Mint
When I was in line for the cinema many years ago, I began to get hungry and impatient and I loudly complained to my parents and whoever else would listen that I was hungry. The old lady in line in front of me dug in her pockets and presented me with a hard mint candy. "This will help your tummy-ache," she told me, "it's an old remedy. People these days rely too much on chemicals and don't realize that there are natural remedies that actually DO work." Thinking she was just a kook, I ate the candy, but I later read that it is actually a commonly-accepted remedy. I have used it a few times, chewing on mint leaves to combat morning sickness (unrelated to pregnancy!!) and the sticky stomach of hangovers. Old people, eh? There's a wealth of knowledge locked in their brains, so it's too bad most are utter cunts to talk to.
(BrainSurgerysFun, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 0:33, 2 replies)

Old Bull Vs Young Bull
.
An old bull and a young bull were standing on the top of a hill when the young bull spotted a herd of cows away in the distance.

"Quick" he bellowed "Lets run down and fuck one of those cows"

The old bull looked at him and said:

"Why don't we walk down and fuck them all?"


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 0:14, 3 replies)

Shopping Trip
When I was about 15, i went to the supermarket with my mum. On the trip down, and for no particular reason, she turns to me and tells me three rules to live by:

1. Never get in a car with someone who is drunk or on drugs. Someone also covers yourself.

2. Always use a condom with a new partner

3. Enjoy yourself.

Sound advice methinks, even if it was out of the blue
(Urban Hermit Exit, pursued by a bear on, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 0:13, Reply)

My Glaswegian Granny
When my devoutly Catholic gran was dying from stomach cancer I used to go round and look after her for a few hours to give my mum and aunties a break and it was pretty hard. She was always in lots of pain and gradually getting worse. Anyway, I was chatting to her one day, she was very sick and obviously having a particularly bad time so I rang my mum to ask what I should do. She replied that I should check that she had her morphine patches on for pain relief.

I went to my gran who was bed ridden by then and asked if she had her morphine patch on and she laughed. She said that I wasn't to tell anyone but she was removing the patches when no-one was looking because "God wants me to suffer like Jesus did on the cross" and that the natural way to die is in lots of pain.

I have to admit, I had to respect her decision and it reinforced the fact that though very small, she was as tough as old boots. I for one will have patches on each arm and leg and ideally a smack drip pumping directly into my aorta when the time comes.
(jimbobaggins, Sat 21 Jun 2008, 0:01, 2 replies)

never trust...
a man with thin lips

anyone who can keep half a bar of chocolate 'for later'

people who say 'we'll see'

a man with thin lips

a man in grey shoes

anyone who honestly wants to ignore their own birthday

people who don't put up a christmas tree

a man with thin lips

vegetarians (awaits abuse - can handle abuse from weak, pale, thin people)

the IT person in your office (yes, well aware of the power of Dork Side on here) but they DO read ALL your mail and they know FULL well you get paid a lot more than them - beware!

a Campbell (Scots know this to be true)

anyone who says "i'm on your side"

anyone who comes to you with rumours about you

people who don't like cats

estate agents, travel agents, or anyone who has the term agent in their job title

a man with thin lips

people who say 'believe me'

or 'just so you know'

or 'this hurts me more than you'

a man with thin lips

people who CHOOSE to stay sober at work do's but you know they drink like a fucking fish on any other day

a man with thin lips

people who arrive at work half an hour before everyone else

people who are on more than 40K but still bring a packed lunch

ANYONE WHO DOES NOT OWN A TELEVISION SET - they're not cultured they just want you to wonder why they have such an alternative and cultured perspective

people who have an alternative and cultured perspective - they will come round and watch your telly for FUCKING HOURS (pursing their thin lips)

the one in the office that signs a leaving card with nothing else but an email address - note the thin lips and grey shoes on the cunt!

people who botox/collogen their fucking mimpy little thin lips
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 23:58, 11 replies)

My boss's dad
Says "Fuck 'em all, but don't fuck the chef until after breakfast"

My mother says "relax"

My Dear deceased Grandfather said that you should learn something new every day
(Snake (on a) Crane FKA thwack, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 23:43, Reply)

Three words.
Drink, fuck, read.

