Quite boring
But got me into trouble with my petty, crazy ex girlfriend.

I had a cold, nothing serious, but i was having a lie-in as an excuse not to do any work.

I got a text from my girlfriend asking how i was and shortly after, a text from a friend saying they were going to play basketball and did i want to come.

I didn't really want to do anything remotely energetic so i decide to exagerate my illness to my friend and play it down to my g/f so she "wouldn't worry"

So i type my "I've got a bit of a cold, but i'm OK" message and send it to girlfriend...

Then i type my "Sorry i'm really ill i can't get out of bed" message....and send it to my girlfriend...

"I can't believe you'd lie to me, my god i can't believe it, you tell your friends things you won't even tell me" messages follow shortly afterwards...

She got bent out of shape about all sorts of silly things like that, but the perfect example of how confusing that girl was is this message:

"don't text me! goodnight!"

an hour later

"I can't believe you didn't text me"

Oh well...

(Also my mum just got a text from my friend that said "I've done the hovering and i'm at work til 8.30 - how lovely of him to let her know)
(left-handed-monkey, Tue 31 May 2005, 11:14, Reply)

Book writers
Being asked to contact someone to be interviewed for a book...
saying SURE THING.... and the slow dawning that some of the things I wrote might not be entirely true... *giggle*

oh no... Gonna get busted.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 31 May 2005, 11:12, Reply)

The Ol' Mobile Phone One...again!
Was at work when I got a text from my friend's boyfriend along the lines of "Look, I've been thinking a lot about our relationship and you know it isn't going to work. I think it's probably best if we didn't see each other again." Now, my first name is Dave. His (ex) girlfriend's was Debs. Next to each other in phonebook. Ooops. Especially as I get on really well with his girlfriend, and not him so well. I phoned him up, called him a gutless cunt and told him to have the balls to break up in person. He didn't. She dumped him 3 days later! Bwahahaha!
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Tue 31 May 2005, 10:59, Reply)

Cherry Popping
First year at University there was a girl, and she was pretty fine, and she liked me too. Now being a late starter I was quite keen to get the cherry popped, she wanted to pop it. Most of people in her halls new both of us and knew that squeaky-squeaky was imminent.

So the night in question, riding away merrily, (I was pretty good too for a first time) caution to the wind, bang her in to next tuesday.

Most of the night.

Both of us get up sore in the morning but grinning.

The ONOsecond was walking in to the breakfast hall in the morning and finding out that EVERYONE had heard the clank clank clank of bedframe against radiator as all the radiators in the buildings were connected.

And a few people were not impressed - many many people had not had much sleep.

One hole in the floor please....

Although one of her mates was impressed with my staying power and I ended up bangin her some weeks later, but at my place with no distractions.

No Apologies for length, she liked it.
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Tue 31 May 2005, 10:47, Reply)

My Little Sister...
.. used to work as an admin assistant in the sales department of a software company. One of the directors in the building was, by all accounts, a rather unpleasant arsepart. Never said 'Good morning' to anyone, was a stranger to the word 'please',and generally expected people to regularly run around after him doing anything he could not be bothered to take care of himself i.e. actual work.

Things came to a head one frantic day, when sister was up to her neck in urgent work, and recieved an abrupt email from Arsepart ordering her to perform some menial task immediately. Now Jaqui is a rather forthright kind of woman; she added a comment reading "Look at this cunt. No please, no thank you. I don't sit around all day, waiting in case something trivial needs to be done. Arrogant fucking wanker", and forwarded it onto the other girl working in her department.

About 10 minutes later, Jaqui recieved another email from Arsepart, asking 'Have I done something to upset you?' Upon checking her email, she discovered that she'd replied to the email rather than forwarded it onto her friend!

After an onosecond of intense panic, she realised thet there was no way she could deny what she'd written, and that the best form of defence was probably to attack. So she sent another email back, apologising for the language she'd used, but pointing out that she was actually very busy, couldn't just drop everything to attend his whims, and that it doesn't take too much effort to use the word 'please'.

Not only did she not get fired, but Arsepart apparently began saying 'hello' to Jaqui when he saw her, and was a bagful of please and thank you whenever he wanted something done.

Any claims for loss of earnings by people who decide to copy this tactic, and then get fired, will not be entered into.
(Huey the cat says 'Meewoe', Tue 31 May 2005, 10:33, Reply)

Need to get in touch with these people...
I’m working for a reporter who is writing a book on creative revenge tactics and dealing with life’s annoyances. I came across a couple of posts on the previous questions of the week that were interesting. If any of the following people would like to be interviewed about their post for the book, please get in touch with me at [email protected]. Thanks.

