Litter.
There are bins.

FUCKING use them you cunts!
( Blackdogmanguitar is out with Fat Larry's Jazz Band on, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:41, 1 reply)

Oh for fuck's sake
I composed a beauty of a rant this morning on my way to work. It was eloquent, full of bile and came with a side serving of pithy observations on modern life.

The second I sat down at my desk, I forgot every single word of it. I can't even remember what it was about.

Fuckwit.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:40, 5 replies)

Commuting
Riding on the train to work day in day out would be fine if it weren't for the other passengers. I could fill the entire QOTW with the things that they have done that have annoyed me.

Examples:
* women sitting there doing their make-up for the entire half-hour journey. I don't sit there having a shave, do I? One woman took this to extremes by plucking her eyebrows AND THEN HER CHIN
* people not using the luggage rack and having huge piles of bags on their laps - why?
* people talking loudly on the phone. One woman does that on my train home sometimes for the entire journey and laughs like Barney Rubble. I can hear her over my iPod.
* people who get to the ticket barrier AND THEN decide to look for their tickets as if the whole thing is a big surprise.
* tourists who get off the escalator on the tube and then just stand still - hey, don't worry about that big pile of people behind you, you just have a good look round!
* chavs who think their choice of music sounds so much better when played on their phone on the bus.
* parents who have to take their screaming brats to work.
* holidaymakers who insist on taking all their luggage on the tube at rush hour - get a bloody taxi!
* women who smother themselves in so much perfume that no-one else can breath when they are near them.
* people who text yet do not know how to use their phone and don't know how to stop the keypad beeping.

Rant over, for now. I'm sure there's more.

I wish I could say I feel better for that but now I feel quite angry!
(BearWithLittleBrain, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:39, 2 replies)

Morrisons
When they individually wrap 1 piece of fruit or veg - they do this with apples and peppers.

Fucks sake, like we need more fucking packaging.
(vertigo, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:36, Reply)

Noisy Eaters
I fucking hate noisy eaters.....especially ones that talk with there mouth full....

"then chanelle said to me *crunch crunch crunch......we should meet up *chomp chomp"

My ex did it.... drove me fucking mental, I would just sit there wishing she would choke.

Shame really she didn't
(Gorbotronic 01100111 01101111 01110010 01100010 01101111 00001, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:36, 4 replies)

Bras
They get right on my tits.

arf.
(RickGrimes Quite frankly, disappointed on, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:33, Reply)

and vegetarians
they're smug cunts too
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:33, Reply)

FUCKING CHRISTIANS
I don’t have a problem with anyone wishing to have faith or belief

BUT WHY DO THEY NEED TO BE SO FUCKING SMUG

Religion is the single biggest killer on this planet. Why on earth sane people fight wars over slight variations on essentially the same fairy tail, dreamt up to explain to cave dwellers why the moon appears at night and what happens when you die is lifes true mystery.

Nothing happens. You’re fucking dead you idiot. You’re miniscule. Insignificant. Some slime on a rock spinning through a universe so vast your comprehension can’t handle the distance between 'Urmericar' and 'London England' i.e. all of Europe.

So you go to heaven do you? (if your a Christian that is) So there is an alter existence where every living thing that ever existed (that had faith of course) all shuffle around for a fucking eternity. Sounds great where do I sign?

Creationists = mentalists - "we know the earth is only 12,000 years old because we added up all the ages of people in the bible!"

"But carbon dating puts dinosaurs at hundreds of millions of years old mr married to your sister judgemental slack jawed cretin"

"Aint true - god 'planted' them there to test our faith"

FUCK OFF!

The reason we have global terrorism is because of religion...

The religious extremists that vote in a complete buffoon such as bush. then believe its not about oil its about 'freedom' and going to church on a sunday.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:32, 3 replies)

Small Pointless Trolley Cases
People who walk through the underground during rush hour pulling those fucking trolley cases along even though the case itself is about the size of a book and can't possibly weigh more than a kilo and the handle is long enough to trip over any poor bastard the c**t happens to be walking past! DAMN THESE SHITTY PEOPLE IN ETERNAL HELLFIRE!!
(meat katie rocked the other nite and also on, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:30, 2 replies)

"My pet called Peeves"
Even if it's true, which would be something to keep private, it's not funny, you slack-jawed, pig-eyed sacks of shit.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:30, 2 replies)

The word 'literally'.
Misuse thereof, usually when whichever barely coherent pond scum perpetrated said travesty really should have used 'figuratively'.
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:29, 5 replies)

"Heroes"
Sportsmen/women,Footballers especially, being described by the Press as 'heroes'.

