Religion
The more jokes made about religion the better as it amuses me when they try and defend whatever made up thing they think is true. You know you are getting somewhere when a cartoon gets them angry ! I have had enough of all religion's and I hate the fact that they get any time on the tv / internet, the only time they should be mentioned is to poke fun at them and their followers NOT to promote them. They should be banned from schools for a start as telling them this is real is child abuse IMO. The more religious a person is, the more I pity them. I don't think they should all be put in Prison but they should have everything taken from them and given to the real people, there kids included.

As for places like Jerusalem, the crap hole that it is, so loads of Religion's think it's the place to be..... I would level it to the ground same with Mecca....no way should a bingo hall be that big....oh
(amsterdam_neild, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:26, 4 replies)

hmmm...
pretty much everything.
i need help....
( ivesb Highly specialised Clinical Physiologist crapbag, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:21, 1 reply)

Janet Street Porter
buck toothed ginger munter.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:20, Reply)

Well here's a few
Firstly, religious types.

Now, I accept people have religion, I think its good to believe in something (though I personally don't). Even organised religion is fine (except Scientology, that is just retardation in a cup). But when you hate someone because they don't believe in the same God you do, or think that I need to hear the words of Jesus, then that's just not on. I have no idea what happens when we die, nor do I try to have any idea, keep your views to yourself, thanks.

Teenage haters, you jsut get my goat. I am young by anyone's standards (16) but don't take that as an excuse to think I can't spell, have no understanding of the world, and worse as a person than you and that I "don't know im born". I know I haven't seen the world, I know I haven't worked a day in my life, but I also know that I am still equal to any of you, and so is anyone of my age (even chavs *gasp*) at the end of the day, we are all people and born equal.
Racist old people, you can just fuck off. No, "the blacks" aren't ruining Moss Side, it's not because they're black, its because they were born into poverty and can't change things, that goes for white people too. And anyone who claims "they don't know any better" is an outright liar, just because they were born 70 years ago doesn't make them stupid.

People who can't take a joke, you're all cock munchers. Yes, racist/rape/sexist/sick jokes are funny, I know they are wrong and sick, and that's why they're funny.

Fat People, you are ugly and there is a reason they don't make tank tops in extra large.
No, its not because you're big boned or because of your glands or because of your genes, its because you eat too fucking much.
Its quite simple really, you stop eating so fucking much and then when you walk past I wont be saying "We're manning the harpoons but they aren't doing anything"
I once saw a woman so fat she had to use an old people's mobile to get around, I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. Just how the funk can you get THAT fat that you cant walk? Surely when you realise "Hmm I can't see Father O'Malley because my stomach is in the way" that its time to cut down on things deep fried in lard and have a bit of salad instead?

I have neither length nor girth, its all about stamina.
(River of Squid has a variety of lemons in his pocket, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:20, 6 replies)

"Carbon footprint"
"Fair Trade" - Fuck off, they still get a shit wage, far less than they should and in a lot of cases get fucked over even worse

"Oh you're an Aquarius? Year of the Monkey?" Why is it that hippy types who want everyone to be themselves and be beautiful are the most dsperate to categorize people in clearly defined groups that can and can't get on. and worst of all, their reasoning is shambolic, based on absolutely nothing tangible.
( BlueHaze Chutney. All good., Fri 2 May 2008, 10:17, 5 replies)

People who use the word 'liberal' as a an insult.
Suddenly everyone's ashamed of being labelled as such. Well, fuck off, I believe in giving people a fair go. I'm liberal and proud of it.
( the_other_jeff_lebowski Croutons on my tits, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:17, 1 reply)

FUCKING HAYFEVER!!!
i am SICK of waking up on what should be a lovely day, only to find that my eyes are watery, my nose is streaming, my throat is scratchy and my head is full of wool-covered boulders.
i don't WANT to take antihistamines, many of which i'm allergic to.
i don't WANT to stay indoors on sunny days
i don't WANT to avoid going to the countryside, especially the lake district which is gorgeous.
i don't WANT to blow my nose every 2 mintes.

I DON'T WANT HAYFEVER!!!
(LIMES, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:11, 3 replies)

My Cat
hates it when I do her up the wrong-un.

That's one of my pet's peeves.


*runs*
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:10, 3 replies)

The Knit Your Own Yoghurt Brigade
We all know them.
They want to save the earth.
They want to campaign for organic living for all.
They want alternative energy NOW!
They're cunts!

