Does MySpace count?
Recently one of my friends pointed me to a profile on MySpace of a guy who was shopping for a Korean wife. Korea really doesn't do mail-order brides anymore so we decided to get abusive.

I created a fake account on MySpace listing my gender as female, my ethnicity as Asian, and my location as North Korea. I messaged the guy telling him that North Korea is a worker's paradise, and he should come to Pyongyang to visit me. This became my thing and I had a lot of fun with it for a couple days.

After I was through with wife-shoppers, I discovered that a large number of people, mainly American GIs, had listed their location as "Seoul, Democratic People's Republic of Korea." I messaged them ranting about the glory of North Korea, and would often get messages back like "WTF i hate north korea." Consider this a free geography lesson, chums.

I stopped using the account and the messages and offers stacked up. Once I logged back in to find my female North Korean self had become quite popular, with all sorts of messages asking me to visit them if I ever escape, and asking me if I'd consider all sorts of interracial relationships.

The freakiest one was Andrew. In his first message to me he said his friend has access to all sorts of "decoders for FCC and military regulated telecommunitcations frequencies" and asked me "Would you like to make a buy for satellite decoders of FCC or military frequecy applications??"

After that he started trying to recruit me into his own little counter-intelligence ring. He works at the army intel recodrs repository, although probably in a pretty low down position. I figured he was just a low-down guy looking to impress his superiors ("Look, I recruited a North Korean spy!") so he could get into the James Bond lifestyle.

He offered to open a credit card account with a $5000 limit as an act of good faith, and began calling himself "Handsome American Guy, Andrew."

At this point I decided I should really see how far this guy would go, but I maintained silence so all his messages would be unsolicited. Of course I wasn't going to go for the money. Unless it became extremely easy.

At one point I decided to see if I could scare him. I registered a free e-mail on a Chinese website and claimed to be her brother. I said that she was unable to send messages through the North Korean filter, but she could read all his messages and was in love with him. I myself was a defector living in Beijing and communication with my sister was slow. I asked him to take a picture of himself holding a letter addressed to her, which he never did and ending my serious attempts to have him arrested. I said that she was planning to escape the country, and would come to America to visit him.

This had all been happening over several months, and all my friends were getting extremely bored with it. I didn't log in for a long time, and in July I checked again, receiving this message:

"I recently had a legal dispute with local university. They tried to make a criminal charge against me for reporting political flyers on their campus. Somehow, your name from Myspace.com came into the conversation of legal documents. I can not beleive that they are worse than what the United States of America calls the North Korean government. I received you e-mail from MSN hotmail.com and had to use it as legal evidence in my defense. I feel like the campus police can do whatever they what with their authority, they are so powerfull. I will keep you informed if they ask more questions about North Korea, or The Peoples Republic of China. I hope you understand that I am defenseless in this situation in defending your photo on Myspace.com from becoming legal evidence. Blame the CMU university police."

At this point he's either trying to intimidate me into giving something up, or he has actually been caught for sending these sorts of messages to North Koreans and is getting what he deserve, without me having to confess who I am or turn him in.

Anyway, my original intent was to see how many weird creepy messages a random Asian girl would receive through MySpace. The result was staggering. So how far did I take it? I guess it's still ongoing. Currently there is a standing offer for me to stay at his place if I escape North Korea. I still might bust him at some point, but I'm under the assumption now he's a joker trying to string me along. Still, he did offer to give military secrets and a bunch of money to someone he thought was North Korean. That can't be not treason.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 3:25, Reply)

Not exactly dating online
But back in 2001, shortly after being laid off, my favourite band decided to reform for a tour, and I decided to follow them to each gig. I also decided to see if any like minded fans from the bands mailing list were up for it, and within no time, the famous 'Busties' tour was organised.

Fortunately some of the people who signed up I had already met at the bands gigs and were good friends, but we had a few people from around the world want to come along - people from the US, Japan - and two people from Germany. One fella was already a mate, but the unknown entity, some woman was eager to come along but a little nervous - I naturally made every effort to put her mind at ease.

