A True One

I was sitting in a pub in Dublin on a business trip. I was having lunch with my boss a formidable, if slightly dizzy, woman.

On the plane over I had been reading the paper about Wayne Rooney having just been signed by Manchester United for approximately a gazillion pounds.

The conversation went thus:

Boss: You know Wayne Rooney?

Me: Yes?

Boss: Well I know he is a footballer, but is he a singer as well?

Me: Er, what?

Boss: Well the headline on your newspaper was - 'Rooney Signs Record Deal'

Me: Yes he's a talented rapper, actually.
(MrHungry, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 17:21, Reply)

put on your groan face
1: "I bought some Italian white bread today"

2: "Ciabatta?"

1: "No, it was for a fixed price"
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 17:18, 2 replies)

I went for an Indian takeaway last night....

I asked the guy at the counter what he'd recommend, and he suggested Number 42 - a 'chicken tarka'.

Confused, I paused for a moment. "Surely you mean a 'chiken tikka'?"

The Indian gent shrugged, and replied - "Well, it's like a tikka - but a little otter."
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 17:18, 1 reply)

I'm a Klingon using Garnier Nutrisse.


Today is a GOOD day to Dye.
( Larry Death Anger Pain Fear Aggression, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 17:16, 1 reply)

Every year...
...I attend Europe's largest meat-eating festival; the Notting Hill Carnivore.
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 5 Mar 2009, 17:11, Reply)

New Job
I just got a new job at the zoo. It's my responsibility to circumsize the elephants.

The pay is lousy, but the tips are huge!
(pukearrhea, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 17:09, Reply)

I feel I'll said one woman on my uni course
I have some aspirin if you'd like, I helpfully offered.

"errm I don't think that will do any good, I'm a bit constipated" she whispered back

"ah, you should speak to my housemate then"

"is he a medical student?"

"no a mathematician, he can work anything out with a pencil and a bit of paper"

c:\run\getcoat.exe
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 17:08, 2 replies)

A truckload of viagra was held up today at services on the M25
Police are searching for a gang of hardened criminals.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 17:05, Reply)

I entered a pun competiton in the local paper..
...and entered 10 puns in total, hoping that I'd win.

But no pun in ten did.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 17:03, 4 replies)

An old one from a seaside town...
This is one my dad used to tell, so the truth content is probably nil.

A seaside town that seriously relied upon the tourist trade was also home to an asylum. One night an inmate escaped and sought refuge in the town's laundry. Disturbing two employees who were working overnight, he overpowered them, raped them then made good his escape.

A national newspaper got wind of this and reporters came to get the scoop. The town mare (Edit: Mayor *blush*) begged them to gloss over it and make light of it, worried that an escaped insane convict would ruin the up'n coming tourist season.

Headline...

"Nut Screws washers and bolts"
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 5 Mar 2009, 17:02, 3 replies)

Walking through the park
With Ms Hanky and her parents.

Nice posh Victorian park in Penarth.

We come across the birdcages they have there.

"Oh, look at the birds!" Says Ms Hanky.

I look. Woo. Some birds...

Ms Hanky's elderly mother suddenly perks up:

"Oh!" She proclaims. "Do you remember when I used to have a cock-or-two???"

I nearly snorted ice cream out my nose.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 17:01, 1 reply)

Its not easy starting a new job
I was friendless at that place until I met Nathan.

I would drive in everyday and see Nathans bike outside the office every morning. I though nothing of it until I noticed the same bike just around the corner from my house.

By complete coincidence Nathan lived near by but always managed to cycle to work in less time than it took me to drive.

Finally an excuse to strike up a conversation, I got chatting to Nathan and casually asked "how can you cycle so fast?"

Nathan winked at me and the pulled out a giant tub of grease from his desk draw. "I soak my bike chain in this stuff every other day, it makes the thing go like shit off a shovel".

Life became more bearable at work from that point on thanks to my discovery of the secret of pro-castrol Nate.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:55, Reply)

Kids With Puns
I was trying to explain to my neices (8 and 5) how jokes work (because "why did the teapot need a wee... because it had tea in it!" isn't funny).

So I explained about puns and punchlines and illustrated my explanation with the pun based classic:

Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he kneaded a poo!

Needless to say they found it funny (might have been solely because of the word poo being used). And all was good...

...until the last comic releif.

The kids had a school assembly and each child (in front of teachers, classmates and parents) has to get up and tell a joke. So one of my neices gets up and tells the baker/poo joke.

Apparently it's not acceptable for 8 year olds to use the word poo in a school assembly.

I'm not allowed to tell my neices jokes any more, even though it could have been so much worse...

