cloying, sugary, sing-song customer services voices.
"Good morning, how can I help?"

turns into

"Good MOR-niiiiing, Jennaaar speakin'how can I helpyouuuuuuuuu???"

If you sit near them they have exactly the same annoying, sing-song introduction, exactly like the voice you use with a toddler who has scraped their knee.

"Aww, have you scraped your knee? Aww, we'll we'll make it all better then won't we! Yes we will, awwwww".

edit: I work in customer services at the moment, and just use my normal, slightly sarky voice.
The girl sitting opposite me dribbles at customers as if they were four! Hiyaaaaaa! lol! I'll just put you through! Kay! Byeeee! lol!!

Facepalm.
( moohalaa, Sun 4 May 2008, 13:18, 7 replies)

Schoolchildren on the bus.
They have no manners!

They seem to think they can just push in front of people, with no regard for a queue.

The other day I was taking the bus somewhere and a whole herd of noisy little fucks thought they could push in front of me, despite the fact that I was first.

So I said "Oi! There's a queue here you know."

Even the bus driver glared at me. WHY?
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Sun 4 May 2008, 13:17, 3 replies)

People who slow me down
Classic strategies include:
* Taking ages to get a tenner out of a cash machine. ATMs have been around for over 30 years, you really should have learned to work one by now.
* Standing in a queue for a quarter of an hour without even making sure they know where their money is, never mind actually getting it out.
* Standing on the left of an escalator. It doesn't hurt to move over, so why do you glare it me when all I said was "Excuse me"?
* Old people who go to the bank or post office at lunchtime. When I'm old and have all week to go, I won't pick the busiest time of the day.
* Why is it that slow walkers always meander on the pavement so no one else can get past?
(lolwhites, Sun 4 May 2008, 13:14, 4 replies)

McDonald's
Ok here goes....My name's Phil and I work in McDonald's. There I said it.

Actually despite the stereotype of employing dull fuckwits it's not a bad job. In the store I work there's about 60 staff and only about 10 are absolute head-fucked idiots.

If you're 16-17 the pay's shocking...£3.40 start off with a pay rise every year of about 9 pence. If you make it over the 18 mark then you get paid minimum wage which isn't the best, but with it increasing every year ten it's not too bad.

My pet peeves of working there are...

1. Idiot staff. I know my job pretty well. I've been there about 18 months. There is one specific staff member who is a complete window-licker. He's been there over 10 years now and acts like he knows it all but doesn't have a fucking clue. He's 37 and is shaggin a 22 year old from there who is also an equal fuckwit a n d s h e s p e a k s veeeerrryyy slooowwwlllyyy.

2. Customers. I'm a very happy positive person. Myself and several other staff go out of our way for customers. The usual opening doors, smiling, ensuring that their order is correct and generally being happy people. Therefore please do not:

a) Treat me like I have no brain. I went to college and got pretty good qualifications. I am also a trainee manager so I know my shit.

b) Plain means plain. Nothing on it. I get it! Just say plain. If they get your order wrong everytime then I apologise...but I didn't serve you so don't blame me. If you ask for a plain hamburger with cheese then the word is 'Plain Cheeseburger'. Look at the menu.

c) Don't spend ten minutes looking at the menu and then order a Whopper. That is Burger King and we are not.

d) Same applies to Popcorn Chicken. KFC is 5 minutes up the road so if you want that then go there. I will happily serve you chicken nuggets/chicken sandwich/chicken legend e.t.c.

e) OK I won't spit/spunk/vomit in your burger. All you have to do is ask! (Just for reference we don't do any of the above due to strict disiplinary procedures (Getting fired) and the amazing recording equipment (Camera) pointing right at the dressing table where we prepare the food. And the fact that we are not gorillas. We wash our hands every half hour on front counter and every 15 minutes in kitchen. Obviously we wash them more if we touch bins or anything dirty. We aren't pigs.