She was called Marnie - seemed ok on the email and we exchanged some mails. I should have realised when she said she still lived with her parents whilst in her 30's in one mail that all was not well, but I just put that down to bad money management and an easier life - how wrong I was.

I met her at Glasgow airport - 15 stone and unable to utter a word to anyone - and she latched on to me like a limpet. I was trying to organise 15 people and all the time this one rather unattractive teutonic woman would not speak to anyone, would follow me endlessly, would appear outside my hotel room. And then the phone calls - it seemed she had given out my phone number to her family who would call all the time costing me money (roaming profile see). And on this went, for days and days. It became beyond unbearable, and all my mates on the bus got wind and started taking the piss something chronic.

In Dudley, I'd had enough. 4 nights of her following me endlessly, not talking to anyone else, appearing every way I turned. In fact it got so bad I made a pact with my mate Chris that I would snog him in the club just to give her the message (neither of us are gay) - but it seemed that would not be necessary. After the show I got talking to a very attractive american girl also on our bus - not only did we spend the night but over the next 3 years I ended up falling in love, discovering what Sex was really like and seeing the world with her. She was the love of my life that girl, and thankfully the Deutsche Doberman never spoke to me again. Sadly the long distance relationship between Amsterdam and Atlanta failed, but we are speaking again now so hope springs eternal.

So internet dating? It ain't all bad it seems
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 3:08, Reply)

How deep down the rabbit hole have I gone?
I've never done the whole internet dating site thing, but I did once meet someone online. I met this lovely girl and we started chatting. So the norm is to progress to phone calls, and we did; quite a bit, in fact. Turns out she lived about two hours away from me, which was nice. She was quite fit and was lovely kinky, which made the drive sound better every day.

Until the day we decided to elaborate on our kinks. So we're having a wonderful chatty call and the topic comes up and we start taking turns sharing. Then, she says something along the lines of, "Don't tell anyone this, okay?" When someone who doesn't even live near you and who doesn't share the same friends as you say that, change the topic. I didn't and she told me as a child, she had given her pet rabbit a blow job.

I haven't gone down the rabbit hole, but chances are she has.

Lovely girl, ended up meeting her but we just didn't strike it off in person, had a few more calls after and just decided to be friends.

Length? Probably not much.
(I like you much more than this telephone pole. But not as much as this frying pan., Fri 14 Sep 2007, 2:24, Reply)

Oops.
I had a friend who threw up a personal:

"Single 25 y/o Male, athletic, enjoys eating out, pet lover, seeks woman, sense of humor required."

They printed it as:

"Single 25 y/o male, athletic, enjoys eating out pet, lover, seeks woman, sense of humor required."

He didn't get any calls, but he did get a refund.
(I like you much more than this telephone pole. But not as much as this frying pan., Fri 14 Sep 2007, 2:18, Reply)

Another One For PJMs List
.
Cuddly = Fucking huge.

If you put your arms around someone tradition has it that your arms should be able to meet around her back.

Tradition also has it that a chatup line that works with "cuddly" people is:

"Wanna a pie?"

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 1:33, Reply)

Baaa
baaa baa baa baa
(mr sheep is down stairs with empty maple syrup jar, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 1:17, Reply)

The Best One I've Seen
...started "FAT and funny single mum..."

made me laugh so much, talk about getting straight to the point and kinda sums up the local area(Mirfield, Heckmondwike, Batley and Dewsbury). still have the ad sellotaped to my CD player(yeh, old skool!)

Length:longer than yours!
(mufin_man1987 p u r e F I L T H k i z u k o L E E D S, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 0:29, Reply)

how deep?
well I am getting married in three weeks time to a girl I met through datetheuk.com in 2004!
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Thu 13 Sep 2007, 23:28, Reply)

It's not all bad on t'internet, but...
I met my fiancée off of the interweb, so miracles can happen...BUT, I have been through a fair few loonies and heifers before I got a winner.

