Sent, not received
My family lived in France for 4 years before returning to Scotland, so we would keep in touch with our french friends through the occasional letter, and Christmas gifts.

One year my mother thought it would be nice to send them a traditional christmas pudding. She went the whole hog, home-made, small silver charms wrapped in paper inside, and the finishing touch of a sprig of holly on the top.

A couple of months later (March, I think) we got a letter from our friends thanking us for the kind gift:

"Thank you for the lovely plant you sent us. We watered it every day but unfortunately it died."
(Flurble - The Innocent One, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 11:13, Reply)

Double mix up
My ageing (and now rotting) gran once gave my sister and I stockings bought from the local supermarket filled with little toys and sweets. Unfortunately she managed to get them muddled up, and i got the "Good Girl" stocking and my sister got the "Good Boy" one. To make matters worse, my gran had forgotten we were human - the stockings, containing mini marabones and jingley toys, were for cats and dogs. Bless.
(Slinkachuu, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 11:42, Reply)

My Mate...
Must have drawn the short straw when it comes to stingy relatives.
This one concerns his older brother.

One year, he was curious what said sibling could have got him, for he had noticed him holding a paper bag preciously close behind his back all morning.
He tried so hard to sneak a peek, but his brother didn't allow him a single look inside.
When finally he eagerly came to ask for his present, the bag was whipped out, his brother shoved his hand in, crumpled it around inside-

- and punched him, without modesty, in the face.

Not just the forehead, I mean full-on face.


Still, at least he'd gone to the trouble of getting a bag.
(Turnipton, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 22:54, Reply)

Half a dead rabbit...
...generously left for me by my cat.
(Or was it half a rat? Guts of something...Yuk). Crap present.
Stupid cat. I wanted a Playstation.

Edit: plus side - no 'thankyou' letter required as cat can't read.
(Rata-tat-atouille, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:09, Reply)

I am the shoddy present princess!
My great aunt is absolutely loaded, but insists on buying me and my family tatty wrongness from carboots. One such speciality was my 16th birthday present: a second hand glass jelly mould and a pair of springy, self-tying shoelaces. Mortified. My mum also once got a pair of two left handed gloves, would have been ok, had she not been blessed with both a left and a right hand at birth. Dad's was the best though, Christmas a few years ago, all the family gathered round, he opens the big box (wrapped in wallpaper samples i add) and he is presented by a fuck off box of mushroom compost and six heavy-duty garden refuse sacks. I had to immediately leave in a fit of hysterics. It's coming up for my 22nd birthday, i'm thinking of getting the parents to tell her i've died, as i am not sure if my delicate soul can take any more!
(madamebonsoir, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 12:23, Reply)

"A fucking bus conductor's outfit..."
Round about this time of year when we were kids my nan asked me and my brother what we wanted to be when we grew up. I gave a typically kiddy answer and said I wanted to be an astronaut, my younger brother (who would have been all of 5 years old at the time) said he wanted to be a bus conductor. After all the grown-ups had stopped laughing at this we had a biscuit and it was all forgotten about.

Or so we thought.

So Christmas rolls around and it comes to nan's presents. I was only a kid so I didn't even sense the worst when I saw my brother open up a shiny astronaut outfit. I eagerly tore the paper off hoping for something equally as cool only to be confronted with a fucking bus conductor's outfit. The silly mare had got our 'dream jobs' mixed up.

If I can find it I'll post the photo of me and my brother in front of the christmas tree in our outfits. Him pretending to be walking without gravity and looking like Spaceman Spiff and me looking dead miserable in a fucking bus conductor's outfit complete with a fucking ticket machine.

They even made me give out tickets everytime someone entered or left the room.

Fucking bus conductors.
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 13:25, Reply)

bastard
My brother once went to tremendous lengths to give me a present I'd always remember. He got up extremely early, took a shit in a metal box, wrapped it up and slipped it into my pile of gifts. It was a surprise, I'll give him that.

The next year I gave him a box of live crickets.
(pb4ugo2bed, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:09, Reply)

Spooge Goggles
When I was in the military, I was roomates with this young lass who was always having crazy sex with her boyfriend that culminated in her getting spooged at in the eye. This would be followed up with a trip to sick call for massive pinkeye infection, whereupon the doctor would sigh and give her some drops. A couple weeks later, the same thing would happen. I tried to talk to her about the finer aspects of oral sex and the need for her to avert her head but apparently she didn't listen.