f) If by any chance you do find a hair in your burger, the it is a hair from someone's head and not from someone's genitalia. For fuck's sake you can see through into the kitchen. Can you see anyone walking naked? Didn't think so. And there's lots of hot stuff in there so I don't think anyone would if they could. It is disgusting, and staff with long hair are urged to wear hairnets so we are not all moulting into food. It happens rarely and I find it just as stomach turning as you.

g) If by any chance we got your order wrong then we are sorry! It was a genuine mistake. Have you ever made a mistake? It happens man...

h) DON'T in any circumstances place the note in your mouth while you count the change in your pocket and then hand us the soggy end. You will have to wait longer while we wash whatever your mouth has been around off our hands. Would you lick your hand before shaking someone elses?

i) Don't tell us how to do our job. As I said, there are some fuck-wits but the majority of us are normal. We are trained in how to do things.

End of customer rant.

3) Lazy managers. They will stand there and watch you serve, try and stock up and clean. And then shout when things aren't getting done fast enough. And then shout even more when we run out of stock because we are doing something they should be. It's their job to make sure we're doin our jobs, but helping isn't a hard thing, especially if you can see we are struggling to do 6 things at once.

4) Littering cunts. You do know, as the signs indicate, that there is a fine for dropping litter? We can phone the police with your number plates and they will issue a fine. Especially if you have to drive past a bin before leaving.

5) Lazy parents. McDonald's is a kid friendly place. BUT we don't appreciate telling you to not let your children stand on tables and run around. A couple last week were letting their son run riot. Just sat there watching him run rings around the dining area. Then he ran into the corner of a table and they blamed us! Lots of blood, snot, screaming and shouting.
( sausagesucker just paid £5.00 for a cup of Tea!, Sun 4 May 2008, 13:09, 5 replies)

Jimmy Saville
Creepy.
(Axeman Jim, Sun 4 May 2008, 13:05, 5 replies)

10)
Opinion polls.

Right, there are thousands upon thousands upon thousands of these things every month, asking the publics opinion on virtually everything ever, al the time yes? yes? yes?

Err no actually, I have never, ever, once in my life been asked to give info on these, in fact I asked around and of everyone I know nobody could recall being canvessed either, so, where the fuck are they all coming from? are there 1000 people out there employed full time providing information on these things? do they just randomly spend all day going "yes, no, yes, not sure, undivided, yes, no, no, the 4th one was the nicest,maybe in 5 years time, twice but I didn't inhale, urgh!"

You have never asked my opinion ever, therefore all opinion polls are null and void until im asked.
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 4 May 2008, 13:04, 2 replies)

People who think they were part of a disaster, but wasn't.
I hate people who feel personally attached to disasters because they could have been part of it. Then happily boast about this to other people.

For example, take the recent heathrow crash landing. Was chatting about it in the pub, and this guy was like "Oh yeah!!! I was going to be on that flight, but i came back a day later instead" Then looks at everyone like he's so cool or something. Well what do you want? a fucking prize or something??

And of course you have the millions of people that were involved in 9/11 but weren't. "Ooh yeah I was on an airplane the day before! so scary isnt it!!?" No??!! its not!! And of course the tens of thousands of other people on planes that day that feel like they were part of 9/11 despite their flights being totally unaffected and no doubt 100s of miles away.

"I was in New York on the 5th!" were you??? Wow!!!! That must have been scary! I bet you were quaking in your boots at the time.. With no knowledge of what was to happen.. in 6 days time.. You fucking looser why even say that?

Arghhhh. They drive me mad.

Oh and finally the guy who paraded about the fact that he just missed the train which crashed at Hatfield a few years ago. Apparently he has nightmares about that?? YOU WEREN'T ON THE FUCKING TRAIN YOU LOOSER. You're about as attached to the Hatfield disaster as San Ying Yeng in Japan mate.
(Miggyman, Sun 4 May 2008, 12:51, 4 replies)

Creation "science"
For fuck sake
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Sun 4 May 2008, 12:49, 3 replies)

You can laugh about it or cry about it
I have a little list - they will never be missed:

People who don't do any research and make claims about random percentages of populations doing something a certain way.