Numero Uno was the barmaid: "Excellent", thinks I "free drinks a-plenty for me and a bit of rumpy-pumpy to boot, what could be better?" We email, we chat on msn, we agree to meet. Now, have you ever had that sinking feeling when a girl walks into a bar? You're sitting there, all scrubbed up and waiting for a girl in a black coat and a really fit blonde walks in...then goes straight over to her boyfriend at the bar...and that's when you see the *other* girl in the black coat. The one who vaguely reminds you of someone, but you can't recall who. Let me tell you it's not Elle Macpherson. Oh no.

So far it's going badly, but being the public schoolboy I once was, I do the honourable thing and buy her a drink. "Let's go to a party - my sister's throwing one - it'll be fun". I agree, on the basis that a house party has witnesses in case she tries anything. Make note to self to get own drinks in case of Rohypnol dosage. Get to party - it's not the student orgy I was expecting. Oh no. It's her sisters' birthday. At her parents' house. I get introduced as "he's the One". Cold sweat starts to run down my back. Can't get home as last train has left. Bugger. Back to her place. meet her flatmate, who is on same site. Why couldn't I have got her? she's pretty, blonde and evidently up for it...bugger. Drink more to console myself. Flatmate wearing nowt but t-shirt - sitting opposite me, flashes her bald mimsy. I get the horn. Barmaid figures this is her cue and violates me. Hard. At one point she bent my Old Chap double - she was bouncing so hard my balls felt like a fat kids' Space Hopper. Feeling used and not a little abused, I make my excuses and leave. Decide I'll have to sleep on platform at Victoria and discover I have left my wallet at her place. Too scared to go back....at which point, the flatmate appears with it in her hand, having followed me. She gives me a hug, offers condolences and hands me a piece of paper with her number on it "in case I get bored". So not all bad, I guess. Still felt like Ned Beatty at the end of Deliverance, though. Sue Pollard - that's who the Barmaid looked like. Now you can see why I am still scarred by it...

God knows why I went back and tried again, but I did and met The Fat Bird who didn't so much drive her Mazda MX5, but more wore it like a skirt, the bird who had just served 18months for fraud and was likely to be doing time again soon as she'd stolen the money for her house from the mortgage company she worked for(but, in fairness, was a great shag and who let me be the first up her dirtbox), the Geordie lass who smelt of fish (don't ask, just don't) and the bird who was 15 years older than her photo, had a bald spot and wanted me to use the blunt end of a baseball bat as an anal dildo on her (I didn't stay long after I finished the first drink - I actually ran through the kitchen and out of the fire door).

Moral of the story? Like the real world there are a lot of loonies, weirdos and ugly women, but occasionally you'll get a blinder. When you do - don't mess it up. I stuck to that and we get married in December...w00t!

apologies for length, but my length is nothing compared to the girth of the mx5 owner...a tonne and a half at least...
(Chad, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 23:21, Reply)

the choices are horrific...
Online dating worked for my dad so I decided to give it a try...

I'm very glad I skipped out on paying the subscription fee ... after spending the last hour registering, I had a look at who was out there ... choice seems to be intelligent, successful yet socially retarded, or "up 4 a laff" from the depths of some inner-city hell-hole, with 3 kids and a criminal record :-|

Think I'll remarry my box of cigarettes.
(hangableautobulb is an anagram of the best album ever, on, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 22:48, Reply)

If you live...
...in a remote corner of the country, don't use a dating website.

Because if you find anyone at all in your part of the country and meet for a date, remote chance that it is, you then KNOW them for ever more and you will see them in the High Street every other day for the rest of your life.