No you're frigging not.

Heroes are people who do something ridiculously brave, they are not staggeringly overpaid primadonnas who run around a field kicking a ball.

'Champions', yes, that'd be a good description. 'Rather good' is a bit understated, but very British. 'Heroes' you are not, and when the Press, and not just the tabloids, describe you as such then I have this sudden desire to shove one of your celebrity-endorsed studded boots up your arse.

To have people whose likely biggest peril is being tripped up by someone, or spraining their ankle*, described in the same way as a 19 year old in Afghanistan doing something unbelievabley dangerous** while earning less in a year than some of these twats do in a day makes me despair.

Heroes? Bollocks.





*yes I know they sometimes hurt themselves more seriously but no-one is actively trying to shoot them.Pity.

**on your behalf, voters of Britain. Or rather on behalf of your elected*** representatives.

***degrees of 'elected' may vary.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:27, 4 replies)

Vernon Kaye
Who are you? Why are you on my TV screen? Where are you from? Where's your appeal?

Katie & Peter: The Next Chapter
I dont care and nobody should. The idea that people actually sit down, watch and enjoy it is a little bit frightening to me

and Ricky Gervais, the Office is just not funny
(Joe Guevara is well known for stealing your biscuits, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:26, 4 replies)

Fancy cufflinks
and overblown tie knots.

You might as well tattoo "I am a Tory cunt" on your forehead and have done with it.
( I_Was_Mordred, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:24, 3 replies)

5)
The Daily Mail.
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:22, 4 replies)

Liv Tyler's husband
Fucking thief, she was mine you slaaaaag.
(RickGrimes Quite frankly, disappointed on, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:22, 1 reply)

Espresso
is a coffee beverage so called because the boiling water is passed at pressure through pressed ground coffee.

Expresso is your ignorance.
(magictorch, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:21, 7 replies)

Two things
The NHS - too top-heavy, stuck in it's ways, wastes far too much money
People who knock the NHS - actually does a pretty good job and it's free (other than taxes, obviously)
(ScousersPet, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:20, Reply)

Jimmy Carr
That is all
(RickGrimes Quite frankly, disappointed on, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:19, 6 replies)

Cats
that shit all over my garden, because I'm the only person in the neighbourhood without a cat.

Midnight shit flinging is a new hobby of mine
(RickGrimes Quite frankly, disappointed on, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:19, Reply)

Burglarize
Americans seem to have lost their toe hold on the English language when it come to adverbs. Nowhere is this more annoying than the (frequent) news stories where a premises has been 'Burglarized'.

No it fecking hasn't. It's has been burgled. By a burglar. Who did some burgling.

I'm looking forward to coverage of the Olympics where American athletes will 'Hurdlerize' obstacles and 'garglarize' isotonic drinks..

/And no, Vandalise is not the same - there is no corresponding verb - it means to make like the Vandals.

//Grammar SS Uberlieutnung Mungo_Spanner
(mungo_spanner, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:17, 1 reply)

Lossless Music Files
It's not so much the files, but the people who actually give a shit about them that bug the fuck out of me.

Bit of background for the less terminally geeky; when you store music or video on your computer it is generally compressed to buggery. This is because binary isn't an especially wonderful way to store sound so you get stupidly big files as a result. Even when these are compressed you are left with slightly less stupidly big files.

So one solution is to compress them in such a way that a bit of information is lost, (lossy compression) it's more or less the same but at a much smaller size. You'll honestly not notice the difference unless you compress it to a stupidly small size or start compressing it over and over again. (You lose information every time it's compressed)

Yet I am forever plagued by smug pricks going "Oh I can't listen to mp3s, they're nowhere near as good as flac" or more commonly "I can't listen to mp3s that are less than X kb/s". (Where X is usually a number around 300)

Over about 128 kb/s for most songs it makes no difference. There are exceptions admittedly, not everything compresses well and some programs do a better job than others, but these people seriously need to stop being so damn picky about this crap. Most of them probably download it for free anyway.

Sorry for the excess nerdiness and swearing there. If it helps I now feel oddly relaxed for getting that off my chest.
(BoneIdol, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:16, 6 replies)

Jo Brand
Men, Chocolate, Overweight, Men, Chocolate, Overweight, Men, Chocolate, Overweight, etc etc
How can her career have lasted so fucking long on these 3 jokes, i cant even watch QI if shes on it because it'll feel like a repeat.
(beano, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:16, 3 replies)

Fat Women
for some reason, always louder, more opiniated and more 'Look at me, I'm fucking hilarious' than their less ample sisters.