These do-gooding fucking hippies have no idea about the real world. Yes, it would be nice to live in a free range, organic world but we can't all afford it.
I have a group of them meet at my pub, they sit around discussing how to make the town more environmentally friendly, they sit around in a big function room, they have the two electric heaters on, blowing out their energy wasting heat, and they leave the fucking door open.
They're the only group that meets here who leave the function room with the lights and heaters left on.
And these are the people who are going to save the planet.

We're all fucked
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:09, 1 reply)

Airport security
I posted this as a response, but as it is a peeve of mine, I'll throw it in the mix:

My job means I have to go 'airside' at many airports a lot of the time - usually for a 15 minute job.

The over-enthusiastic security (although I have a full discosure Scotland security clearance) means that this 15 minute job is inflated to some 3 or 4 hours thanks to the fact I have to go through an initial security check, then be signed in and escorted everywhere.

I can understand that airlines need to vett their passengers in case there is a mad bomber among them, but FFS - I work in the industry, I see the same security guys week in, week out, I have passes for many UK airports - why do I need to waste half my working day tied up in security clearances?

*and breathe*
( snee held his breath since, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:09, 2 replies)

Fuckin sexist women
Why is it that on that kinda bueno advert it is wholly acceptable for those horrible, perving, whore bags to lay a trap for that poor waiter, who is only trying to do his job, for the sole purpose to get him to bend over for their sexual gratification?

Imagine, if you will, if the roles were reversed. Fuck me!!!!
Court case, compensation, sexual offender’s register. Even if it were just an advert, can you imagine the sheer volume of complaints
Sexual harassment is sexual harassment. Why is it a light hearted joke if its a women committing the offence?
AHHHHHHHHHH it’s burning my fuckin brain just thinking about it.
(tedalaki - Like Purple Aki but better, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:09, 11 replies)

The wife...
Leaving bits of toast in marge.
Leaving piss paper in the bowl.
Shouting from room to another.
Talking to strangers.
Licking her fingers instead of using a napkin
Setting up the ironing kit, then sitting down watching daytime TV for "10" minutes.
Having that pissed off look whenever she looks at me....

Other than that, she's bloody wonderful.

Do you think I might peeve her?
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:08, 2 replies)

Tube Fatsos
I'm not tiny (13 stone), but still I manage to be catapulted into the air when some fat bastard plonks themselves down next to me on the tube.

What the hell are the seats made of?? Trampoline material??

And can't people sit down gently? Is that so hard?

Bastards.

I'm British though so obviously I wont say anything to them..
(mejt, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:03, 2 replies)

hmm.
- Incredibly fat people waddling from side to side when you're trying to walk past them.
- People standing around chatting in the supermarket or shopping center. THERE ARE PEOPLE TRYING TO GET PAST HERE YOU GASSY LITTLE CUNTS!
- People who drive with their nose two inches from the windscreen. WHY?
- Readers of the Daily Mail/Sun/etc - people who habitually use the words 'SCUMBAG' and 'YOB' and 'PAEDO' in conversation.
- People who are hugely against drugs, yet go out and get so pissed they can't see every Friday and Saturday night.
- Children walking around with little tiny telephones pretending they're boomboxes. It makes me piss myself with mirth, but it's still annoying.
- Windows. See, I work for a software house. People pay a lot of money for our software, and when it goes wrong they can speak to us on the phone. So why can't Microsoft do the same thing? And more to the point, why does it go wrong in the first place?
- Vacant bitches who constantly dote on their appearance. WHEN WILL THEY REALISE THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MUCH THEY GET THEIR HAIR DONE, OR HAVE PRETTY NAILS, OR TITJOBS - NO MAN WILL FUCK THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE UGLY AS FUCK ON THE INSIDE???!!!!
- Old people in cars. I don't think they're safe. They should be forced to ride bikes or trikes instead - then, when they crash, they'll be forced to take responsibility for their own actions.
As a biker myself, I have nearly been killed on many occasions by doddering old farts pulling out of junctions without looking or stopping in the middle of the road with no warning or signal, to pull into a parking space.
- Mouthy, obnoxious teenagers. You know - the 14 year olds that take the piss or go around acting 'ard. No word of a lie, if it were legal I'd happily kill every one of them just for a laugh.
- Parents who can't control their brats. IF IT'S SCREAMING, KICK IT IN THE TEETH! It's not hard to understand.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:03, 3 replies)

Commuters pay attention
If you are walking at the same speed as someone next to you, then move in behind/infront of that person. There is probably someone *me* behind you getting angry at your idiocy.

If you are walking in a narrow space wide enough for 2 people to walk abreast, don't fucking walk down the middle.

Try looking at your surroundings, in particular occasionally glance in the direction you are moving.

Reading a book / newspaper whilst walking down a train platform is stupid. Don't do it.

