One more old one
A Native American chief was pleased to find out that three of his wives were pregnant and due to give birth about the same time. He consulted the wise man who said that to make his children strong, they should be born on the skins of powerful animals.

When the day came, the ground was prepared. A buffalo skin was laid out for the first wife, and a wolf skin for the second, but his favourite wife was presented with a valuable item all the way from Africa: the complete skin of a hippo.

After the three children, all boys, were born, they were ceremonially weighed, and the favourite wife's child weighed as much as the others put together, proving that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 23:10, 2 replies)

Possibly Bindun.
Two Mexicans are struggling along in the desert, they've been out there for days now and are on their last legs, just dying for water and food.
One of them looks up and sees a tree covered in bacon. "Look Juan, look! Is bacon tree!"
"No, no is just mirage"
"No is bacon tree!" the first cries.
Both with their spirits bolstered start to run towards this bacon tree and are gunned down by machine gun fire.
As they lie dying on the ground Juan turns to the other and says
"Is not bacon tree... is Hambush..."
(Crudler, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 23:08, Reply)

When a prostitute fakes an orgasm
is it just her whore moans talking?
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 23:02, Reply)

Would somebody please wake me up next Thursday?
Thanks!
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 23:01, Reply)

I worked as an architect for a good few years
My particular niche was designing specialist homes for unusual people with special needs.

The best job I ever did was when I was commissioned to design and build a bungalow for a famous midget actor.

I laboured long and hard, and created something truly brilliant.

It was almost perfect, with just one tiny flaw.
( Mockingbird Practitioner of SCIENCE, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 23:01, Reply)

This guy kept trying to drown himself
First he went to Paris and threw himself in the river there. Then he tried the same thing in Egypt.

He was in-Seine, and in de-Nile.

Ba-bum-tish.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 22:59, Reply)

Questions?
After being insipered by Shooting stars:

Who is TVs favourite Doctor.
What is the unit of power.

Me and friends spent far too long coming up with some more:

Which magazine compares prices.
Which doctors use spells in their remedies.
Where is the thin part on clothes.
Why is a river flowing into the Severn estuary.
How is an Indian greeting made.
Can you store food in it.
(badgers,awake!, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 22:59, Reply)

Unbelieveable!
While out on a night out in Doncaster with the boys a good friend assured me that he could do a perfect impression of a former head of MI5.

Of course we disbelieved him but as the beer flowed his assertion became more adamant - Who were we to prove this valiant impressionist wrong? So we agreed, slightly tongue in cheek at first but the beer flowed some more and we started to place a few quid on this chameleonic charade.

Our friend, who now had us rapt with attention now there was a bit of folding riding upon the act said he'd meet us in the centre of town next to the monument of Arthur Scargill in 15 minutes.

For those of you not native to Yorkshire, a large statue resides in Donny town centre of yon Arthur. A plaque proclaims "Arthur Scargill led the National Union of Mineworkers (NUM) from 1981 to 2000. This statue took 1000 Kg of bronze to cast and stands as a testament to his stoic and stalwart leadership".

So, as asked, we met with our chum who was already present with a four pack of premium lager and a grin on his face. As he saw us he sprung into action and with one hand cracked open a can of lager, pouring it all over himself while furiously licking the cast bronze arse of Arthur Scargill! We stood aghast as he repeated this until the beer was gone and not a millimetre of Scargill's bronze arse lay untongued.

"There you go!" proclaimed our man in triumphant tones "Stella Rimmington!".
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 22:54, Reply)

I heard...
...that in life, Jeremy Beadle had quite a massive cock. On the other hand, it was quite small.

Apologies if not even slightly funny.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 22:52, 1 reply)

Alcohol has a funny effect on me...
It doesn't make me be particularly violent, emotional, unbalanced or unhinged, but it does have one noticeable and recurring effect: I seem to lose the ability to recognise people. Or more specifically, I lose the ability to distinguish complete strangers from friends that I have known for years. This interesting anomaly, in varying degrees, has left me in unusual situations, resulting in some of the best nights of my life. It has also, predictably, resulted in varying degrees of physical violence being met out upon my person. And let's face it, that's what you want to hear about.