Fortunately I find this quite funny, as does the girl in question, but reading some of the stories on here - it could have gone very very wrong.
(inflateable, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 22:35, Reply)

I met a right looney
off of one of those sites. We exchanged 2 emails, then moved on to chatting on MSN. First night of talking and we start a video chat - within 20 minutes she was naked and playing with her boobs for my viewing pleasure. They were saggy and funny shaped, but somehow that didn't seem to matter at the time :)

She was a right freak. She started telling me about how she needs pain to climax during sex. She likes being bitten really hard, so it breaks the skin and leaves a scar. How if you do her doggy style, you have to grab her hair and pull as hard as you can. And other tales of the unexpected.

So after a few lewd and instructional video chats we decide to meet up. She was boring. Boring like beige paint that somebody else already watched dry. And to cap it all off, she was mucking fental. She read my palm, which I thought was just quirky, hippy fun, until she said that I'm destined to have three kids and she's destined to have two, so we can't be together because it's not destined. I thought she was kidding. She wasn't. Fackin' looney.
( Damocles wants no part of your debauchery, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 22:20, Reply)

I once saw an ad...
"Looking for a woman who would bathe with me with our clothes on."

(Well, it's not dirty, but it's definetly very scary.)
(xxxxxxxx xxxx, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 22:16, Reply)

Private Eye
Best personal ad I ever saw was in the back of Private Eye:

Priest seeks woman for mutual defrocking.
(pfy, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 22:12, Reply)

Soccer thug sex.
So I'm calmly browsing the back of Bizarre magazine, which, as you may or may not know, is sealed because it's full of porn, reviews of porn, and (mostly), adverts.

Anyhow, this one takes my fancy, mainly because it's totally different to the usual litany of "30 Second Quick Relief," "Live tunc action with dirty old slappers," and "Catheter Out, Cock In!" reams of "squalid perverted filth" (their words, not mine.) It's a shortish list of recorded phone sex tales of the homosexual variety. Now, I normally lean towards womenfolk, but this time I just HAD to ring one.

Why?

Because there was a Web address at the bottom: www.scallysex.co.uk

Yes, folks, I rang a chav-themed phone sex line. Specifically, "Soccer thug sex."

I won't spoil the fun for any of you reprobates who are morbidly curious enough to do so, but I've never been able to stump up the courage to watch The Football Factory since.

Length? Well, it's a bit of an optimistic shot, but any hole's a goal...

Also, *pop*.
(Encolpius, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 22:10, Reply)

Not the girl of my dreams
In the aftermath of a relationship that didn't work out, I was, somewhat lonely in the preceding weeks. I thought I'd counter these feelings of emptiness by meeting the girl of my dreams sooner rather than later, and by using the interwebs to do so!

So, I strike up a half-arsed ad, find a picture of me not belming or generally looking like a mong, upload the bitch, and await the storms of beautiful maidens to come hammering at my inbox.

Nay, dear reader, no such luck was to be had. By the time this dawned on me several days later I had rediscovered pr0n in a new way anyway and was back to the self depravity & debauchery rarely seen in civilised societies, so was not too bothered anyway.

But hark! An email arrives!

Yes! Dear reader, my princess had finally come through in the end! Her name was Emma, lets call her, and in the photos she sent though she looked like a stunner! Blonde hair, slim, nice eyes....in my imagination she was surely the one! We agree to meet in a pub near her town.

On the bus, in my head, i had already planned everything – how I was going to ask her out, how we’d spend countless good times together, even how I’d propose in a few years time.

On arrival, a “girl” in a “red-dress” approaches bearing a resemblance to the figure of beauty i was awaiting. Oh fuck, it was her. Oh fuck! She was hideous.....to say she’d put on a few pounds since the photos were taking would be polite, and her face looked like it had been hit with a shovel. I was considering to offer to “re-spade” her face, in an attempt at improving it maybe.

Ah, but it doesn’t stop there either. No. Obviously, I’m not up for making this the large night i was planning, so I let her do the talking and I just pretend I’m tired ready for the “make excuses and leave” operation.