Somewhere in the midst of all this sexual eye infection problem, there was a big military christmas shindig, all formal and obligatory, with our uniforms all pressed and our commanding officers present. These guys were so stiff I wanted to check them to see if they had a pulse, at they stared at all of us with laser eyes and were followed around by some poor soul who took notes on the festivities.

The best part of the whole damn thing was when we all gathered around so that the enlisted folk (that was me and my peers) could exchange their secret santa gifts.

Imagine my roomate's surprise when she opened her box to discover a pair of laboratory goggles with a big engraved metal tag hanging off of them that said, "SPOOGE GOGGLES".

About 25 enlisted people, in full dress blues, had to run to the bathroom real quick whereupon we all collapsed against the stalls in a fit of hysterical laughter.
(Igneous, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 17:14, Reply)

trickery not to plan
my mum liked to disguise presents in various boxes so i could not tell what it was from the shape and size of the package. my mum had some very interesting ways to do this and every year i was baffled trying to figure out what i was to open on christmas morning. i think my aunt decided to employ this technique one year, i must have been about 10. my dad had me on video camera - this huge shoulder mounted thing from the mid 80's! all the attention seemed to be on as i fervently tore the wrapping off to expose a kellogs cornflakes box. sensing that this was surelypart of my aunts trickery i opened the box to find that indeed i had recieved a half eaten box of kellogs cornflakes. as you can imagine i wasnt very impressed but still being the polite child i was i thanked her for the gift. a week later my aunt gave me my real present, which i think was an action man covered in milk with a spoon through his neck.
( MagicallyInept Bored Sig., Thu 23 Sep 2004, 10:37, Reply)

Not me, but a friend
A friends cousin bought their grandmother one of those steady hand games with the metal hoop for put through a wire circuit.

She's got parkinsons.
(Hythe, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 17:52, Reply)

All true...
My dad grew up as one of five kids in Ashton-in-Makerfield near Manc (think Brassed Off, people eating coal, whippets in flat caps, etc.) His family weren't very well off. He also had the misfortune to be born on Boxing Day.

One year when he was about nine, the starry-eyed little boy opens his present on Christmas morning, eagerly unwrapping the paper, fingers trembling with excitement, he pulls out....a glove. A single red knitted glove.

The next day, he opens his birthday present. It was the other glove.

Breaks yer heart, doesn't it?
(jennymnemonic, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 22:06, Reply)

Birthday in the clouds
We were on holiday in South Africa on my 11th Birthday and were due to get an internal flight from Johannesburg to Cape Town.

Disaster struck, however, as the flight got delayed... indefinitely!!!

After about 6 hours sitting in that cesspit of an airport (by which time it was about 2'o'clock at night and nothing was open), the manager from the airline came down to apologise. My mum mentioned it was my birthday that day, so the guy promised me that he would come back and give me a present - Customer relations and all that.

Anyhow, about half an hour later, the man returned, handed me a small, rectangular box with a picture of an aeroplane on the front! I was very polite though, and thanked the man for the thoughtful gesture. He left to get on with his job (badly), and I excitedly opened my gift, wondering what was inside!

Could it be a model aeroplane? - It would be slightly ironic, but at least it might pass the time!
Could it be free tickets for another holiday? the least I would expect after being treated so badly.

Alas, no. When I opened the box, I looked inside and saw...




Nothing.

That BASTARD had given me an EMPTY BOX for my birthday! An EMPTY FUCKING BOX with a picture of the FUCKING AEROPLANE we should have been on 6 HOURS AGO!

And to top it all off, we had to wait 10 hours in total for the flight.

Great Birthday.
(tom_m525, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 20:19, Reply)

Puddles
Last year for my birthday, I was given a puddle. Scooped up in a jar. There was a note tied round it, saying 'don't forget to feed your new puddle!'
Eh?
(Nearly, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 18:35, Reply)

The Wanking Pigeons of Babylon
Not a present I received, but one I gave. To a long-term girlfriend about ten years back, with whom it's fair to say the spark had faded somewhat.

She kept pestering me to bestow upon her the romantic gift of a love poem. After several months of nagging I elected to bring matters to a head by presenting her with the following romantic verse, written in a "Good Luck" card:-

"The Wanking Pigeons of Babylon"
Look at the stoat
He is a goat.

We are no longer together.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 16:24, Reply)

Worse than shit presents
want to know what else i got on christmas/boxing day?

