Every year a new marvel
My Mam has to be the worst present buyer ever, but strangely enough just when she gets presents for me...
I've been the recipient of a diary/organiser set based on different types of flowers and birthstones which i have never displayed the remotest interest in.

Last year was a goodun, while my younger sister got a lovely pair of brushed cotton, navy blue pyjamas with moons on, i got an awful set of pink synthetic pyjamas covered in stars and with 'cute ' written on the front, complete with a lovely set of matching MC Hammer pants (think huge at the top then a lovely tapering effect on the bottom just to make your legs look extra tree trunk like) bear in mind i've never worn pink in my life and i'm 24, cute doesn't really apply anymore.

The piece de resistance had to be a set of earrings. I've never ever had my ears pierced in my life. I don;t know what i've done to my Mother to piss her of so much, but i'm dreading this Christmas
(kendoddsdadsdogsdead, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 17:08, Reply)

Senile Grandma
My grandmother gave me a check for $2.50 for my bithday, with a note saying that I should use it to buy a couple pairs of pants. Thus showing that she was not only too senile to have any sense of what things cost these days, but also that she intended to buy me clothes (which is, of course, the worst), but didn't even want to bother going through the trouble to do so. Well, at least it gave me a good laugh. RIP Grandma.
(Frezedriedelvis, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 17:04, Reply)

Grans eh? who'd 'av 'em
Last Christmas my gran got me an electric windscreen de-icer and a battery powered lock de-icer. I only live in Liverpool!

My sister got me a bar of soap.

My godfather gave me a shower cap, though that did have a giant monty python style inflatable hand of god on the top, so that was actually pretty cool.

But soap?
(donksta, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 16:59, Reply)

Crappy Kettle
My great aunt once gave me a camera that didnt work when I was ten. She also gave my Dad a kettle with a bloody great hole in the bottom. It would have been quite sweet and endearing if the old crone hadnt been stinking rich!
(itsalloneword, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 16:24, Reply)

Parting gift that made it all so much better
When I was 17 my girlfriend dumped me and left a carrier bag on my doorstep, containing of all the little things I'd bought her over the past year.

It contained an extra item, a Marathon bar (that's a Snickers, kids)

The accompanying note said it was "for the inconvenience".

Bitch.
(LordElph, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 16:20, Reply)

my mate badger
got a kit-kat wrapper from his grandmother
it was one which went blue in the fridge and she thought he'd like it

he also get some jeans from his parents which they made him pay for
(John Doe, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 16:14, Reply)

Posh aftershave.....for girls
When I was about 14 I was given a bottle of Obsession aftershave. I would proudly splash this all over before going to school discos, youth clubs etc.

It was a year before I realised that I didn't actually have a bottle of Obsession *for men*. I had been stinking of the ladies variety at every sodding event of my pubescent social calender.

Thanks mum.
(LordElph, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 16:14, Reply)

It's my 18th on sunday
a bunch of relatives and family friends are coming...

watch this space
(Slurpy The Frog, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 16:14, Reply)

Worst Christmas present
A baby - and I was a virgin! I named him Jesus...
(DayvidBerdo, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 15:50, Reply)

tight c0w
my aunt loves Christmas and would make all her own decorations and spend a fortune on her children and grandchildren...but sadly not me... i got random shite.....one year after being given a set of 4 brown glass mugs the year before I had high hopes when I ripped off the paper to see a portable CD player...woo and yay...ran over to auntie gave her big hug and kiss...."no dear open the box"...er OK I thought...humour her...i know that the CD player will look like the one in the box......and what was inside....a pair of M&S brown tights... sigh.....
(purrecious, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 15:49, Reply)

Capt'n Fabulous
Well, of course, we 'ad it tough! I had to get up at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work 29 hours a day down at the mill and pay the mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our mother and father would kill us and dance on our graves singing Halleluja.

Aye, and you try telling young people of today that. And they won't believe you.
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 15:42, Reply)

ungrateful bastards, the
lot of you.
at christmas we used to have to get up five hours before we went to bed, then our dad used to beat us to death with a stick.
if we were lucky.
(Capt'n Fabulous, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 15:38, Reply)

Bath Cubes
A distant cousin/plonker insisted on buying bath cubes for my gran despite being told on numerous occasions that:-
a) she couldn't use the bath as she was too old to get in and out of it!
b) she suffered from a skin condition that would be aggravated by scented products such as bloody bath cubes.
(what day is it?, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 15:34, Reply)

Couple of years ago...
my dad bought a brush-head for my mum for christmas.