People who think I should care about their concerns - here's a hint, anyone who pretends to be sympathetic without actually taking up your cause, is just pretending long enough to get you away from them. If I am concerned about something, I'll research it.

People who ask me if I "believe" in certain things; such as God, abortion, evolution, global warming...the answer is no. I accept facts, support rational concepts and work for causes that I believe have social and civic value. I believe in being kind to nice and small people. I believe in helping those who want and need my help. My moral compass does not swing to believe in things that either are factual concepts or are obviously irrelevant.

I despise bullies - always have; and ever since I shot up in height and muscle mass some 15 years ago, I have been all too pleased to show them the error of their ways.

I don't like proselytutes. If your god needs to be sold, then it isn't worth buying. Funnily enough, I also can't stand people who get worked up about some sweet old religious person wishing them a Merry Christmas or telling them to have a blessed day. It's a gift - take it in the spirit it was offered.

Whenever I hear some fella telling me how badly whipped I am, and how much manlier they are than I am, I automatically think "closet case," and "how tragic." Yes, I like women. I am not afraid to admit that I am and always have been fine with educated, thoughtful and self-driven women; even if I don't agree with them, they still attract me. I feel that docility equates duplicity. Like the old saying goes, "...the meek will inherit the earth, in three-by-six plots."

Pacifists. Not anti-war people, or those who object to armed conflict - the concerns of those who oppose war should be listened to before any nation decides to engage another. I'm talking about those bizarre subhumans who won't lift a finger in their own defense or in the defense of others. I feel that those people who rationalize laziness as some sort of ethical or religious choice should be implanted with remote cameras and microphones and dropped into some jungle or desert preserve somewhere, and their trials and inevitable deaths broadcast to a paying and blood-hungry public.

Pets,in general - dogs,cats,birds,fish,rodents,reptiles and amphibians...I get on fine with animals, but they piss and shit everywhere, break things in the middle of the night, and require special food and water. I love other people's pets just fine; and grew up around goats and horses and chickens and snakes, I just hate the idea of pets in my home. Grrr.

Women telling me they are pregnant - I never know exactly what to say. I don't think congratulations are in order for spreading your legs, catching something and deciding to keep it up there till it gets bigger. I have found the best thing I can say is, "oh...how do you feel about that?" And on that riff, I hate when new parents expect me to say anything nicer about their children than "Huh. He kinda looks like Gerald Ford." You do not deserve cheers and hurrays for fulfilling a biological function; but I can be sympathetic.

Little scrawny cocky idiots who try to pick fights with me. I'm on the taller side of average, freakishly broad with a big bullet head, and when I stand up, they back off, talking shit but backing away. That's the other part of them I despise - if you're going to fight me, fight me. Otherwise shut the fuck up - no one is impressed, no one's afraid of you, and I don't fight fair. I'm a nice, amiable guy who likes to sit at the bar and drink beers and laugh a lot, and I don't need to prove anything.

On that note, I hate it when people (even my friends) tell me they are intimidated by me. I try not to intimidate people, and I hate it when I find out it didn't work.

Mormons. Nothing brings out the Vlad Dracul in me like Mormons. It's a long story as to the reasons why, but really, I would not be too upset if terrorists blew up Utah and Missouri.
(aeon chicken Like the Millenium Falcon, only slower and noisier, Sun 4 May 2008, 12:41, 6 replies)

People that spit on the street
I mean, for fucks sake, theres an epidemic of TB in this country, and yet we still have morons spitting in the street.

Its unhygenic and just plain fucking nasty. Anyone that spits in the street is a prime candidate for retroactive abortion as far as Im concerned. In fact, lets just play it safe, and excise their whole line from the gene pool, both forwards and backwards.

Its the only way to be sure.

Oh, and cunts in cars yacking on their phones trying to kill me whilst Im on two wheels. Again, removal from the gene pool is the only way forward.