Petty Sabotage

Music Shop Fun by monstermunchqueen, Wed 4 May 2005, 16:44

My dad hates modern "conveniences" by belen, Fri 6 May 2005, 6:23

Further Acts of Petty Sabotage by Vlad The Impala, Thu 5 May 2005, 21:30

Autocorrect again i'm afraid... by Humpty Dumpty was Pushed, Wed 4 May 2005, 12:57

Onosecond

Not me but a colleague by anthorin, Thu 26 May 2005, 11:44

The dangers of mailing lists by wilfy, Thu 26 May 2005, 11:16

The Onosecond by Tarquins Love Handles, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:00

And then there was the time... by IcePimp, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:52

Be so careful by Gert-Big-Robot-Gal, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:38

A very close shave by BobbyParadise, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:02
(Habibi, Tue 31 May 2005, 10:31, Reply)

Resonant burp
The building I work in has a large stone-and-plaster-clad foyer, which has rather a nice reverberant characteristic. So one day I was walking through on the way to see my boss, and feeling some pressure in the gut, released a beauty of a burp. Happily relishing the sonorous reverb tail, I then noticed someone sitting on the other side of the space, who had been shielded from view by a pillar.

Cue a red face and rapid exit up the stairs. At least it was some scruffy student bloke, and not some fit lass.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 31 May 2005, 10:25, Reply)

many, many times
this has happened to me! and its always when its something important... ill give an example - i was going out to the kings road or whatever, shopping i think.... and so i decided to send a text to my boyfriend.... because i hadnt seen him (ALONE) for a while, i thought, hey, lets make it steamy. ok. type. ok. phonebook. find number. P. found. down two. hurry. SEND.
later on i get a funny text saying 'are you sure you mean that?... wrong number, hun?' frowning... confusion.... eh? OMG! well, that wont be embarrassing when i get home! my step dad's name is Phil.... and the text i sent him went something along the lines of this: 'hey babe, missing ur hands all over my body.. cant wait for next weekend... bring massage oil' or something awful like that... god knows what my step dad was thinking - probably, 'i wonder what they are going to do with that massage oil'.... sigh! but it was ok in the end, because when i got home he looked and me and smiled, saying quietly 'why dont we just pretend this never happened?". thank. god.
only every time i send a message to my boyfriend, i have to be really careful what button i press!!




sorry if that was boring!! :)
(bite_me38, Tue 31 May 2005, 9:42, Reply)

this one's bad, can't believe I forgot
Depending on the mood of the day or whatever, me and my mates sometimes call each other "nigger". We're white and mean it in the same way bad ass gangsta rappers (tm) do - all nice and cheery.

Anyway, I inadvertantly text my mums mate asking the nigger what time she was coming round.

She is as black as the night. Ouch.
(Jibbed, Tue 31 May 2005, 9:33, Reply)

Caught out via text.
Ono!

I was seeing this girl who, quite honestly, was the most wonderful girl I have ever had the pleasure of erm, well, pleasuring!

We were due to meet up in a hotel in Hatfield and I thought I would send her a quick text to let her know I was looking forward to it.

Out came one of my most slushy, awful love-texts ever!

The text read: "Help. I've come to the sad conclusion that my body is addicted to you. I can't wait to be with you again." and some more slush followed.

Trouble is, she'd left the phone in the hands of her Husband.

Oops. I forgot to mention that part!

Haven't seen her since.

D'Oh!
(darth_sane, Tue 31 May 2005, 9:23, Reply)

Another mate...
In the presence of a new member of staff my buddy was having a 'self concious' moment feeling very uncomfortable as she was so pretty. He'd gone to meet her to assist with problem of not being able to pass an exam. After exhaustive practice testing it was obvious her problem was not with the content of the exam but the pressures of exam conditions.

What happened next is now famous in our team. She was discussing the fact he had a calming nature. He actually meant to say 'I really wish I could come into the exam with you'. What he actually said was 'I really wish I could come inside you'.......

Nice. Lenth is relative don't you think
(ElGatodeBarco, Tue 31 May 2005, 9:21, Reply)

In my mobile's phonebook
"Girlfriend Mob" is right under "Girlfriend Home" and given that resedential numbers will actually "speak" the text message when you send one now, my onosecond came after sending a bit of a rudy to her house phone.

Imagine a Ste Hawking style voice telling her dad, "I want you to suck my dick you bitch."