Her disbelief turned to anger when he produced the corresponding broomstick, wrapped with a shiny bow

remarkably they are still together...
(McFlu, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 15:32, Reply)

I'm a vegan. My relatives know this. But they seem to be unaware of what a vegan actually is. So I keep getting FUCKING MILK CHOCOLATES!!! Bastards!

My uncle, aunt and little cousins are considerably richer than my own immediate family, and they normally get me some HMV vouchers, or sometimes something mundane but at least tasteful like picture frames, which is just fine by me. Last Winter Presents Day (we're atheists in my family, so we celebrate that instead of Christmas) they, to my surprise, instead got me some milk chocolate (grrrrrrr!) truffles and a pen. A FUCKING PEN!!! What the FUCK kind of a present is that?! Grrrr!
It was actually quite a woo pen, but still, it couldn't've been more than a fiver.

My paternal granny seems to have no idea what age my brothers and I are. One of my brothers has Down's Syndrome and as such severe learning difficulties, so you wouldn't be expected to give him stuff for a normal 16 year-old. But my granny keeps giving him stuff for 3 year-olds. Good thing his learning difficulties are too severe for him to give a shit. I get really random things that aren't crap per se but aren't what I want at all. The latest was a gold locket. I'm not the sort of person who'd be seen dead with a locket. The year before was a round box too little to actually store anything in, with a twinkly plastic-resin snowman on top. That was actually pretty shit. And she keeps giving my dad videos for kids, like Snow White. In her house her husband is the only person allowed to even breathe on the VCR, and she seems to think the same is true of my dad in our house (it isn't; even my Down's Syndrome brother has his own VCR), so gives the videos to him so he can look after them. She is well-meaning, but just mad. Every time I go round to her house I have to keep reminding her that I don't eat milk, butter, fish, etc.

In my immediate family we do have a tradition of giving each other stupid presents in addition to the nice ones, but we say the silly presents are from the animals (the cats, the chicken, etc.). One year I gave my dad a box of drawing pins (30p from the duka) saying they were from my rat.
( Bob Todd whee, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 15:21, Reply)

I was 16........
...it was christmas. My Nan bought me a big blue and green jumper with the word 'Special' written across the front. For fucks sake. The worst thing was that she was usually an excellent present giver and could be relied upon to give large amounts of cash or whatever you asked for.
Anyway. The jumper went into the wardrobe never to be seen again. Until my girlfriend at the time had her time of the month. So we employed the jumper as a bed protection tool whilst we were on the job. About a year later my mum was going through my wardrobe to collect some clothes to pass on to a younger cousin and the jumper went with.
I like to think I gave it a good life. And that it eventually got washed.
( Evil Bastardo, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 15:08, Reply)

Clothes from my Aunt in the US of A
Every year my Aunt comes over from America and brings her interpretation of the latest fashion for my brother and I.

This year I got a blue suede waistcoat and and orange hunters hat with real rabbit fur around the brim, and my brother got a bright yellow Nike jogging top which is XXXXXXL size (he is a medium in size)and a purple hunters hat with real rabbit fur. I am 34, my brother is 38. Last year I got a pair of shorts which were 'Whale size' and he got green and brown snow flake jumper.

These sorts of random gifts have been received every year for the past 30 years. At least it keeps the local charity shop happy.
( Toma_o, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 15:04, Reply)

Shoddy Parents
My parents (well, my mum) still insist on buying me clothes as gifts. I'm 37.
(SneakyPete, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 14:56, Reply)

Empty
For christmas my nan (Who was a few sandwitches short of a picnic),(shes dead now but she was on her way this christmas) Anyway she gave me a bottle of ladies perfume (a ladie which im not) No twunting purfume just a fucking glass bottle, daft cow.
(OldGregg Wanna Go To A Club Where People Wee On Each Other, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 14:45, Reply)

Scrooge
My girlfriends ex-husband once gave her a present for Christmas....and this was literally all she received:

Some Allen keys. Tight bastard.

Needless to say I have so far managed to be more generous than that!
(fried gold, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 14:41, Reply)

"special" birthday gifts
for my landmark 21st birthday my first husband gave me a potato peeler from the hardware shop below our flat. on my 30th my mother in law gave me a pair of black woolen tights. the only present i received for my 18th was a plastic key....
( nbby notkins, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 14:40, Reply)