Id do the job for free, so its not even like it would cost society anything......
(CantSleepClownsWillGetMe Likes: Turtles, Sun 4 May 2008, 12:28, 1 reply)

Foreign language dubs.
Anybody in the western world over the age of 5 can read, presumably.
If you don't, you can't even read this rant, so bollocks to you.
So why do a lot of media still shun that miraculous invention known as subtitles?
Seeing an Indian archeologist explain his cultural heritage on NatGeo or Discovery, his Hindi speech overdubbed by an Apu Nahasapeemapetilon impersonator because the general public is presumably too thick to read subtitles and watch the screen at the same time ticks me off.

I thank my lucky stars that over here in Belgium practically everything, except kids' cartoons, is subtitled.
And even being in this privileged situation, a lot of Flemish don't speak French, a lot of Walloons don't speak Dutch, while this is really the only difference between both...
Hell, it's even cost-cutting, isn't it, they have to hire less voice actors!
(Caustic Armadillo consists at least 30% out of custard, Sun 4 May 2008, 12:15, 8 replies)

Headlice
.
Sorry for the "scratching heads" outbreak I've just caused....

To be more specific, parents who don't regularly check their kids' heads for these disgusting wee beasties. Thus ensuring that half the kids in the class end up lousy, quite literally. It only takes a few minutes, and if all parents took the responsibility, we could eradicate these beasts.

I just had to splash a tenner on some stinky liquid to leave on my kid's head overnight (yeah I could have got a prescription, but not til Tuesday and there's no way I was leaving it that long).

For the love of humanity, we have eradicated smallpox, we can cure cancer, transplant whole organs, why the hell can they not get rid of this plague once and for all??

Since my eldest started nursery, I have to deal with "visitors" occasionally, despite all the precautions. Long hair tied back, tea-tree shampoo and conditioner, regular "mummy baboon" sessions after school. And yet it keeps on happening. Why? Because there are some manky wee buggers at the school whose parents don't give a flying fuck, that's why.

I don't blame the kids - it's up to the parents. When I was a lass (and all this was just fields etc) the "nit nurse" visited school regularly, and letters went home to ensure something was done. If it kept happening, the parents were hauled into school for a meeting with the Headmaster. That rarely had to happen twice. Now, there's no money to pay the "nit nurse" so it's up to the parents. Some of whom can't be arsed.

Once again, my deepest apologies for the claw marks all over your poor heads, but I feel better for having got this off my chest (and the evil beasts off my kid's head).

Length - couple of millimeters or so ... and very, very dead.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Sun 4 May 2008, 12:06, 3 replies)

LOL etc
you know where im coming from.

And what i hate even more the
fact they got me doin it.
(kristofski6992, Sun 4 May 2008, 12:05, 1 reply)

Cilla Black
This woman pisses me off.

She's had so much plastic surgery that she now looks like the Chattering Cenobite out of Hellraiser (google it), and craps on about how great the sixties were. Because that was the last time you were even vaguely human, you mad cow.

Oh her appearance on 'Room 101' she revealed that one of her pet hates was 'food that isn't wrapped' because that's somehow unhygienic. How much of a sheltered, pampered showbiz lifestyle do you have to have for 40 years to develop a full-on phobia about food that hasn't been wrapped in cellophane by your butler? I bet there's not many starving third-world orphans with that phobia, you deluded, self-absorbed bint.

It gets worse. Like a large number of professional Scousers, she lives nowhere near Liverpool (she has a mansion somewhere near Henley I believe), but this doesn't seem to prevent her from carping on about how great Liverpool is (despite, like the Beatles before her, getting the hell out of there as soon as she could afford it) and having a go at anyone who criticises "her" city.

And she eats orange slices sprinkled with oxo cubes. That's just wrong.
(Axeman Jim, Sun 4 May 2008, 11:49, 3 replies)

at this very moment ...

PEOPLE WHO STAND BEHIND ME IN WEB CAFES AND LOOK AT MY SCREEN, BUMP MY CHAIR, MAKE TOO MUCH NOISE, AND SMELL UNWASHED.

