Christmas
Its all about, edam, roule, cheddar and stilton. Yes Christmas is all about cheeses.





actually no, it should be about a number of baby-bells...the baby cheeses.

out
( awsm! namaste bitches, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 8:49, Reply)

A piece of Red Tarmac and a piece of Green Tarmac
Where sitting in a pub having a drink. A piece of Clack Tarmac walks in.

"Barman." says Red Tarmac, "One for the road"
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 8:46, 4 replies)

Dash to the Outhouse
by Willy Makit and Betty Woant, Illustrated by Andy Didnt
(SillyMoo, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 8:41, Reply)

Some Punny Books
In The Woods - By Teresa Green

The Yellow Stream - By I P Daily

Gordon Brown's Autobiography - By Anne R Saul
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 8:27, 4 replies)

Dwarf Fortune Teller escaped from gaol
the papers said Small Medium at Large
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 8:10, Reply)

Little Johnny
Little Johnny, prior to growing up and becoming the Australian Prime Minister, attended his local school and in 2nd grade had a teacher Miss Ashley, A sweet young thing right out of teachers collage.

A few weeks into 1st term and Miss Ashley is teaching the kids about syllables and how a single word can have several syllables. As the lesson progressed she asked the kids in the class to give her examples of a three syllable word and to use it in a sentence.

Young Mary, the goodie two shoes of the class raised her hand and said.

"PROP-ER-TY" - "The desks we sit at are school property"

very good said Miss Ashley

Jason the class nerd raised his hand and when asked suggested.

"RE-CESS-ION" - "Because the American failed to regulate their banking system we are now in a global recession" (topical nerd he was too).

Little Johnny was busting for a turn but, Miss Ashley ignored him remembering previous occasions he had raised his hand to answer questions but, no one else had raised their hand and eventually she had no choice but, to choose him.

"URINATE" said Johnny. Thinking it better to show no emotion rather than make a big deal Miss Ashley replied, OK Johnny, now use it in a sentence.

"My old man reckons you're an eight but, with bigger tits you would be a 10"
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 8:05, Reply)

utter pish
What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals? phillipe phillope.
(biscuit bill, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 8:04, 2 replies)

I was in a Chinese restaurant....
...having some dinner, when I noticed that one of the specials was for the Chef to cook his world famous stir fry at your table.

I looked up from the menu and saw that the Chef was cooking one of his stir fried for somebody else, I took this as an opportunity to see how this worked.

The Chef took his wok and threw the vegetables in. I was taken aback as the wok was quite small. The Chef mixed in some chicken and soy sauce and within 10 minutes the whole stir fry was done. The Chef presented it to the diner and bowed.

Without even touching the food, the diner started to season his food. He picked up the cruet set and started flavouring his food.

The Chef went scarlet. I mean, he was fuming! For some reason, the Chef took the seasoning of his food as some sort of insult. The next few seconds, I couldn't believe.....

The Chef snatched the pot from the diner and threw it square at his head, causing a nasty cut on his head. Whilst the diner was trying to recover from that, the Chef picked up his small wok and repeatedly started hitting the diner with it.

It took 3 waiters to pull the Chef off the diner. The ambulance and police eventually turned up. The paramedics pronounced the diner dead. So the police arrested the Chef.

I wasn't eating here, so I left.

Next morning, I was reading the local paper and they'd reported on this incident. The Chef was arrested and charged with......

"A-Salt-with-Deadly-Wee-Pan"!

I'll be here all week....unfortunately.....
(The Stig, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 7:46, 1 reply)

A leper visits a prostitute.
After they have finished thier business and the prostitute is leaving he says to her:

'You can keep the tip'
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 7:42, Reply)

DId you hear about the circumciser who lost his job?
he slipped and got the sack



and they will get worse from here.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 7:38, 1 reply)

The baker's shop.
I went to a baker's shop and asked "Have you got any jokes about the news?"

The baker replied "Certainly, sir! We have many jokes about Madeline McCann, they're very popular with readers of B3ta.com."

I left the shop. Their current puns weren't fresh......!





I thang yew!
(The Stig, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 7:37, Reply)

No idea about this one!
Scene: tense submarine drama

Captain: Load an explosive Peurto Rican into the torpedo tubes!

Torpodo Officer: Come on Juan, in you get!

Explosive Puerto Rican: Non! Non! Not Juan!

Captain: FIRE JUAN!











sorry. I'm really sorry about that.
(corinoco is waiting for the revolution., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 7:34, Reply)

Could've qualified for the Dad Jokes QOTW
Fortunately I missed that one first time around.

My dad is the world champion at making pungent puns (no, that's not a pun there). At first I ridiculed them, but over time I began to look past the failed humour at the craft of making them.