Smelly Old Chicken Lady
My grandparents lived in Stornoway, I grew up in Oz. Trips to see them therefore lasted longer than an afternoon. When I was 11, my mum, my sister and I stayed with them for about 5 months. During this time, I was often dispatched over the road to help Bessie. Bessie was a smelly, slightly mad, very hairy and initially scary old lady. She kept chickens, loads of them. The road outside her house was literally covered in guano and the smell was staggering. Not being as sprightly as she used to be, it was my job to rummage through the byre and the gorse bushes to find the eggs. This was pretty laborious, and Bessie, who I quickly realised was not a mad old witch, but was actually quite sweet, was very grateful. Her gratitude manifested itself in mars bars by the tonne. Brilliant. If I'd had forceps I would have been extracting eggs for chocolate as soon as I could.
Anyway, my birthday loomed, and Bessie wanted to get me a present to repay my hard work. Ever the practical Scot, she opted for vests and y-fronts. So what? I hear you ask. The problem was the size. Being unsure, she bought me (11, 4.5 feet tall, perhaps 6 stone) the same size my grandfather (70, 6 foot 4, 19 stone) wore. My mum, for her own amusement, had me try them on. The vest came to my knees and the pants would not stay up. I had to keep them nonetheless.
I wish the story ended there....
A few months later, mum had been busy and the washing had not been done. I kicked up a fuss about not having clean pants. Mum's turbo memory kicked in....
I spent the whole day at school getting no end of stick for wearing y fronts that simultaneously hung over the waistband and dangled out the legs of my shorts.

No amount of length or girth would have filled them.
(I am the infinite monkey!, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 14:37, Reply)

Gran, bless her
One year, about a month before Chrimbo, I was chatting to my Graqn and the subject of the festive season was raised. As I was sick of receiving weird/surreal/second-hand shite from her local market, I thought I'd be adult and make a suggestion. Hmm...but what? Got it! A book token.

Surely I couldn't go wrong? Surely the perfect, neutral, easy pressie in the world for my gran to get?

WRONG. Imagine my joy when "Reggae Hits Vol 3" ( Featuring Aswad! Shabba Ranks! Chaka Demus and Pliers!) peeked out from under the second-hand wrapping paper.

Old people are rubbish
(fried gold, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 14:32, Reply)

grandmas
my friend jessica is the middle one of three. every time they saw her grandma, she would slip them some money. a tenner for her older brother. a tenner for her younger sister. and a ten pence piece for jess. and the christmas before she died, brother and sister got a cheque for £50 each. jess got one pair of tights from a multipack and a used lipstick. she never did find out what she did to offend the old lady...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 14:30, Reply)

cancer
it was around the same time that someone stole my wheelchair
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 14:30, Reply)

Pathetic Godparents
Absolutely loaded godparents, think this could be a good thing, but no, sure they were pricy presents but they were shite presents. Up until I was about ten I used to get a benneton outfit for my birthday every year, so fucking luminous they practically glowed in the dark, I would have to model these and get pictures taken and then they were saved (oh the torment, please, mother, let me wear my hideous clothes) and I would then be forced to wear them Christmas day. This was the only day I ever wore those outfits. These various monstrosities included purple chords, bright pink tights and yellow jumpers. The presents stopped after I my 10th (im 16 now) and now they don't even recognise me on the street.

This has been proven as I once said hi face to face and got a puzzled look but no reply after which they walked away.
(Quiet, you!, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 14:23, Reply)

My dad always gives me crap presents
not cheap presents, just things that I would never in my life want.

The worst was one year, he was asking what I might want for my birthday, and off the top of his head said "do you want a telescope?". So I said, emphatically, "no - I do NOT want a telescope". I mean, why the fuck would I want a telescope?

So what did he get me? Only a fucking telescope.
( dr_fonz, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 14:23, Reply)

Doggy goodness
My friend (hope you're reading, D) was once given a navy t-shirt by his grandmother that had a glittery transfer print on it of a golden labradors head. The labradors tongue was hanging out.

He was in his twenties, and actually I would wear this now. The joke is in fact on me. Again.
(clapper, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 14:21, Reply)

Matchbox
My cousin came over from for Christmas after years spent in South Africa and gave me a Matchbox car carwash.

I was about 18 years old at the time. She hadn't seen me for over ten years and mentally preserved me as a nipper. Luckily, being a loathsome ironic student at the time, i quite liked the He-Man video and colouring book that she also gave me so i didn't have to feign joy.
(mudflaps, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 14:16, Reply)

Rupert the Bear jumper
I got a Rupert the Bear jumper when I was about seven. I wasn't too young to know that Rupert was a mondo dillbreath, and that no self-respecting man could wear the furry, yellow-scarfed, rhyming-couplet-living nonce emblazoned across their chest. My aunt had probably heard me say 'I like Rupert the Bear' or something a few months before hand, not remembering that a few months in the mind of an under ten is like a whole fashion era in grown-up time. Needless to say, I absolutely threw down...and have got amazing presents ever since. Look and learn, kids - tantrums work.
(Adrian Monk, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 14:14, Reply)