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
(ralphseviltwin, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:54, 2 replies)

My best ever pun (still not very good)
Back in my days as a teacher - old headmaster retires and we get a new headmistress. Within a few weeks of her regime she had introduced loads of daft, unworkable ideas in the name of "progressive" education. Needless to say the school plummeted from being a decent comprehensive into a war zone in the space of a year, after which she was taken off to the funny farm.

Anyway, one of her ideas was to abolish school bells. Senior respected teachers pointed out that this gave the kids (and some of the staff) carte blanche to turn up to class whenever they liked, if at all. Her response was that the lack of bells would establish an atmosphere of peace and calm in the school. After much discussion, I made my contribution:

"Does that mean we'll get a No-bell Peace Prize then?"

Well, it seemed funny at the time. I left the school soon after.
(eesnahk, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:50, 1 reply)

Paddington and Winnie the Pooh ...
... are helping the seven dwarves out in their mine.

One morning, they go down to the tool shed and all their tools are missing.

WTF? Says Winnie. I'm sure we left them here last night.

OMG! replies Paddington. I forgot to tell you......

..... today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked.

I'll get my coat.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:50, Reply)

KY Jelly (from my boss)
Did you hear that KY Jelly were planning to release a special product for the new millennium called KYY2K? It allowed you to insert four digits into your date where previously you could only insert two.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:47, 1 reply)

I've just got down to the last of my doobage stash
I'm reduced to scraping off the outsides of the woody bits and smoking them, which frankly is taking the pith.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:45, Reply)

Can't resist
I went to my tailor today.

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."



Note: stolen from Tim Vine not Tommy Cooper.
(Bo Nidle Coming back in from the cold., Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:45, Reply)

My mum is a legend
My dad had some Aigle (makers of posh outdoor wear, pronounced 'ay-gla') boots, which were wearing out. He asked my mum to take them to the cobbler to see whether they were worth mending. Her response? [sung to the tune of Edelweiss] "You need some Aigle adviiiice... Aigle adviiice".

I thought it was funny anyway...
(woohoo, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:39, Reply)

A japanese man
is playing golf in Edinburgh and on the 18th hole meets another japanese golfer. They introduce themselves and start talking.

"Where abouts are you from?" asks the first man.

"Tokyo" replies the other

"Really? Me too. Which district?"

"Shinjuku distict" replies the other man

"Amazing, that's where I'm from. Where do you work?" asks the first man.

"I work for the Tokyo Sewage and Sanitation Service" says the second man.

"I don't believe it" says the first man "I've worked for Tokyo Sewage and Sanitation for twenty years, how is it that we never met?"

"I guess we're just a couple of nips that passed in the shite"

/coat
(Bo Nidle Coming back in from the cold., Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:37, 7 replies)

News...
A fun Swedish newspaper run by ex-pats constantly picks up on fun news stories and gets pun-happy with them. Here's one such example..

Wavy lines.....

Going-away presents hand-carved by an inmate upon his release did not go over well with the female prison employees who received them.

Now the 58-year-old former prisoner has been fined for sexual molestation after sending wooden penises to several women working at the Smälteryd correctional facility outside of Borås in central Sweden

The headline?

"Ex-con’s sex toys rub prison staff the wrong way"

As Powevator points out in a reply (see below).. The same newspaper also came up with a great headline after a beaver felled a tree onto powerlines...


"Munching Swedish beaver causes blackout"

Stunning.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:33, 3 replies)

My dad tortured us with this, my turn now
Erik the Viking was ruthless, brave and above all extremely rich. A long career of pillage and plunder had engorged his coffers to the point where he felt able to retire and enjoy his loot. He had more than his wife, Erika, could concievably spend and as all men know that is the very definition of success. He was happy.

He'd accumulated a few decent scars along the way but by far his worst injuries were his two sightless eyes, courtesy of a particularly brave fishwife whom he'd taken a shine to on a raiding trip in Grimsby.

After hanging up his raiding axe and returning his open-crotched raping pants to their shelf for the last time he decided he needed a project. So, beginning a long tradition of rich bastards with time on their hands (and providing the foundation of Kevin McCloud's TV career) he commissioned a mighty house.

Bricklayers, architects, stonemasons and carpenters toiled for years under his refreshingly decisive project management. Aesthetic aspects were left to Erika; shouting and punishment beatings were his department.

Then, after ten years (and more than a few avoidable accidents) the house was completed. Truly this was a building that both challenged, and sat in absolute harmony with, its environment.