Amen.
(sorry., Fri 20 Jun 2008, 23:33, 1 reply)

A wise old man once told me
that advice was spelt with a 'c' not an 's'

perhaps a lesson for us all
(salvadorbones, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 23:01, Reply)

Medical Advice
Often given out by me when I'm supervising a bunch of first aiders:

"If its sticky, and it's not yours, wear gloves before you touch it"

"Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things"

"Turn your common sense on before you go"
(kiwanotree Meh, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 22:43, Reply)

Never eat raw grape Kool Aid.
You'll pee blue for days.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 20 Jun 2008, 22:27, 13 replies)

Advice from my dear, departed dad...
1. Never let anyone tie you up, no matter how nice they might appear to be - I was about 14 when he told me this one, I didn't really know what he was on about.

2. When chased by a crocodile always remember to run away in a zig zag. If it does manage to catch you and takes you under, play dead (it will leave you to rot for a while in its lair until you're nice and putrid) hold your breath until it swims away and then make your escape!

3. If attacked by a shark, punch it hard on the nose.

Being brought up in the West Midlands, I found items 2 and 3 especially useful as you can imagine. Those canals are infested...

All of this advice was given without the slightest hint of irony. As yet, I've not had the opportunity to put any of these gems of wisdom into practice but there's still time...
( Squeezy Cor, that am lovely!, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 21:31, 3 replies)

From my Mom
"Never wash your hair with your hat on."

I'd like to think she meant this with a deeper meaning than the obvious, but she's nuts so I doubt it.
(man_d is being watched by experts on, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 21:21, 1 reply)

Be quiet and learn
My Grandfather once told me: "Learn from the mistakes of others, because you won't get old enough to make all the mistakes yourself." He was 94 by then. I now choose my friends by the fact from who i can learn the most...
At another occasion he told me young folks didn't have usefull things to say, so i had better listen instead of speaking until i was 21. To be honest, i still don't have much usefull things to say, even though i surpassed this age already.
(Boor, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 21:19, Reply)

Pearl of wisdom from my Gran
Said to me as a young lad embarking on a night out with a new girlfriend..."Old people are just young people that have been doing it longer" followed by a wink.
( bane, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 21:00, Reply)

Not exactly sound advise from my Granddad...
but advise none the less:

When I was chatting about a work colleague who was tedious my Granddad served up this pearl of wisdom "Fuck them before they fuck you".

When we were in a car and he spotted a man crossing the road who had a large beard and didn't look like the most well groomed man he informed me that "he should be burned with petrol... Unleaded petrol so the bastard burns quicker". He then went on to tell me how some women needed "kicking in the cunt".

I suppose that because he looks like Leslie Nielsen he gets away with his potty mouthed tirades. Hasn't solved many crimes lately though...
(JethroTull, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 20:33, 1 reply)

My nan
was always fond of saying "make sure you're always wearing matching undies, you never know when you might get hit by a bus".

I guess the fact that it's not uncommon for you to defacate and urinate simultaneously upon impact, thus rendering said matching underwear a bit nasty escaped her.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 20:02, 205 replies)

Life's too short...
...for drying dishes. Get a sink drainer rather than use a tea towel. It's more hygienic too!
(MadBouncyDog Barking at the moon since, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 19:46, 3 replies)

My Old Man
Gave me this pearl of wisdom:

"Never pull another man's rhubarb"

To this day I still have no idea what the hell he was on about, possibly warning me off wanking off fellas?
Unfortunately he died a couple of years ago, so I may never know the answer....bollocks.
(Cow_Tipping_Samurai, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 19:26, 4 replies)

I was once advised by someone
Who had great mistrust of technology: "Use the internet as a reference source, but never, EVER, agree to meet up with anyone you come into contact with online".






Shit...

Evening you wonderful, wonderful lot. You know who you are...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 20 Jun 2008, 19:08, 45 replies)

One piece of advice to take with you.
Good friends of ours had a BBQ to say goodbye to a couple of students that had been here in Lanzarote for work experience. Our friend (we shall call him "Weasel") owns a pool company, and said that he had one piece of advice that the young lady should always carry with her. Now "Weasel" is an intelligent chappie... and rarely says anything if it's not worth saying.

So we all sat forward waiting for this gem of wisdom...

It all went quiet...

Weasel said "Never let them cum in your eye!"

You can imagine the response.