The upside is he thought it was a prank phone call and I got away scot free, the cock sucker.
(Jibbed, Tue 31 May 2005, 9:13, Reply)

Woo first post
One of my mates was at home one sunny afternoon thinking about his girlfriend who was busy in class at the local college.

He rather smugly sent this text message "Hey you, go and get some work done and stop thinking about my cock".

Which he inadvertently sent to his Father.
(Fearn, Tue 31 May 2005, 8:22, Reply)

An Ono second, you say...
In NYC I found a postcard with the words "War is Over! ...if You Want It" written on it while walking past the Dakota building...

*crickets* ...gets jacket
(Kitsune-chan I'm not a bunny I'm a grownup girl, Tue 31 May 2005, 7:04, Reply)

Lots & Lots of ONO Moments
Right, so had pulled this lovley young male in a club and was going to meet him the next night. when i woke up i was rather hungover and couldnt remeber *how* good looking he was.
Sent said message to mate
"Call me at 9.00pm and pretend your my sister and i have to come home immediatly in case guy is proper munter and nd to make quick escape"

Didnt send it to my mate did i.

Im surprised the boy even turned up in the end, cue worst most uncomfrotable date ever.

I now double check who im sending my messgaes to. Keyes lock has saved my social life in relation phoning people accidently

Another, was in ladies toilets talking graphiclly to my mate's bout of a boy that had a girlfriend who had recetly been giving me a right good seeing to. Friend, asked boys full name, girl next to me turned round and said it was her bf i had been doing the dirty with.. That was a an onomoment from hell.

Another one was when i was 15 and shallow and seeing a guy whos hair was gignger and brighter than the sun, so bn 15 and shallow i dumped him. Via text message. Didnt think anything of it when i didnt hear back from him til the next few days he kept turning up at my door, phoning, acting normal. Me being scared of confrontaion just thought he was being nice or was in denial. Turned out he hadnt got my message, there was a proplem wit his phone. He got it a week later and went mad at me for being a bint and dumping him via text.

Said brush had made wary of all men ginger and a few months after, i had the pleasure of going out with this lovley young male who always wore a hatt or met me at night? Why? Becase i had been bitching bout gnger people being products of satan. The fucker was ginger, was his best m8 that told me in the end.
(StrangeKristine, Tue 31 May 2005, 3:03, Reply)

sheeeeeeee.t.
i'd been seeing a girl for a few weeks and didn't know whether i wanted it to go any further. i know she REALLY liked me but I'm not sure I could say the same back, so being a man I texted her to end it. 5 minutes later I texted summit along the lines of 'i've dumped her let's go for a pint' to my buddy. a few minutes later i get the same message sent back to me by her. with a 'cheers for that' tagged on the end.
bollocks.
(DELETE_ME_PLEASE, Tue 31 May 2005, 1:14, Reply)

not me but a friend
she was really geeky and so decided to draw a picture on the white board of our overly tarted up old english teacher.

Our teacher enters and is not best pleased by the picture and so asks her to erase it.

The look on the poor goody 2 shoes girls face when she realises that she's used permanent marker.

it's about quality not length
(maccad, Tue 31 May 2005, 0:54, Reply)

passengers/sheep
Working as a bus driver,in the wonderful capital of Wales,shit money, arsehole taxi drivers,things get a bit stressed to say the least.Anyways I likes to smoke,and the bus co dont like you smoking and driving(sackable offence).After 2 hrs without a smoke i was fucking gasping and sees one passenger left,fat smelly bitch she was,she gets off,I shuts the door and loudly abuses her (out of earshot coursei,m not that daft).Now when im on my own anybody and everybody gets an earful.Lights a smoke up and proceeds to verbally abuse all and sundry that gets in my way(great stress reliever apart from ramming fucking taxis who cut me up).after driving for a mile or so puffing away swearing my head off and singing...........the stop bell rings and this little old lady behing wants off...OH FUCK...After 2 weeks of expecting a call from the manager with my fuck off papers i got away with it, woohoo.NO apologies for length blah blah blah all the usual bollox but its my first post and I dont care.....P.S TAXI DRIVERS YOU ARE WANKERS
(andycrass loves two hats on, Tue 31 May 2005, 0:17, Reply)

Not an electronic one but
I was typing away at a terminal several years ago when a voice behind me said "What are you doing?"

I was having a bad day so as I turned around I replied with "As little as possible", only to see the branch head (and executive board member) behind me, doing one of those "I'll pretend I give a toss about you" gladhanding exercises.

I managed to pass it off as a joke, but I know he didn't believe me.

