One that I haven't seen mentioned yet but always gets under my skin
...adult women who think it makes them cute, somehow, to use baby talk.

My ex wife used to do this, no matter how often I asked her not to. It wasn't "spaghetti", it was "sketty". They weren't "sandwiches", they were "sammiches". And so on.

No, it is not cute. No, it is not funny. In fact, it makes me want to give you a full-arm bitchslap. As I am a reasonably civilized person I never did it, but the temptation was enormous.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 6 May 2008, 13:44, 10 replies)

1. Same Difference
not the creepy brother and sister act who sings love songs to each other, but the saying
When people say same difference, it annoys me. I've no idea if it is good English or not, and quite frankly I don’t care. People say it to mean the 'its the same thing'.
If I were asked to define the term 'same difference' I would think it was more like having a red square and a blue square, the difference between them is the colour, the difference between the purple circle and the orange circle is also colour, it is the same difference. Yes, I am a shape racist.
I’m probably being ignorant of the English language, in which case my pet peeve is people who aren’t on the same level of ignorance as me.

2. Loud Eating
Not just people who eat with their mouth open, but also the people who eat with their mouth closed but make that vomit inducing squishy noise brought on by what I can only assume is an excess of saliva. One of my good mates is guilty of this and I have taken to either distancing myself from her when she eats or eating at the same time so I have something else to distract myself.
Same goes for people when trying a little sip of wine or a little bite of food smack their tongue on the top of their mouth GAHHH!

3. People who laugh at my hands
When counting from one to five on your fingers, the majority people go Thumb, Pointer, Middle, Ring, Little. Now I have an apparently retard ring finger that I cannot lift unless my little finger is already up. So when I count I go Thumb, Pointer, Middle ,Little, Ring. And people always laugh, why is my spazzy finger funny? you wouldn’t laugh at a people whos legs wont work would you? Or would you? Wanker.

4.
People who make the bus going to Poole stop to ask is it is going to Bournemouth. No, it isn’t, and if the fact that it says Poole on the front of the bus, and that Poole is in the completely opposite direction to Bournemouth, LOOK AT THE FUCKING TIMETABLES! Every single other bus that stops at your stop every 10-15 minutes not only goes to Bournemouth, but says it on the front.

5. They are not potato wedgies.
That would surely be to get a potato stuck up your arse. And I am afraid that we don't offer those sort of services at the Bournemouth Uni student bar. They are potato Wedges, talk properly you are at Uni, if you cant even read a menu, how are you going to write a whole dissertation?
(ecilA Alice...has nothing to do, Tue 6 May 2008, 13:44, 2 replies)

#723 People who ask for a phone number
then say "ooh let me get a pen" when you relay the number back to them.

*fumes*
(Reverend Samson Fapohunda B3tan, B3tan, B3tan, B3tan, Tue 6 May 2008, 13:42, Reply)

Women
hang on a second im not talking women in general, but my pet peeve does seem to be a trait exclusively associated with the fairer sex

So, women. Why do you see the need to have 23 different brands of bathroom products when 3 would surely be enough for the job. My flatmate happens to be female and I just counted: 6 different shampoos, 3 different shower gels, 3 conditioners and 2 bubble bath bottles. Seriously why?!

Is it one for every day of the week, or one for long hair one for curly one for slightly shinier? Or is it another of these womens tests to show that we aren't paying attention. I'm personally waiting for the following conversation:
Me: Hey
Female friend: *silent treatment*
Me: Whats up?
FF: Nothing *more silent treatment* Its just that I started using this new 40% more shine 20% more volume shampoo today instead of head and shoulders, but you haven't noticed. You never notice. You never pay any attention to me
*walks off*
Me: WTF?

As you may have guessed I'm a guy, and one bottle of own brand shampoo and one X brand "for men" shower gel (yeh i know it's the same as the rest but I would rather buy that than see the till girl's expression when I present her with the latest cherryblossom and magnolia version) is enough for me.

Surely ONE bottle of shampoo, ONE bottle of shower gel, and (as you are women) ONE bottle of conditioner will suffice. Perhaps then there will be space around the edge of the bath for my stuff rather than it having to be up on the windowsill. AAAARRGGHH

*POP*

Apologies for length etc, be gentle on me i'm new ;)
(ChunderThunder, Tue 6 May 2008, 13:41, 2 replies)

People who...
...Can't quite grasp the english language when either talking or writing (I know i may not be perfect, I apologise)

...assume that I'm stupid because I work behind a bar. It's a career path, I have a business degree and i'm taking it easy for a while and working my way up.