So she tells me all sorts....to cut it short, it was about how she, er, likes getting “utterly faking wankered” and pulling black men, but, oh yeah, she actually “hates blacks” really (!!!), it’s just that “they’ve got really big cocks innit?!”. Nothing about favourite music, not even about job/hobbies....straight to “black cock”!

Another revelation was that she liked black cock so much that one day she got pregnant from one – “dunno who the cunt was though do I?”. Said child of said “cunt” was 6 years old at the time of meeting.

The situation is bordering on so awful that I’m starting to not-so-silently guffaw to myself, producing some strange looks from my “date” who is taking this very seriously.

And here comes the killer, o B3ta. After about the time it takes to drink 2/3rds of a Guinness, she launches the final a-bomb onto an unsuspecting me. She said, and I quote, “I really fakin like you, and I reckon you’d make a wicked dad!”

Nearly choking on my Guinness I spluttered “just going a piss” and promptly bee-lined for the fire exit. I couldn’t wank for a week.

Length? Like an arm, apparently.
( slippery doctore, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 22:05, Reply)

I'm going to pearoast this, it seems appropriate for this QOTW.
(I've updated a little too, having been rescarred for life by a chatlog I found).

About a year and a half ago I decided to look up an old schoolfriend, and asked my friend Bob for her email address. I add this address to MSN and the next time "she" signs in I'm greeted by "Mark finds himself lost in all his work. Need a friend... for ;) :P".

Hmm. Maybe Tori's boyfriend has been at her screen name, so I message anyway asking if I have the right person.

The answer comes back in Dutch, and my friend is definitely NOT Dutch, so I reply "really sorry but I don't speak Dutch, do you speak English?".

The conversation then went as follows:

Random Dutch guy: who are you then?
Me: I'm ... me. I think I must have added the wrong addres. Sorry.
RDG: do you like to play? i am Mark's sister
Me: that's nice.
RDG: I watch Mark and his gf have sex from the wardrobe. you want to see cam?
Me: No. Really. Going now.
RDG: i love doing girls.
Me: That's nice. Listen, I have to go. Bye. *sign out*

I don't know why I didn't hit block then; perhaps I thought it was someone mucking about. Anyway, over the next few weeks this goes on (apparently the girlfriend and the sister were shagging and liked to pee on each other, wanted to pee on me, and wanted me to pee on them, how convenient, and then they all added me, on different email addresses with the same font and icon as him; how stupid did they think I was?) and 4000 webcam requests and one-sided conversations about peeing, buttsecks and stuff later, eventually I get to talk to the eponymous Mark:

RDG: do you have a mouse?
Me: A computer mouse? Yes. Duh.
RDG: put it in
Me: WHAT?! You freak!
RDG: no it would be good. then go downstairs and say goodnight to your parents.
Me: No way. Just that.
RDG: want to hear my voice?
Me. No.
RDG: you do, you know it
Me: No I don't. Leave me alone, I have stuff to do.
RDG: you added me by accident and now I love you. we are fated to be together.
Me: No, really, it was a mistake.
RDG: we should meet soon.
Me: NO.
RDG: my little english girl. i love you.
Me: NO. You don't. It was a mistake. Leave me alone.

Eventually, I blocked him, but ever since then I get Dutch addresses trying to add me, and the odd email from "SexyBabes" or "FunkyHunks" which as far as I can work out are Dutch dating/porn sites. So if you ever meet a Dutch guy called "Stronkie" online, you don't know me, you've never heard of me and you don't have a mouse. For your own safety.

EDIT: It turned out in the end I'd added "[email protected]" when I really should have added "[email protected]".
( Maladicta, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 22:00, Reply)

A tale of two messenger programmes....
Back in the year 2003 we got a new computer, and feeling a bit lonely and having just discovered MSN, I decided to search profiles of British boys my age. Not exactly intended personal ads but effectively they were to me.

I found three I said hello to via their profiles: one claimed to be a piece of toast, the other loved dinosaurs and the third was a sarcy bastard who looked fun, which I told him and it pissed him off more.