Erika toured the building with the lead contractors to make sure all was well before allowing her hot-tempered husband in. Stepping over tools, buckets, pallets of bricks and other construction detritus the team made their way through the house. Upon coming to the kitchen Erika immediately noticed some work unfinished!

"You bloody oik, you've left the sink out!"

"Ah, sorry miss E, but you wanted this fancy Poggenpohl jobby and it's not like Germany's next door you know. Will be here in a few weeks. I'm sure you can manage."

"No I can't sodding well manage. Think of something quick, he'll be round soon and although the bastard's got no eyes he'll notice soon enough if he turns the tap on and his feet get wet!"

The contractor, thinking quickly to avoid an axeing, grabbed a brickie's hod propped up against the wall and, sure enough, it fitted the gap perfectly. He got out a hand drill and cut a drainage hole. A bit of silicone sealant and a lick of varnish later and the job was done.

"How about that then miss E? That do you? I mean, everyone knows that a hod's as good as a sink to a blind Norse."
( Scrumper, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:31, Reply)

The Beach Boys walk into a bar
"Round?"
"Round?"
"Get a round"
"I get a round?"
"Get a round."

etc.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:30, 4 replies)

Bugger
I will start by apologising for the lack of funny from the post

I was hoping that this week’s QOTW would cheer me up as I’ve been in a bit of a fracas the early hours of this morning. Turns out that one of the local scumbags had decided to break into casa Bison and nick anything of value to fuel his smack habit. The problem was our would be thief friend had all the stealth of a three legged hippo with chronic flatulence so I was woken up mid burglary attempt.

Being a rather stupid individual who thinks that the British Justice system would do sod all to this guy I decided to tackle the smack head face on myself and ventured downstairs with my kids plastic ninja turtles sword (yes the cartoon is still about nowadays).- In retrospect that is a pretty stupid idea.

I saw the outline of the bloke hovering over the TV, pulling out the cables for the PS3 and Wii before turning round to face me. Now put yourself in the eyes of the burglar he has just turned round to see the house owner coming towards him with a big sword (As I mentioned earlier it was still dark and my hand covered the part of the handle that says TNMT).

He dropped the TV, grabbed the Stanley knife he had in his back pocket and swung it in my direction and made a bolt for freedom. I would like to say that I twatted the bugger and stopped his escape but I was more concerned about the fact that my arm was cut in the fracas.

So now I’m sat here on my laptop at home with a small gouge in my arm while the police hang around, drink cups of tea and lecture me about trying to be Leonardo (the Turtle not Da Vinci). Turns out the burglar was pretty well known by the fuzz so hopefully something will come of this as he uses the same method of entry to each place he robs……….Intruder window.

Sorry about this I thought I should at least put a bit of effort into it this week. I did give you a warning that it wouldn’t be funny.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:30, 7 replies)

A touching tale
It was round midnight, the music was blaring, the rave was in full swing.

We'd sent a mate out on a scouting mission and he came back with a small bag full of pills. Oddly, they were bright fucking red, someone must've added some dye to the manufacturing process.

"The fella that sold um to me said they're the strongest on the face of the fucking planet!" My mate beamed. "Though they do have one slight drawback. Don't even think about pulling tonight. After you've had some of these you'll be as impotent as an octogenarian on bromide."

"That's ok, mate," I replied, necking a handful of the red pills. "I'm just here to dance and act like a twat."

Roll onto three am, the music's still pounding, I'm having a whale of a time.

Then I realise a lovely young lady is dancing close to me. Really close. We spend the next half hour throwing some shapes and staring into each others eyes. Then she takes my hand and leads me away from the noise.

This was way back in the early ninetees when raves used to take place in fields. Quite convenient, really. Within minutes the pounding beat is far behind us. The warm summer breeze kisses my skin. This girl and I walk, hand in hand, not saying a word. She leads me to a spinny. We lay down on the soft, cool grass and kiss passionately.

I go to speak but she puts a finger to my lips and shakes her head 'no'. Then she reaches up behind her and unfastens her halterneck top. Soundlessly, the flimsy fabric, damp with her sweat falls away to reveal her perfect shapely torso. Her pert breasts point upwards, her nipples large and hard.

Unfortunately I had no hardness in return...

Shit! The fucking red pills! I was softer than Mr Softy at a pillow convention in Softsville.

She straddles me and we kiss again. She was all over me, she ripped open my shirt and started fumbling for my fly. Within moments my jeans were off. She worked on my flacid package with her mouth, running her lips over the fabric of my boxers. Then, without a word, she pulled them down and tossed them into the bushes.

She took me into her mouth and sucked hard. Running her tounge over my cock with steady urgency. While she did this she removed her thong and straddled me. I could feel the heat and wet warmth between her thighs.