I'll save the story of the time I had a quick grope with my girlfriend at a party before realising she was watching me from across the room for another time.

However, the "toilet incident" is probably more apt for this QOTW. And you'll probably want to know why a man with piss all over his shoes, and his cock hanging out of his fly, felt it necessary to teach me a lesson which was remembered long after the bruising around my eye had subsided.

I was in a bar with a group of friends all merrily drinking to an advanced state of refreshment. It was getting late in the evening, and so the speed of drinking had reached a frightening pace as last orders loomed.

It was my turn to get the round in, and as I unsteadily lurched towards the bar, I realised that since I was on my feet, I should probably ease the strain on my bladder.

Staggering into the gents, I was confronted with a familiar form with his back to me. Mikey was stood at the urinal, mid-flow, staring intently at the poster in front of him and oblivious to my presence. So I thought I'd have a laugh.

Only, of course, it wasn't Mikey. It was an easy mistake to make. True, Mikey was about 6'4", about 18 stone and wearing a red top. But Mikey was sat back at the table. Mikey was waiting for his drink. And Mikey probably would have taken the events that followed in the good humour that they were intended.

Standing uncomfortably close to a stranger who is unaware of your presence, and bellowing the time-honoured gentleman's lavatory pun (perhaps this is just between me and my friends) of:

"Oh, so this is where all the dicks hang out!"

does not make strangers giggle.

It makes them jump out of their skin to the point of practically cracking their head on the ceiling, piss all over their shoes, and most importantly, it makes them very, very angry.

And then they punch you in the face.


I'd make some sort of length joke, but it just doesn't seem appropriate for this QOTW.
(Sloppy Giuseppe, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 22:50, 2 replies)

Sorry :(
When my hamster died, a friend told me a novel way to honour its memory would be to turn it into jam.
So I followed his instructions and made a pot of jam with the little deceased fellow.
I was intrigued to see what it tasted like so one day spread some of it on a piece of loaf. Not sure what I was expecting, but the stuff was bloody horrible and I chucked the jar out into the back garden. To my surprise when I looked out the next day there was a pile of daffodils growing there. I told my friend who had suggested this what had happened and he replied that this was rather strange as normally you get tulips from hamster jam.
(garrison, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 22:49, Reply)

Two social or ethnic minorities of your choice
are walking down the street. One of them trips and falls heavily. The other asks if he's alright, and he says "I think I've broken something...can you call me an ambulance?"

"Sure", says his friend, "you're an ambulance".
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 22:48, 1 reply)

Has to be said out loud to someone...
Did you hear about the architect who had his house made backwards so he could watch tv?
(beatpig understands subliminalesbianmessagaying., Thu 5 Mar 2009, 22:47, 6 replies)

I expect nails, a cross and a place on Golgotha for this:
A man walks in to a bar .......... "Ouch" he cries!

It was an iron bar.
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 22:38, Reply)

Two fish in a tank
One turns to the other and says "So... how do you drive this thing?"
(Duvet of farts 6 years of lurking and it's not even a record, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 22:36, Reply)

The difference between a pun and an innuendo
There seems to be a lot of confusion between a pun and innuendo. I admit that, for some, it may be a subtle bridge too far but I hope to make the difference clear and bring order to QOTW.

A pun is a form of word play that deliberately exploits ambiguity between similar-sounding words for humorous or rhetorical effect. However, innuendo is an Italian suppository.
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 22:31, 1 reply)

If you're going to the United Arab Emirates...
...don't talk about The Flinstones in Dubai because they don't get the humour.

However the people in Abu Dhabi do.
(kingnutter, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 22:28, 2 replies)

I'm always polite to waiters in Indian Restuarants...
I hate my curries with too much cumin
(kingnutter, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 22:26, Reply)

The Banana Boat Song
Not sure why I always have this tune going through my head every time I'm giving bummilingus.