...misquote movies, books, TV shows, song lyrics

...can't breathe silently, or through their noses

...spit in public
( Mister B is eating an icanhazcheezburger with lmaonaise, Tue 6 May 2008, 13:40, Reply)

PEOPLE WHO SHOUT IN TEXT
I CAN'T STAND READING EMAILS OR POSTS ON (OTHER) FORUMS (FORA?) WHERE THE WRITER HAS NO IDEA THAT CAPITALS ARE THE WRITTEN EQUIVALENT OF FUCKING SHOUTING!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 6 May 2008, 13:40, 7 replies)

Am I too private?
Maybe I should 'take a chill pill' but it annoys me when someone at work asks me what I'm listening to on my ipod. Why? Also, if they see me slip a book into my bag as I nip out for lunch, it's: "What are you reading?" - "It's a fucking book, OK?" what difference if it's J-P Sartre or J.K. Rowling?? Why do you want to know? Are you compiling a dossier on me? Go away.

Oh yes, neighbours. God forbid I should wash my car outside my house - if I had a pound for every time some twat said "You can do mine after"...I'd have enough for a jet wash. Or when I'm cutting the 100ft bastard 7ft high privet hedge..."Got a job there!" they kindly remind me as my shins are barked by the step ladder steps and the sweat patches on my back and chest get bigger.

Oh, and why is it that EVERY SINGLE TIME I put my ipod on, I have the 'L' phone in my right hand and the 'R' one in my left and have to swap them over. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Yeah, and ladies: if you don't want blokes gawping at your cleavage - PUT THEM AWAY, don't go glaring at me like I'm some sick pervert for glancing at your wobblies if they are out on display, what do you want?

And the rest of you: just stop it will you? It really annoys me, so don't do it. It's like the dwarf with an IQ of 65 - it's not big and it's not clever.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 6 May 2008, 13:39, 14 replies)

Okay, so here's the second of my pet peeves.
Ignorance.

That's it, just ignorance. It can take many forms...

(All of these are descriptions of real experiences)

Sitting in the outside lane of the motorway while the inside 2 are empty, oblivious to the miles of angry drivers stuck behind you? Then you're ignorant.

Standing with your shopping trolley in the junction of 4 aisles at the supermarket, chatting to your mate (with her trolley) and blocking all 4 aisles? Then you're a fucking ignorant prick.

Jumping onto the bus/train/tube/whatever and blocking the door so that no-one can get off? Then you, my friend, are a cunt - and an ignorant one at that.

Sitting next to me on the train and sticking your arms and legs out so I have no room and you take up 3/4 of the seat? Well you too are an ignorant bastard, fuck you very much.

Having a drink with a meal, finishing your drink faster than your husband, then starting his because it's easier than going to get a refill, even though he's told you many times that it really annoys him? That's just fucking ignorant, I'm afraid.

I'm sure you get the idea by now.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 6 May 2008, 13:30, 3 replies)

I am a zen master

I can face the longest queues, the loudest of screaming shit stinking chav spawn or even having all of my money stolen by a German with my identity with aplomb and reason.

However, if I'm reaching down behind a piece of furniture at full arms length trying to plug in some electronic wizardry and try as I might it won't slot home, it just won't click into place...


I go cat shit Incredible Hulk mental.


I can't put my finger on why this bothers me so much. I think it's because it should be such a simple opereration, but ends up being complete puke.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 May 2008, 13:23, 2 replies)

the guy living below me...
...must be deaf like paul kay in 'it's all gone pete tong' because he inSISTS on playing his horrid trance/dance/crap music so loud every fucking day.
I assumed that he needs to feel the vibrations to 'hear' the music. Right?
Wrong. He definitely heard me banging on the floor that time he was playing the music loud at 2am cos he turned it down. He's not deaf; he's a dick. And I HATE him.

...he's doing it right now! wail!
(saf, Tue 6 May 2008, 13:22, 4 replies)

RIGHT
Here's a list. Apologies for shouting, but this is the 'angry' thread and I think it's justified in this instance.