This is the ripest:

A while back, around Christmas, our dog (a bichon frise, small white curly haired) had grown his hair long and it was starting to resemble white dreadlocks. One of us remarked on this.

My dad replied "Maybe he's just trying to get into the festive spirit."

I could sense the dad joke, but totally didn't get it. My sister, however, thought for a second and acknowledge it with an "oh."

Here's how it went.
1 Dreadlocks = Rastafarianism
2 Rastafarianism = Bob Marley
3 Bob Marley = Jacob Marley (the ghost in A Christmas Carol)
4 Jacob Marley = festive

Ta da!
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 7:32, 2 replies)

Even older.
I had this neat compass I got for a birthday present - it was a really nice vintage one, made by some company called 'Tates'

Whenever I used it though, I always got lost. One day I noticed than at sunrise, the compass said North was the direction the sun was rising - clearly this was a crap compass.

Later, I learned that he who has a Tates is lost, which explained everything.

Crap, now I'm late for dinner.
(corinoco is waiting for the revolution., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 7:29, Reply)

Old. As in hills.
Did you hear about the bus conductor who commtited a couple of murders a few years back?

The judge sentenced him to death - in the electric chair.

The day came, they strapped him in, flicked the switch and BBBZZZZZTTT

Nothing.

He sat there, smiling, so the guards zapped him again. KKKRRRZZZZZTTT! BZZZZTTTT!

Nothing, he's laughing by now.

They shock him again SSSPPPPKKKZZZZZTTTTTTTTTT!

He's laughing uncontollably by now. The gaurds shrug and let him go - the chair works, and the rules say that if the prisoner survives 3 shocks and lives, then they are let free.

The prison officer asks him "I don't understand, you took 50,000 volts, how did you survive?"

Oh, I'm a VERY BAD CONDUCTOR!" was the reply.

Boom tish.
(corinoco is waiting for the revolution., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 7:26, 2 replies)

Two Jamaicans...

One says "My wifes gone on holiday"

The other says "To Britain?"

The first says, "No way, it's a fucking shithole!".
(David CopAFeel Used to be The_Elcat - Spouting crap since 1970., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 7:23, Reply)

Two Jamaicans...
One says "My wifes gone on holiday"

The other says "To Britain?"

The first says, "No, she went of her own accord".
(beatpig understands subliminalesbianmessagaying., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 6:48, Reply)

Mother-in-law jokes!!
"My mother-in-law went to Kingston on Saturday."

"Oh Jamaica?"

"No, she went of her own accord."
(Que?, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 6:46, Reply)

A blonde
walks into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre.

So he gave her one.



OK, borderline, I know....
(David CopAFeel Used to be The_Elcat - Spouting crap since 1970., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 6:23, 2 replies)

This is shit. Really.
A group was trekking through the Amazon Jungle when some of the group were struck with near-crippling constipation.
The group found a local tribe, who sent them into the jungle in search of a rare fern, whose leaves were to be used on their bunged up rectums.
The search for the ferns took 2 days, but they dutifully took the fern leaves back to the tribe, who made a special paste which was then applied to the ringpieces of the suffering group.
That night, each one of the constipated group's bowels released and they were able to pass normally.
The next morning, the translator for the group said "Those ferns were amazing, we thought we'd end up in hospital getting colonics"
The chief and shaman of the tribe looked at them and said solemnly "Well, with fronds like that, who needs enemas?"
(David CopAFeel Used to be The_Elcat - Spouting crap since 1970., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 5:49, Reply)

Vroom
A man goes to the doctor, fairly distressed.

"Doctor, I've noticed that every time I pass wind it makes a very strange noise"

The doctor gets the patient to go into the examination room and take a seat.

"See, every time I get flatulent, it does this..." and raises his leg and lets forth with a trouser trumpet. Only instead of a raspberry sound, the fart sounded a solid "Honda!"

"Ah, yes" said the Doctor, "You have an abscess. Take this medicine and see me in a week"

"An abscess you say, Doc?"

"Yes, abscess makes the fart go Honda"




Ok, leaving...
(David CopAFeel Used to be The_Elcat - Spouting crap since 1970., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 5:40, Reply)

The name ones below remind me of long forgotten ones....
What do you call a man with a rabbit shoved up his arse?
Warren

What do you call a man in a hole in the ground?
Doug

What do you call a man with No arms and no legs in front of the door?
Matt

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under a car?
Jack
(David CopAFeel Used to be The_Elcat - Spouting crap since 1970., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 5:34, 2 replies)

Roasted pea, anyone?
The year was 1986. We walked like Egyptians. Bon Jovi said you gave love a bad name (whereas I thought lust gave me cramp in my wanking hand). Lionel Ritchie danced on the ceiling. We wore shiny suits with pastel t-shirts, and had bad, bad hairdos.