So no to toast boy and dinosaur man, whereas sarcy bastard accused me of selling pornography and we eventually fell in love. Met for real two years back, still together.

Now we move on to Skypé. A programme downloaded so I could talk to my sarcy mister and still be able to peruse the internets.

I do not know what I have written, or what sort of spell has been placed on my profile, but I am a magnet for horny Turkish men.

And yes, only Turkish men. I've had about twelve of them so far trying to remove my "cyber pants" as they shall be dubbed. When pissed off at a clear refusal one went so far as to call me a "fishy cunt donkey". No, I'm not sure what that is either.

So there you go...
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 21:57, Reply)

If I Can Recall Correctly
There was a well known personal ad being whored around all the corner shops in the local area:

"Male 2 Male massage. Very affordable and discreet. Full body massage and lots of pampering"

Us being the mature youths that we are, decided to prank call that number, because that's the extent of our wit.

*Dials number*
Pervert: Hello?
Friend: Hi....I'd like a massage p-please.
Pervert: Well it's £40 altogether, I can either come around your home or we can arrange to meet somewhere else.
Friend: Err yeah ok sure. Erm...How far are you willing to go.
*pause*
Pervert: Well how far do you want to go?

Couldn't exactly finish the conversation after that.
He sounded like a middle aged man apparently. How suprising.
(Ellytots Last thought of chocolate on, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 21:21, Reply)

I've been on a few dating sites
I recall being interested in one particular girl's ad. I emailed her, she emailed me back with a photo of her
TITS.
( turb0t, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 20:59, Reply)

Match.com
I wanted to use the Kasey Chambers song title (yes, I know!) "If I were you, I would notice me" as my headline.

It cut me off, so hotties all over the area were seeing:

"If I were you, I would not"

Strangely, I didn't get any responses...
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 20:44, Reply)

Single
Single former US Marine, film and television actor, horse farmer and global sales rep seeks amazing female English solicitor.

She probably should have had at least one long term relationship with a half-German dork who ocasionally shat the bed. (makes me look like a true star as I havent shat the bed in, hmmm, well, since I was 3 or 4)

I offer slight Southern drawl, a good sense of humor and lots of fun stories, though, none of them are inclusive of a female bed-shitter.

Looking for long email exchanges and possibly a meetup in London, followed by a good long snogging session and an ocasional glance into those lovely green eyes of yours.

[Have I stepped across a line here? oh well!]

Sic Semper Tyrannis!
Sean/Citadel
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 20:43, Reply)

When I replied to an ad saying "cute single mother seeks good fun" I thought "Ooooh err"
What she didn't tell me about was...

1, a string of criminal convictions.
2, a dog that shits inside.
3, the kind of child you KNOW will end up "pikey"
4, the childs father being in prison for murder
5, fantastic dirty sex while she screams and thrashes around like a gaffed fish.

Well it wasn't ALL bad things.!!!
(elfinpunk Touching Cloth Since, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 20:33, Reply)

...
I've dabbled in internet dating with varying success, but the best email I got was :

"Please contact me , you're just the right height!"

I was too scared to ask for what !!
(Nyanko I reject your reality and substitute my own., Thu 13 Sep 2007, 20:32, Reply)

Well...... I did venture into on-line dating a little bit.
One night after a few too many beers I jumped in. My sensible head was still on, so I remembered not to give too much away, indeed so much so when I read my advert back the next day even I was not sure it was me that wrote it.

This however was a good thing, as about a week later after fending off the usual rubbish replies and requests to "go gold and pay us money" emails I received a reply with a girls details.

It was my mates wife.

"stuck in loveless marriage, sexy lady seeks solace and a way out"

I did the only decent thing and emailed him the link.