1. chlamydia
2. 24 stitches
3. 3 points on my driving licence
4. blow job from cousin (it was dark!)

as you can tell christmas is not the best for me
( MagicallyInept Bored Sig., Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:52, Reply)

When I
was about 3, we had one of those Father Christmas clones come to our playschool. I had sent my letter only a few days earlier (in my house we used to burn the letter in the fireplace, and all the little sparks going up the chimney were fairies taking the note to Father Christmas. Was it just my Mum and Dad being cheap, or did anyone else's parents do this?) and asked for a train set, toy guns etcetc.

I got a book

"The Magic Porridge Pot"

So I punched Father Christmas as hard as I could on the nose, in front of all the other kids and Mums. My Mum was dead embarrassed. Serves him right though. Git.
(mutley, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 12:35, Reply)

Mad Grandparents, guaranteed to liven up christmas
Not sure if this quite fits...

One day I was round at my Grandma's sorting out some wiring for her, she popped her head round the door to say she was going down to the shops and would I like anything? I asked her to pick me up a mars bar as I was starving

Later on she came back and said "I didn't get you a Mars bar but I've got you a packet of batteries instead"

Yummy.....

Also one year she gave me a tin of tea for christmas, I'm violently allergic to tea and have been all my life, do you think she was trying to tell me something?
(Cliche Guevara Predicatably revolutionary since, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 14:59, Reply)

I have had the usual run of birthday crap from demented relatives,
but if you want truly useless gifts, you need to get married.

I am 37, once divorced, and re-married last year. Despite having lived with Mrs Godstar for 7 years and owning everything we need and then some, we decided to spoil it all and actually wed. (When I say "we", you understand......).

Did a list. A sensible list of affordable items that would actually be used and thus stir fond thoughts of donors. Spoke to all guests individually. Put a reminder with the invites. And the travel directions. Invited those who didn't want to use the list to donate to the charity of our or their choice.

We still received some fucking unbelievable tat. China figurines of hideous ugliness. Several sets of poorly designed glassware that would destroy the flavour and bouquet of any wine (I am a renowned foodie, and have all the glasses I will ever need from working in retail) - including a set of "goblets" that cannot be drunk from as they are square and do not fit the human mouth. Pewter cruet set that rusts at the mere thought of salt. Picture frames - at least they can be recycled as gifts to distant relatives - except the 12" high china ormolu one, which I am keeping to frighten future offspring with. Best of all - the wrought iron THING. We don't know what it is. Nor do the people who gave it - I called them up and asked what the fuck it was supposed to be, and was it something from their recent wedding that they were dumping on us - no, they bought it from a trendy shop thinking it was artistic. It has gone into my mother-in-laws basement and is staying there until the world ends.

I should also make it clear that we live in London, but got married in Ottawa as my wife is half Canadian, half Italian. The iron THING alone weighs more than our combined baggage allowance.

As with most things in life, I draw the conclusion that people mean well, but are daft cunts at heart.
( godstar, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 12:21, Reply)

Very poor taste.
A friend's gran was in hospital suffering from diabetes. The unfortunate old lady had had to have both legs amputated below the knee as a result of the disease.

Anyway, a teenage cousin ahd obviously stopped at the garage on the way to buy her a gift.

Evidently lacking enough IQ to fill a thimble he presented her with a pair of tights and a chocolate bar.
(Peelmytangerines, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 18:18, Reply)

Father Christmas
I think I was about four or five when I went to the Father Christmas who was residing in the local covered market.

He gave me a DUSTPAN AND BRUSH. to a five year old. Yeah, cheers.

The next day in my school journal I wrote about this experience. 'I went to see father christmas and he gave me a dustpan and brush'

when it came back from marking the teacher had noted 'Lucky girl!' Even then I could see the sarcasm dripping off the page.
(Rondette, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:23, Reply)

Get Well Soon
A couple of years ago, I had a motorbike accident and broke a leg and an arm. I spent a couple of weeks in the local hospital in pot and looking like something out of a bad british sitcom.

Sick of miscelleneous rewarmed meat from the hospital trolley, I asked my Dad to bring me in a bit of fruit - traditional grapes would be fine but whatever you can get.

Fucker brought me a coconut. And stood and pissed himself whilst I banged it against my cast with my one good hand to try and open the cunt.
(Greatest Bloke, Sun 26 Sep 2004, 17:40, Reply)

Rude gardening tool.
Not me, but a friend...