IT'S NOT A FUCKING SOCIAL HANG-OUT AREA, IT'S A PLACE TO USE COMPUTERS.

PISS OFF AND GO HAVE A WASH WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, YOU STINKY CUNTS!
(Celerydemon, Sun 4 May 2008, 11:45, 1 reply)

AMERICANS
allow me to explain...

ready for a sad, wee story?

are you sitting comfortably? then i shall begin...

a few years ago, cracking under the pressure of a somewhat inevitable divorce, i packed a bag, donned my helmet, strapped the monkey (wooly monkey from the monkey sanctuary at looe in cornwall) onto the pillion seat and sped off into the distance for a month of transeuropean motorbiking escapism.

oh what fun angus and i had, barrelling down the autobahn at 140mph, eating bratwurst in the shade of the rathaus, zipping back and forth across alpine passes and generally doing what i wanted when i wanted.

and then i met her. a colombian stunner. seriously. and she kidnapped my wee angus and took him to switzerland and told me if i ever wanted to see my monkey again i would need to track her down and pay a visit. which is how she came to be known as mononapper (mono is spanish for monkey), or MNP for short.

so it was kind of handy that she made sure i had her address, phone number and so forth.

concerned for the wellbeing of my furry sidekick i mounted a rescue bid and hot footed my way to bern.

one of my better decisions...

i stayed with MNP for about a week, and what a week it was. i spent my days exploring the swiss hinterland on some of the best tarmac in europe and my nights exploring south america, so to speak.

which is where it gets relevent, just in case you were starting to wonder...

one evening we were on our way back from a lovely meal when, during a conversation about cultural and national differences MNP asked me what i would call someone from the USA.

my all too obvious answer was "an american, of course".

MNP was not impressed, pointing out that only a gringo would think that. after all america is a pair of continents and not a country. the arrogance of it! how would i like it if people reffered to me (a scot and proud of it) as simply european, putting me in the same bundle as the english?

fair point.

so the search was on to find the correct word, meaning someone from the USA and only that.

Yank won't do, it means someone from the northeastern states (i think!). american won't do cos it's not specific enough.

the only logical answer was (and i believe remains) UNITED STATESER.

think about it.

so a bit of a long distance romance ensued which was sadly cut short when MNP, holidaying in sri lanka, was amongst those killed by the tsunami.

so join with me and honour her memory. let's start a campaign to call them what they are, united statesers one and all!

and i never did get my monkey back.

sniffs and cries a bit.

length? 5,500 miles in 4 1/2 weeks.
girth? the entire circumference of the alps.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 4 May 2008, 11:34, 9 replies)

"One time"
That twat in the Fugees that says "One time, two time".

Lauren hill has a truly awesome voice, why does she sing with such a fucktard?
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sun 4 May 2008, 11:33, 2 replies)

What really pisses me off...
...being seven weeks too late for the Guilty Pleasures QOTW!

(/coat)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sun 4 May 2008, 11:24, 4 replies)

Tall cars with blackout windows
I'd love to own a large 4x4 with blackout windows.

However, owning, as I do, a regular car, I have come to loathe these beasts since becoming a regular driver.

The reason is not, as you might think, that they think they own the road. No.. I don't have a problem with their driving.

My pet peeve while on the road is that if I'm driving behind one of these cars, the fact that they're tall - and with blackout windows - means I can't see what the traffic ahead is like.

It's bad enough being stuck behind a van or lorry, but these private vehicles only exacerbate the problem.

What I hate the most is when I'm right behind one of these things, and it's moving slowly. Not being able to see any further ahead, I am therefore clueless as to whether there's a genuine slow-moving stream of traffic, or if the road ahead is clear but the driver in front is simply choosing to go really slowly. I therefore don't know if I should attempt to pull out and overtake or not.