1) CYCLISTS WHO GO THROUGH RED LIGHTS WHEN PEDESTRIANS ARE CROSSING, OR WHO USE THE PAVEMENT WHEN THERE'S A PERFECTLY SAFE CYCLE LANE ON THE ROAD (I don't actually mind them doing it when there's no safe alternative).

Anyway, you FUCKING losers. Who do you FUCKING think you are? Do you OWN the road? No. I KNOW the streets of London are ludicrously unsafe for cyclists, I KNOW there should be much better investment in cycle lanes, but for FUCK'S SAKE don't take it out on the rest of us.

2) THE 'TASTE THE ADJECTIVE' SCHOOL OF FOOD ADVERTISING.

I don't want '36-day aged shibboleth of Rutland back beef garnished with Umbrian Parmigiano, jilted spinach and a jalapeno and courgette jus, in a crusty poppy-seed bun'. I want 'BEEFBURGER'. GIVE ME BEEFBURGER, WANT BEEF NOW. None of this food porn shite.

3) BRIDGE PLAYERS.

Who the fuck decided to make bridge the preserve of pretentious wankers who sit there in complete silence the whole time and criticise anyone who hasn't been playing since birth? Why does playing a game have to be such a horrible, alienating experience? WANKERS.

I'll think of more but I might burst an artery first.
(sjflangehound, Tue 6 May 2008, 13:10, 6 replies)

New Car Snobs.
You know the type, they've just got rid of the 57-plate anonymous Eurobox to replace it with an 08-plate anonymous Eurobox which they spend all day washing.

This annoys me all the more, because I drive a rather nice old 1981 Citroen CX Break which everyone calls "the Ghostbusters car". Being a fairly old car, it uses fairly old technology, and being fairly old technology it needs a certain amount of care and attention. So once a week I pop the bonnet, check all the various oils (engine, auto gearbox, diff and hydraulics), water (7 litres, 50/50 antifreeze even in hot weather), belt tensions (four of 'em) and generally give it a good check over. If I'm really enthusiastic I'll give the suspension pivots a squirt of grease for good measure. This helps keep my car in fairly good condition for its age, and means that if I see any impending problems I've got plenty warning and I can fix them before it becomes a funny noise, a little red light and a loud sucking sound from my wallet.

New Car Snob Neighbour *always* comes across and says "Oh, broken down again has it?"

No, it hasn't broken down. It has never broken down, because I spend about as long as it takes to drink a cup of tea checking and sorting the things that are likely to break. Fuck off.

Last weekend I had the front wheels off so I could adjust the handbrake (yes, front. It's French).

"What's broken on it today then?", says NCSN.
"Nothing, I'm just tightening up the handbrake"
"Oh you can't work on brakes yourself, what if you make a mistake?"
"Well since I've been fixing cars for 20-odd years, I hardly think that's a problem. I'm less likely to make a mistake than the spoddy git at Kwik-Fsck, am I?"
At this he launched into his tale of garage woe - apparently he'd just had the front brake pads and discs replaced on his car at *enormous* expense (can't remember exactly, but around 1500 quid).
"WTF, I've never paid that much for a whole car, shouldn't that be under warranty?"
No, apparently it's not warranty because it's wear and tear. So there you go - a month's wages blown on something that is an afternoon's job at most. So much for snobbery.

Sorry about the length, but if I had the Loadrunner version the second rear axle would make it three feet longer.
(gordonjcp, Tue 6 May 2008, 13:07, 2 replies)

Bad Table Manners
This is the one human trait in life designed to make my blood boil.
If you can't eat quietly/with your mouth closed then you just shouldn't be allowed to eat. Full stop.
To the lady growling at her apple on the train to Reading sometime in August last year.. yes I was the one glaring at you and twitching with incandescant rage.
This is because you eat like a cunt.
To my ex father-in-law.. The noise you make when you eat is reminiscent of a dog lapping up another dog's shit. I do not want to see what's in your mouth, nor do I need to hear your teeth clomping together at the end of each mouthful.

SHUT THE FUCK UP!
(Peek_a_Boo forgot how fun B3ta was until, Tue 6 May 2008, 13:04, Reply)

I love my wife
but I could cheerfully strangle the last flicker of life out her when she proceeds to help herself to my chips after assuring me (usually more than once) that she doesn't want anything from the chippy.
( Ramsay Tupper, Tue 6 May 2008, 13:04, 9 replies)

Hubby
The word "hubby" when being used to describe my position in the family unit as used by my wife when she introduces me to one of her wonderful friends or colleagues.