I have since discovered my brothers ex girlfriend, my sisters best mate and about 3 or 4 other people I know who all use it. I may yet go back in, wish me luck :-)
( TBL I posted this on, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 20:26, Reply)

Not exactly on topic, but I don't REALLY care.
A while back, I started talking to this guy. He seemed nice enough; attractive, intelligent, funny, ex-Disney animator (bonus, being a girlie girl who still secretly adores The Little Mermaid) and from all accounts, a good guy.
Late one night, I get a call from him asking if I was free the next morning, and if I'd like to meet for coffee. For reasons that are far too dull and convoluted to bother mentioning, my best friend was present at the time of the call AND the next morning...

And that's when the events that triggered these wonderful rules of dating for men happened.


WARNING: This list consists entirely of what not to do.

1. DO NOT laugh inanely at everything said.
2. DO NOT hit the object of your lust, however playfully you may mean it.
3. DO NOT stare hungrily at said girl's ass when she can see you doing it.
4. DO NOT follow the staring looking up at her and winking in such a way as to conjure up images of dirty old men.
5. DO NOT tell your date exactly what you were thinking* whilst participating in #3.
6. DO NOT proceed by announcing that you have an erection and considered putting her hand on it.
7. DO NOT continue to speak like a pervert when you've already been asked** to stop.
8. DO NOT follow this by insulting her best friend, especially when said friend is in earshot.
9. DO NOT conclude the morning by hurling a barrage of insults when you finally realise your advances have been spurned.

And most importantly...

10. DO NOT be a 30-something ex-Disney animator named Ben.


*To quote, "I'd love to tongue your ass."
** Repeatedly.***
*** Verging on beating his face into a bloody pulp to stop it.
( is0lati0n, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 20:14, Reply)

mong
Saw an ad once that said: "Loves going out or staying in."

I was tempted to reply that I "loved the theoretical space that exists only between 'inside' and 'outside'. Or the doorstep".

Probably wouldnt have got me laid that though.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 20:00, Reply)

Sinister gentleman...
...would like to meet a rich, well-insured widow – intention: murder
(FizzyLogic, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 19:51, Reply)

Repost - no fat chicks
Sorry for repost but its the same fucking QOTW essentially.

One and only foray into "internet dating". Mate belonged to match.com or something and forwarded me the dregs. Nice of him I thought.

Anyway, got along well on the phone. Lived a couple of miles away. Arranged to meet in a bar .

You know that bit in the Office Xmas special where Brent is outside talking to camera moaning about the quality of his 'dates' and the large lady walks up and he does a marvellously timed "oh for fucks sa..."? Well he nicked that moment from me. And like Brent, she saw me do it. Can't fake the eyes....

So we carried on the charade and to be fair, she was alright and was prepared to get past my initial preconceptions. I however wasn't. I really am not that grown up as I'm sure some of you know if you look at my previous answers.

I was trapped. We ended up in restaurant that appeared to be a shrine to Gillian Taylforth. My date, then did what can only be described as , spazzed out. For 5 minutes. This consisted of looking a bit weird and freezing. She 'locked up'. I thought she was taking the piss. I almost poked her with my fork and then she just resumed where she left off not missing a beat nor acknowledging that anything had just happened.

(edit - as time appeared to have frozen for her at that instant, in retrospect i should have just walked away and watched from around the corner as from her p.o.v, I would simply have just vanished in an instant in front of her eyes).

Because it was persisting it down outside I walked her home. Stupid stupid stupid. She immediately put on a CD that I recognised - "oh yes I bought it when you told me you liked them". Jesus. Go go go.

She made me sit on the couch and she sat on the floor crosslegged. Showing me quite clearly that she had no underwear on.

As i started to run, she grabbed my arm and said "don't go, please. I haven't been fucked since 2001"

I didn't stay. Not even with yours mate.

Lessons learnt:
1. Always, always, always insist on a recent photo. No head shots.
2. All internet girls are fat*
3. If they 'lock up' for 5 minutes, theres something horribly wrong with them.

*based on the one girl I met.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 19:45, Reply)