Elle xx

Edited: Ok, so "Weasel" isn't old... but it cracked us all up!
(canarynightlife "Some weasel nicked the cork from my lunch! ", Fri 20 Jun 2008, 18:47, Reply)

Medical Advice
I once considered having some surgery done to my feet, which suffered from structural defects. Doctor advised: "If it doesn't hurt, don't cut." After all, the recovery pain could make the initial pain seem minor in comparison. They didn't really hurt much and so they've never been cut. May it always be so!
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 18:08, Reply)

Aww memories...
My Nan never gave me advice, she just used to tell me stories about how she would beat the boys of her village with sticks when she was young.
I miss that crazy, aggressive old lady
( Mellicious is made of candy, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 18:05, Reply)

never get involved in a land war in Asia
and from My Mother:-
"If you are going to have one, have a big one"
(Rich T has a clever and witty sig, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 18:03, 1 reply)

advice by stealth
i used to go out with this guy. my mum condemned him with the following:

'he'll make a lovely first husband.'

i knew instantly that she was right.

she may keep putting the tv remote in the fridge by accident, but she ain't stupid.
(threadkiller, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 17:57, 2 replies)

My Revered Father
Who is now quite elderly.
Once said to me:
"God may forgive your carnal excesses, but your mucous membranes never will."
Sound advice.
(onefishtwofish Redfishbluefish, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 17:43, Reply)

Me old granda
Gave me these pearls of wisdom:

"Never have sex, always make love." Sound advice, seems to be more enjoyable that way.

"Even a fool knows something you don't."
"You are never lost. You are always exactly where you are meant to be." I think this one may be a metaphor. Fantastic though :)

and the last one I can remember just now: "What's meant for you won't pass you by...but that doesn't mean you can sit on your arse and wait for something good to happen."
(Teran Thinks Pogonophobia is funny, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 17:29, 2 replies)

My grandma
My grandmother (or nanny as we call her) is an amazing grandmother, except that she is they typical crochety old lady almost always, and every month she seems to be more miserable than the last time.
Now cut to my bridal shower: my mom gives out "advice" cards so that all the women at the shower can give me and my future husband advice on how to enjoy married life.
My grandmother wrote this:

Don't do it! It last's a long time...TOO long! GO on a cruise instead!
Love, Nanny

I love my grandmother but I never expected such a thing from her especially since I am the claimed "favorite" grandchild and my husband to be is her favorite "in-law"...got to love old people!
(goddes9447, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 17:06, Reply)

Not so much advise but...
My Great-uncle Jim is a legend. He's had bad tinnitis for as long as I've known him and therefore doesn't get himself involved in conversation too much at family get-togethers which, coupled with his silver goatee beard and thick glasses gives everything he says great resonance as far as I'm concerned. In the last 18 years he has spoken to me twice and each time I've come away thinking I've benefited from his profound wisdom.

The first time was in 2000 when I was travelling around Scotland visiting family along the way. I was at his house where he lives with my non-hearing impaired Great-aunt watching the Open and Tiger Woods had just hit a long drive but missed the subsequent putt. Jim reclines in his chair, pipe in hand and says:

'Aye. When the big hitters reach the green every one's equal'.

He didn't speak another word to me until I was at my cousin's wedding earlier this year. We were sitting at a table together while the ceilidh was in full swing. He points to the dancefloor and asks: 'Are you a dancer?'. I said no to which he replied 'Neither are they!'.

Like I said: legend.
( Raindance Work is inversely proportional to post-count, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 16:47, 1 reply)

Honesty and integrity
My parents don't get on with my Grandad. My gran remarried and they think he's an ignorant, shallow character who they didn't want their children picking up habits from. He used to sell dodgy secondhand cars, pirate videos ("it's yer trackin' love") and still is pretty shady.

But as his oldest Grandson I see a side of him that they never see. I'll always remember when I was about seven, going for a walk to the nearby shop with him and him pointing out some cock in a tarted-up capri with the top down. That Jewish wisdom twinkled in his eye and he said to me,
"That's what's important in life, Georgey-boy"
me: "What, Granded?"
"Looks." he said with a pause, as if delivering some sort of epic dogma
"Looks....and money".

No idea how deep this went in but I'm a pretty mangy fellow scraping to keep above water in rip-off London, so no fear just yet.
(YourLocalGP, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 16:43, Reply)