But enough nostalgia, it was year in 11 physics, and we were studying (or supposed to be) Wave Physics. It was one of the most tedious parts of physics, and there was no way in the world it could possibly hold my attention.

That particular day, we were doing wave propagation. I think. I wasn't paying attention.

The teacher, who had only been at the school for a couple of days, and was covering for a teacher who was on long service leave (so she was stuck with us for the next couple of months regardless), noticed that I wasn't paying attention (I was probably daydreaming and/or trying to look up the girls' skirts) and barked at me:

"Mr CopAFeel, use 'propagate' in a sentence."

Without missing a beat, I looked her in the eye, and said "People used to walk across our garden until we got a proper gate"

The room collapsed into raucous laughter. There was to be no teaching done for the rest of that lesson.



That was the apex of my schooling career.



Click "I like this" if I should stop dwelling on past glories.
(David CopAFeel Used to be The_Elcat - Spouting crap since 1970., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 5:30, Reply)

The biggest pun of all.
A rapper named Big Pun, died of a heart attack in 2000 aged 28, probably because of all the spoonerised foodstuffs he would eat (Pig Buns).

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Pun

Not a nice chap at times though:

daughterofisisspeaks.blogspot.com/2007/12/hip-hop-misogyny-blues.html
( Chum Gnomesky Nom Chompsky, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 4:21, 1 reply)

OK, this is going to hurt. Please brace yourselves.
Sadly, Quasimodo one day died, and so the Bishop of Paris put up an advert for a new bellringer for Notre Dame. Weeks passed with no luck, until one day a man appeared at the door.

"Welcome" said the bishop. "Are you here for the job?"

"Yes" said the bloke "I am the best bellringer north of Lyon."

"Really?"

"Really."

The bishop obviously wanted to see the quality of his work, so with the curate, they all 3 climbed up into Notre Dame's belltower. The man got to work, producing the most sensational campanology ever heard. The bishop and the curate were moved to tears, when suddenly, oh tragedy of tragedies, the biggest bell swung round and smacked him clean in the face, sending him flying off the edge and to his death in the street below.

"My goodness" cried the curate. "Who was that man?"

"I don't know" replied the bishop. "But his face rang a bell."


I'm sorry. I wish that was it, but there's more.


Two weeks later, still no closer to finding a new bell ringer, the bishop was close to giving up when a new man arrived for the job.

"Hello" he said. "I believe you have a position for a bellringer."

"We do my son" replied the bishop. "Sadly our last candidate fell from the roof to his death."

"I know" said the newcomer. "That man was my identical twin. I would like to apply for his job."

So once again, the curate, the bishop and the budding campanologist climbed to the belfry. The bellringer set about his work, letting loose a symphony of peals that may have come from God himself, when all of a sudden, disaster fell! A rope became tangled round the man's legs, and he was tripped and toppled over the edge of the tower to his doom below.

"Oh cruel fate" cried the curate. "And again we did not even know his name."

"I know" replied the bishop sadly. "But he was a dead ringer for his brother."


I'll leave now.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 3:09, Reply)

all of these prove
you can't b3ta good pun!
(spiggytopes, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 3:07, Reply)

Punny, pun, pun, pun.
Q. Whats pink & sits in the garage gathering dust?
A. Madeline MaCanns bike

I see Jade Goody got married recently... I give it a month!

You can lead a woman to water... But you can't make her think!

Statistically, 6 out of 7 Dwarves aren't happy.

Bought my epileptic mate a strobe light for his Birthday... He'll have a fucking fit when he see's it!

Bad Taste all round isn't it? xxx
(Dr Fishfinger Want's to see a fat man give a tit wank, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 2:52, 3 replies)

Oh. God. I could not be more sorry.
A doctor at a busy hospital always used to stop off at the local staff pub on the way back for a beverage, more precisely a hazelnut daiquiri (yes, I know, probably gay).

The landlord would always have the drink ready and waiting for when the doctor walked in. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the landlord was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut syrup. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory syrup instead and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "Are you sure this is a hazelnut daiquiri?"

"No," replied the landlord,








"It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 2:51, Reply)

What do you call two Spanish Firemen?
Jose and Hose B
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 2:47, 1 reply)

Fishy
A fishmonger is arguing and finally reaches the end of his tether and exclaims, "For cods hake, I've haddock-nuff of this, can't we end it now?"
(Blobbo, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 2:43, Reply)