I still work for them.
( finnbar has officially retired, Mon 30 May 2005, 23:15, Reply)

Disciplinary hearings at work
An office. A sleazebag.

He sat next to me and we hated each other. He was barred from visiting the Human Resources department (100% female), because he would drop in for a chat daily and waste half an hour of their time.

Anyhoo, I heard him on the phone one day saying he had to visit them, and was amused to hear him re-iterate several times that "yes, it's work related, honestly".

So I penned an email, that went roughly like:
`LOSER VISITS HR IN SHOCK WORK RELATED MATTER
A loser from Assessment today visited Human Resources to discuss something actually connected with his dull day job. Andy ***********, 12, of no fixed abode, was allowed to speak to HR on condition that he wasn't to stare at their clevages and dribble, or clap relentlessly like an overfed seal at some weak half-joke he'd made.'

Anyway, I sent it, probably unwisely, to the women in HR. I had imagined that it would give them something to giggle at while he stared at their clevages.

I didn't imagine that Andy would be drooling down the back of one of the girls as he helped her 'fix' her email. He then read it, had a hissy fit, forwarded it to himself, and proceeded to get me sacked on spurious email abuse charges.

Unfortunately for him I sent it during my lunchbreak, plus he was roundly despised by everyone with a womb for being a sex pest. If my job was seriously on the line, I had at least one friend willing to offer the sexually explicit emails he'd been sending her at work. The others didn't want to cause a fuss. Don't count on anyone when you're in the shit.

Nevertheless, we had to go through with the tedious and timewasting disciplinary hearings whereby he said I was the sex pest as he'd suddenly decided within the hour that he was bisexual. Shame that I and no-one else knew that, and I couldn't have cared less anyway.

It came to nothing, many people said it brightened their week (including two managers), and I got drunk for free for at least two days, mainly from women and the company football team. There is a god.

By the way, that moron has switched jobs and is still out there sleazing his way through women and cheating on his missus who apparently 'doesn't mind'. He even pestered one of my female friends to stay the night within a few hours of dribbling at her, saying she could wear his girlfriend's clothes the next day. Womenkind, you have been warned.
(Boris Webshite, Mon 30 May 2005, 22:17, Reply)

Friends Reunited, how to lose a friend from
Neale, a lad I knew from school, got in touch via Friends Reunited. A good 15 years had passed since we last saw each other, and we drank our first drinks together to make up for lost time. And that was quite a lot.

Anyway, I digress. In the months that followed, I had been added to his email circulars, a new name among an enormous list of friends and relatives.

Sadly, it was one of those groups who like to 'reply to all', causing all sorts of new and unknown people to invade my inbox with trite and rather unamusing bon mots.

To be honest, I don't mind if the comments are actually funny, but not everyone's got the rapier wit of (insert name of favourite comedian here), so after a few hours of 'Billy who?' and 'Auntie what?'s comments, I RTA'd the list with "If you don't stop 'Replying to All' while I'm at work, I will gladly bombard this list with hardcore pornography.'

Sadly, not everyone has my wacky sense of humour. One oldie in particular claimed to be a magistrate or some such power weilder, and seemed keen to get me jailed for the threat alone, while Neale himself emailed me privately to ask what the hell I thought I was doing.

We no longer speak.
(Boris Webshite, Mon 30 May 2005, 21:24, Reply)

Well...
My worst onosecond was when I was getting on this Stagecoach bus and I was a penny short, but it didn't matter 'cos the driver was a part-time bouncer and I had trainers on.
(Anduril, Mon 30 May 2005, 21:17, Reply)

Dull day at work Onosecond
Crushingly early on a Monday, at a crap job at a lousy exam board in London. Yes, that one.

It must've been about 9.30am. Coultas comes over to say hello, while Gay Rog emails me the same sentiments. As I was chatting to Coultas and typing "How are you?" to Roger, I got sloppy.

Roger's email retort was "I'm super, thanks for asking", which some may recognise as a song by Big Gay Al from the Southpark movie. For no particular reason, I thought I'd Google for the full lyrics by way of reply.

Meanwhile, Coultas is yabbering his usual dross about saving the pigeons and the hairy marsupials, while I distractedly typed into the search engine, 'BIG GAY AL'.
At work.
On a Monday morning.

"Cock pop-up" is the nearest way to describe what happened next. Frantically closing one phallus window caused three purpler, angrier ones to appear in its wake. And nothing, but nothing, would make them go away, or stop the multiplying.

