if I did they'd turn into a pig's foot. Now I wasn't young enough to believe they would actually turn into a porcine trotter, so assumed that it was some kind of hilarious metaphor I didn't understand, much like the rude jokes I watched on the Two Ronnies that I later grew up to realise weren't funny. But no, they really meant a pig's foot, and for years I couldn't understand why they were threatening me with something that was clearly impossible.

Now 30, and no pig's feet! (although I do derive a perverse pleasure from picking the few spots I still get)
(Elephantine Galoot is on the M62 heading east at, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 2:09, Reply)

i have no idea what it means
sitting in a friend's grandma's kitchen one day, we were discussing a girl we knew.
"i don't trust her" says mate's nan.
"why not?" i ask
""she's got eyes like someone from over the brook. never trust anyone with those eyes."

there are no brooks(small streams, in case you didn't know) near her house and no further explanation was forthcoming, but it is the one piece of advice that's always stuck in my head.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 1:07, Reply)

Cooking
If it's brown you're fine, if it's black you're buggered.

Compliments of my now deceased Great Gran

this culinary mantra has yet to fail me.
(D-Taicho, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 0:38, 5 replies)

Buddha
Was old, and he said
When standing, just stand.
When sitting, just sit.
Above all, don't wobble
(lordy lordy, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 0:36, Reply)

quite pleased
not even in the same room as the topic but i'm quite pleased

some of you may know by now mrs spimf and i have a delightful little boy - hes two now and pretty damn cool, but we did have to get very clever people in white coats with very important looking glasses to make him in a little tube for us 'cos were a bit rubbish

tony blair paid for that

mrs spimf is now so bloody decrepit gordon brown was not prepared to pay for another go - so i had to fork out 5 grand this time in a posh private hospital (prettier nurses and decent porn in the wank room)

good news is we got three fertilised embryos and they go back into the mothership on monday

my thinking is if you all cross your fingers for us we might get 1 to stick


!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 23:53, 19 replies)

shoes and hands
My mother always said that you can tell a man by his shoes and his hands. If he keeps his shoes and fingernails clean, he isn't a bad man.

My mother has led a very sheltered life.
( pottybeaver is neither a potty nor a beaver, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 23:40, 2 replies)

my grandma
recently told me that I should never trust a man unless he's taken me up the aisle.

Which I was able to post last week as well...
( ascorbate, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 21:16, 3 replies)

From you good people at b3ta actually...
The past is a memory,
The futures a guess,
Your living right now.

Or something, I liked it anyway.

Something about knobs/wanking/face-rape etc...
(Formaly Over say's hello, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 20:33, Reply)

as my grandma told me, if you can't think of anything to say,
post a picture of kittens.


(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 20:02, 3 replies)

Top tip from a seasoned archaeologist
Push a full wheelbarrow, pull an empty one.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 19:57, 24 replies)

Broken hearted
I had just broken up with my fiery red headed girlfriend. she was the best lay I ever head and the worst bitch i ever knew. To make it worse, she took to shagging my assistant at work, and I head to deal with that smarmy mother fucker everyday.
I was deep in lamenting my sad story to my da,a NYC Fireman for 30 years and a decorated war hero, and he goes" are you kiddin'me? FUCK her" (As in who needs her) I continued to moan a little and he goes again, "wait a minute, your not listening, FUCK HER" I thought about it for a moment and realized;. You know what, he's right FUCK her. Never thought about the cunt again. Good man me Da.
(tip132, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 19:45, Reply)

Wimminfolk wisdom
"Eat your crusts and your hair will go curly."
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 19:25, 53 replies)

Old people rock.
It's one of the rare slow nights in A&E, and I get assigned a 'PFO', which is short for 'pissed, fell over'.

The patient in question was a sprightly 75 year old, who, despite being the correct side of half a bottle of whiskey, was surprisingly lucid. Well, except when he tried to walk, but he was all there otherwise. A long chat started, and I find out this old boy was a former member of the British Army, served in the SAS, and became a security guard for a lesser prince of the Saudi Royal Army. Not only that, he had 11 children, his youngest turning 11 next month.

Realising that he wasn't your common or garden PFO, I noticed a lot of odd scars in odd places. Each one, it turned out, had a story. Here are the more memorable.

1. 5cm scar across the back of his right hand. Sustained when in Beijing ('Now, let's just say - I wan't meant to be there, if you know what I mean'), quelling a riot. A young man has taken a swipe at him with a knife, and he sustained a defensive laceration.

2. Multiple longitudinal scars across both forearms. Sustained when throwing the above assailant through a shop window.

3. Gunshot wound to chest. Sustained whilst under the employ of the Saudi prince as stated above ('He loved to give the impression that he was a good muslim, which was complete and utter bollocks. He was a wanker of the highest order and couldn't hold his fucking drink'). Turned out he couldn't shoot straight, and my patient had copped it in the chest which said spoiled lesser Royal shot him.

3(a). In addition, he may have chased the perp down the the stairs, and shot him in the arse ('Oh god', I said, 'were you happier?' 'No,' said he ' I was aiming for his head...')

4. Multiple healed lacerations to the back ('Jealous girlfriend - but she was so beautiful! These Vietamese girls...!')

He was just simply awesome to chat to. And a complete gentleman too - much better than the BBC exec who came in the next day, similary PFO'd, who behaved like a complete cunt*.

*in fact, his behaviour was the worst I had ever seen of any patient, only recently surpassed by a not-confused guy throwing his own poo at nurses.
(witty_ditty has made multiple miaows since, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 18:05, Reply)

can't remember who told me this but...
"worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere"

I've heard loads of weird sayings and stuff throughout my life but this is the one that has really stuck with me and becuase of it i don't tend to worry too much about things.

meh
(Foulkesy123 The one and only..., Sat 21 Jun 2008, 17:45, 2 replies)

A Few gems from the mouth of my old man...
Probably one of the few questions of the week in which a post has immediately sprung out at me...
When I was about 14 my old man bestowed upon me his three goldren rules to dating... they have served me well.
1) Go ugly early
2) Beauty is only a lightswitch away
3) If they are not upto your standards, lower your standards.

the other wise words came from my uncle simon, who, over a family discussion about what you would do for money came out with this..
Simon "evil, would you give a man a blowjob for a million pounds?"
Me (about 15 now)"urrrghhh no way! never!
Simon "you have a lot to learn then, one of which is how much money a million pounds actually is, and the other is how much mouthwash you can buy with it"

and now, almost ten years later.... i can kind of see his point
( evilamnesiac says fuck you Prince, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 17:22, 6 replies)

Traveling Abroad?
I met my friends granfather at a BBQ. Top bloke, could tell the brand and age of a whiskey from 20 paces, by colour and smell alone.

Chatting away, I made the mistake of mentioning the face I was off on holiday to France.
He suddenly launched into a tirade about 'going abroad' and how everywhere was full of 'bl**dy foreigners'. His one piece of advice to me was simply "Don't go anywhere overseas - it's more trouble than it's worth..."

Quite perplexed, I asked my friends Dad why he had such a problem with 'abroad'.

Aparently, the last time he went anywhere not in the British Isles was in 1944, and the Germans on the beach were machine gunning him and his pals.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 16:31, 1 reply)