Call me her husband, sex slave, other half, useless fucker or meal ticket (probably not) and i don't mind but please, please don't call me hubby.

Fair enough i do refer to her as the "the wife" a good bit of the time.
(Harold's hip man!!, Tue 6 May 2008, 13:00, Reply)

Cinema Adverts
I know cinema ads pay for the film and whatever, and I don't mind the short ones too much.

Recently, though, a new one has appeared for Radio 1. It takes about eleventy-billion hours and involved all the DJs talking about why they like music and then saying their own names while adopting a pose that I guess is supposed to look cool.

It goes on FOREVER.

From now on, I'm going to arrive twenty minutes late to a film so I only have to see the trailers...

Avoiding adverts of any kind: part of the reason why I no longer have a TV.

/endrant
(YayLady is cold, Tue 6 May 2008, 12:58, 5 replies)

English plurals/Latin plurals
In most cases it's perfectly acceptable to put an English suffix on a word where there is a widely-used foreign-language variant plural.

Virii is correct, but so is viruses.

Lemmata is correct, but so is lemmas. Ditto formulas/formulae.

But the one everyone (including my girlfriend) gets wrong is OCTOPI.

OCTOPI is not a word. The word 'octopus' has its roots in the Ancient Greek 'okto' meaning 'eight' and 'pos' meaning 'foot'. 'pos' pluralises in Ancient Greek to 'podes'. The Latin equivalent, 'pes', pluralises to 'pedes'. Neither 'pos' nor 'pes' pluralise to 'pi'.

So if you're going to be clever-clever and use a funky plural for octopus, it's 'octopodes'. OCTOPI is WRONG. Or you could just say 'octopuses'. Thank you and good night.

(Oh, and the same goes for split infinitives. Splinfinitives are not 'wrong' as such. They are believed to be 'wrong' by certain individuals who base their rules of English Grammar on the Latin language, which has one word infinitives that can't reasonably be split. The English infinitive has two words and can be split legitimately.)
(sjflangehound, Tue 6 May 2008, 12:58, 9 replies)

Cancer and quad-bikes.
Today, I was standing outside a shop in the shopping center having a cigarette.

What I don't understand is this: why must every young mother pushing a pram decide to walk right past me (when the street, which is pedestrianised, is easily 10 meters wide) and then glare at me for giving their child cancer?

Do you think I WANT to smoke next to your baby? You could always have just gone over there a bit as you passed.

Oh, that and quad bikes. There's just no need for them. A four-wheeled motorcycle? Bleh.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Tue 6 May 2008, 12:57, 2 replies)

Oh, and while I'm on the subject
and I'm sure it must be mentioned by someone else on here-

Nuclear is not Nookeylar.

Mnemonics are not Newmanics, and they are not the same as acronyms.

And.... Cornish people DON'T say 'Oo-ar'. That's people from Somerset. So stop saying 'Oo-arr Cornwall' when I mention that I'm going there FFS!
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 6 May 2008, 12:56, 2 replies)

I'll do it later
Yes, of course you will. After you've finished watching the latest episode of Doctor Who, Torchwood, Lost, Heroes, all the DVDs of Eddie Izzard's standup, whatever tickles your fancy today.

After you've had lunch.

After you've read the newspaper.

After you've checked your email.

After you've looked at b3ta.

After you've chatted to a friend on MSN.

After you've sent some text messages on your phone. Oh, look! Some photographs that you took on your phone the other day, must put them on the laptop...

After you've checked out that billboard photo of David Beckham that they kept on talking about on the Now Show the other week.

I bloody hate procrastination.

I really wish I could stop doing it.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 6 May 2008, 12:54, 1 reply)

Bzzzzzzz....
Flying insects that are trapped in a room, buzzing near the same shut window for ages as if imploring you to open it for them so they can get outside and be all buzzy there.