If you are too fat or born naturally and beautifully too big for one train seat, try and respect those of us that do fit in our chairs and not squash us against the wall, then try and read a fucking paper.

*deep breath count to ten*
(Reverend Samson Fapohunda B3tan, B3tan, B3tan, B3tan, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:02, 1 reply)

99.99% of the population
I fucking hate everyone especially when there are large crowds of people in one place. Why does being in large numbers make people even more retarded?
Do you know what - you can all fuck off!!!!
I've had it with the human race to the extent that I'm counting the days when it all comes crashing down.
I'm not even going to bother listing what I hate because it can all be summed up in one word- PEOPLE. Fuckin stupid fuckin people always in my fuckin way just fuck off you fuckin cunts.
(tedalaki - Like Purple Aki but better, Fri 2 May 2008, 9:59, Reply)

Some pet peeves
People who push buggies onto London buses and call me an ignorant bastard just cause I refused to move until they say "excuse me please".

Southwark Council. What a bunch of incompetant twats.

Oh, and people who voted for Boris Johnson. If he wins the London Mayor elections then London is doomed, doooooomed I tells ya. The guy is a bumbling idiot.

oh, and people who constantly think I'm Irish. I'm SCOTTISH ok. Not blinking Irish (although the Irish are nice people). You know, Scotland...that country North of the British Isles. Geez. Southerners :rolleyes:

edit: oh yeah, and people who can't work out how to use the self-checkout tills at Sainsburys...come ON...how difficult can it be. Seen someone yesterday hitting the 'Insert Card' message on the screen..what an idiot.
(scotsbloke, Fri 2 May 2008, 9:57, 1 reply)

The battle of the sexes
I was going to say "women". I was going to rant on about how despite claiming to "only want a nice guy", what they all really want is some flash over-confident wanker to treat them like shit and give them something to moan about at the office.

Then I realised that men are no better. Yes, we ARE attracted to big tits and a pretty face. A woman can be the foulest bitch on the planet, but as long as she's fit she can treat us like shit and we'll still come back for seconds. For example, the other week I was introduced to a young lady, she was educated, had a good job and had a warm friendly persona, but she wasn't much of a looker so I didn't give her the time of day...I mean, who the fuck do I think I am?!! Where the fuck do I get off??!!

So in answer to the question...people, I fucking hate people...constantly saying one thing and doing another.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 2 May 2008, 9:56, Reply)

being a barman
Heres my guide to ettiquette:

1) If your barman tells you the barrel is empty and is just off to change it, do not sigh, its an unavoidable occurance in drinking draught you twunt.
1a) If i change it and continue with your already half poured pint, do not ask for a fresh one, what could have possibly changed in the beer in the meantime?

2) Say please and thank you, we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone, beleive me, i've done it before, i'll bloody well do it again.

3) Now heres a tricky one, if you require service FACE the bar, and hold out some form of currency/ empty glass. Dont wave it, im not a bookie, and dear god, dont continue to have a conversation with your mates so I can read the back of your head. You are better off standing away from the bar so i can see you physically coming to get another drink.

4) ORDER, GUINESS, FIRST!

5) I DREW A SHAMROCK IN THE TOP OF IT BECAUSE I TAKE PRIDE IN MY JOB, NOT BECAUSE IM GAY!

breathe

6) If you order a coffee, dont go walkies and expect me to take 10 minutes looking for you, go to where you say you were.

7) If you want to move the furniture about, ask, we'll say yes, i gaurentee you wont put it back, but at least you were polite.

8) (one from last night) I had a bloke come to the bar and ask if we had a particular beverage, we didnt. He then spent 10 minutes arguing, asking if i was sure, why hadn't I heard of it "But you're a barman!" And mabye i should ask someone else. Look you grotesque peice of scum, if you were 100% convinced i should have it then why didnt you bloody well ask for it straight away instead of asking if I had it first? And dont insult my intellegence, im probably much smarter than you considering ive been listening to you talk all night about how your freeview box wont pick up any Sky channels.

9) Dear god, if you surround a table cramming your entire pikey family onto one designed for three at most, i'm not going to come clear the empties away.

There are many more but I'm off to deal with theese problems. So heres one more

10) Empty bar, one barman, moi, I will be stood by the till, if you go and stand the other end of the bar and wait to get served, you will be better off getting a stool, im staying where I am you ignorant cnuts

Length? 15 hours on sunday, DONT do any of the above.