My friend had a rather large black vibrator in his car as the result of a long-running 'let's see who can leave the funniest object in an embarrassing place' game. He gave it to the old duffer who tended the flower boarders at the local petrol station as an even funnier 'joke'

To this day, the old boy is extremely pleased with his 'electric dibber' and uses it regularly to 'plant out his seedlings'. Missus.
(clapper, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 14:31, Reply)

My dad...
...got me a book about biscuits for Christmas. I pointed out that this was a poor (and pretty cheap-arsed) present, and he replied "But you like biscuits". Bastard.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 14:11, Reply)

i once got a girlfriend a pair of slippers and a dildo.
she said she didnt like the slippers.

i told her to go and fuck herself.

sorry
(incredible wrongun, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 14:06, Reply)

Granny gets the last laugh
I'm one of those people who's Dad didn't like his first bunch of kids, so decided to 'do a better job' with a new batch.

As a result of this, I have an annoying 11 yr old 'brother'. Most kids love pressies, but this little sod takes the biscuit for demanding behaviour, selfishness and ungratefulness.

When my Gran arrived for a visit after an 8 hour flight, he immediately started harrassing her for gifts before she'd even got her shoes off or a cup of tea.

With a glint in her eye she promised him she'd got him something 'very special' and went into her luggage looking for it.

He arrived back in the kitchen, his eyes close to brimming over, his face a picture of disappointment holding a bag of airline peanuts.

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Nice one gran!
(Peelmytangerines, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 18:12, Reply)

Aids.

( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 14:04, Reply)

unfortunately..
this wasn't my present, but a friend of mine. it was his birthday, and that evening, his friends came round for some binge-drinking. ofcourse, they came in through the backdoor, accompanied by the present:

a live sheep with 'happy birthday' spraypainted on its coat...

I hear it tasted quite good.
(radja, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 8:01, Reply)

crap presents
My husband is from a moneyed family on the East Coast. They have no idea of appropriate gift giving.

His elderly aunt gave my firstborn a cheapass shoddy rubber squeaky dog toy as a christening present. In her defense, I shall say she is legally blind. The funny part is my kid loved it and still has it.

One year his sister gave us some high end, very expensive COAT HANGERS! I looked throught the rest of the box to find the real present, but nope...

When we were engaged, his mom gave me her grandmother's diamond ring but with a caveat: "When you get divorced, the ring has to stay in the family so give it back." I declined the ring.

Another Christmas his other sister sent us this big exciting box. Upon opening, it proved to be a beautiful, gorgeous, fabulous present for Hubby. I must have had "Where the hell's mine?" on my face, because she earnestly explained that she felt if he was happy, then we would be happy as a couple.

These people have so much money and so little sense.

And when his born-again Christian brother would leave to go home, he would shake everyone's hand and say "See you later" to his mom and one sister who were religious enough for him and "Goodbye" to his Catholic brother. Because after all, if hubby died, he was going straight to hell and Kip would end up in heaven never to see his brother again. Asshole. Cranberrying asshole. I hate him. If we ever have "Berks of the Century" qotw, I have front page stories.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 2:22, Reply)

Quite bizarre was our mad nan
I got a clacking machine gun - with some kind of red plastic thing on the end that sparked. My sister got a tea set.

Oh yes - I was 27, she was 25. Nan was fucked - big time.
(drydo, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 0:35, Reply)

Hydroponic Christmas Shopping
Went Christmas shopping several years back while highly annihilated on a potent strain of smoke. After sitting in my car for about fifteen minutes contemplating the state of my dashboard, I went in to the store to go shopping. I, in my mentally devastated state, purchased the following items for various members of my family:

Dad: Bag of Marbles. I thought this was hilarious and laughed in the toy aisle for a while until I got paranoid I was going to be kicked out. I should note that my Dad is an engineer who smiles about once a month and listens to opera for fun. He was baffled by my gift. And, the next day, so was I.

Sister: A fake leather shirt, two sizes too small and with a big bow on it. Note: Sister is a tomboy and likes t-shirts.

Other Sister: One of those pillows you use in bed to prop yourself up while reading. It was bright blue with an awful courdoroy pattern - nice & stiff, guaranteed to give someone instant backache.

Boyfriend: A Teakettle from a Second Hand Store. It was copper . . . at one time. When I bought it, it was grey and smelled like mold inside. When my boyfriend looked at me, confused, I yelled, "BUT IT HAS A PATINA!!!!"
(Igneous, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 19:08, Reply)