Standing up to physically block the monitor lest anyone walk into work that day to be confronted by men greedily tugging at each others winkies, I ended up having to switch the computer off at the CPU. I then left a crying-with-laughter Coultas to walk straight to IT to admit that "I've just been viewing hardcore gay porn at work by accident. Sorry."

I don't work there anymore. It was EDEXCEL.
(Boris Webshite, Mon 30 May 2005, 21:02, Reply)

Repeating what's already been said a hundred times...
Was talkign to the gf and some bloke I used to play Battlefied 1942 against and only knew online.

Of course talking to the gf and the conversation starts to get a bit "fruity" and the one witht he BF1942 bloke tals off until he asks for some help with his computer, sadly I forget which window I'm typing in and give hima vaguely descriptive description of what I was going to do to the gf. She laughed her dead off, he hasn't spoken to me since, not bothered really however there was some fast talking and explainign being done then.

Appologies for length, I'm crap at condensing things! (not funnny I know)
( Uncle Tom I command thee to wibble, Mon 30 May 2005, 20:58, Reply)

not a text but
Picture the scene, we're all sitting, working very hard in French in the IT room (read: playing games, B3TA has been filtered grr). Teacher spies the big red button, 'Pff Emergency Power off? That wont work!' and presses it! Beautiful onosecond before all the computers and lights die, and a very irate technition comes out and bollocks him!
(Anduril, Mon 30 May 2005, 20:41, Reply)

Oh no; 2nd
I did it this morning at work.
Got in after a crap weekend, discovered the night shift has unilaterly neatly rearranged my warehouse but not the way I agreed with the boss.

Now feeling a bit pissed off no one had asked me how I wanted my warehouse, I went to the early managers meeting. The duty manager then asked if everyone was ok to which I shouted "SHITE" then realised 2 senior types had snuck into the back of the meeting (on the shopfloor! In front of customers!!)

Oh no...................
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Mon 30 May 2005, 20:41, Reply)

Flatmate fume
Ex-flatmate Dave is a mucky, inconsiderate pup, and we began to fall out. One of my bones of contention was Dave yelling at me for a variety of flat-related escapades, yet nevertheless helping himself to anything and everything from my bedroom without asking. My A-Z often went missing for weeks on end, something I only discovered when I urgently needed it. Movies and books were constantly 'liberated elsewhere'. As a result I took to locking my door before I left for work. As Dave's freelance and nearly always at home doing not a lot, this barring from his favourite club must've killed him.

Petty? Yes.
But it cut down on arguments as I no longer had a huge reason to yell at him.

When the time came for us to part ways, Dave told me not to leave my door unlocked as the landlord had arranged for viewings that evening, so for the first time in three happy months, I left for work without locking my bedroom door. I returned home that evening after a day's work having my spirit forcibly eroded doing telesales for monkeys, to find flatmate Dave and his girlfriend in the living room.

Watching one of my dvds.

In unspoken, yet obvious 'Get out, we're concentrating' mode.

Incandescent with rage, I composed a text to a third flatmate along the lines of... "Within hours of me unlocking my door, that cunt's helped himself to one of my dvds and is currently watching it in the living room with his fucking bird."

*Send*

He's still taking the moral high ground on that one.
(Boris Webshite, Mon 30 May 2005, 20:20, Reply)

Bad Name
Was recently doing the naughty with my new guy when i screamed out the wrong name... Trouble was it was a gals name...He wasnt to impressed...But i am seeing him again tomo...
Yeah i realise this isnt a text email or the other one but oh well...





He had good length so i wont apologise
(Bhougal...hang me upside down from a banana tree and call me BERTTIE BHOUGAL>>>Oh Yeah...!!, Mon 30 May 2005, 18:52, Reply)

working for dad
Sitting in the pub with some mates, the conversation about "the most lucrative job youve ever done" came up, as you do sometimes in the pub stories get exagerated slightly & I proceeded to explain how when i'd been working for my dad (real company, real employee, slightly bent rules), he was paying me an obscene amount of money for doing fuck all, and most of the time I sat around pretending to work anyway... Checks phone for txts, oh wow ive been on the line to dads mobile, in my pocket for the past HOUR. Never worked there again :D.
(Miss_Blue, Mon 30 May 2005, 18:38, Reply)

Still married
A few years ago had a minor disagreement with the wife (that time again), so sent a text to a mate about women, hormones and the justification of phyical violence.
The 'onosecond' is actually the time between the wife's phone beeping, me realising my mistake, and me running out of the back door to aforementioned mate's house.
Oops
(Dr Hiss, Mon 30 May 2005, 17:19, Reply)