Then, slowly at first, my wee chap started to harden. It was an almost relegious moment. I'm sure the angels looking down at us were really fucking chuffed. Either that or taking photos.

Yes! All systems go! We have an ERECTION, repeat, we have an ERECTION!!!

Then she was riding me, hard. Pushing her pelvis onto me. God, she was so tight and wet. She slid up and down my cock like a fucking meat trombone. Her breasts were in my face, her long flaxen hair flicking at me. She purred and breathed shallow, urgent breaths. Grinding onto me, pushing me into her to the hilt.

After several minutes of thrusting I could feel my orgasm build. I could feel my cock twitch and I grasped at her perfect shoulders and bellowed:

"Red E or not, here I cum!"
( SpankyHanky, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:19, 6 replies)

In the jungle
There were two tribes, constantly at war. They would battle each and every day, and when a battle was won, the fighting men would return home to see their king sitting on his throne, and he would bless their victory and a great feast would be had, and then the men would retire to their grass huts to pleasure their wives and sleep, ready for the next fighting day. One day, one of the tribes raided the other tribe's village, and stole the throne! But in the raid, the king's son and heir was killed.

The fighting men brought the throne back to their village along with the sad news. And although the king was pleased that they had captured the sacred throne, he could not overcome his sadness and anger at the thoughts of his son dying at the hands of his enemies. So he decreed that the throne be placed in a special building, to be built that very day. And it would remain there until the entire enemy tribe was wiped out, to avenge his son's death, and only then would he sit on the enemy's throne and be declared King of the Jungle.

So the building was built, of mud and grass, and the throne was placed inside, and the building sealed. A bloody war ensued. Battle after battle took place, and gradually the village ground down their enemies. Many lives were lost on both sides, but after a year, the village had managed to wipe out the other tribe, and the fighting men returned home covered in glory. The king was happy that his son's death had been avenged, and he declared that there would be a huge ceremony to celebrate his crowning as King Of The Jungle.

So a feast was prepared, and the whole village came together to eat and drink and to dance. And at the end of the feast, the king was carried to the building that contained the other tribe's throne, to take his title. The building was unsealed, and as the tribal shamans opened the door, the whole village flooded inside to see their king crowned.

But as they did so, whispers started to go round the crowd, and they developed into a huge uproar! The king shouted for silence, and there was silence. His bearers carried him into the building, and there was the throne, rotten and decaying! Covered in maggots, creepers and mould, the smell was horrible.

The king stared at the throne for a long time. And his wife, beside him, did so too. Eventually, she turned to him and she said...

"Well, you know, this just goes to show. People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones."
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:17, 1 reply)

just totally
punbelievable.
(Dizzy Steinway, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:14, Reply)

Oldie:
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
"Damn!" says one. "I've lost my electron."
"Are you sure?" asks the other one.

"Yes, I'm positive."
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:13, 2 replies)

Whilst watching a cooking programme...
Jamie Oliver (or some other twat):
"And now to stuff the chicken..."

Me: "That looks foul."


Aye thank you.
(The-Banana, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:13, Reply)

A man starts a job at a zoo
A bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish tank.

So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank.

Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats to the top. "Sh*t!" thinks our man, first day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits, what am I going to do? He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they will eat anything.

Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions enclosure and while no one is looking he lobs it over the fence where it is devoured by the lions.

He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next. The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So he is merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat! a lump of turd hits him on the back of the head. He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering with delight at their new game.

Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries to carry on cleaning the cage - splat! goes another turd, and splat! another makes a direct hit. For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the 2 monkeys, killing them stone dead.

"Sh*t and double sh*t!" thinks our man, look what I've done now, what am I going to do? So he thinks to himself, the lions worked last time maybe I'll try it again, they eat anything don't they? He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs then over the fence where they are promptly devoured by the lions.

Again our hapless worker goes to the zoo keeper and asks what wants doing next. Where he is told to collect the honey from the Amazonian killer bees. He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive when a bee stings him, then another and another until the whole swarm of bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic he lashes out with the honey soaked board and batters every last bee into a pulp. "Sh*t, Not Again!!!" he thinks and as you might have guessed the lions eat anything, so again he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and throws it in, where they are devoured by the lions.

The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the lions.

"Hello" he says.

"Alright" say the other lions

"What's it like here then?" asks the new lion

"Not bad" say the other lions

"Food ok?" enquires the new lion

"Yeah, brilliant, yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees!"
(ivebeenhigh i've climbed so high, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 16:13, Reply)