So, you do, then they buzz to the other end of the room and throughout your entire apartment and decide to stay indoors and annoy the fuck out of you.
(Marmoset Bored bored bored of cnuting revision..., Tue 6 May 2008, 12:48, 4 replies)

This is a petty peeve.
When people take their toddlers/small kids into a supermarket and start FEEDING THEM OFF THE FUCKING FOOD THEY HAVEN'T PAID FOR YET. In a lot of cases this then turns into 'stuff empty wrapper onto a shelf so you don't have to pay for it at all', if there is a wrapper (i.e. might be loose food like some grapes)

it's THEFT.

/self righteous prick rant.

(I told you it was petty)
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 6 May 2008, 12:48, 2 replies)

"Size doesn't matter"
Don't fucking Lie.

If you have someone panting away behind you and you previously thought they were fingering you, There's a problem.
If it doesn't fit and you think and elephant is trying to finger you... There's a problem.

If you're trying to hump away at someone and you feel as though you're cock is lost in a clown's pocket... there's a problem.
If you've spent AGES eating the lady, she's relaxed and desite the willingness of both parties - you've been struggling to gain entry, There's a problem.

Size fucking matters.

Anyone who trots out that pale, benign and factually incorrect phrase simply hasn't had a size-related sexual failure.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 6 May 2008, 12:44, 6 replies)

Radio Bloody Four
I am an unashamed R4 addict. I have radios strategically placed throughout the house so that the Today programme is clearly audible during all aspects of dragging my sorry carcass out of bed, making it marginally less smelly, and fucking off to work.

One day I will murder in cold blood the Mrs for turning off Today when I am still listening. One day...

However, today on Today (didja see what I did there?) they obviously were using the reserve team. New boy Evan Davies.

Former BBC Economics Chap.

Interviewing the CEO of a fairly hefty bank.

Used the word 'dosh'.

'Dosh'.

Dumbing down? Now I know that I am (just)old and grumpy enough to be part of their key demographic, but what the zarking fardwarks is going on? Are they trying to appeal to da yoof? Is Today descending into sub-Newsround language to appease those who say that everything should descend to the level of the hard of thinking? Or is he just an annoying pus-filled buboe lurking within Satan's unwashed buttock crevice?

Growl.

With added Grrrr.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Tue 6 May 2008, 12:37, 6 replies)

So right... and ...
"I'm sorry to butt in but..."

THEN DON'T DO IT.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 6 May 2008, 12:37, Reply)

RAWRRRRR!
At the moment I'm learning German...seven (long ) years in to be fair.

What really annoys me, is when someone who doesn't speak that language...or worse still has done a 'few' evening classes stands behind you and gives a running commentary on what THEY think you're writing.

NO KLONEN IS NOT A TYPE OF MEAT! It's fucking German for cloning you cunts! and repeating every word i type in some sort of bastardised accent just makes me want to kick you. In the face.

It's not even the fact that they're attempting to to do it, it's just the sheer cunting arrogance that, "they will definitely be able to understand whatever you write, using logic" makes me want to shove all 600 pages of Hammer's German Grammar sharply up their anal passage....sideways....including amendments.

You think I went through all of this pain, thousands of corrections and feeling like utter wank to be told that anyone can understand it with logic. People wouldn't take PHD's in languages, if you could learn them in a week!

...and breathe
(The Magical Mr Q *is now banishing kittens*, Tue 6 May 2008, 12:36, 2 replies)

People who say "I'm not being funny right...."
No. You're not. Please stop talking.

*seethes*
(Reverend Samson Fapohunda B3tan, B3tan, B3tan, B3tan, Tue 6 May 2008, 12:35, 1 reply)

my mostly work-related peeves...
1. My work collegue who feels she needs to declare "Thank Crunchy it's Friday" every week. Just say 'fuck' for fucksake.

2. Bad science in adverts (a common one) pro-retinol etc

3. People who think stairs only work one way and come down them 3-abreast and assume that you are somehow going to vault over them to get our of the way.

4. People who stand at the top of stairs and talk on their mobile / to their collegues

5. People who can't seem to flush toilets

6. Sports commentators who say 'ohhh, that could have been a goal' - yes but it WASNT a feckin goal was it?

7. People who dont indicate.

8. Chavs playing horrific chipmunk dance anthems on loudspeaker on their mobile phones in public transport.


I'm sure there's many more more but i can't be arsed right now :)
(xendragon changing the bulb since, Tue 6 May 2008, 12:24, 2 replies)