Big boned - my arse, it's my glands - bollocks. You're either eating or gobbing off love, ever tried keeping it shut?

I'll turn down my 'harsh' dial now.
(RickGrimes Quite frankly, disappointed on, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:14, 4 replies)

I suppose I should compose a list like everyone else.
Team sports- fine, I get that most people like them, but there are some of us who really don't. I would really rather not go to a bar for a pint and have some choad leap from his stool, punch the air and belm because some overpaid twit kicked a ball. Go see it in person, you wanker.

Jet skis, snowmobiles, dirtbikes and other loud machines that carry assholes at high speeds into areas where they don't belong. I'd love to be able to canoe or sail on a lake without having to listen to someone else's public masturbation. Please, if you're riding one of these things and you're not an emergency medic rescuing someone, do us all a favor and find something very solid to ram.

Hummers and other excessive vehicles. Do I really need to spell that one out any further? Didn't think so.

Cyclists who insist on riding over bridges during rush hour traffic, causing a massive slowdown. Look, I heartily approve of riding a bike, and am glad you enjoy doing so- but riding on a main route that has no bike lane during rush hour causes nervous people to slow down rather than risk passing you and possibly having you fall under their wheels. I'm glad you love your spandex, but that is really not the time to be showing off how cute your ass is in your expensive outfit- I haven't had my coffee yet, and you're between it and me. (Not to mention that your ass really isn't cute- either it's a bony little lump or it's a gelatinous wad of cottage cheese beneath that spandex, and after being ground into a bike seat probably has a rather strong odor reminiscent of Courtney Love.) And I happen to be in control of over a ton of metal with tremendous kinetic energy, while you're on about thirty pounds of tinsel. Who do you think will win this argument? Get the fuck off of the main road, go pedal along side streets or bike trails, and everyone will benefit. (And yes, you narcissistic fop, that WAS me leaning on my car's horn at you.)

This list will continue later. Right now I need to get back to work.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 2 May 2008, 13:14, Reply)

A few things
1) Gormless idiots who, for no reason a sentient being can fathom, randomly stop in the middle of the pavement to chat/fart/dribble/whatever.
2) Gormless idiots who hog the middle or outer lanes, use a mobile whilst driving or tailgate.
3) Gormless idiots who break the speed limit, get caught, then blame the camera. Take some personal responsibility you fucktards.
4) Gormless idiots who forward me chain letter (usually racist or virus warnings) without out first engaging their brain and checking it out. And these are the same gormless idiots who get all huffy when I point out what a monumental shithead they have just been.
5) Gormless idiots who are too thick to secure the PC against being a drone in a bot-net. If you cannot do this one, simple thing; then you are too retarded to own a PC and should be banned from using them for life.
6) *nix fanbois. Too elitist and up-themselves to understand that, no matter how good *nix may be, it is still not ready for the neophyte home user. If these intellectual cuntbubbles are so smart, why don't they help out *nix by writing some documentation in plain English (or other language, just not fucking Klingon) and making sure it is easy to find? My guess is that they're all probably too busy beating themselves off over their latest bash script.
7) Mac fanbois, for reasons similar to the above.
8) Gormless idiots who can't tell the difference between a "fanboi" and a normal user.
9) Gormless idiots who moan about not having voted Brown in. They simply do not understand how the political system works in this country and are just too plain dumb to vote.
(SpangleDangle >->)))'>, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:13, 2 replies)

Mad women
Or should I say women who say "I'm mad, me" or something along those lines. "All my friends say I'm nuts!" or "I'm just crazy I am!".

Let me set something straight for you. As soon as you say this, people know you are not. We know that what you are in fact saying is "I'm quite lonely really and I behave in an over the top manner to get peoples attention".

Gotta be cruel to be kind and all that.
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:08, 1 reply)

It's not just chavs
Dante
Hermione
Genevieve
Dillinger
Goldman
Silas
Esme
Tarquin
Henderson

Pretentious middle class names irritate me far more than the Britneys, Shanias and Brooklyns of this world.
( blindmelon, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:07, 2 replies)

Telephone numbers
0207 is not an area code. The area code for London is 020. Thank you.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:02, 7 replies)