It might seem like a minor thing, but it really pisses me off. I want to see the traffic in front of me; to be able to read the road conditions and react accordingly. Not just to rely on the brake lights of one single driver in front of me.
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Sun 4 May 2008, 11:18, Reply)

Move Along. Nothing To See Here.
.
My country, my beloved Britain, I weep for you.

The terrorists have won and the loonies have taken over the asylum.

The Labour Party, my party, have turned Britain into a totalitarian police state and we've let them do it. We've sleep-walked into 1984. All of the great freedoms, and a lot of the lesser freedoms are gone now and we'll probably never get them back. In a few short years Blair and his cronies have:

Destroyed Habeus Corpus. You can now be detained, indefinitely, in your own home for 16 hours a day. You can be tagged and forced to attend a police station everyday for the rest of your life and there's nothing you can do about it. There is no appeal. All it takes is for the Home Office to sign a control order and that's it. No charge, no trial, no right of appeal.

Destroyed the right to protest. If you disagree with the Government you can no longer march to Parliament to make your views known. There's a one mile exclusion zone around Parliament (and now, other places in Britain such as American Air Bases) where you cannot peacefully protest without a license. A license can be granted or or withheld on the whim of the police. Even if a license is granted, you will be subjected to unreasonable restrictions.

Freedom of Speech. You can now be arrested for your views on immigration, religion and sexuality. You can be arrested for reading certain websites or literature. You hear that? You can be arrested for reading a book!!

Torture: The Labour government are complicit in the torture of, not only, foreign nationals
but also it's own citizens. They have allowed Americas flights of Extraordinary Rendition to fly through our air space and to land and refuel on our soil. In these planes were people who had been detained by the Americans and who were flown to countries where the could be tortured under the watchful eye of our American Allies. Gitmo is a fucking holiday camp compared to where some of these poor bastards ended up. And I don't *care* if they're terrorists. If they're terrorists, and you have evidence, try them and shoot them. If you have no evidence then you *have* to let them go. You can't just fly them to countries where torture is allowed.

The Right To A Trial By A Jury Of Your Peers. We've still got this but not for much longer. The Labour Government has tried once to abolish trial by jury and they'll surely try again.

The Right To Silence. Gone. You now *have* to answer the questions the police put to you or, if you refuse to answer then you can't later explain yourself in court. You have no right to silence.

Privacy: You have no right to privacy. You have no right to keep private even encrypted files on your computer. If the police ask for your encryption key then you have to give it to them even if you haven't been charged with any crime. Refusing to do so is a crime in it's own right. It doesn't matter if your private files are your deepest secrets or just old love letters. You have no right to keep them secret from the state. You have no right even to your own finger prints and DNA. If you are arrested your finger prints and DNA are the property of the state forever after. Even if you are never charged and never found guilty, you've still lost the right to your own DNA. Most Brits, especially in cities, are photographed hundreds of times a day. You have no right to see these pictures of yourself but the State has. Soon you won't even be able to travel where you want without giving the State first your fingerprints, then your retina scans, and later your DNA. These are no yours, they're the states.

I could go on and on about other freedoms we've lost since 1997 but I'd be here all day.

All this is being done in the name of security. To prevent terrorist attacks. We lived for over 20 years with much scarier terrorist, the IRA, who bombed and shot at us and killed far more than Bin Laden and his bunch of incompetents. But we didn't feel the need to lose our freedoms over them.

Oh. And I forgot to mention one of the things that *really* pissed me off about The New World Order. Detention, without trial or without charge, for up to 28 days. And that was a compromise. Blair wanted 90. Think about that. You can be lifted by the Police without warning and without evidence and held for a month. You can't see your family, your kids, your friends. No newspapers, no news, no idea what your boss thinks of this. Then you can be questioned, relentlessly, for 28 days solid. Then released without charge. "Don't do it again son!". What a fucking lovely weapon to control us.

And all this is being done in our names, in the quest for "security".

But,you've got to ask yourself, "Who's security?"