A rim-a-way, a rim-a-way...
(kingnutter, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 22:22, 1 reply)

Gypsy Kings
I get a sweat-on that coats my pants when I listen to them.

Bum B.O. Layer
(kingnutter, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 22:20, Reply)

My writing`s illegitimate
"you mean illegible don`t you?"
No It`s a bastard to read.

In my rough book when I was 10,that got me sent outside to await the untender mercies of the deputy head.
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 22:15, Reply)

oh dear.
I was a bit proud of myself for this one, though I have no right to be.

We were sitting in my friend's flat roundabout the end of January, just a few days before Obama was sworn in as president. The conversation got around to the fact that Martin Luther King had predicted this kind of acceptance in modern politics leading to the victory of an african american etc etc. all that jazz. My friend Johnny commented that he was almost "the black Nostradamus" to which I instantly thought...

-drum roll-

you mean "Nostra-daaayyuum"


Apologies for slightly racist overtones.
(baldylocks, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 22:07, 2 replies)

Taxi for Wooz....
Horse goes into a bar....

Barman goes..."Why the long face"....



Oh, c'mon people !!!
(Woozles loved your mum in Emmanuelle, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 22:01, 1 reply)

a visual one
On one of these yank originated courses where everyone stands up and says something about themselves to "break the ice" on day 1, the lecturer said "I`m a christian". He was a quite a jolly sort and took the leg pulls.

3 days in and having tied a few on the night before I was getting a redbull and a mars bar in the newsagents as a restorative, and something else caught my eye.
I walked into the lecture room and said "Pete, catch"
"Why have you just thrown me two lion bars.........? Oh I get it, nice one". Everybody laughed.
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 21:58, 1 reply)

Old Advert Pun
--Often used by my family, I wished this pun\joke would die. Now I inflict it here. Hah, karma.--

Once upon a time there was a chef named Chervase, who worked in a restaurant. They mainly served fish, especially squid.

Of all the squids there, one stood out from the rest. He was green, vile and had a hairy lip.

Of course anyone seeing this squid would not want him, and would choose another, more appetizing fish. So, over the years, Chervase grew to like the squid, despite being vile and green and having a hairy lip.

He would come in every morning and feed it and clean out its tank every evening. During the summer, a student was taken on to wash up, and his name was Hans. He was a good worker, and helped Chervase around the kitchen. He also grew to like the squid, and fed it daily when Chervase was too busy. One day a gentleman arrived in, claiming to have tasted every squid known to man. When he saw the vile green hairy-lip squid, he had to have it.

So, Chervase pulled the squid out by the tentacles and threw him up on the chopping block. He grabbed his cleaver and in one movement he raised it up and couldn't kill his old friend, the hairy-lipped, vile green squid. He broke down crying and ordered Hans to kill the squid, but Hans couldn't do it either.

Just goes to show you that ...

Hans who does dishes is as soft as Chervase, with Vile Green Hairy Lip Squid.
(reech, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 21:54, 2 replies)

There's a guy in our local prison's segregation unit
with a toy boat wedged firmly up his rectum.

He's waiting for a ship out.
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 21:49, Reply)

I
fucking hate strawberries
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 21:46, 2 replies)

Keats and Chapman anyone?
I was walking past the allotments the other day - one chap was seiving compost while his wife cut up a mattress and fed it into a brazier. "Ah", says I to meself, "riddling while foam burns."
(dunlintemminck after 40 years it's come to this?, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 21:45, Reply)

Team name for a women's eight in a rowing competition
Multiple Oar-spasms
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 21:41, Reply)

Not my best, but too recent
After a hard day's procrastination, a few mates were going on about the headline from the Daily Mail about a week ago saying that Facebook causes cancer - something that tested limits even for the Daily Mail in terms of credibility.

I wondered aloud how they could test that in research conditions, and came up with the groan-inducing "Maybe they signed up a few lab rats to MiceSpace..."

*waits for the backlash*
(Nykrus, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 21:29, 5 replies)