And im not bitter, i quite like my job, be nice to me, and ill take care of you the whole time your in MY bar, I just won an award for best barman, so dont fuck with me, im far too cocky for my own good this week :)
(The Urban Badger Pressing the wrong button since 1987, Fri 2 May 2008, 9:55, 10 replies)

Tw@
i fkn h8 txt lnguge
(mon bison powered by magnets, Fri 2 May 2008, 9:54, Reply)

ooh there's a few, but mainly
People who hit their kids. There is no need to 'educate' anyone in this way, it's cowardly, stupid and fucking pathetic. Even a little smack is completely and totally fucking unaccaptable. It drives me mad with rage when I see parents wallopping their kids in a supermarket because they're misbehaving. Try reasoning with them, or just being nice, instead of bribing them by pumping them full of sugar and crisps and then hitting them when they run around like little maniacs.
You wouldn't smack an adult if they didn't do what you want without being prosecuted, so what right have you got to slap a child who is relying on you to teach them how to behave? fucking morons.
( BlueHaze Chutney. All good., Fri 2 May 2008, 9:51, 14 replies)

Asking questions when your mouth's full
I have come to the conclusion that everyone waits until I've just taken a bite of my sandwich, forkfull of food, whatever to ask me a burning question.

This happens EVERY DAY. its annoying, I can either answer with my mouth full or indicate that I'm eating and endure the longest few minutes of finishing my mouthful (which is usually a large mouthful) and swallowing before replying.

And why, when I'm trying to finish my mouthful before answering your stubpid question do you insist on staring at me chewing until I'm ready to answer the question? why not just look away, go back to what you were doing for a moment and let me finish!

waiters do this too, but its a lot easier to grunt at them that the meal's fine or whatever.

people should notice when you're eating and time the question so that I've not got a facefull of sandwich when you're expecting a reply.

or at least make sure its important before you disturb me.
(Katzilla Follow Me! @Kat_Zilla (I don't promise funnehs), Fri 2 May 2008, 9:50, 1 reply)

Grr
I try to avoid most things that annoy me as I usually black out. The funny thing is that even though I have no memory of the what happens next I still manage to get blamed for the damage done, even though witnesses saw the damage being done by some green guy twice my size.


Dont get me angry you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.....


Love

Bruce Banner
(mon bison powered by magnets, Fri 2 May 2008, 9:49, Reply)

peeved
When people actually bother to check spellings of every single word on every single post. what the fuck is this? GCSE English? Its just pathetic

Also call centres! Fucks me right off
(conzo21, Fri 2 May 2008, 9:47, 8 replies)

GET YOUR MONEY READY !!!
This happens often;

1) Supermarkets ---- Old biddies in queues at the till - they wait till everything is scanned and slowly packed into their tartan shopping bag BEFORE they get their purses out?!?! DIDN'T YOU REALISE YOU HAD TO PAY?!??! HURRY THE FUCK UP. The same old biddies pretend they also haven't noticed the big queue then push in at the front - I DONT CARE YOU WERE IN THE WAR, YOU CAN'T PUSH IN FRONT OF ME

2) Buses --- People do the same thing here, they WAIT till their on the bus, stated their destination, hear the price THEN faf around in their handbags/manbags looking for change??!?! DIDN'T YOU REALISE IT COSTS MONEY?!??!?! am i the only person who always has the exact change to give to the tattoo'd ex-service man driving?!? Also, people on mobiles who REFUSE to stop speaking while they get on and pay - then never say thank you, just keep yapping on - WHO THE FUCK BROUGHT YOU UP?!? - HAVE THE MANNERS TO STOP SPEAKING FOR 5 SECONDS AND GIVE THE DRIVER SOME RESPECT YOU IGNORANT COCKS

it's going to be 1 of those weeks....

EDIT - THEY PAY IN COPPER ASWELL! AAARRGGggGGhHHhHH!!FFssSSFFFKKHJHGSDRTHSE!!
(TheManofScience, Fri 2 May 2008, 9:44, 1 reply)

Every-cunting-thing.
I'm in a bad mood today.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 May 2008, 9:41, 11 replies)

Queues
I think I must wear a small sign attached to my back that says "Please, Please, Please stand as close to me as humanly possible without actually crawling up my arse and making a home there"

I have learned to stand legs akimbo in order to increase my personal space, but this has the unfortunate side effect of making me look as though I am "presenting".

Tactical use of the elbow has helped in the past, but the crippling guilt which assaulted me after injuring some old bearded lady, has made me wary.

Why I can't just turn around and say "Excuse me, would you mind standing back a little bit? Standing this close to me makes me uncomfortable, and is not going to make you reach the checkout any faster, Thanks"?

*BRITISH*
( my_cat_has_no_shoes meh meh meh MEH MEH, Fri 2 May 2008, 9:38, 2 replies)