When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty. - Thomas Jefferson

Thanks for listening. Normal service will be resumed soon.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 4 May 2008, 11:18, 32 replies)

I fucking hate
people who pronounce the word ASK as ARCS

It's 3 fucking letters - how can you not get it right?

You utter utter utter utter complete total cunts
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Sun 4 May 2008, 11:10, 4 replies)

just a short list
4x4 drivers (obviously)

Heather Mills

Wankers on trains with mobile phone music.

The libertines being famous

People that act like they have to prove themselves the whole time. And belittle you for no good reason because of it.

People that "worked in a pub kitchen for 6 months" and think they know everything about both restaurants and the entire catering industry

People who shout at sales staff in shops. like its their fault the manual is still in the sellophane wrapper.

People that don't hold doors open for women.

Women that get annoyed with having the door held open for them.

Windows Media Player

i could go on...
(Flobby Boris is returned to /talk from the northern wastes., Sun 4 May 2008, 10:38, Reply)

Oh yeh, and another thing that has been REALLY getting to me lately,
a certain ignorant twat who never admits their ignorance and never listens to anyone, yet won't fucking shut up giving 'advice' to everyone around them.

I have WAY more respect for anyone's opinion if they listen and try and understand occasionally and especially if they sometimes admit they don't know enough about a certain subject to form one.

Pretending you know all about everything makes you seem clever only to the very stupid and ignorant, but to everyone else you're just a loud mouthed cunt, and if you learnt to listen now and then you might actually learn enough to stop having to pretend you know what your talking about, and folks may actually listen to you, and not just glaze over till you go away, then call you a stupid cunt behind your back.

It's called basic social skills, otherwise known as life, you should try participating sometime, you prick.
( ..wil, Sun 4 May 2008, 10:32, 1 reply)

People.
I just hate people.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sun 4 May 2008, 10:28, 2 replies)

Wii games designers
My daughter put our controller through a light fitting last night playing tennis. Bugger.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Sun 4 May 2008, 10:19, Reply)

look at them,
sitting there. Like cunts.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 4 May 2008, 10:06, Reply)

Work Cunt
The cunt who sits next to me at work. Everyone else in the office comments on the state of his desk (mouldy coffee cups, chocolate bar wrappers, random bits of paper) but the desk pales into insignificance when compared with its occupant.

A big tall guy in his 30s who still lives with his mum and smells strongly of cabbage (maybe it's because of a metabolic disorder he has no control over, but he still fucking stinks). Occasionally he covers it up with Lynx or some other evil smelling concoction, which just makes it even worse.

When he arrives at work he has to ring his mum to reassure her he arrived safely. This invariably begins "Hello, I'm in *insert full name of office* now". (why can't he just say "I'm at work"?) Then there follows a two minute discussion about the weather and how he was lucky to have brought his waterproof coat today as it looks like rain.

He brings a man-bag to work so he can bring his organic nut and lentil bars and fair trade 90% cocoa from Sumatra chocolate bars in with him. These he eats noisily, so noisily, in fact that most of the people sitting in his immediate vicinity have taken to wearing headphones in the office.

I have had the misfortune of supervising this twat for a couple of years and while he's pretty OK at his job, I've had to put up with long winded requests for leave because "I want to bring mum shopping as it's a lovely day" and "there's a pair of MBTs in the shoe shop I want to try on". OK, I'VE SIGNED YOUR LEAVE APPLICATION FORM, NOW FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!

And everyone comments on what a lovely polite gentleman this guy is... yes, but just wait until review time comes around and he thinks he should get a prize for doing the same job as everyone else, and aggressively argues this with his line manager. The arguments are poorly constructed, and often don't relate to the work done in the year under review, so they are invariably shot down. Twat.

I've now been assigned a different team and have been able to move desks so I no longer have to put up with this. Thank fuck, as I have been contemplating going down the local hardware shop and coming in with a chainsaw.

Oh yes, and I hate cunts in 4x4s as well. Surprised?
(drfeck pissshitfuck, Sun 4 May 2008, 10:06, 2 replies)